I can't believe how hard having a family is

[fulloftruth]

Its 5 am. I’ve been up for 45 mnutes.Fell asleep @ 12:30. I can’t seem to get handle on all that I need to do for my family. We have 5 kids. 15mo,6,7,8,14. 4 boys 1 girl(6). Shes my step daughter. 7-14 are mine from previous, and we have 15 mo between us. 14 is starting high school. Going to Cath school. very expensive. other 3 also. very expensive. 23k between em. Medical bills out the wazu. Health ins. is 1200/mo.

I was reading another post on how their 12 yr old son has issues with the truth or reality. tells back what happened thru his own lense. My 14 year old does the exact same thing. kinda glad to hear its not just us. My poor wife went from 1 kid and working all day to 5 kids and staying home. Very tough to deal with. I went from being a single dad with 3 boys to having to run evrything by someone else who is nothing like me. I’m religious(although you would not know it based on how we got into this situation) shes not. Kids are losing faith, she only knows how to deal with things physically and she is trying hard to get it, but seems unwilling to take the leap of faith into actually believing in something outside of herself. lots of therapy and medication, but an agreement that these kids however difficult at times have absolutely no need for medication and never will, unless we screw them up. They are perfectly sound never in trouble in school good students who just fight with eachother. Not a reason for ritalin or zoloft.

Step daughter lived with mom, and grand mom, dad is a deadbeat who has decided to show up in some angry form since I showed up and is terribly abusive verbally and it has taken major battles to get my wife to hold him to a standard of behavior that is appropriate for a seperated father(never married) Was very strange, me having to fight to get her to not let him abuse her and child mentally and verbally. U would have thought she still had feelings for him, n i know what ur thinking i thought it too, but I have realized now that she has done some major work on it and has gone to court and stood her ground that she was just scared. Scared that if her and I dont work out, will Alyssa have no one. She now realizes that that would be better thanwhat she has with him.

Its sad to have to think “if we dont work out.” Its no way to be in a marriage. Ive always known that you have to go in “no matter what this is it.” My first “marriage” (which Ive applied for annulment of, and was told by advocate that I should get) ended with her leaving and never coming back. We both had issues with chemical dependancy, its how we met and both got clean together. I was going to daily adoration praying rosary all the time went back to night school, we had one kid, then she was pregnant again and had a still born. She later told me that the nght before he died she took 4 percocet.It was tragic. for once she was clean and gaining weight and had done the right thing for nine months, and in one fell swoop destroyed all of it.

Before it happend for about 6 weeks prior,I had found a spiritual peace that I had never known. Like I was being prepared. I remember asking her if she had done anything and the look on her dface, even though her quick negative response, told it all. But I just didnt know.

Our first was born out of wedloc. We had actually abstained from relations for 4 mo while living togethr, to get married in the church. Our priest, who was the catylist, was made bishop about 2 years after we were married. We flew to St augustine florida to attend the ceremony. Was breathtaking. Our oldest was 5 when the baby died. I didnt know about the pills till after we were seperated. We then had another child, healthy. but then the wheels fell off.

She started using agian, and I followed soon after, totally depressed about her and I had hurt my back and was given pain meds. That was all I needed. During our 4th pregnancy, we both used drugs the whole time and lost almost everthing. After the child was born positive for drugs, they took our other children from us and placed them with my family. It was a disaster. I went ot treatment and got clean again. She went to a different treatment center about one week before I got out. Hers was coed.

When I got out Imoved into my parents home with my boys and worked on getting my kids back jumping through all the hoops and in a few moths they were mine again. My wife howver decided to stay in treatment for 6 months. We visited every weekend or every other, I cant remember. She started to not call and she got a job about 45 minuted from our home, a requirement for treatment, which seemed very strange for a stay at home mom.

On the day she was to come home, she called and said she wasn’t coming home, and never did. A few nights later, I knew she was staying in our home while she got her things together. I woke up at 130am and went over to talk to her. She was in our bed with another man. Something I never expected, totally oblivious to the evidence. I needed to see it so I didnt try to chase her for months and years to make something work that she had given up on or was nver interested in.

Thinking back, I made her go to mass and pray rosaries and told her if she wanted to get better she needed to do those things so we could be on the same page. It was working for me, so why wouldnt she do it. I was mean about it. Yelling at her and my 4-5 yr old to pray the rosary every night. That Damn Free will. Its a terrible thing when your trying to make a family. Thats why its so important not to enter into relationships with people who are opposed diametrically to all that you believe.

 

[fulloftruth]

Themost important decision you will make will be which kind of girl or guy you will cultivate a relationship. Thats why our chuches beautiful moral laws must be followed to a T, if you gonna have a shot at a manageable life, and even then there is no guarantee. That Damn free will.

So where was I, Oh yeah. So here I was a sigle dad with 3 boys living with his parents yet still owns a home with 170k in equity. Refinanced paid off all debt, and walked with a 100k. Wife signed off for 5k. Withing 3 years from our seperation and divorce, she had had 3 more kids. Tragic. So there was no going back just forwrd. I had blown up to 300lbs. Became president of the pool we swam at which was in financial ruin. Thank God I have always been really good at what I do. Remodeling contractor. Had to fight to fix it up, and got a cell tower comapny to come put up a tower. Now the pool has a ton of positive cash flow, and yet I have never been mention on one newsletter. Doesnt matter.Pool will be around for years.

Kids have abandonment issues, people at old school were mean to them because of what I and therr mother had done. I moved them to a better school when I was getting “married”again(courthouse, she was with child.)

Life is a tough nut to crack. I just hope I can help my kids stay away from the mistakes I made. But I am there worst enemy. Even when I have tried to be the best Catholic I can be, life has bulldozed me. So when you try to get close to the Lord, the devil will come after you, and he with our help destroyed our lives and I have been trying toput it back together and doing a ****** job of it…

I am really tired and will finish some thoughts later

 

[apricot_yogurt]

Dear fulloftruth. I can relate to much of what you are saying. It is tough raising a family. Tough.
What helps me is I go to confession pretty much every week, just while I am in this dark place. It helps to get some perspective on things, by talking to the priest, and the Grace of God keeps me going just that bit longer.
Try to pray just one Hail Mary really well, if the rosary seems difficult.
Hang in there, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and persevere.God Bless you. It is so hard sometimes.

 

[St_Francis]

The best thing you can do for your children is to talk to them a lot, not necessarily about your mistakes if you don’t feel comfortable with that, but in general, about how people make mistakes and how to avoid them.

And you and your wife maintain a good relationship with them–this seems to the The Number One essential for children. Don’t apologize over and over, because they also have to take responsibility for how they turn out, but do let them know that you believe that some of the decisions you made were the wrong decisions, and if you feel free to talk with them about the specifics, do so, so as to help them avoid those decisions, and also to impart alternative ways of dealing with things. Talk as well as set a good example, and when you deviate from what you think is ideal, let them know that (when they are aware of the situation, like if you are teaching them not to yell at people and you yell at them or at someone when they are there, but not needed if you yell at someone else when they are not around.)

I say the above because I had sort of a low natural social skill level and was constantly bemused by what was going on around me. I do think that if people (parents, counselors) had made it very clear that X and Y were *wrong, *then that would have helped me, because instead I was just very confused morally growing up in the heyday of non-judgementalism. I try to be very clear about judging *actions *rather than people, saying stuff like, too bad about Ms A, she got so involved with Mr B that she forgot herself and committed a mortal sin. At least she didn’t compound it by having an abortion.

And we went through the Baltimore Catechism and that helped a lot, a very structured way to start discussions about many topics.

If they are squabbling, find an easy punishment to impose: people have suggested everything from sending them outside to deal with it to my suggestion of having a small punishment that I can impose early on and consistently (I have used fines but now they lose computer time). (Having a big punishment did not work for me because I was reluctant to impose it until things got more out of control…). Talking with them and telling them how to deal with things did *not *work for me, but may work for others. talking with them generically about how to handle situations at a time when they have not just finisshed fighting has helped some, but their growing up has helped the most.

OK, I’m sorry I wrote such a long post! I am soooo not perfect about following my own advice, but I try, and I really think it has helped me, and I hope it helps you.

And I’ll pray for y’all too.