I can't bring myself to take Communion

  • Thread starter Thread starter stownsin
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

stownsin

Guest
Hello All,

My name is Sean and I have fallen very, very far from the faith. I have just recently started attending mass regularly after approximately 10 years of absence. Actually, it is quite embarrassing: I fumble through the Nicene Creed; I have forgotten most of the songs; and I get confused on a bunch of other rituals.

Anyway, I just went to Confession this past Saturday. It was my first time at Confession. I brought a list of my sins from the past couple weeks. I felt like an idiot though, as the priest had to guide me and I sorta stepped outside the ritual when I started sobbing about all the things I had lost this past year. I mentioned how I had done terrible things to drive the love of my life of 13 years away and how a once brightly lit future was now gone from me. I had made so many terrible choices.

My penance was this: he simply wanted me to rededicate myself to God through prayer. I thought there was going to be something more ‘appropriate’ and punitive. I don’t know. And he also wanted me to take communion. However, on the following day, I just could not bring myself to walk up and partake. I just feel so unworthy of that gift and everything it represents. It as if my feet are encased in concrete when it is my time to go. I just cannot bring myself to do it and it is tearing me apart.

Additionally, I don’t even know if I belong in the Church and God probably doesn’t want me there anyway. I look at so many women in lust, and I have found that I need to sit in the front, so as to not have myself in “occasion to sin”. I try to keep my head down when women are approaching the altar for the Eucharist, but sometimes I can’t help to look. That really tears me up, as well. I feel so much guilt being there. I feel like I am contaminating everything around me. What should I do?

Thank You
 
Sean,

I was in your position six years ago after a long absence from the Church. I too, had a long list of sins (and tears for those sins).

My penance - one Our Father. I was so confused over that that I had to ask if I was going to be allowed to receive the Eucharist. My priest said, “Yes, of course - your sins have been forgiven.”

Additionally, my confessor told me, that it was a sin against Jesus’ mercy and a sin against the virtue of hope to deny Jesus His forgiveness of my sins.

Please remember that - you must allow yourself to feel forgiven - those sins are behind you now.

Move on, pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences of those past actions.

You’re no longer that old person, you are an adopted son of God, a brother and friend to Jesus! Mary is your spiritual mother and the Holy Spirit is within you to keep you connected to the Trinity.

Accept Jesus’ forgiveness so that you can receive Him into your body.

Congratulations on your return to the Eucharist and to His Church. You are very brave. :clapping:
 
Hello

Sorry for your loss and the struggles…

God can help you through all this…he loves you…

A couple of things though …you mentioned it was your first confession and that you confessed the sins from the past two weeks…

Since you were away for so many years…you would actually need to make a good examination of conscience and confess all your mortal sins in number and kind (murder 3x, adultery 2x etc) and if there was a circumstance that changed the sin…like the person you killed was your brother…

You would need to confess all the mortal sins…(since baptism if you have never been to confession…)…not just recent sins…

Do not stress about this…get a good examination of conscience and make an appointment with the Priest…he can help you …tell him you have been away for x number of years etc…(and if you were not confirmed…you should seek this too in time)…

Again do not stress too much…one does what one can to remember etc…Ask the Priest to help…

As for lust…talk with him about this difficulty…you may be having scruples here and confusing attraction with lust…of course we want to avoid actual lust (such is grave…)…and have a reasonable custody of the eyes…but not scruple and stress!

Know that Jesus loves you and he really is our* true life*
 
stownsin said:
Hello All,

My name is Sean and I have fallen very, very far from the faith. I have just recently started attending mass regularly after approximately 10 years of absence. Actually, it is quite embarrassing: I fumble through the Nicene Creed; I have forgotten most of the songs; and I get confused on a bunch of other rituals.

Anyway, I just went to Confession this past Saturday. It was my first time at Confession. I brought a list of my sins from the past couple weeks. I felt like an idiot though, as the priest had to guide me and I sorta stepped outside the ritual when I started sobbing about all the things I had lost this past year. I mentioned how I had done terrible things to drive the love of my life of 13 years away and how a once brightly lit future was now gone from me. I had made so many terrible choices.

My penance was this: he simply wanted me to rededicate myself to God through prayer. I thought there was going to be something more ‘appropriate’ and punitive. I don’t know. And he also wanted me to take communion. However, on the following day, I just could not bring myself to walk up and partake. I just feel so unworthy of that gift and everything it represents. It as if my feet are encased in concrete when it is my time to go. I just cannot bring myself to do it and it is tearing me apart.

Additionally, I don’t even know if I belong in the Church and God probably doesn’t want me there anyway. I look at so many women in lust, and I have found that I need to sit in the front, so as to not have myself in “occasion to sin”. I try to keep my head down when women are approaching the altar for the Eucharist, but sometimes I can’t help to look. That really tears me up, as well. I feel so much guilt being there. I feel like I am contaminating everything around me. What should I do?

Thank You
Click to expand...
You should go to communion as soon as you can. Trust in God’s mercy, acting through your priest, that your sins have been forgivne. Usually, your parish would have an early daily morning mass…make the effort to attend this mass and receive communion, as an outward/inward sign of your effort to renew your life.

May I suggest that you pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy to help you.

Here is a link:

praydivinemercy.com/

Home / What is Divine Mercy? / Forms of Devotion / The Chaplet of The Divine Mercy / How to Recite the Chaplet

The Chaplet of The Divine Mercy
How to Recite the Chaplet

The Chaplet of Mercy is recited using ordinary rosary beads of five decades. The Chaplet is preceded by two opening prayers from the Diary of Saint Faustina and followed by a closing prayer.
  1. Make the Sign of the Cross
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
2. Optional Opening Prayers

You expired, Jesus, but the source of life gushed forth for souls, and the ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world. O Fount of Life, unfathomable Divine Mercy, envelop the whole world and empty Yourself out upon us.

O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in You!
3. Our Father

Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, Amen.
4. Hail Mary

Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen.
5. The Apostle’s Creed

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, Our Lord, Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified; died, and was buried. He descended into Hell; the third day He arose again from the dead; He ascended into Heaven, sitteth at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen.
6. The Eternal Father

Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.
7. On the Ten Small Beads of Each Decade

For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
8. Repeat for the remaining decades

Saying the “Eternal Father” (6) on the “Our Father” bead and then 10 “For the sake of His sorrowful Passion” (7) on the following “Hail Mary” beads.
9. Conclude with Holy God (Repeat three times)

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
10. Optional Closing Prayer

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion — inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.
 
Barb,

Thank you for the reply. I am planning on making an appointment with the priest to whom I confessed. I think maybe I need some counseling with the guilt I am experiencing. I feel that I have been given a very heavy cross. I feel utterly crushed by my sins. I have some very addictive tendencies, so even though I hate my sins with all my heart, I have a hard time ceasing certain behaviors. This makes me feel like I cannot have perfect contrition. I fully acknowledge the authority of the Church in my life. I just am having a very hard time getting past what I have said and done to God and his law.

I remember when I was a kid, there was this painting in my grandpa’s house. It always had a profound effect on me: it was an image of a young man (perhaps teenager) being held up by Christ. The young man was in the foreground and Christ was holding what appeared to be the young man’s ravaged and unconscious body. In the hands of the young man were the hammer and nails used to crucify Jesus. I cry whenever I think of it. I just feel like I hit a wall in my heart when I consider on Jesus’ mercy. I can’t understand why he would want people like me in his Church when I question the existence of God at times and habitually have impure thoughts. I feel like my addictions to flesh and pleasure are preventing me from achieving perfect contrition.

And if that isn’t enough, I feel guilty about feeling guilty. I now feel awful about not accepting forgiveness.
 
Lk 15:1-32 or 15:1-10

Jesus said…

"What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he does find it, he sets it on his shoulders with great joy and, upon his arrival home, he calls together his friends and neighbors and says to them,

‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’

I tell you, in just the same way there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need of repentance.

"Or what woman having ten coins and losing one would not light a lamp and sweep the house, searching carefully until she finds it?

And when she does find it, she calls together her friends and neighbors and says to them,
‘Rejoice with me because I have found the coin that I lost.’

In just the same way, I tell you, there will be rejoicing among the angels of God
over one sinner who repents."

‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’
 
Hello Sean,

You will probably get an answer from someone much more qualified to answer this question for you, but I have personal experience in this area and I feel a calling to answer as well.

My first suggestion would be to make an appointment with your priest and talk to him about how you feel. Re-learning the mass will come in time, don’t be ashamed to pick up a missal and follow along. BTW, the mass is going to start changing a little here and there. I forget why, but they are going to implement it slowly. Maybe someone here can post why.

Also, if you are confused, ask your priest, he is the best one to explain things to you. Start going to any classes that your church or other local Catholic churches are holding. Keep going to confession as you remember sins, take the time to look up a good Examination of Conscience and pray to make a good confession. Your church may have one by the confessional. Remember God knew you before you were born, he knows what you have done in your life and he knows how your life will end. All you need to do is follow his commandments and trust in Him. Pray and admit to Him that you cannot fix your life by yourself and surrender to Him. If He can bring back the dead, He can fix your marriage, He can fix anything! But you have to let Him drive. He has to fix you first which is what he did with St. Monica, they say she prayed for her son Augustine for years, decades even. But my priest told me that God wasn’t making her wait that long just for Augustine, he had to fix her life first.

It doesn’t matter how many sins that you have committed, God always forgives! Think of yourself as the prodigal son! There is celebrating in Heaven because you have returned and if your priest wants you to take Holy Communion, you should because the power of God inside your body will help you resist temptation and it forgives venial sin. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t confess those sins, the more you go to confession, the more you will be purified of all your sins. Also look up Divine Mercy Sunday it is like another baptism!! , read books about the lives of the Saints. An awesome one to start out with would be The Diary of St. Faustina. Model your life after the Saints. Lastly, instead of watching what people are doing around you, receiving communion etc. close your eyes and pray that God give you the strength to resist temptation. It might even help to keep a count how many times you do this and try to reduce that number each day. And when you catch yourself Pray immediately to banish the thought. There is a protestant book that teaches you to put up “Hedges”, that is the title. I have a copy that I wish I could lend to you.

I’ll pray for you, feel free to message me If you’d like to talk further.
 
stownsin said:
I am planning on making an appointment with the priest to whom I confessed. I think maybe I need some counseling with the guilt I am experiencing. I feel that I have been given a very heavy cross. I feel utterly crushed by my sins. I have some very addictive tendencies, so even though I hate my sins with all my heart, I have a hard time ceasing certain behaviors. This makes me feel like I cannot have perfect contrition. I fully acknowledge the authority of the Church in my life. I just am having a very hard time getting past what I have said and done to God and his law…
Click to expand...
That’s a very good idea Sean, you need to be able to rejoice with Jesus and His angels. They’re trying to throw you a party in celebration of your most present victories. 🙂
 
A few additional pointers - pick any that sound like they’d apply, I don’t know your entire situation.
  • If you did need to confess for a larger timeframe, then just go back to the priest and explain that. And hey, most confessionals I’ve been in have a box of tissues for a reason, and I’ve made use of them plenty of times myself! :bighanky: Priests understand this!
I know, it’s hard for guys to cry in front of someone. But we gals too are sometimes embarrassed lest the priest think “Oh, another hysterical woman!” :o

If you need some pointers on the forgotten prayers, pick up a book like Catholicism for Dummies or a basic adult catechism book. Or even ask if you can sit in on the RCIA classes for awhile. You’ll have the prayers come back to you fairly quickly, and can learn the doctrine as you go. 👍

The Devil hates to see a soul return to Christ. :mad: And he knows that one good chance to reclaim that soul is right after the conversion, when the soul hasn’t had time to solidify the newfound faith. So he will employ one of his favorite weapons, despair. This is pretty routine stuff. When he tries that on you, just laugh at him and say," Yeah, yeah. It ain’t gonna work. So get lost." :knight1:

Then he might try the tactics of temptation, and scrupulosity is also a classic attack. If Satan can get you all anxious he will weaken you. St. Francis de Sales advises just running back to Christ, like a kid that’s gotten lost or frightened runs back to the parent where he knows he’ll be safe. Think of Peter, walking on the water - he only sank when he took his eyes off Our Lord - and even then, Our Lord saved him! 🙂

And go slowly, and develop absolute trust in the Mercy of God - the Divine Mercy Chaplet already mentioned is wonderful for that.

Remember, it’s not how many times we fall, but whether we get up again and renew our commitment to Christ and keep returning to the path of righteousness. With His grace, you can do it! :extrahappy:
 
Dear brother, welcome home!
Please have faith that God has truly forgiven your sins, and He wants you in the Church.
The small penance might seem odd, but I have heard that many holy priests give small penances because they do most of the penance for us.

The problem of lust is a tough one to break. It will be difficult, but you can break it! I have been helped by saying a Hail Mary whenever I fell into that sin.
 
“God probably doesn’t want me there anyway.”

It gives God JOY to see you there. 😃
Think of it as a hospital for sinners and Christ is the divine Physician.

There are many people who pray and hope for years to see a loved one take a step into the church. I am glad to know you’ve had a change of direction and are moving toward God.

No one can become a saint in a day, it takes a lifetime.

Welcome home.
 
You already have received great advice and I will only say that what you are experiencing is not at all uncommon. The great graces that God has given you to bring you back have also convicted you of your crimes…Thus you feel great remorse and guilt. The penance you received from your confessor seems too little. You want God to take you over his knee and give you a good whippin’

What this really demonstrates is
  1. True contrition
  2. The lack of maturity to accept God’s forgiveness fully
Time will help with the second as you come to grips with your past sins and present/future temptations.

Peace
James
 
Hello All,

The outpouring of responses here is profoundly humbling. I am so grateful to have found this forum and offer my gratitude, as meaningless and small as it may seem. I am truly thankful for the time everyone here has set aside to reply to someone they don’t even know. I am truly humbled.

Pablope: I will print out a copy of the Chaplet and attempt to get through it in the next night or so. I work so many hours and will need to make time to print out the necessary material. If I do not have a rosary, what should I do?

Barb: The parable you offered was very moving. I think my biggest challenge is just going to be getting to a place where I can feel worthy of God, who is so infinitely merciful. I long to feel worthy and will take to heart everything you have said.

Bookcat: I will sincerely attempt to make a list of all my sins for my next Confessional. Hopefully I can remember them all. It truly has been so long since I have been in any sort of communion with God, and it is going to take a lot of time. I have done some pretty awful things and have been complicit in some serious offenses.
 
stownsin said:
Hello All,

My name is Sean and I have fallen very, very far from the faith. I have just recently started attending mass regularly after approximately 10 years of absence. Actually, it is quite embarrassing: I fumble through the Nicene Creed; I have forgotten most of the songs; and I get confused on a bunch of other rituals.

Anyway, I just went to Confession this past Saturday. It was my first time at Confession. I brought a list of my sins from the past couple weeks. I felt like an idiot though, as the priest had to guide me and I sorta stepped outside the ritual when I started sobbing about all the things I had lost this past year. I mentioned how I had done terrible things to drive the love of my life of 13 years away and how a once brightly lit future was now gone from me. I had made so many terrible choices.

My penance was this: he simply wanted me to rededicate myself to God through prayer. I thought there was going to be something more ‘appropriate’ and punitive. I don’t know. And he also wanted me to take communion. However, on the following day, I just could not bring myself to walk up and partake. I just feel so unworthy of that gift and everything it represents. It as if my feet are encased in concrete when it is my time to go. I just cannot bring myself to do it and it is tearing me apart.

Additionally, I don’t even know if I belong in the Church and God probably doesn’t want me there anyway. I look at so many women in lust, and I have found that I need to sit in the front, so as to not have myself in “occasion to sin”. I try to keep my head down when women are approaching the altar for the Eucharist, but sometimes I can’t help to look. That really tears me up, as well. I feel so much guilt being there. I feel like I am contaminating everything around me. What should I do?

Thank You
Click to expand...
 
stownsin said:
Hello All,

The outpouring of responses here is profoundly humbling. I am so grateful to have found this forum and offer my gratitude, as meaningless and small as it may seem. I am truly thankful for the time everyone here has set aside to reply to someone they don’t even know. I am truly humbled.

Pablope: I will print out a copy of the Chaplet and attempt to get through it in the next night or so. I work so many hours and will need to make time to print out the necessary material. If I do not have a rosary, what should I do?

.
Click to expand...
Once you get started on the Chaplet, you will find it easy to do. You can use your fingers to keep track but it may be hard to concentrate.

My suggestion is when you go to your parish or the priest, ask him is he has a spare rosary. Parishes usually have spares. Also, ask if your parish has a perpetual adoration chapel or one nearby, you can go there anytime and spend a few minutes in silence and pray.
 
stownsin said:
Hello All,

The outpouring of responses here is profoundly humbling. I am so grateful to have found this forum and offer my gratitude, as meaningless and small as it may seem. I am truly thankful for the time everyone here has set aside to reply to someone they don’t even know. I am truly humbled.
Click to expand...
You are truly welcome. In our Fathers house we do our best to help one another… (we also fight occasionally…:whistle:
Bookcat: I will sincerely attempt to make a list of all my sins for my next Confessional. Hopefully I can remember them all. It truly has been so long since I have been in any sort of communion with God, and it is going to take a lot of time. I have done some pretty awful things and have been complicit in some serious offenses.
Click to expand...
When I returned (after some 35 years) I knew I would not be able to close to remembering all my sins. So I chose a differnt method of examination. While I knew I could not rmember all instances and acts I did know that I sinned horribly in a number of different classes called the **Deadly Sins ** So as I looked over my life and my actions it became increasing clear to me how the various acts fit into the overall “faults” that the deadly sins represent. I then wrote out a confession - how I had fallen away from the church and committed many sins as each of these faults over took me (beginning with lust…)
I offer this here to you as a possible alternative that might make it easier to compose a good and complete confession.

Peace
James
 
Sean,

Last Sunday, I went to Confession for the first time in 8 or 9 years. I felt like an idiot confessing to the priest, too. I had long forgotten what to do, and he had to help me through it all. My penance was simple, and similar to yours: take a few minutes to kneel in the church and ask for God’s help to get me through this tough time in my life. What strikes me most about our two penances is they both encourage us to find our way back to God. They are simple and they are positive, because God wants us to be in communion with Him. I’m still struggling to understand why He should love me after the ways I’ve sinned against Him, but I think the simplicity of those penances really says something important.

Talk with a priest about how you’re feeling. Ask him your questions and tell him your doubts. He won’t (or at least, shouldn’t) judge you for them and he can help you come to a deeper understanding of God and the faith. Go to Confession again if you feel like you need to. I think you will gain grace and strength from it. Every time you feel tempted to fall into sin, stop what you’re doing and pray for strength. That’s what I’ve done since last week, and it has helped beyond my expectations.

I would really encourage you to take Communion. Try to relax and not feel so guilty; it will take time to trust (it’s taken me years, and I’m still working on it), but God has forgiven you. If you are distracted during Communion, close your eyes and focus on God. Pray for strength.

Well, I hope this helps, even just a little. You definitely took a good first step in coming back to the faith. Confession really turned my life around last week, and I think it can change your life, too. If you want to talk at all, feel free to shoot me a PM.

~Lefty
 
stownsin said:
Hello All,

My penance was this: he simply wanted me to rededicate myself to God through prayer. I thought there was going to be something more ‘appropriate’ and punitive. I don’t know. And he also wanted me to take communion. However, on the following day, I just could not bring myself to walk up and partake. I just feel so unworthy of that gift and everything it represents. It as if my feet are encased in concrete when it is my time to go. I just cannot bring myself to do it and it is tearing me apart.

What should I do?

Thank You
Click to expand...
You should take the Eucharist as the good father instructed. In the Sacrament of Reconciliation, it is about making things right between you and God. It is not about punishment, it is about a loving God wanting you to turn to Him in your life. In the story of the protigal son, the son thought himself unworthy, but yet the father welcomed, dressed and forgave him. You have been forgiven you sins, we are all sinners and are prone to sin again, but through prayer we are more likely to follow the Father. You may think of haveing you develope a prayer life is not appropriate, but it seems that the priest, through the guideance of the Holy Spirit is giving you exactly what you need.
 
There is very little I can say to you that others haven’t already said, however, I would like to comment on how couragous you are. It’s not easy to admit when we’ve made mistakes, and it’s even harder to try and own up to them, which you are obviously trying to do. Please remember that God loves you dearly, you are precious to him and that he’s not willing to give you up because of a few mistakes which you are clearly sorry for. Remember, in God’s court you’re not just forgiven, you’re justified and declaired innocent, by the blood of Jesus. I will keep you in my prayers, God bless.
 
Greetings Sean,
I was in your shoes 4 years ago…after leaving the chruch for 15 years, I thought I would never be able to come back…but this is what I learned.
No sin is too great for God to forgive, as this is what he says to us all that have left him…“come back to me with all your heart, don;t let fear keep us apart” he waits for me in the blessed sacrament of communion. I repeated this so many times until it finally kicked in! He does love me, sins and all!
I also had forgotten more about my catholic faith during the time I was away…so i joined up with the RCIA classes and went every week for several months and I’m so glad I did (this was the best way to get back into the swing of things) I know I learned so much more than I had forgotten.
I wish you all the best and please HANG in there :console: …it will get better.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top