I can't bring myself to take Communion

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Sean,

It does not matter where you were in the beginning or the middle. What matters is where you end. So, put that foot in front of the other. You have received many wonderful responses to this thread you opened, none the least is that God’s mercy is always bigger than whatever sin(s) you have committed.

Like you, like many others who posted, I was in spiritual and moral poverty for so long that I found little joy in having my wonderful family around and the pleasure that the material world offered. St. Augustine had it right, our souls are restless until they find rest in God. His story is not far from that of St. Paul before him, that of Father Corapi in our present day, and that by each of us here in some degree, who at last wish to turn (back) to something true, good and beautiful.

We need the Eucharist, Sean. I know what you are saying about feeling not worthy, even after confession. I think it’s because even if we are contrite and ask for forgiveness, we are unsure if our contrition and penance are enough. How can it be? We are unable to shake the memory of our sins. It’s still hard for me. I realize I offended our almighty God and myself.

The parts of the Mass that are truly touching for me are when the celebrant raises the consecrated bread and wine and in the communion rite where he says “This is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world” and where we respond “Lord, I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word and I shall be healed.”

Welcome to the forum, Sean. And welcome back to our beautiful faith.
,
 
I’ve found / find helpful the adult examination of conscience guides that are available online:

There are several online, this one was developed by Fr. Altier, a spiritual director.

catholicparents.org/oxcart/Examination%20of%20Conscience.pdf

The top of the first page lists the necessary conditions for mortal sins. Pages 1-4 talk about the mortal sins (mostly acts of commission, but not always).

Pages 4-9 talk about venial sins (mostly acts of omission, but not always).

Page 8 talks about how to go to confession.

Also the full explanation of the Commandments are online at:

vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2.htm

Sections 2052-2557

Cliff Notes on the Catechism (Compendium of the Catholic Church)

vatican.va/archive/compendium_ccc/documents/archive_2005_compendium-ccc_en.html#The Ten Commandments

434-533
 
Dear OP:
Be very clear that, sacramentally, there is nothing that you “need” to do in terms of revisiting the recent confession to which you refer, assuming that there was nothing serious in the category of sin that you deliberately withheld (as opposed to nervous omissions). Assuming heartfelt contrition and your best effort given your anxiety, and that the priest heard everything you said, all the requirements for a sacramental confession were completed, and you have been forgiven of all known sins since your last confession, for which you expressed contrition specifically (by naming sins) and generally (in the Act of Contrition), including any you accidentally failed to enumerate…

Often, when one has been “away” for a long time, a General (Comprehensive) Confession is carefully undertaken, by appointment with a Confessor, whom the penitent has alerted to the absence. If you feel that your Confession was incomplete in content, that’s OK. Take the next confession as an opportunity to feel in those blanks, with as much help from the priest as you need.

Your lingering regret, remorse, sense of unworthiness is actually a gift, though it sure as heck doesn’t feel like it – a feeling I can well relate to. An important aspect of the graces one receives in and after the Confession is linked to the ability to “feel” one’s sins, rather than just reconstructing them mentally. You continue to feel sinful, unworthy. (Join the huge club. ;)) But do not keep yourself away from Eucharist. Bring your feelings of unworthiness to Eucharist as well. Shame and humiliation are occasions of grace, being that, if they are given over to Our Lord, they are cherished by Him as opportunities to flood your soul with Himself instead of your Self. It’s important to do this rather than to withdraw with those feelings into some internal self-reliance, which risks despondency (and avoidance of God, prayer, the sacraments). He knows you’re unworthy. Aren’t we all. He only asks that you bring that unworthiness to Him, acknowledging your utter dependency on Him, so that he can rush in with those graces.

I agree with some the other posters who have urged an appointment with the priest to help you sort out these feelings and redirect them prayerfully. This will be helpful from a practical and emotional standpoint, so that you will not be tempted to despair. Keep in mind, too, that the Evil One can sniff the fragile returning soul, and seeks to exploit that fragility with pride, which is sometimes masked as perceived unworthiness. It is shattering to one’s ego to have to face the ugly truth of our sins, and the Devil knows that you’re still vulnerable. All the more reason to seek out spiritual counsel with the priest, to keep you on the path which feels frightening and risky after an absence, and to be able to do battle with temptations to abandon the effort due to feeling overcome with emotion.

Each of us, if we’ve had even one truly raw, honest confession in our lives (hopefully most/all of them are!) feels as if we are the worst sinner in the world; there is none as despicable as ourselves. Again, trust me: this is a grace.

Second, an aspect that might not have been discussed yet is the aspect of reparation. Technically, even the holiest of people could spend the remainder of their lives trying to repair the effects of even one serious sin they have ever committed, and still not succeed (to their knowledge) – long after that sin was confessed. And most of us have several serious sin occasions to repair. Bring your limitations in that department, as well as your sincere wish to do reparation, to Jesus. I would also discuss the aspect of reparation with the priest. Often prayer is involved, but just as often, practical action works to repair our pasts. (This is even true on a secular level, where men with anger issues, for example, have been useful in leading Anger Management classes in the civil realm.) Men with previous purity problems, such as Jason Evert and a new guy (I froget his name) that was featured recently on EWTN’s Women of Grace, are now spending time at talks, workshops, retreats, counseling about chastity, the destructive consequences of pornography to self and society. Etc. People with serious tendencies toward destructive gossip can make it a point to be affirmative and constructive in their speech, and to ask for that ongoing virtue of which St. Paul speaks so eloquently in Philippians 4:8.

I will keep you in my prayers this week.
 
Bookcat said:
Hello

Sorry for your loss and the struggles…

God can help you through all this…he loves you…

A couple of things though …you mentioned it was your first confession and that you confessed the sins from the past two weeks…

Since you were away for so many years…you would actually need to make a good examination of conscience and confess all your mortal sins in number and kind (murder 3x, adultery 2x etc) and if there was a circumstance that changed the sin…like the person you killed was your brother…

You would need to confess all the mortal sins…(since baptism if you have never been to confession…)…not just recent sins…

Do not stress about this…get a good examination of conscience and make an appointment with the Priest…he can help you …tell him you have been away for x number of years etc…(and if you were not confirmed…you should seek this too in time)…

Again do not stress too much…one does what one can to remember etc…Ask the Priest to help…

As for lust…talk with him about this difficulty…you may be having scruples here and confusing attraction with lust…of course we want to avoid actual lust (such is grave…)…and have a reasonable custody of the eyes…but not scruple and stress!

Know that Jesus loves you and he really is our* true life*
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In addition to what I noted above…I forgot to mention something (pun intended) if after you make your appointment with the Priest and go to confession…you realise you forgot to confess some *mortal sin *(or that it was 5x etc for multiples…oh and sometimes we do not know and have to approximate…that is fine…) no worries …forgetting can easily happen or we may not even think of one …due to the time span to be covered or nervousness or not knowing etc so no worries 🙂 We are obliged though to mention it in the next confession (when we remember it). But no worries!

(The problem would come in when we intentionally * hide *a mortal sin …such can be another mortal sin and make the confession invalid…)

Just sit down with the Priest …he will help you.

Remember Jesus Loves us, forgives us and makes us again what we are from Baptism --no matter what sins we committed—

and what is that?

*Sons of Light
 
Sean,

AS one who has been wehre you’re at, just a few thoughts.
First, welcome back. You are Wanted back in the community.
Second, (as my confessor told me) you NEED communion. You need the healing only God can bring. Be open to it… open up to God, and allow him in. During my confession (the first in 16 years), the priest told me that I needed to be open to the healing only communion would bring. I made a committment to myself to attend Mass DAILY for 30 days… It helped enormously. While I cannot always attend Mass Daily now, I do make time for prayer on a daily basis and I attend when I can.
Third, I found it helpful to contact the priest to whom I’d confessed (who therefore knew of my lapse, return and the circumstances involved) and explain that I wanted to continue exploring my faith so that I wouldn’t fall away again. I asked for a reccomendation for a spiritual director. The woman he reccomended has proven invaluable…
 
Sean,

Congratulations on going to Confession, doing penance and returning to Mass. You should receive Holy Communion and draw upon the graces you receive from receiving our Lord.

You are getting a lot of good advice. I hope you can go to confession once again and talk to the priest. Before you go next time make an examination of your conscience. Being away from the Church for a long time review mortal sins and what these mean. If you forgot to confess any mortal sins or did not understand that they they were mortal sins when you went to your last Confession make sure you confess them once you have become aware of them.

You can google Confession or mortal sin on the internet if you need more information or talk to the priest. As you continue forward I recommend making weekly Confession a regular habit. I go weekly and look forward to that moment each and every week. Confession is an awesome grace, wonderful gift our Lord offers us to turn to Him and acknowledge our weaknesses. He offers us forgiveness and the grace to receive Him in the Eucharist worthily. It means the Devil cannot have a hold of me.
 
Hello Everyone,

It is very hard for me to post on this thread as I continue to disappoint myself. My life is sorta spiraling out of control and I cry every night now. I missed mass this past Sunday. I didn’t make an appointment to see the priest as he told me to. I didn’t get the rosary. I didn’t get the Chaplet. I am so ashamed. Even as I write this, I can’t help the tears the well up in my eyes and soul. I have lost the greatest partner/friend/companion of 13 years about 6 months ago. I drove her away with my disloyalty, indolence, and lack of intimacy. Since then, I have been falling down a rabbit hole. I am trying to work as much as I can to keep my mind off of things, but I am just so exhausted to the point that I don’t seem to be making good decisions. I am involved in an unhealthy relationship with a younger woman with whom I frequently sin. My parents have been away for almost a year. My mom has always been my guiding light and I miss her so much. I have no moral anchor. I am trying so hard and I am so sorry that I keep screwing up.

Moreover, I again did not take communion even when I was told to. I will have to confess that. I just can’t and I break down and pause even now to compose myself. I so badly want to be a good person and its so hard. I try to do a good deed every day, because the priest in a recent mass emphasized ‘doing the small things’. A waiter at my job that I work at gave me what he thought was 20 single dollar bills to change for a 20 (I am a bartender). There were 21 and I pocketed the extra dollar. I confessed it and the priest asked if there was a way I could give it back. A cashier at Kroger gave me an extra dollar in change and I returned it. A customer at my work read his bill wrong and gave me 8 extra dollars, but I gave them back. But no matter what, I just cannot seem to give back that original dollar. I gave what little I had (I have fallen on very difficult financial times) to the ushers at Mass. Still the deed weighs heavily on me.

I was reminded of my grandma who died recently. At the beginning of my first year of college, I had my tuition stolen that I had worked all summer for. My grandma who was dying of cancer and penniless gave me everything she had and when I spoke at her funeral, I read that passage from Luke about the poor widow who gives not of her excess but of her very welfare. I wish so badly that I could be that good. Instead I have cheated, lied, stolen, and cursed God on thousands of occasions,

I can’t get past this obsession I have with doing something monumentally huge to redeem myself. When the Chilean miners were stuck beneath the Earth, I fantasized about being the last miner to go up and getting stuck in the shaft. I wanted to be that person who would in a moment have given himself for others. When I lost my fiancee, and I was continuing to hurt her by driving out to my other girlfriend’s house, I kept looking around for burning houses to run into in order to save someone and die doing it. I just wanted God to send me the opportunity to make it all right and He didn’t.

I don’t know what else to say. I feel like I have wasted some peoples’ time here and for that I am deeply sorry. I am so sorry.😦
 
Well, you haven’t wasted my time, brother, and I doubt you’ve wasted the time of other posters, because they would not have responded, if so.

I do wish you would go to a priest, in person, not worry about crying, but just pour your heart out to him – including if that means tears, and he will probably (hopefully, he has a good list of resources) refer you to a Catholic psychologist. That will not be sufficient; you do need a great deal of spiritual healing as well, but he should be able to direct you in that department as well.

Select a priest who you sense, in his personal relations with parishioners (including, but not limited to Sundays), is a man of compassion and patience. For example, among the priests at one parish near me is an older priest who specifically mentions, often, that healing is what he most enjoys about the priesthood. He considers himself first and foremost a healer. If I were in your position, I would select this particular priest (for me), because he has “advertised” himself in that manner, and clearly is most interested in his healing role, above all else. This would be kind of priest who would make it his business to investigate the best psychological resources for me, as well as simultaneously suggesting ongoing conversations between me and him, perhaps, and/or spiritual direction through a nearby network of spiritual directors.

Despair is not godly. It drives us away from God. God doesn’t want you going there. Despair is where the devil lives and thrives, so do not think that your impulse to remove yourself from sacraments is a holy impulse. It is a sign of despair, and you need rescuing so you can return to relationship with God, who will fill you and redeem you.
 
stownsin said:
My penance was this: he simply wanted me to rededicate myself to God through prayer. I thought there was going to be something more ‘appropriate’ and punitive. I don’t know. And he also wanted me to take communion. However, on the following day, I just could not bring myself to walk up and partake. I just feel so unworthy of that gift and everything it represents. It as if my feet are encased in concrete when it is my time to go. I just cannot bring myself to do it and it is tearing me apart.
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get in line
none of us, not me, not you, not the pope is worthy to receive our Lord in Holy Communion but it is also not our perogative to receive the gift He offers on such grounds. He makes us worthy, that is the meaning of the prayer we recite just before communion, “Lord I am not worthy, but only say the word and I shall be healed.”

You are letting your feelings trump Christ’s grace in the sacraments. The priest absolved you of all sins of your past life in your [very courageous] confession. To refuse to accept that grace is to reject Christ’s gift. It is not our perogative either to decide what penance is “appropriate and punitive” that belongs to the priest, so do what he told you to do. In refusing to accept communion with Him when Christ offers once He has returned you to the state of grace throug confession is refusing the very grace that will melt the concrete and knit you together where you feel torn apart.
 
I would suggest you stop and take a breath.

You are focusing so strongly on your past issues that you are losing focus of today. Make a list each day of what you want to accomplish and then go about one item at a time. If you don’t get to a few items, put them at the top of the next day’s list. Tomorrow set an appointment with the priest to discuss all this, and also ask for recommendations for a faithful Catholic counselor or psychologist. I think they would be very beneficial to help you develop skills with dealing with your issues of feeling unworthy and your issues with past sinful behavior and current bad relationships.

Go to Confession regularly, but don’t beat yourself up over worrying about it. If you remember a sin you forgot to confess, don’t worry. It is already forgiven, but just confess it at your next confession.

And for goodness sake, go up and receive Communion. Christ Himself gave His authority to the Church to ordain your priest to be His representative and to dispense the Sacraments. He wouldn’t have done so if He didn’t want you to partake of them.

Welcome home, and God bless!
 
zz912 said:
You are focusing so strongly on your past issues that you are losing focus of today.
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This is a critical point. The OP needs to understand that there is no “time” with God (in the way we account for time, sequentially), and that also the only important “time” is the time of the present moment. That’s why response to His grace in the present moment is always so important and so urgent.

Second, we have to remember that scrupulosity which results in a refusal of God’s grace (for example, refusal of sacraments) is a cloak for pride. It takes humility to accept God’s grace, most especially at those times when we are most acutely aware of our abject unworthiness. As puzzleannie also said, “get in line.” None of us is “worthy.” Mary Magdalene was not worthy. Augustine of Hippo was not worthy. They became “worthy” in the very act of acknowledging what great sinners they were and how they were nothing before God.

To accept God’s grace takes courage. Faustyna reported that Jesus said to her that the measure of mercy we receive is directly related to the size of the container of need we bring to Him. And as He also reported to Faustyna, refusal of his mercy pains Jesus terribly.
 
Jeremiah 29 NAB
11 For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope.
12 When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you.
13 When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart,
14 you will find me with you, says the LORD, and I will change your lot; I will gather you together from all the nations and all the places to which I have banished you, says the LORD, and bring you back to the place from which I have exiled you.
 
The Eucharist is medicine…and armor: it helps protect you against further sin.

I know the picture you’re talking about. It is very moving. It is the favorite image of a friend of mine who is an addict (in recovery) who had done things to minors while in the military, deployed abroad, in areas where that’s big business. He is horrified at what he’s done, but he has accepted Christ’s forgiveness and clings to it.

God’s ways are really in our best interests…and sometimes we insist on learning the hard way by ignoring God’s ways and then it all goes wrong and we’ve made a mess of things. Then we learn. I am not pointing a finger at you because I know well having traveled this path–I know the stink of the sin I stewed in…and I know God totally forgets my sin once I’ve confessed and done penance. Poof, gone! He promised that in Jeremiah 31.

I know you feel like raw ground beef right now–conversion and sorrow for sin can have a holy pain to it. Don’t dread that it will be like this forever–you will go into a place of peace soon, promise. Things will get nice and calm and boring. 😃
 
A friend of mine shared what she was told by her priest after she made a confession after thirty years away from the Catholic Church: It had to do with the parable of the lost sheep and the lost coin.

The shepherd searched for the lost sheep, and the housewife searched for the lost coin, not because the sheep or the coin were bad, but because they were VALUABLE. My friend told me that her priest emphasized this with her because he wanted her to appreciate the value of her soul to Our Lord.

Of course, you’re going to struggle with sinful tendencies. Who doesn’t? We all struggle against them. I suspect that is why the old Catechism referred to the Church on earth (as part of the Communion of Saints) as the Church Militant. We all fight our personal demons, foibles, and peccadilloes every day of our lives. And even if we don’t actually commit a sin, we struggle with these tendencies. It’s called “concupiscence,” the tendency of humanity to act in the direction of sin and savagery, what we inherited from the sin of Adam and Eve. We all fight it. Even the holiest of people that are still on earth. Anybody who claims otherwise is either delusional, clueless, or a plain old liar.

And that, my friend, is precisely why we need the great graces that fall to us in the Church, and most especially the graces given to us when we receive Our Lord in the Eucharist.

So go to Mass, and receive Communion, to nourish your newly reawakened soul. Go back to confession soon, and you will be able to make a more objective and reasonable confession, and profit from the advice you will be given and the penance you perform. And then go to Mass, and receive Communion. Repeat. Keep repeating.

Your body will die from lack of nourishment. Don’t deprive your soul of the spiritual food it needs from the sacraments.

And welcome back!
 
To the OP:

You mentioned in one of your previous posts a painting that your grandparents had that made a mark on you. Is this it? oneyearbibleimages.com/forgiven.jpg

It’s called ‘Forgiven’ by Thomas Blackshear II. 🙂

The posters have been dead on with all their advice, but allow me to offer some. I was never out of the Church like you were, but I struggled with lust a lot, as I’m sure you can relate. Perhaps understanding why exactly lust is a mortal sin will help you stop the habit (it helped for me!). I’ll try to explain this as simply as I can 🙂

When someone lusts, they are turning the other person into an object- literally. Instead of looking at that person as a person, you are looking at them and asking “How much can I get out of them before I get bored? How much pleasure will they give me?” Like I just said, you literally turn them into a pleasure object and not something to be respected. Keep in mind, and this is important, that every woman you lust after is another man’s daughter. Imagine if he could read your thoughts about his daughter!! :eek: Furthermore, imagine if your own mother was the object of a man’s lust. How terrible that would be!! 😦

So hopefully you can see why lust is as bad as the Church says it is, and maybe that will help you stay away from it 🙂

Also, keep praying every day, go to Confession as much as you need to, and receive the Eucharist 🙂 You’re on the right track, now you just need to keep it up! 👍
 
Dearest stownsin,

I am a late commer to the thread but having read through it I only wish I could be there with you. I know going through this can seem like a very difficult and lonely venture. I want you to know that we at Catholic.com, the Church, all the saints in heaven, and the Blessed Virgin Mary are with you in prayer and love.

It is very easy to think that we are not worthy to recieve communion, being the sinful people we are…and that is because its true. Remember the prayer in the Mass before everyone goes up for communion, “Lord I am not worthy to recieve you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” Keep this in mind, we know we are not worthy, but God is worthy and God choose to be humiliated and crucified for us.

Sometimes I, like you, wish the priest would give me a bit harder penance after confession, but remember the purpose of penance is not to justify yourself by doing something, Christ did this on the Cross, but it is to reflect on what you did and submit yourself more fully to God.

Keep going to Mass, and make that appointment with the priest. Also remember the parable of the prodigal son. The son left his father and squandered his money and life, but when he returned the father accepted his penatent son with open arms.

I very much suggest you go to a Chapel with Adoration near you (if your parish doesnt have it than most likely another one near you does) just go in and before the Blessed Sacrament just tell God you love him, and your sorry, and you want to be with him again.

Then (if you feel you need to) go to Confession again, then recieve him in Holy Communion. You may not feel worthy because none of us really are worthy to recieve our Lord, but place your trust in Him.
 
stownsin said:
I can’t get past this obsession I have with doing something monumentally huge to redeem myself.

I don’t know what else to say. I feel like I have wasted some peoples’ time here and for that I am deeply sorry. I am so sorry.😦
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No, brother, you don’t have to do something huge. Jesus already did it. Please see your priest. You do need to confess missing Mass last week.

You are not wasting our time. You’re not wasting my time. This is why we come back here.
 
stownsin said:
Hello All,
Additionally, I don’t even know if I belong in the Church and God probably doesn’t want me there anyway. I look at so many women in lust, and I have found that I need to sit in the front, so as to not have myself in “occasion to sin”. I try to keep my head down when women are approaching the altar for the Eucharist, but sometimes I can’t help to look. That really tears me up, as well. I feel so much guilt being there. I feel like I am contaminating everything around me. What should I do?
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This was a real pet peeve for me too, and I find it is basically not an issue anymore after switching to an Extraordinary Form parish where pretty much everyone dresses appropriately for the holy sacrifice of the mass and about half of the women wear chapel veils. Something to think about, down the road, if there’s one in your city. It was an annoyance for me on Sundays when I used to attend the Ordinary Form.
 
Ask the Blessed Mother to help you grow in purity of thought, word, and deed. I agree, attending the Extraordinary Form might help you get over the hump of getting used to maintaining some custody over your eyes.

Not to hijack this, but the other day I was driving to work listening to our local Catholic radio station (if nothing else, it helps put me in a better mood for starting the day,) There was a lovely prayer of purity that was said on the radio, and I tried to unite my thoughts to that. Now one of my big habitual sins is cussing, and I became acutely aware of how bad it’s gotten when I launched into a verbal diatribe at a staff meeting at work, right there in front of the boss! I’ve confessed this sin repeatedly, and have always been on the lookout for something that will help me out with amending it. Anyways, this prayer of purity came on the radio and I was trying to unite my thoughts and desires with it while keeping an eye on traffic when another car cut me off. You guessed it–I honked and started cussing.

The really big stuff is sometimes easier to deal with in confession, amend our lives, and go on. The stupid stuff like this, once it becomes habitual, is incredibly tough to break! All I can suggest is this–keep praying. I know I am!
 
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