I can't cope with sexless marriage

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DrowningSaint

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Hello I am ‘M’ a Catholic who is having a hard time with my marriage at the moment. My wife is not having sex with me and I dont know how to cope with it as I feel it couldbe this way forever. She is 30+ and has no major illness or anything and isnt really talking to me the way she normally does but is fine with others still. She isnt saying she is tired or busy just an abrupt no. In the past she uses lack of sex to punish me she gets annoyed and says she takes it away. It has been a while since last time and I find it very difficult like I havent eaten for a while but all cupboards are full of food which my wife wont let me eat. I pray a lot that things return to normal but nothing yet. I may sound selfish but it is also the most unitive thing between us when afterwards we cuddle differently. I work I look after children ours and do much around the house so its not like I am homer simpson. Sorry.
 
Well, the biggest issues are her use of sex as a weapon in your relationship and that she won’t talk to you about what is going on.

Have you tried to get a meeting between you, she, and your priest or a counselor to discuss this situation?

I am not sure what practical advice we can offer you in this situation since your wife seems unwilling to address the issue at all.
 
I would suggest finding a priest who is conversant with St JP II’s Theology of the Body. Your wife is not respecting your dignity as a human person.

Note: I’m not judging her, just trying to be objective.
 
She won’t let you eat whatever is in the cupboard? :eek: Why not? And have you asked her why she doesn’t want to have sex? Is the negation always about “punishment”? 😦
 
E_7 said:
She won’t let you eat whatever is in the cupboard? :eek: Why not? And have you asked her why she doesn’t want to have sex? Is the negation always about “punishment”? 😦
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I took that as metaphorical.
 
1ke said:
Well, the biggest issues are her use of sex as a weapon in your relationship and that she won’t talk to you about what is going on.

Have you tried to get a meeting between you, she, and your priest or a counselor to discuss this situation?

I am not sure what practical advice we can offer you in this situation since your wife seems unwilling to address the issue at all.
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This.

Have you considered counselling to help with your communication overall?

Lou
 
There are two sides to every coin. On the one hand, it maybe isn’t advisable to withhold sex, but equally, there seems to be an overriding issue of which sex is just one symptom.

She may have already told you what her concerns are. Are you listening carefully?

Is she having a good time with sex? A lot of men are content, don’t realize their wives aren’t.

Women aren’t geared like men. They generally can’t go from 0-60 mph in a matter of seconds. They need courtship to be at the top of their game, romance.

What is going on outside the bedroom? If your life isn’t good outside the bedroom, it won’t be good inside, normally speaking.

Counseling would be good to get around the stonewalling and withholding sex, but you will probably be asked to compromise in some area of yours, as well.

What are your wife’s typical complaints? Does she have a point?

Some women withhold sex, because they feel it’s the only way left to get a man’s attention. It can call attention to other problems when someone’s not listening.

Here’s one article on why some women won’t sleep with their husbands, 5 reasons, (may or may not be your case, just including it anyway). huffingtonpost.com/meg-conley/five-reasons-your-wife-wo_b_5658214.html

I’d recommend marriage counseling, and if she is isn’t willing to go with you, you could probably benefit from going alone.

Do you know your wife’s “love language”? What shows her you love her?

Court her again if she’s willing.
 
Do you know why she is so unhappy? It’s hard to want to have sex when one is miserable.
 
Thee threads. A Novena is a worthy prayer, but you need serious in-real-life help. Call your pastor and see if he will counsel you both, or recommend a good Catholic marriage counselor.
Call first thing in the morning.
 
E_7 said:
She won’t let you eat whatever is in the cupboard? :eek:
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He was using it as an example to explain the situation. He didn’t really mean he wasn’t allowed to eat the food in the house without permission. Got me first read through too. ;):o
 
Convert_in_99 said:
Please tell me E_7 and I weren’t the only ones who caught this. Sex (or lack thereof) is not the REAL issue in this marriage. If the wife is so controlling as to whether or not this grown man gets to eat or not, we are way beyond sex issues here. Hello people wake up! :o
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I think that was an analogy. He isn’t literally saying his wife controls whether he gets to eat or not, he’s saying that’s how he feels when she constantly says no to sex.
 
She may be embarrassed to admit that sex is physically painful. A visit with a doctor may be helpful. She may have been physically abused as a child and this is just coming to the surface.
 
DarkLight said:
I think that was an analogy. He isn’t literally saying his wife controls whether he gets to eat or not, he’s saying that’s how he feels when she constantly says no to sex.
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Got it. Took me a second read through though…:o
 
I am wondering does your wife need to see a doctor to rule out medical conditions or to check for depression? Praying for you.
 
First thing is to rule out physical issues. But if she will not even do that, the OP has bigger problems than the lack of sex.

Somewhere along the line, the OP lost the respect of his wife. If a wife doesn’t respect her husband, that makes it very difficult for her to want to care about his needs. He will know by her body language and tone if she is feeling contempt and/or disgust for him. If that’s also the case, again, bigger problems than the lack of sex.

In other words, the lack of sex is not a cause, it’s a symptom of deeper issues between the OP and his wife. Further supplication on his part will very likely not help matters; he has probably ceded the leadership of the family to his wife; women in this situation often stop respecting their husbands.

Took awhile to get here, it will take awhile to bring it back. Good luck. I pray for the children that their parents can figure it out.
 
DrowningSaint said:
Hello I am ‘M’ a Catholic who is having a hard time with my marriage at the moment. My wife is not having sex with me and I dont know how to cope with it as I feel it couldbe this way forever. She is 30+ and has no major illness or anything and isnt really talking to me the way she normally does but is fine with others still. She isnt saying she is tired or busy just an abrupt no. In the past she uses lack of sex to punish me she gets annoyed and says she takes it away. It has been a while since last time and I find it very difficult like I havent eaten for a while but all cupboards are full of food which my wife wont let me eat. I pray a lot that things return to normal but nothing yet. I may sound selfish but it is also the most unitive thing between us when afterwards we cuddle differently. I work I look after children ours and do much around the house so its not like I am homer simpson. Sorry.
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I haven’t caught up with the thread yet, but here’s a thought:

Your wife is the cupboard.

It’s not that she is cruelly keeping you out of some inanimate object–this is her body.
 
Another thought–does your wife enjoy sex with you? There’s a good chance that the answer is “no” and that that explains why she isn’t interested in making love with you.

I like chocolate a lot. I wouldn’t stop eating chocolate just to spite my husband. The only reason I would stop would be because it didn’t taste good to me anymore.

(I know that a lot of CAFers take a tough suck-it-up-buttercup view about sex, but I can’t help but feel that that is counterproductive and bad psychology)
 
You didn’t say how long you’ve been married. My guess would be 5 years maybe. All kinds of learning still to come. I agree with others. Withholding sex is never the right thing to do. But you both still have some learning to do. Do you go to church together? Do you pray together? I suggest you pray for her and the struggle she is going through.

You said she isn’t talking with you as she normally does. That’s your red flag. Something is definitely amiss. And, from a female perspective, nothing is more aggravating than for a husband to see the red flag, understand somethings wrong, and then walk in the bedroom with “knoodling” on his mind. This tells a female you don’t care if somethings wrong or if she’s unhappy. You want to Play. Women don’t work that way.

You need to get to the bottom of it…either with counseling or your own special way of showing her she’s special and you care how she feels.

God Bless You
 
DrowningSaint said:
Hello I am ‘M’ a Catholic who is having a hard time with my marriage at the moment. My wife is not having sex with me and I dont know how to cope with it as I feel it couldbe this way forever. She is 30+ and has no major illness or anything and isnt really talking to me the way she normally does but is fine with others still. She isnt saying she is tired or busy just an abrupt no. In the past she uses lack of sex to punish me she gets annoyed and says she takes it away. It has been a while since last time and I find it very difficult like I havent eaten for a while but all cupboards are full of food which my wife wont let me eat. I pray a lot that things return to normal but nothing yet. I may sound selfish but it is also the most unitive thing between us when afterwards we cuddle differently. I work I look after children ours and do much around the house so its not like I am homer simpson. Sorry.
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It is one of the most difficult parts of marriage other than poor health of someone in the family. There is absolutely no guarantee that sexual activity will occur in marriage, regardless of intentions at the start. Some marriage are never even consummated.
 
The refusal of intimacy is just the outward sign of a huge problem. She’s not communicating with you. Something is really wrong. You HAVE to talk it out. You need someone to sit down with the two of you to ask her how this started. I think you likely have an idea, and you’re obligated to tell us, but it seems the problem is bigger than sex.
You are not behaving as a couple. It’s going to take the work of both of you to untangle this mysterious knot.
See you pastor about it. Insist that you both go. It’s that important.
 
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