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pianistclare
Guest
Oops. Edit function expired. You’re. NOT obligated to tell us.But likely you know what happened. See a priest or counselor. Praying for you.
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Xantippe
Guest
Come to think of it, how old is your youngest child?
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kptrs
Guest
I agree with others that the problem is not the lack of sex, but rather the fact that she won’t talk about it. And that she’s using withholding sex as a “weapon.” This is a childish, passive aggressive way to behave. If she continually refuses to communicate with you, you will need the professional help of a good psychologist.
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pianistclare
Guest
We would all do well to remember we’re only hearing one side of the story.
Women seldom turn off suddenly & unexpectedly…things tend to wear down slowly…
Prayers offered.
Women seldom turn off suddenly & unexpectedly…things tend to wear down slowly…
Prayers offered.
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mafh
Guest
Some thoughts:
It could be a mismatch in preferred frequency of sex or level of sexual desire – I understand that this is a common problem.
It could be a sign of something else wrong with the marriage that needs to be addressed, after which the sex problem may work itself out.
It could be that your wife is suffering from stress or heavy domestic/child care responsibilities.
One article I read on the topic while researching your problem said that frequency of sex on average declines about 20% per decade a couple is married. The greatest decrease tends to be around 2-3 years after marriage, when the honeymoon period is over. Maybe something like this is happening?
Another period where there might be a big decrease is after childbirth and during nursing, when a woman may view her body more in terms of its nurturing abilities, and less in terms of being sexually desirable.
Another possibility is fear of pregnancy on your wife’s part.
Another thing I read is that if one spouse feels that the other is ‘nagging’ for sex, it tends to stop the sex completely.
You and your wife will have to figure out the root cause for the problem before you can come to a solution.
It could be a mismatch in preferred frequency of sex or level of sexual desire – I understand that this is a common problem.
It could be a sign of something else wrong with the marriage that needs to be addressed, after which the sex problem may work itself out.
It could be that your wife is suffering from stress or heavy domestic/child care responsibilities.
One article I read on the topic while researching your problem said that frequency of sex on average declines about 20% per decade a couple is married. The greatest decrease tends to be around 2-3 years after marriage, when the honeymoon period is over. Maybe something like this is happening?
Another period where there might be a big decrease is after childbirth and during nursing, when a woman may view her body more in terms of its nurturing abilities, and less in terms of being sexually desirable.
Another possibility is fear of pregnancy on your wife’s part.
Another thing I read is that if one spouse feels that the other is ‘nagging’ for sex, it tends to stop the sex completely.
You and your wife will have to figure out the root cause for the problem before you can come to a solution.
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pensmama87
Guest
I’m very sorry you are going through this, it must be very difficult.
One thing I remind myself of (rather frequently) is that regardless of who’s most at fault, the only person you can change is yourself. This is serious stuff you’re dealing with and I think a professional will help, but please remember your promises and vows to your wife. It’s very tempting to just completely shut down, but will that improve or worsen the situation?
I think the “how” is best addressed by a therapist. Even if your wife won’t go, you can go.
God bless you.
One thing I remind myself of (rather frequently) is that regardless of who’s most at fault, the only person you can change is yourself. This is serious stuff you’re dealing with and I think a professional will help, but please remember your promises and vows to your wife. It’s very tempting to just completely shut down, but will that improve or worsen the situation?
I think the “how” is best addressed by a therapist. Even if your wife won’t go, you can go.
God bless you.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
In this case, she’s explicitly using sex as a weapon, and withholding as punishment. Barring infidelity or abuse, she’s being cruel.
From the sounds of it, she figured out that this gives her power, and she loves that power more than she loves her husband.
Sometimes, there isn’t a deeper issue and some people are just bad, selfish spouses. This sounds like one of those times.
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pensmama87
Guest
Ehhh…maybe.
Even if that’s the case, how does it help the OP? “Well, my wife is just mean, I guess,” isn’t going to get him anywhere. No, she shouldn’t be doing what she’s doing. It is cruel.
But the OP would do well to consider what his role is (preferably with a pro). A therapist can offer insight into how the two of them are interacting. I don’t think I’m a bad person, and my husband isn’t either, but we had a really rough patch for a while where we were both very, very mean to each other and completely convinced the other was 100% at fault. Sometimes all that’s needed is one person to become aware of the cycle and the patterns can be reversed. The other will have to go along with it eventually, and there’s no guarantee of it, but I still think it’s worth trying.
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pianistclare
Guest
Yes.
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heidi_storage
Guest
Agree. We shouldn’t be gaslighting the OP…
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mafh
Guest
That is one way of viewing the situation. On the other hand, I don’t imagine many women would be willing to sleep with her husband if she was really and truly angry with him. Anger and sex just don’t mix for many women – sex is a vulnerable act for women that requires trust. What one side sees as ‘sex as a weapon’, the other side could see as a natural consequence of strongly-felt negative emotions.
Finally, I doubt that assigning blame will help the OP’s situation.
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pensmama87
Guest
It’s not gaslighting to suggest that the OP consider his wife’s motivations, especially under the care of a competent therapist who can keep a professional distance and help him sort out what’s reasonable and what’s not.
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mafh
Guest
Thank you for that! I find it alarming that some have jumped into this thread with pitchforks! It’s entirely possible that this is a very solvable problem and that there is no malice on either side.
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Rau
Guest
This is what needs to be determined. It will require not sex, but a meaningful discussion. Focus on pursuing that. Her practice of dealing with problems by withdrawing sex, rather than talking with you, is a following issue to address once normality and trust are restored.
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Lily_Bernans
Guest
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Xantippe
Guest
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pianistclare
Guest
In addition, if she is really punishing him…what for? 
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Xantippe
Guest
Right.
I think that’s an especially good point about women, anger and sex.
How feasible is it for a woman to allow her body to be enjoyed by her husband when she is ragingly angry with him and kind of hates his guts? Wouldn’t that be kind of rape-y feeling for the woman on the receiving end of that kind of “love-making”?
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pianistclare
Guest
I wish the OP would come back and clarify.
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Rau
Guest
The OP says nothing to suggest that the woman could possibly be “ragingly angry”. If she is, he would seem not very perceptive…
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