I can't even talk to the girl I like

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curtissteven656

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I like this girl who had a boyfriend but I did not do anything to interfere in their relationship. I am respectful to them, did not tell her my feelings, and did not try to break them up. She found out that I liked her while she was going out with her boyfriend. She did not respond well to this news and we stopped being friends. They soon broke up and we are still not friends. We see each other often and do not talk to each other regularly. She told me that she avoids me and is mean to me on purpose to help me get over her. She doesn’t want to be friends because she is afraid that I will continue to like her more. It is a troubling situation for both of us because she feels that she has to a bad person to force me to move on. I don’t know if I am being stubborn for still liking her and I don’t know why my feelings can’t seem to fade. A part of me is sad that I never got a chance to pursue her. I feel like I did the right thing in not going after her while she had a boyfriend but now I can’t even talk to her when she is single.
 
There is no reason to believe she ever wanted you to pursue her or that you would be in a different place if the other fellow had been out of the picture. On that account, stop thinking that you suffered any harm by doing the decent thing. That is not likely. You should thank yourself for not selling out your morals. You did the right thing.

It does not sound as if you merely like her. That would not be a problem. It sounds as if you want her, and by your actions you don’t care much that she does not welcome the prospect of having you attain her. Does it make her a bad person that she cannot get it through your head that romance requires a mutual attraction? I hope she is not really mean to you, but it is your desire to pursue her after finding she does not want your pursuit that has ruined your friendship, not her need to put distance in because you won’t take “no” for an answer. Meanwhile, the person who would be happy to have your attentions is being ignored. Wouldn’t you rather pursue the one who wants you to pursue her? You’re not going to find her until you stop obsessing over the one who doesn’t want romance from you, just friendship.

How do you get over this feeling? You get over it by seeing your feelings as a self-centered desire that has nothing to do with looking out for the hopes and dreams of the person you want. The way out of this troubling situation is to really respect her wishes, and to decide to give her the freedom to choose you for a friend and not as a romantic interest.

No “what ifs” are needed. The question is only whether you are willing to take the friendship she is offering instead of ruining that opportunity by asking for what she does not feel moved to give you.

You deserve someone who* appreciates* your interest! Look for her, and let this other one just be among your friends. That’s a win-win for everyone.
 
Doesn’t sound like much of a friendship either. She says she’s mean to you on purpose? That seems ridiculous. I think you’d be better just not seeing her at all anymore. Out of sight, out of mind, hopefully.
 
Doesn’t sound like much of a friendship either. She says she’s mean to you on purpose? That seems ridiculous. I think you’d be better just not seeing her at all anymore. Out of sight, out of mind, hopefully.
 
curtissteven656 said:
I like this girl who had a boyfriend but I did not do anything to interfere in their relationship. I am respectful to them, did not tell her my feelings, and did not try to break them up. She found out that I liked her while she was going out with her boyfriend. She did not respond well to this news and we stopped being friends. They soon broke up and we are still not friends. We see each other often and do not talk to each other regularly. She told me that she avoids me and is mean to me on purpose to help me get over her. She doesn’t want to be friends because she is afraid that I will continue to like her more. It is a troubling situation for both of us because she feels that she has to a bad person to force me to move on. I don’t know if I am being stubborn for still liking her and I don’t know why my feelings can’t seem to fade. A part of me is sad that I never got a chance to pursue her. I feel like I did the right thing in not going after her while she had a boyfriend but now I can’t even talk to her when she is single.
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It sounds like you should just give up on her. That sounds painful but I have gone through something similar to what you are going through. If she isn’t interested in you then it would just be best to move on. She will stop being mean to you if you move on and then it will allow for your friendship to possible be restored.
 
She sounds arrogant and conceited. Stop paying attention to her. She is not worthy of your attention. She is not a nice person.
 
Welcome to CAF, Curtis! 👋

I concur with EasterJoy. There’s nothing productive to be gained from the “what if” game. The fact that she is still putting you off even now that she is single strongly suggests that things would not have been different had you pursued her before/during the time she had a boyfriend.

It can be hard to turn off these feelings in an instant when you are in the throes of a crush. But do not let them rule your thoughts and behavior. She knows you are interested and is being quite clear that she does not reciprocate. It’s time to let go and move on. You need to respect her wishes.

Not talking to her is probably a good thing. It’s a lot easier to put distance between you and these feelings if there is also an actual distance between you and her.
 
Someone has informed you that they don’t like you and don’t want to communicate with you save for being rude to you?

Have your time of frustration, gather yourself, and move forward.

If this website is still around and this thread is in archives in 5 years, come back and read your post for a good laugh.

You will laugh.
 
This girl does not want to encourage you into thinking there is a possibility she will date you. Do not let this become an obsession, it will only make you unhappy. Concentrate on other things…like school subjects. Pray. Go to Mass. Go to social places where she won’t be. Make a new circle of friends. Do not give in to feelings that bring you down. God have given each of us the ability to cope. Choose to rise above this. Some things you just have to let go and leave them in the past. This is a lesson for you to learn how to handle disappointment. But just think…there are real blessings ahead for you. I understand, and I do feel sorry this has happened to you. Will keep you in my prayers, that you will find peace. May you feel God’s presence through this.
 
curtissteven656 -

I’m assuming you are young. High School or College age. Over the years, I have learned that for lots of men (myself included), it’s very hard to be close friends with a girl/woman without eventually developing romantic feelings for the woman. Sometimes, if girl/woman becomes your best friend, you may fall in love with her without realizing it.

We become close friends with people we share things with. Values, ideas, experiences, emotions, etc. When we marry, our best friend is our spouse (if it’s a strong marrage).

I started falling for a few female friends in college several times. I always found it easy to talk with women. Most of time, it was just me realizing I was starting to have feelings, so I began to distance myself. But the first time (Freshman year), she was my best friend. We had gone to high school together and now were attending the same college. I was actually deeply in love with her. I didn’t even realize it at first. She had a boyfriend and I respected that. However, when she broke up with him and started talking (not dating) to another guy, I became very jealous. I didn’t have the strength to tell her how I felt. But I did talk to her friend’s (the guy she was talking to) roommate. Well, I didn’t know that he had an agenda… I thought he was my friend. He used and twisted info he got from me to convince his roommate not to talk with her anymore. She liked him has a friend. I ruined that friendship. When she realized that I had betrayed her trust (even stupidly), she never forgave me. I tried to win her back, she even told me that she shared my feelings. But she felt she could never trust me again. She will always have a small piece of my heart (it’s been 18 years).

My point – respect her wishes and do not do anything stupid. If she shares your feelings, she might not have admitted it to herself yet. She might be scared. It might takes some time (could be months or years). If she shares your feelings, the distance may help her realize it.

However, its also very possible that she might not share your feelings. In that case, respect her. If you show her you love her by respecting her, then who knows what the future my bring. But no matter what happens, you will grow from this experience.

Good luck and God Bless.
 
Serap said:
She sounds arrogant and conceited. Stop paying attention to her. She is not worthy of your attention. She is not a nice person.
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I would not leap to that conclusion. She may be a very frustrated person who has the confused idea that it is somehow cruel to be blunt with a friend or to actively avoid someone who will not take more polite forms of “no” for an answer. If she were not a nice person, after all, she would not be concerned about whether or not he found her cruel or not. She’d only be interested in getting him to cut it out.

For instance, if someone invites himself to accompany you and after you have given clues that he is not welcome so that he can gracefully withdraw his bid for your time, it is not rude to let him know more frankly that you did not invite him and do not intend to invite him. It is unfortunate to have to do that, it is a violation of good manners when someone forces you to do it, but it is not the person who is forced to defend her boundaries from someone who would otherwise use her desire to avoid unpleasantness to force his company on her who has abandoned good manners. It is the person who will not take more subtle clues that his proposal is being turned down who is at fault for this unpleasant scene.

If you tell someone that you are not interested in a romance and he keeps pressing the issue, it is not rude to move from low-key expressions of reluctance about stepping up the friendship to a stronger demurral to a firm and unmistakable refusal to a blunt and unequivocal rejection. It feels cruel to be so blunt about rejecting someone, but at some point the overly persistent suitor doesn’t leave much choice, does he? What he has done by forcing you into communication that feels cruel is to actively erode the friendship, because he is not respecting your wishes. The breakdown in the relationship is on his head, not on yours.
 
OP, do not be too hard on yourself about this. The first time this kind of thing hits you, it can really blindside you. After all, when you are great friends with someone who is so attractive and she is great friends with you, of course you imagine what a great couple you would make. There is nothing wrong with that. It also takes a bit of practice to preserve a friendship when you and your friend make the unfortunate discovery that there is a one-sided romantic interest going on. It is hard to accept, both for the object and the source of the unreciprocated romance.

I think the way to handle this is to say, “Sarah, I’m sorry if I’ve made this hard on you. I’m new at having feelings like this for someone I can’t have, but it is a fact of life. You are an attractive person, and this won’t be the first time someone will fall for you and you don’t fall for them in return. Still, it can’t be helped. What you don’t feel, you don’t feel. You’re still a great friend. I am willing to learn to cope with it, if you are. After all, if I ever get married and fall for some friend, I’m going to have to learn to get over that, too. If I don’t learn to be the master of this kind of a feeling, I could be in for a miserable life. I’m willing to work through it, if you are. Having you as a friend instead as a girlfriend isn’t chopped liver, after all! Who knows, maybe I’ll marry one of your friends some day, someone we haven’t even met yet. Stranger things have happened!”

She may go for that. If she would like you to just give her a considerable amount of space for awhile, though, do that. She may be still getting her mind wrapped around her friend seeing her in “that way”, so give her whatever room she needs. There are other friends for you to make in the meantime, including the one who will want to be your girlfriend! 👍
 
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