I Can't Find A Parish That Works For Me And My Family ; Can Anyone Relate?

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Hello. I am a Catholic that reverted back to the faith about 3 years ago. Due to us moving a few times for school, we have been unable to truly stick with a parish that works for me and my family. The main issue is that we have two boys ages 6 and 3, and they are legitimately hyperactive. Any attempts to have them sit through a mass fail miserably, and end up being a terrible distraction for everyone around us within ten minutes of us sitting down. My oldest has anxiety issues, and when he’s anxious there’s really no consoling him except for removing him from the situation. The younger one follows the oldest one’s lead, and that just compounds the situation. There aren’t many parishes at all that offer childcare, and the ones that do are too far to commute to regularly. The oldest, of course, is old enough for CLOTW, but that would require him to join us in mass which he is phobic of for some reason. I live in the milwaukee area, and I’m pretty much done searching at this point. Can anyone relate? Any advice from anyone? Thanks!
 
Dont really know what to suggest for a parish. But I will send prayers your way. Hopefully you are receiving services for the children.
 
Can you and your spouse attend Mass separately, and wait until the boys are older and have more skills that enable them to adapt before attempting to bring them to Mass?

I assume that the boys are receiving help from clinicians and from their schools, which means that they will learn ways to adapt to life in the real world. I have nephews who are autistic, and they are able to adjust to most situations without getting upset.

So things will get better as the boys mature. In the meantime, you go to Mass at one time and your wife goes at another time, and leave your boys safely in their home under the care of their parent. Do you really want to leave the boys with strangers at this point in their lives?

I think no matter what church you attend, including Protestant churches, you will not find a church that will accept a 6-year-old into child care/nursery. Most churches end child-care/nursery eligibility at age 3.

Many Protestant churches offer “children’s church,” or some type of children’s activity time that will incorporate Bible time, singing, active time, etc… I have not seen this in Catholic churches (we’ve been Catholic since 2004). I’ve seen very young children dismissed before the homily to hear the Gospel at their level, and then they come back a few minutes later during the Liturgy of the Eucharist, so it’s not really “child-care,” but part of their religious education.

The other strategy that you could try is bringing your boys to Mass for just “Five Minutes,” and then leaving while one spouse remains. Do just “Five Minutes” for several Sundays, and then add “Five More Minutes” for several Sundays. Keep doing this until the boys are able to remain in Mass with no or few meltdowns for the entire Mass.

We did this with our children who didn’t have any health issues, and it worked well.

Finally, you could look for a Mass in a Catholic hospital. These Masses are usually very, very short (around 10 minutes total in our Catholic hospital!) because of the need of the employees to get back to work quickly! The shortness does not detract from the virtues of the priest who says the Mass or the people who attend! Your boys might enjoy this atmosphere! I know several non-hospital employees who attend Mass at the Catholic hospital because of their Sunday jobs! Try it!
 
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Yes, I experienced similar. In the nearest Church, the Mass tends to be long because the choir wants to sing as much as possible (and my feeling is mostly to perform rather than guide the participants given solo renditions), the priests give long, rambling homilies, and additional activities are sometimes inserted.

But in a chapel hospital a few miles away, the Mass is fairly straightforward, with the choir using songs that participants can follow, the 5-minute homily well-developed and organized, and almost no additional activities.
 
Every single one of us has a home parish based on where we live. We can attend Mass anywhere, but, only one is canonically ours.

Determine what is your home parish.

Every boy I’ve ever met is hyperactive at age 6 and every 3 year old is going to follow the lead of their brother. Every parent in that church has been there, done that.

At age 6, your son will this fall begin his preparation (in most US Parishes it is 2 years long) for First Communion. This is the very most important reason to get established at your home parish.

The Catechists who do FHC prep have a heart for squirmy, talkative, bouncy, anxious kids.

The best news is, every time the go to Mass they learn a little bit more. When parents stay calm, kids read that.

Parents here will have great advice, I suggest meeting with the Faith Formation/Rel Ed director now to talk about Sacramental Prep this fall.

Start at home with 5 minutes of quiet time in the evening. No TV, no screens for anyone, everyone is together and they are free to read a book, draw a picture, for 5 minutes. Simply no chatting or making noise. Mom and dad both set the example and read a book or pray a silent decade of the rosary or just sit and be quiet.

Each week, extend it by one minute.

Every parish tends to sing the same hymns over the weeks. Learn the hymns, sing them at home, learn the prayer responses. You can find your parish’s mass settings on line so they learn the tune of the Sanctus or the Gloria.

These are things that the boys can do during Mass - sing out and say the responses - that break it up into not an hour of “sit still and don’t move!” to “sit still for a few minutes, then we get to sing/stand/pray”. Mass keeps us moving!

Mass is made up of little bits of quiet then we get to move and do something else.

Watching the altar servers is also a cool thing because after FHC your oldest can BE a server!

Sit up front where they can see all of the action on the Altar.

Reward good Mass with a donut or ice cream.

Remember, your boys are being boys. If they need to go out in the lobby/gathering space and do 10 pushups/jumping jacks then go back in, let them burn off some energy that way.
 
@Hoosier-Daddy, thank you for your prayers! Can never have enough prayers.

@Peeps, thank you so much for your ideas! We will be trying the “Five Minutes” idea and possibly the Hospital Mass Idea! It’s great to know that others have been through a similar struggle. Like you said, maybe it’s just a matter of time. It is a bit frustrating, however, when you see other families with children of similar age that are sitting quietly through mass and ours won’t sit through even 2 minutes. But, it’s never good to compare, so I try to never do that. Anyway, I’m rambling. Thanks for your response!
 
The hospital is nice for daily Mass.

In my Diocese, hospital chapels are forbidden to celebrate Mass on Sunday because these were becoming quasi-parishes.
 
@TheLittleLady, Thank you so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut and your suggestions! It is true; we are certainly not the only parents going through this challenge. It can feel like that when you see other families with 4 children around the same age as ours and they’re all sitting there quietly and behaved. HAHAHAHA! That being said, who knows how long it took them to arrive at that point with their children. I thought about “bribing” them like you mentioned, though my thought was to suggest going for a toy after mass. Now that I think about it, that would get pretty expensive really quick! 😅😅 I will try the donut thing instead. 🤣 I feel a little silly because now that I have received your guys’ helpful responses I realize we haven’t worked at it nearly enough and we have just expected them to behave without working at it with them. 😳😳 Despite all that, I am feeling encouraged now because I feel hopeful that we can actually get to that point of being able to go to mass with our boys eventually. Thanks again Little Lady for your insights and your practical suggestions!
 
@ralfyman, thank you for your reply! Glad to hear you can relate. Yours is the second response that mentions checking out the hospital mass. Something to definitely consider! One of the best things about all of this is to be able to relate to others who have gone through this phase. Thanks again!
 
My oldest has sensory processing disorder, and it is very difficult for him to be at Mass. It’s all very overwhelming for him. We try to go Saturday afternoons when it is less crowded, and we sit in the crying room in case he has a meltdown. I understand what you mean about no way to console except removing him from the situation- that is what I’ve had to do many times.

My husband can’t come to Mass with us sometimes if he has to work. On those occasions, sometimes I just cannot make it to Mass with him and the baby. I have discussed this with our priest. Other times, I go by myself when my husband can be home with the kids. When we do attempt to all go, sometimes it’s okay and other times it’s a disaster.

We’re doing our best, and working with the situation we have. If you can find a church with a crying room, that can be a big help knowing that you’re in a separate area. Otherwise, you could go to Mass at separate times and just keep trying every now and then. I find it very isolating because it doesn’t seem like any of the other families at Mass are dealing with something like this and I have gotten dirty looks and rude comments. It makes me want to avoid sometimes, but I know that God knows we are trying and that it’s important to keep on trying.
 

Nancy, the woman who started this ministry, has patterns for making a Mass quiet book for children. This is a book that has a number of interactive activities that children can do to help them learn about the Mass while minimizing the boredom that is common at Mass. There are patterns for both fabric and paper versions.
 
Been there; still pretty much there…

You are going to have to use a variety of strategies and usually multiple ones at the same time.
  1. offer a small piece of candy before mass for each child who behaves during mass
  2. confirm with children that they will behave during mass on the way to church. "If you want to go to [special place] after church you both have to sit with me and mom quietly. This can be grandma’s or just say youll take them to a playground until they are ready to go home(as long as they want). No sitting still in mass no playground(you have to mean it).
  3. Allow them to move and squirm but noise and jumping, climbing and sudden movements are a no no.
  4. sit in between them and generally do not allow them to interact
  5. this is really number 1; bring books for the big one, especially coloring/activity books, and toys that will not ‘bang’ or clink if it hits the pew for the little one
  6. Go really early, like 8 or 830 mass(when at least one of them is still sleepy) or go much later 11, but be sure to get them outside a lot in the morning so they are ready for nap/quiet time. Try Saturday vigil in the routine too if you think it will work
  7. If you figure out a strategy for one being quiet and the other is sill a live wire try that for a while (one jumpy kid is better than two) especially if the 3 yo is the sleepy one. my older kids usually understand when I explain they need to be quiet.
  8. You can quietly read to them in their ear, though try to only do that with the younger one.
  9. Dont worry if you or your spouse have to take one outside for a while, they usually want to get back to abook or see what is going on inside and will promise to be good.
  10. Be consistent. Consistently return, consistently give rewards (playground) when they behave, etc
  11. Be patient. It will be months before you think back and realize you have made improvements.
 
If it is affordable for your family, a Magnifikid! subscription for the older child.

https://us.magnificat.net/home/magnifikid

Before Mass, you can go through the readings “now, listen closely today, we are going to hear about a time when Jesus did something that we cannot do. The priest/deacon is going to tell us about Jesus walking on water! Actually stepping on the sea and not even falling in!” Find one thing, even if it is about loving your neighbors, that the kids can listen for.

The activities like coloring page, etc tie to the readings.

There are other free resources online

 
Yes, we can relate as well. We’ve struggled at my wife and kids’ parish for some time now. Looks like we’re moving out to the country where my wife’s home parish growing up will now be her home parish again. We didn’t have the best luck there, but better than in town… She mentioned to me yesterday that the belief is the country parish will close by end of 2019, basically forcing her and the kids back to town…and thus putting us back in the same predicament.
 
This is the best advice I’ve seen on CAF for parents bring children to church. Teaching them to behave, what a concept!
 
Clementine14 said:
My oldest has sensory processing disorder, and it is very difficult for him to be at Mass. It’s all very overwhelming for him.
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I recently saw a 8-10 year old girl at Mass with a set of headphones on. As far as I could see it wasn’t connected to anything and I assumed she wore them because of a sensory processing disorder. If it helps mute the sounds to make them less overwhelming I think it would be worth a try.
 
Interestingly enough, I’ve seen much of this advice torn apart on here as well: Specifically number 5, and the other “bribing”.
 
Bribery works.

They bribe me to go to the office every day, it is called a paycheck and benis 🙂
 
Most often by parents who choose not to teach their children to behave in church. They instead want everyone else to “understand” their children are “special” and should be allowed to do whatever they want in church. All children can be taught how to behave in appropriately in just about any circumstance, the parents just have to be willing to do the work. From what I can observe in real life, many aren’t.
 
Horton said:
I recently saw a 8-10 year old girl at Mass with a set of headphones on. As far as I could see it wasn’t connected to anything and I assumed she wore them because of a sensory processing disorder. If it helps mute the sounds to make them less overwhelming I think it would be worth a try.
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Unfortunately they don’t work for our son- he’s as bothered by the tight feel of the headphones as he is by the sounds at Mass. He does often cope by covering his ears- but then people think we’re letting him be rude. Can’t win.
 
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