I can't forgive my cousin

[former_Catholic]

Right now I’m trying to deal with the fact that my mother decided that she wants my sister and I to attend the wedding. I made it clear more than once that it wasn’t happening, but she keeps saying that *I *have a problem because I hold grudges, and that I shouldn’t make Ben’s family suffer (by missing the wedding) just because of what he did to my sister and I.

Tell them you’ll be delighted to attend the wedding and that you and your sister are planning on wearing dresses sporting matching “Ben sexually molested me when I was 4(6)!” flowered embroidery that you’re sewing up just for this very special occasion.

 

[mrpathetic]

Tell them you’ll be delighted to attend the wedding and that you and your sister are planning on wearing dresses sporting matching “Ben sexually molested me when I was 4(6)!” flowered embroidery that you’re sewing up just for this very special occasion.

Well, that might be in poor taste. Plus, it would be a lot of sewing, and would probably ruin a perfectly good dress.

A more pragmatic approach would be this: to object to the marriage during the ceremony.

I presume that the priest or deacon will give the standard answer “If anyone objects to these two being bound in holy matrimony…” If I were in your position, it is then that I would object.

p.s., I would tell everyone in advance - especially those who are actually planning to marry. Maybe that would be the last step, to put an end to this farce. Then you wouldn’t have to go through this - and they would be spared this public embarrassment.

p.s., have you rented and watched the “Atonement” film, as I advised you previously? Watch the end scene, where the woman refuses to object to the wedding of the molester.

 

[GraceDK]

Hey Norseman, yes I am ok, thanks for asking.

I haven’t heard anything from Ben or his fiancée yet, and his sisters have been asking my sister and I if we had already found our dresses for the wedding, so they probably haven’t told anyone that I talked to the priest.

Right now I’m trying to deal with the fact that my mother decided that she wants my sister and I to attend the wedding. I made it clear more than once that it wasn’t happening, but she keeps saying that *I *have a problem because I hold grudges, and that I shouldn’t make Ben’s family suffer (by missing the wedding) just because of what he did to my sister and I.

I’m trying to spend as much time as possible out of the house because of this situation.

I can’t believe how your parents react. How sick is this! Have people lost their minds!
It seems they have belittled this crime from the beginning.
You must feel so alone. Try speaking to your priest again. I start to worry… does he understand the seriousness of the situation, or is everyone in your life missing the gravity of the matter?
Also, you should tell your mother straight up that you are not going to attend the wedding. Tell her that you have finally admitted to yourself what has happend and that you are shocked at their lack of support and that they never did anything to prevent Ben from striking again…
(personally I’d come after a person with a sword if I knew he had molested my little girls) …

 

[former_Catholic]

My husband thinks in all honesty it should read “raped” not “sexually molested.”

It is clear that your mother is still behaving like a sexually molested pre-schooler herself. She is, you know, and you might consider pointing it out that the game is up because you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she herself was a sexually molested pre-schooler once upon a time, or she wouldn’t still be behaving like one. It is more than obvious. Whether she remembers or not, whether she admits it or not, whether she rants and raves and denies it from here to the ends of the earth, it is more than obvious that she herself was also sexually molested as a child. It is the only explanation for her total inability to behave like an adult and responsible mother when you yourself were molested, and for her total inability to behave like an adult and responsible mother now… rather than a hopeless pre-schooler herself once told to keep silence, still keeping silence, and insisting others do the same.

Ben’s family isn’t going to “suffer” if you are not at the wedding. Ben will breathe a sigh of relief if you’re not at the wedding, because he knows darn well that you could just as well raise your glass:
“To the bride! And her groom who RAPED ME WHEN I WAS 4 YEARS OLD, congratulations on your wedding and the fact you’ve so far managed to stay out of jail!”
Ben will breathe a sigh of relief that you’re not at the wedding.

The one who would “suffer” by your not being at the wedding is your mother possibly having to come up with some lame excuse for why you and your sister aren’t there, possibly to those very same relatives who didn’t protect *her *as a child, and whom she has protected all her life.

Tell your mother she can rant and rave and fuss and deny it to the ends of the earth, but this game is OVER. Whether she ever chooses to consciously remember or admit the truth to you or not, you know the truth, because she has shown you the truth of her own sexual molestation as a child BY HER OWN ACTIONS.

 

[Primox]

A more pragmatic approach would be this: to object to the marriage during the ceremony.

I presume that the priest or deacon will give the standard answer “If anyone objects to these two being bound in holy matrimony…” If I were in your position, it is then that I would object.

p.s., I would tell everyone in advance - especially those who are actually planning to marry. Maybe that would be the last step, to put an end to this farce. Then you wouldn’t have to go through this - and they would be spared this public embarrassment.

Isn’t that overkill? The fiancée already knows about these happenings, as does the priest. This isn’t a movie where, in the heat of climax, the celebrants gasp at the hitherto unknown acts of the twisted, deceitful Ben.

(personally I’d come after a person with a sword if I knew he had molested my little girls) …

This isn’t good food for thought.

My goodness… there are better ways to deal with problems than enacting movie roles and fueling hate-filled passions. The situation is sufficiently awful and confusing as it is without the added elements of fantasy and rage.

 

[TeresaAnn]

You’re Mother can not know the damage she is doing to you and your sister. It is bigger than you and she may realize right now.

Here’s where I’m coming from, it is personal but because I care I’m going to put it out there.

I was at my therapist’s office today and had a break through concerning my own childhood abuse. In my case, I told my parents and they believed me, no questions asked. I was a very shy child so my parents didn’t think a trial would be good for me. As I said earlier in the thread, my Dad took the guy to his family Doc and told the Doc that he was his responsibility. My Mom had a short chat with me telling me that it wasn’t my fault, it was wrong and I would never see him again. In my mind, that’s what mattered, that I didn’t have to see him ever again. So, that was it. Nothing was ever said about it again. I went through my life up until now thinking that it didn’t affect me.

Here’s the problem. It did affect me and I now see it caused me a thread of damage that influenced my life in a profound way. It just starts as an unconscious feeling of being a bit dirty because those things happened to you. Which turns into a low self esteem in the view of your body, it affects your standards in how you let people treat you, how you value your virginity and in my case your self worth.

You can live like a perfectly normal teenager in most areas of your life but if you have a low self worth, you just don’t care, you are very vulnerable and there are people who prey on people like that. I’m sure you can think of instances that can happen as life goes on this way.

I am extra concerned because you don’t even have your parents telling you this is wrong and sticking up for you. Your parents are your bottom line. If you can’t count on them who can you count on?

You need to find some validation of how WRONG this is and that it is not a small deal and you are going to have to find it somewhere else. Even in my case because it was dealt with in such a quick manner and then never spoke of again, I don’t think I got the proper closure. It probably would have been better if I went to trial and saw a judge and lawyers and other people tell this person it was wrong, what happened to me was wrong. I should have seen a therapist as well.

Have you seen your therapist yet? It may be a painful way to go but you may have to consider taking this guy to court. Just think through various happenings in your life and think whether it could have affected you. Talk to your sister as well, she needs the same resolution.

About Mom, yes, maybe show her this thread. If she is in complete denial, you have to fight for you and your sister. Just don’t go, stand your ground. Imagine yourself at the wedding. How would you feel? I wouldn’t trust my feelings to stay inside me, which would cause a scene. I would also feel that by being at the wedding that I am supporting it. That would make me ill.

I’m still praying for you and your sister, God Bless,
Teresa

 

[adstrinity]

I hope you are still coming to these forums. I hope you read this. Forgive me as I haven’t read all the other replies

Not forgiving your cousin is corrosive to you. It will eat you up and ultimately, be your undoing. PLEASE, do not get defensive at me at this point. You really need to forgive your cousin for what he did to you, your sister, and God knows who else. Please, please pray for the grace of healing, and to forgive. Jesus forgave all of us who killed Him; your cousin is still one of God’s children whom God loves very much and would like to be in Heaven with Him. I will pray for you that you will forgive your cousin…and your parents…and your aunt and uncle…and yourself.

Now, as to the next point: his fiance needs to know. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW!!! Whether you meet up with her to let her know or you do decide to go to the wedding and speak up at the, “Should anybody know any just reason why these two should not marry…”, though, I think that’s typically reserved for people who are still married or something. THE FIANCE NEEDS TO KNOW!!! This man knew what he was doing was wrong when he was 15, you crying should have inclined the cousin to know you weren’t enjoying it at the very least. For him to do it to your sister, as he was an adult, and she didn’t like it either, shows that he did not change, he did not stop, and compounded the situation by probably getting better at keeping his victims under his control as he got older.

He is an adult who wants to diddle with little children. That is not right in any way. If he has children, you can bet he will do it to them. These people, as much as I would like to belive they can reform, do not change. There are laws to protect children from these people, there are laws that make sure neighbourhoods know who these people are. You MUST tell the Fiance. That this man not only molested children (and we don’t know how many), when he knew that he was doing wrong, and then, AND THEN, threatened them is something his future wife needs to know.

Please, find it in Jesus to forgive your cousin, because if you don’t, there is a very special place in Hell for the molesters.

 

[GraceDK]

This isn’t good food for thought.

My goodness… there are better ways to deal with problems than enacting movie roles and fueling hate-filled passions. The situation is sufficiently awful and confusing as it is without the added elements of fantasy and rage.

Well, at least I think its a more healthy thought then the one that tolerates that his children have been molested without any kind of consequence.
However, I may soothe your worry. I would not do it… take the sword I mean. I would fantasize about it somewhat, but I’d let the state deal with punishment. If the state did not, then I’d be seriously tempted to take matters into own hands.
Anyways, thats off topic.

 

[flyingfish]

My husband thinks in all honesty it should read “raped” not “sexually molested.”

It is clear that your mother is still behaving like a sexually molested pre-schooler herself. She is, you know, and you might consider pointing it out that the game is up because you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she herself was a sexually molested pre-schooler once upon a time, or she wouldn’t still be behaving like one. It is more than obvious. Whether she remembers or not, whether she admits it or not, whether she rants and raves and denies it from here to the ends of the earth, it is more than obvious that she herself was also sexually molested as a child. It is the only explanation for her total inability to behave like an adult and responsible mother when you yourself were molested, and for her total inability to behave like an adult and responsible mother now… rather than a hopeless pre-schooler herself once told to keep silence, still keeping silence, and insisting others do the same.

Ben’s family isn’t going to “suffer” if you are not at the wedding. Ben will breathe a sigh of relief if you’re not at the wedding, because he knows darn well that you could just as well raise your glass:
“To the bride! And her groom who RAPED ME WHEN I WAS 4 YEARS OLD, congratulations on your wedding and the fact you’ve so far managed to stay out of jail!”
Ben will breathe a sigh of relief that you’re not at the wedding.

The one who would “suffer” by your not being at the wedding is your mother possibly having to come up with some lame excuse for why you and your sister aren’t there, possibly to those very same relatives who didn’t protect *her *as a child, and whom she has protected all her life.

Tell your mother she can rant and rave and fuss and deny it to the ends of the earth, but this game is OVER. Whether she ever chooses to consciously remember or admit the truth to you or not, you know the truth, because she has shown you the truth of her own sexual molestation as a child BY HER OWN ACTIONS.

I have thought about this too. Though it seems more likely that the OP’s father is the one who was molested. Ben is related to the OP through the father’s side, right? What is the likelihood that Ben himself was molested? Maybe the same person that molested Ben also molested the OP’s father?

The OP’s father seems to be freaking out about the possibility of all this coming out. Maybe he is ashamed about what happened to him as well, and is reacting like its not a big deal cause he’s used to this kind of thing happening.

 

[rayne89]

Everyone seems shocked at the way the family is dealing with this but this is the way every single person’s family who I know who was sexually molested reacted. And unfortunately I know several people who were molested as children. They want it to go away, they don’t want to have to deal with it and they don’t want anyone to know. Its also very possible they don’t want to admit that they are at fault here because they basically allowed the younger daughter to molested by exposing her to a young man who they knew had already assaulted one of their children. I don’t necessarily think these parents were molested as children themselves because this is the reaction that my friends’ who were molested got.

Its awful, its very hard to understand and it just re-victimizes the child who was molested all over again. These girls need help from someone outside the family or a clear headed family member who can give them support because these parents refuse to deal with the reality of the situation. The holding a grudge comment just proves the mother is not dealing with the reality of it. She just accused her daughter of holding a grudge for being raped which is insanity.

 

[former_Catholic]

Well, at least I think its a more healthy thought then the one that tolerates that his children have been molested without any kind of consequence.
However, I may soothe your worry. I would not do it… take the sword I mean. I would fantasize about it somewhat, but I’d let the state deal with punishment. If the state did not, then I’d be seriously tempted to take matters into own hands.
Anyways, thats off topic.

In your defense, you need to know that once upon a time on the far side of town a woman married a man and had a son, and divorced the man when he became a hopeless alcoholic because she could see there was no other way to give her son a decent life.

She remarried and built a healthy happy family with children, but her eldest son was a quiet loner, mostly distant from everyone. They all tried, but somehow they couldn’t seem to undo the damage done to him by a raging alcoholic father when he was a child. He got a job, moved out, got married, had a daughter, got into alcohol…
and when his mother stopped by unexpectedly one afternoon, she found the handgun and the drug paraphenalia on the kitchen table and him sexually abusing his daughter in the living room while his wife was at work and she screamed at him and shoved him with all her strength (and God gave it to her) and she grabbed the child and ran to the kitchen and plunked her granddaughter on a chair and grabbed the gun off the table and shaking like a leaf, she leveled it at her son and called the police, all the while screaming at him that it didn’t matter that he was her son…if he took one step toward that baby she would damn well shoot him down, just like she would shoot down any other dangerous wild animal attacking a child.

When the police got there, they called that an appropriate response.
He went to jail, his own mother had him put away. She also had her daughter-in-law divorce her son and all his parental rights revoked except for his duty to pay child support.
The judge ruled that was the most appropriate response.

Just thought you’d like to know.

 

[sanctamaria17]

If that was my baby/grandbaby, I’d have no qualms about doing the same thing.

And “situational” is semantics. You could have “situational” murderers. Doesn’t matter to me. You already killed someone, I’m not leaving you alone with my kids. Same for child abuse. Especially if it happened again. As for “don’t judge, forgive”, easy if no one’s ever done that to you. If no one ever made you frightened. If you sought justice and only found betrayal. Easy if no one left a mark on your soul. Easy if you don’t have to spend nights with God saying, “I want to but I don’t know how!” and confessing it multiple times to your priest…No one is saying forgiveness is impossible, but she’s not there yet. Many of us aren’t. And we do believe that any innocent parties should be warned…If it’s happened twice, it could easily happen again.

Nicolle, I’m sorry your parents aren’t supportive I’ll be praying. And you have no obligation to attend their wedding. Suffering? What’s the absence of a wedding guest compared to the violation of children?

 

[Cathhsmom]

Hey Norseman, yes I am ok, thanks for asking.

I haven’t heard anything from Ben or his fiancée yet, and his sisters have been asking my sister and I if we had already found our dresses for the wedding, so they probably haven’t told anyone that I talked to the priest.

Right now I’m trying to deal with the fact that my mother decided that she wants my sister and I to attend the wedding. I made it clear more than once that it wasn’t happening, but she keeps saying that *I *have a problem because I hold grudges, and that I shouldn’t make Ben’s family suffer (by missing the wedding) just because of what he did to my sister and I.

I’m trying to spend as much time as possible out of the house because of this situation.

I would call the priest today and tell him about your mother. Maybe if he talks to her, she will back off about you guys going. The priest knows about what happened and has shown support for you and your decisions. So, I think that you would get support from him for not going to this “wedding”. Sorry, have to put it in quotes because I can’t see any way were this could truely be a sacramental marriage with this being in the closet until now. But that is me being judmental. So, sue me! I have been that kid who wasn’t believed and who had the mother who thought I was being difficult because I didn’t want to be around him even 10 years later. All because it was my brother’s dad, I should suck it up and go! Puhleaze!

 

[GraceDK]

I would call the priest today and tell him about your mother. Maybe if he talks to her, she will back off about you guys going. The priest knows about what happened and has shown support for you and your decisions. So, I think that you would get support from him for not going to this “wedding”. Sorry, have to put it in quotes because I can’t see any way were this could truely be a sacramental marriage with this being in the closet until now. But that is me being judmental. So, sue me! I have been that kid who wasn’t believed and who had the mother who thought I was being difficult because I didn’t want to be around him even 10 years later. All because it was my brother’s dad, I should suck it up and go! Puhleaze!

I think its time for the OP to contact someone outside the family and friends group. Including the priest. The priest is deeply involved with the whole family. He might feel trapped in a corner and lacks the courage to take the steps that are truly necessary to bring to justice this guy.
I’d say go to the police.

 

[mrpathetic]

Isn’t that overkill? The fiancée already knows about these happenings, as does the priest. This isn’t a movie where, in the heat of climax, the celebrants gasp at the hitherto unknown acts of the twisted, deceitful Ben.

A child molester is about to marry. He will presumably have children. Once they are old enough, he can molest them. Then the whole cycle of molestation will begin, in another generation.

Honestly, I don’t know what would consist of overkill in this situation. If I were involved in this, I would do whatever it took, to stop this marriage.

And I think that the OP could learn something from this movie. The girl who did not object to the wedding - well, she went on to lead a life of regret.

 

[Norseman82]

Nicole,

I still encourage you to talk to the authorities. You do NOT need your parents’ permission for this. You do NOT need to inform them first. They lost that right when they let “Ben” back into the house and he abused your sister even though they know he abused you. Since your sister is still under 18 (please correct me if I am wrong), the authorities will most likely take it a lot more seriously than what you have encounterred so far. Additionally, it wlll serve as extra “ammunition” for you should your parents continue to harass you into going to the wedding.

I am going to repeat this point: when your parents let “Ben” back into the house and he abused your sister after they knew what “Ben” did to you, they lost a lot of rights over you, while ceding none of their responsibilities.

Abuse forces young people into adult responsibilites before they are adults. You have been thrust into the position of the adult in this situation. I can someewhat relate, as I had to deal with familial alcoholism when I was a teen. Please do not be afraid, though; if you know your Bible and Church teaching, it can help you filter out whether or not your parents are steering you and/or your sister right or wrong. It helped me; it can help you. In the meantime, if you haven’t done so already, please surround yourself with people who take their Catholic faith seriously. It helped me; it should help you, too.

Abuse continues because the abusers and their enablers take great pains to “sweep things under the rug”; only when the charade collapses will they no longer be able to get away with it. I really wonder if the reason yor parents are acting this way is that if it becomes public, their failure to protect your sister will become public. (But please do not let that deter you from informing the authorittes - it may be the difference between “Ben” being able to abuse in the future or not, and when we get to heaven you may have a lot of souls thanking you for being the one who stopped “Ben” from abusing them).

 

[Primox]

A child molester is about to marry. He will presumably have children. Once they are old enough, he can molest them. Then the whole cycle of molestation will begin, in another generation.

Honestly, I don’t know what would consist of overkill in this situation. If I were involved in this, I would do whatever it took, to stop this marriage.

And I think that the OP could learn something from this movie. The girl who did not object to the wedding - well, she went on to lead a life of regret.

I hear you. I think it’s overkill. I find it hard to believe what happens in a movie can be a reasonable template for what should be done in reality, that’s all. Movies are made to exlicit reactions.

 

[TeresaAnn]

Hi Primox,

I’m don’t know if you know anyone has has been molested or not. It affects the victims whole life. I thought that this was only the case in some cases before, certainly not mine. I now know it has. We have to protect the children.

Teresa

 

[yellowbird]

When the police got there, they called that an appropriate response.
He went to jail, his own mother had him put away. She also had her daughter-in-law divorce her son and all his parental rights revoked except for his duty to pay child support.
The judge ruled that was the most appropriate response.

Just thought you’d like to know.

Although this is such a sad story, I am soooo proud of this mother.

 

[Primox]

We have to protect the children.

I agree.