I Can't live like this

[SPPN]

I need help and messages of hope. Excuse my bad English. Since I returned to the Church I changed a lot in my daily life. This secular world is very hard to live in. I feel myself in constant battle 24h/7 and it’s killing me. I don’t want to live my life with worries and anxiety. I try to find Mortal sin to every single thing I think, do, or say. I feel like I can’t do anything and I feel like I’m missing a lot of opportunities. I have all kinds of Anxiety, I don’t want to blame God, but since i returned going to church and believing in God, it seems worst… The worries that I might go to Hell is not helping. I can’t lie, it’s been way easier to have faith and to keep the faith when I had Protestant mentality. For some reason I truly believe that Catholic have the fulness of truth, I just wish we could be sure of our salvation… Now I feel that if I just become a Lapsed Catholic I’m doomed to hell and I will probably only have anxiety and fear when death approaches. I’m holding my tears while writing this, I’m mentally and spiritually drained, I don’t want to let the devil win. I’m young and I can’t think of doing this for another 40 years if i don’t die before…

 

[AlanFromWichita]

You are feeling this way because nobody has told you yet, that all the things about being afraid of hell, are for the beginning of the spiritual life.

This mind of flesh sounds like it has totally condemned you, and in fact you sound a lot like St. Paul in Romans 7.

Basically you are describing a person who has been thoroughly mortified, and thus I rejoice that you stand ready to life in the spirit. Being born of the spirit. You sound like you are as a gestating Christ-man (by virtue of Holy Communion transforming you) who is right now experiencing the labor pains of rebirth, at the spiritual womb that is the Body of Christ.

I suggest you read, and reread, Rom 7-8 at least. Other chapters are good, but get those, then move back to 5 and 6.

Especially I wish you to take this to heart, and consider yourself in the process of being born of the spirit:

Rom 8
1 Hence, now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
2 For the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has freed you from the law of sin and death.
3 For what the law, weakened by the flesh, was powerless to do, this God has done: by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for the sake of sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,
4 so that the righteous decree of the law might be fulfilled in us, who live not according to the flesh but according to the spirit.
5 For those who live according to the flesh are concerned with the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit with the things of the spirit.
6 The concern of the flesh is death, but the concern of the spirit is life and peace.
7 For the concern of the flesh is hostility toward God; it does not submit to the law of God, nor can it;
8 and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
9 But you are not in the flesh; on the contrary, you are in the spirit, if only the Spirit of God dwells in you. Whoever does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.
10 But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the spirit is alive because of righteousness.

Also consider:

John 3
3 Jesus answered and said to him, “Amen, amen, I say to you, no one can see the kingdom of God without being born from above.”
4 Nicodemus said to him, “How can a person once grown old be born again? Surely he cannot reenter his mother’s womb and be born again, can he?”
5 Jesus answered, “Amen, amen, I say to you, no one can enter the kingdom of God without being born of water and Spirit.
6 What is born of flesh is flesh and what is born of spirit is spirit.
7 Do not be amazed that I told you, ‘You must be born from above.’
8 The wind blows where it wills, and you can hear the sound it makes, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes; so it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.”

This is why I know what I’m telling you. After 11 years of hell, total disability, insanity, poverty, being rejected even by my own pastor, being socially neutered if not sterilized, the Lord has gifted me with the vision required for the kingdom. Thus I know things in a way that I’ve never learned with words and often cannot describe with words. So I can’t tell you how I know these things but I “hear” them like the sounds of the winds in my heart. My heart doesn’t fail me because the law of love is written thereupon; it’s just when my head gets in the way …

I wish you peace and joy, my friend. And from what you are saying, I can definitely see there are many trajectories that could take this from where you are, to a place you will have overwhelming sense of serenity, peace, joy, and gratitude. The worse it gets, the deeper you are “loading” yourself (I’m thinking of physics, storing up potential energy) so when you rebound it will be all the higher. It’s like a trampoline in that way.

Alan

 

[SPPN]

You are feeling this way because nobody has told you yet, that all the things about being afraid of hell, are for the beginning of the spiritual life.

Thank you for that response, but I feel that my spiritual journey is not normal. I seem to be on the same step since I started for real in April. Could it be a sign of lazyness?

 

[roundcheese]

Thank you for that response, but I feel that my spiritual journey is not normal. I seem to be on the same step since I started for real in April. Could it be a sign of lazyness?

Not at all :] Your spiritual journey is quite normal. Our idea of spiritual progress tends to not be what is actually happening. Spiritual progress depends on God and our willingness to follow His Will and agree to His grace. There is no definition on small steps or large ones. Just as long as we continue following God every day (or even better, every moment of our lives), we are growing spiritually, even if we cannot perceive it.

 

[OneSheep]

I need help and messages of hope.

My prayers are with you. You are feeling insecure and desperate, and you want harmony and peace and the security that God’s love is supposed to offer.

Try this, this is what it took for me to know God’s unconditional love and forgiveness. Until I did these, I also felt insecure in God’s love:

1. Forgive everyone in the world, everyone you have ever known. Forgive all of the trespasses against you and against anyone you have ever loved or can relate to. Try to find people’s good intent.
2. Forgive yourself. Try to find your own good intentions, even though we are so lacking in knowledge and awareness. Forgive every aspect of yourself, laziness, pride, defiance, everything. Accept all these parts of yourself. Do not let them control you, but accept them and forgive them. If you have trouble doing this, get help, see your Priest, talk to people you trust, post on the forum, do whatever you can to forgive yourself.
3. Once you have done #1 and #2 above, you will know that God loves you unconditionally and will never let you go to hell.

 

[LynJohn1023]

For some reason I truly believe that Catholic have the fulness of truth, …

The reason my friend is that it does contain the Fullness of the Truth.

I’m praying for you. It is hard and was on my bride when she entered the Church. Don’t get wrapped up in the law. Get wrapped up in the Eucharist and in the community. Does your parish have CRHP or Cursillo. Go on a retreat. I recommend Ignatius House in Sandy Springs, GA (Atlanta) or any Jesuit retreat house.

Relax and take it easy on Mortal sin. You will sin. It is our nature. You will then go to Reconciliation. It is His grace. As my old pastor once told me, spend five minutes under the crucifix each day and contemplate the worth of your life. You are, from the Father’s own perspective, worth the suffering and death of His only son. Such is the superabundant and gratuitous love of which you are recipient. And, my dear friend, if you were the ONLY sinner on the face of the Earth, the Father still would hold that perspective. Such is His will and pleasure. Always remember, the hoops we have to jump through to get into Heaven (stop focusing on avoiding hell) are massive! God doesn’t make too hard terms of those who seek Him.

 

[Bill1940]

I need help and messages of hope. Excuse my bad English. Since I returned to the Church I changed a lot in my daily life. This secular world is very hard to live in. I feel myself in constant battle 24h/7 and it’s killing me. I don’t want to live my life with worries and anxiety. I try to find Mortal sin to every single thing I think, do, or say. I feel like I can’t do anything and I feel like I’m missing a lot of opportunities. I have all kinds of Anxiety,.

Dear SPPN: Pardon me for venturing an educated guess but this excerpt of your post leads me to think you are having a bout of scrupulosity. Check this website:
mission.liguori.org/newsletters/scrupanon.htm Then make an appointment with a priest, preferably your regular confessor, and discuss the problem. The world is hard to live in but if you have a personal anxiety problem, you will not escape it hiding in a cloister.

 

[kkollwitz]

Yes to scrupulosity. And even the saints spent plenty of time being frustrated by a lack of spiritual progress and feeling down, unworthy, same old sins over & over. That’s just life in a sin-wracked world.

 

[Waiting]

The devil is trying to make you give up on God. Don’t listen to him. He doesn’t have your welfare in mind. Keep saying, “Jesus I trust in You.” You’ll be fine. Keep your attention focused on the Crucifix, attend daily Mass, if possible, and picture yourself giving the devil the boot. With God as your companion, you can give your worries to Him. Let Him deal with them. You can relax.

 

[Veronica97]

SPPN, you are not alone in this boat! I’ve been a Catholic for 15 years, but I continued to hold on to the Protestant mentality of “I’m saved” for many years. I didn’t worry about mortal sin or going to confession. I thought you practically had to kill someone to go to Hell. But a year ago I watched a series of videos about Hell, and that’s when I realized I was not living right and needed to take my Catholic faith seriously. I went to confession for the first time in 7 or 8 years, and it was like a “light” turned on and I began to see many more sins and failings in my life. For the past year I’ve been going to confession regularly, reading the Scriptures, praying the Rosary, and really trying to live right before God. But I have become scrupulous, like you. I am terrified of committing mortal sin and I cannot seem to let go of my past. It’s to the point where I don’t even know what to confess or not confess anymore (especially concerning past unconfessed sins that keep popping into my mind). I’m planning on going to Confession on Saturday and just tell him, “I’ll do whatever you think I need to do and whatever you think Jesus would want me to do.” I can’t see clearly and I need guidance from a priest and I need to be OBEDIENT to it! So I guess I’m trying to say that I feel your pain b/c I too know that the Catholic Faith is Truth and I can never leave it now that I truly understand that. In my case, I believe this is happening to me for several reasons: 1) I have obsessive compulsive disorder and I have always obsessed about whatever is most important to me at the time (my health, not breaking the law, etc.) and now my religion is most important to me. 2) The devil really doesn’t like it when we change our lives and when we start praying for others and forgiving others and so he tries to upset our peace. 3.) God is allowing this to happen to me so that I may stay close to Him and that I may become perfected and more like Christ. I believe it will be lessened in due time (GOD’S own time) but first I must be obedient to my confessor.

 

[starryheart]

Praying for you.

 

[Veronica97]

This is why I know what I’m telling you. After 11 years of hell, total disability, insanity, poverty, being rejected even by my own pastor, being socially neutered if not sterilized, the Lord has gifted me with the vision required for the kingdom.

Wow, Alan! I sure hope you’ve already done your Purgatory here on Earth! You know, physical pain is very difficult and I’m not minimizing it in any way. But mental pain is “invisible” pain that can be just as excruciating!

 

[coachkfan1]

Thank you for that response, but I feel that my spiritual journey is not normal. I seem to be on the same step since I started for real in April. Could it be a sign of lazyness?

Since April? That is 4 or 5 months. Our journeys are spritual transformations that last a lifetime! The important part for now is that it sounds as if your heart is in the right place and that you want to live your life for God. That is the first step. Read about the lives of the Saints and you will see how many of them struggled for many years. Throughout the Gospels, Peter, the leader of the disciples, stumbled many times including denying Christ. He just couldn’t seem to get it right! But in the end, look what our Lord did with him. He became the first leader of the Church and his name lives forever in Scripture and in history!

Know that the Lord is patient, longsuffering, not wishing for any to perish. Keep doing the little things everyday and you see a harvest one day. We ALL mess up. (Trust me, I know). But hang in there and know that I and many others can relate to what you are going through, and even though we have never met, we care about you as a brother in Christ. God bless.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

This is why I know what I’m telling you. After 11 years of hell, total disability, insanity, poverty, being rejected even by my own pastor, being socially neutered if not sterilized, the Lord has gifted me with the vision required for the kingdom.

Wow, Alan! I sure hope you’ve already done your Purgatory here on Earth! You know, physical pain is very difficult and I’m not minimizing it in any way. But mental pain is “invisible” pain that can be just as excruciating!

Thank you so much. Actually I’m a wimp with physical pain.

But honest to God, throw anything emotional at me. The bigger the better. I live for the next time I lose my bearings, because every time I do, the Lord shows me new heights!!

On the emotional roller coaster, while others were hanging to the safety bar for fear, I think my hands didn’t work because instead they went up in the air and shouted for joy and excitement. It’s like a horror movie. Some scream, some cry, some laugh. I may do any or all of the above, depending on the situation.

And yes, I did complete my purgatory this year, and I’m still getting some spillover but the dam is essentially fixed. As a federal judge declared, my Dark Night started June 8, 2001, when Father Carr scared me so much I ran, screaming, out of the Cathedral and spit on the cornerstone as I raced to the car and to a retired pastor’s apartment. There I asked if I’d been excommunicated when Fr. Carr (rector of the Cathedral) shouted to get out and stay out!! (Fr. Carr was promoted to Msgr. Carr the next month as the Holy Spirit’s little joke for me to enjoy. )

Anyway, at Fr. Busch’s apartment I got on the middle of the floor on my knees, told the story, and asked if I’d been excomminucated. He said, “no, Father Carr can’t tell you to stay out of the Cathedral, for it is your home.” I asked forgiveness for spitting on the Cathedral and he said he could not forgive me, for I hadn’t sinned in so doing.

Three hours later I was captured, against my will and without being told who gave authority for me to lose my civil rights, or why. Note that criminals have to at least be informed why they’re being taken. It was over the weekend until I saw the person who signed the order to lock me up, who literally wouldn’t have known me from any Adam. I was trapped by financial and legal threats, so finally two days later I gave up my protests and signed myself in. I was in captivity for 10 days then. It was the most damaging 10 days of my entire life. Then on July 11, one month later, I met my first spiritual director, who started me off toward total recovery so convincingly that I left that first meeting knowing my mind would be made perfect by Him. And now, well, let’s just say there are a few wrinkles but they seem to iron themselves out as I go. “Don’t worry what to say the words will be given to you” … it’s like this I don’t even know what I’m going to type until I feel it in my fingers and see it on the screen.

Anyway it’s all better now. Lots of long stories. I should write some books.

:extrahappy:

:harp:

Here’s me clumsily practicing Hail Holy Queen Enthroned Above. so you can get a video and audio picture of me and what I do in joy for the Lord.

:heaven:

Alan