I can't seem to let go

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lovelorn322

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Hi, I’ve been reading this forum for quite some time now and would just like to finally vent this trouble I have been having in terms of my faith, love and impurity.

I am a 19 year old college student and am quite satisfied with my life and the way it is going, I have a part time job and am very happy with my grades. However, my issue with my friend, let’s just call her Jane (that is not however her real name), is tearing me up inside. Me and her met in a mutual class our senior year of high school, prior to meeting her, I had not even taken the opposite sex into account, at all really. I am a very nerdy guy, I enjoy computers and reading biographies of people that interest me, such as Steve Jobs and therefore I always thought I could not even befriend a girl. But, she seemed sweet and caring so we became closer friends, started to text more, trust each other more, etc… Well, naturally, I started to have feelings for her. But, I had no idea how to even begin to tell of them to her. So, I told her I loved her, one night over a text message. She freaked out, obviously and reprimanded me and told me to not say such things and that I don’t know what love is, how she did not have these feelings for me, etc… Having done all this, I stepped back for a while and let her be. Eventually, we patched things up and became friends again. I developed feelings again, told her… and a vicious cycle began. I did finally let go. But now we don’t even talk. We deleted each other from all the social networks and all that and I erased my cell phone. For my hearts sake. But, now I have turned to impurity/masturbation as a way to fulfill this void in my heart. I know it is wrong. I am battling it everyday and I hope to rid myself of it soon. Granted, she isn’t Catholic, (Assemblies of God, she said). So, we did have our disagreements on faith based things. But, she was always someone I could turn to and a friend. I just… I just don’t know what to make of this situation.

I apologize for the wall of text. It feels good to at least type this and I will not be offended by any questions or inquiries. I welcome them.

Thank you in advance.
 
Hi there.

I’m a young, female and recently graduated college student so we’re not too many years difference in age. I’ve never been married and am by no means an expert on relationships, but I would like to share my impression of your situation (and obviously it’s my view…meaning that anything I write is open to your interpretation and discernment). First off, congrats on making the first big step and admitting you’re in the wrong and reaching out for help. So many people get caught in a web of indifference and deny what they’re doing is really wrong because they have shunned the severity of the consequences of the sin. I can only say this because I speak from personal experience – I, too, struggled with sexual temptation and sin. You are not the only Catholic.

I first want to comment on Jane – I’m sorry how things have turned out. I know the pain of losing someone you care for because of rejection, and it hurts. A lot. Unfortunately I can’t tell you that it goes away quickly either. Jane’s reaction to your feelings strikes me as immature and a bit selfish. There are ways to go about having a conversation where one friend likes the other but the other doesn’t necessarily reciprocate. She handled it poorly (although I do have to say that texting your feelings probably wasn’t the best way to handle things either. You know now, and we’ve all made the wrong move in situations regarding feelings for other people. Don’t beat yourself up.). My best guess as to why this is still bothering you is that she was truly the first girl you have cared about and admitted it to. That leaves a long-lasting impression that doesn’t just go away by deleting her on Facebook or erasing her number. I’ve really only dated two people and the second guy was someone I developed feelings for on my own before we dated (with the first they came as the relationship progressed). He broke up with me very suddenly and unexpectedly well over a year ago, and I still think about him very very often if not every day. These things take time. More time than you or I or anyone wants to give. You have to realize this and let yourself heal. It won’t be easy, and there will be so many days when you feel alone. That is where you can either make good of the situation and turn to God (although you might not feel truly “better” in that moment) or turn to temptation. At first it’s extremely difficult. But every time you choose God it gradually becomes easier and easier.

I think the best thing to do is to let yourself let Jane go. You’ve “deleted” her from your life, and now it’s time to start praying that you are able to let her go with your heart. That’s the only way you are going to heal – if you recognize that you have absolutely no power over it. Only the Divine Physician can do this for you. If you don’t want to do that or don’t feel ready to, pray for the desire to let her go. You’ll find that you’ll be able to progress further and further in your healing when you start with simple prayers (such as praying for the desire…or even the desire to have the desire!). Although you can be grateful that you had Jane in your life as a friend for the times when you needed her, it doesn’t sound like she was leading you closer to God like a true friend or true girlfriend should do. She rejected your very self when you showed her your heart instead of gently explaining that she couldn’t reciprocate your feelings. This probably could not lead to a life-giving friendship in the future. Pray for healing and friendships that will bring you closer to God. Your prayers will surely be answered in time.

As for your struggles with impurity – one of the first and hardest things you need to do is to go to confession. I’ve had to confess the same sin, and I understand the shame and sorrow that accompanies it. But the priest was very consoling and non-judgmental (I’m sure they’ve heard just about everything in the confessional) and knowing that God has forgiven you will help you to start forgiving yourself and battling the sin. Whenever you feel the urge or temptation to impurity arising, go do something else. I’ve read that those kinds of sins require actual physical distraction – you just can’t “will” yourself to put your mind on other thoughts. You have to move your body physically in order to forget it. Go for a walk. Get up and go talk to someone. Call your parents at home (they love hearing from you). Go to a chapel on campus if you can. Just do anything to get yourself out of that situation (I once read about a saint who was imprisoned in an attic by enemies and they would sometimes put a prostitute in his room to tempt him. Every time they did, he would grab a hot poker from the fire and chase her out to prevent falling into temptation….haha. Your distraction doesn’t need to be that drastic, but you do need to get away from it.) I can tell you from experience that this is one of the only things, coupled with prayer, that works. Those temptations are strong. But God is stronger. Pray for the ability to fight them. And every time you feel the temptations, say a St. Michael the Archangel prayer and get up and move. You will have to do this over and over and over again. But like I said, each time you will get a little better and a little better until you slowly find that the temptations are less frequent and much much weaker. You can do it with the help of God. Do not give up.

Many great things await you in your life. Maybe God allowed you to suffer the loss of Jane so He could make room for a new friend to take her place that will lead you closer to Him. Things might not make sense now, but know that if you persevere in God you will slowly begin to understand why He allows certain sufferings in our lives. Place your trust in Him. He’s the author of your life after all.

I apologize for the length of this. I hope some of it helps. Know that I’m praying for you!!
 
If she would “freak out” and become angry at someone for saying they loved her, that is just immaturity. I would try to move on.
 
I have been through something similar myself. Let yourself love her but understand that she is not your life partner/spouse. God may have someone else in mind for you.

Every time you think of her tell yourself that it is o.k. that you have feelings for her, that it is o.k. that you are not meant for each other, and it is o.k. that you are not in relationship with her. Then ask God to bless her and ask Him to bless you as well. Also, Thank God for bringing her into your life and for taking her away. Thank him for the future plans He has for you.
 
Magdalene_3 said:
I first want to comment on Jane – I’m sorry how things have turned out. I know the pain of losing someone you care for because of rejection, and it hurts. A lot. Unfortunately I can’t tell you that it goes away quickly either. Jane’s reaction to your feelings strikes me as immature and a bit selfish.
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I wanted to highlight this because it’s my first reaction. Once a woman knows a guy is feeling more for her than she can return, that he is in the romance feelings and she can only ever see them being friends, she needs to get out of the relationship right away, kindly, and leave him alone to move on. (And vice-versa if a guy finds some girl is feeling this way about him.)

But she wanted what she wanted, selfishly not caring about our OP’s feelings. They used to call this “leading him on,” and it’s been around since guys were interested in girls.

So, it’s hard. Our lovelorn OP feels sad and angry and rejected and all that horrible stuff. And here’s the answer that has been given ever since these things started happening: time heals all wounds. It’s a lesson, a painful one, but one most of us have gone through.

You will get over this. And when you do, when you stop having these huge negative feelings you don’t know what to do with, you’ll probably find your other issue easier to deal with. Meanwhile, try to stay busy, try to find a few comedies to watch, don’t listen to sappy broken heart songs, take up raquetball or something. And next time, be open about how you feel as you go along. Oh - and if someone ever professes love for you and you can’t return it, be a decent guy and break off all relations, cleanly and kindly.
 
Thank you so kindly for all of your responses! 🙂

Yes, I do know I have to come clean with my heart and soul and just let her go. It will be throughly difficult to do so, but I must as it is for the best. She was the first girl I have ever truly loved and cared for. However, I’m sure God placed this challenge into my life to make me stronger and ready for my actual, true love. I will try to keep myself busy with my reading and computer thing along with some jogging (exercise never hurts!). I do also realize the grave sin in my impurity and the neccessary action of Confession and repentance. I am young and abusing my body so is just wrong. I downloaded this wonderful app for my Windows Phone called Catholic’s Companion. It contains all the prayers you guys mentioned and even a full pray-along rosary! Well worth the 99 cents. 🙂
 
Not that I mean to bump up or resurrect an old thread, but I would just give a little update that I have been deeply praying and seeking to be closer to God since starting this thread, and I feel his presence more profoundly in my life. I will be going to Confession soon in regards to my impurity and its effects on me. I do sometimes still have thoughts of Jane and our time together, but when this happens, I just start praying to Jesus to let myself move on. And he graces me with his love and presence. I do pray to the Lord to help me find the wife of my dreams and that when He decides so, that His will be done. I don’t mean any of this in a desperate way, like that I am constantly looking for a girlfriend or anything of the sort. But I do wholeheartedly believe that if I just put myself in Jesus’ arms, as I have done, that he hears my prayers and petitions to Him. He loves me. And that is a wonderful amazing feeling. Sorry for the length and lateness of this post. School and work are tough to juggle and I have found that this is a wonderful community on here and I look forward to making a friend or two on here. 🙂

God bless!
–Mat (I probably should have introduced myself earlier, but hey, better late than never!)
 
Lovelorn,

Pray that God will pick the girl for you. That he make it possible to meet someone who will truely be a soul mate some day. It would be good to say a prayer everyday for this. The one you decide to marry is perhaps the greatest decision you will ever make.

The Memoare is a great prayer. Or just make up one.

You might also think about a novena to St. Joseph to help you over the hill you just experienced. If he could help raise and provide for Jesus, he could certainly help you.

Just some thoughts.
 
Masturbation creates a physical desire in all women within you. You see women not as marriage material, but as sexual objects. Believe me, that will come to haunt you when it comes time for you to start considering adult relationships. You’ll naturally opt for the more physically pleasing option since your standards of sexual pleasure have been raised so high. You’ll either fail in winning them and feel demotivated, or you’ll succeed and realize later down the track that you made the wrong choice, that you’d have been better off choosing the less physically pleasing girl because she probably would have been a better mother for your children, a better member of your family, and most importantly a better wife for you. Take it from someone who’s chased girls before, be very careful! They can be awfully deceiving.

I was also like you at one point, and while I still struggle at times, I’ve learned to put a lid on my sexual temptations. It’s actually healthy, I find that I’m seeing the world through a whole new perspective, a better one!

What’s even more amazing now is that I’ve taken it upon myself to practice celibacy. I feel that I’m being called to priesthood and my sexual struggles in the past only reinforce that, and it was only a (seemingly) little while ago that I wanted the same thing as you; a wife, kids, sexual pleasure etc.

Not to say those things are wrong, but my mindset has changed dramatically.

A helpful tip for avoiding masturbation; connect with God more. Not only through prayer, but through deeds. Help someone out, give alms to charity, be respectful to your parents, love everybody, be a nice guy. You’ll find that a desire for masturbation usually comes from stress, fear, loneliness, hatred etc. You feel helpless and low, so you ‘treat’ yourself to masturbate so you feel better. So, then, avoid those things! If you live a happy life by avoiding hatred, stress etc, you’ll fell less inclined to masturbate, trust me!

When you see something that is likely to tempt you, turn away and think of Jesus. Put your mind on something else instantly! Sexual temptation is deceiving; you think that perhaps just looking or fantasizing for a second can’t possibly hurt, and it’ll ease your pain, so you’ll tolerate it, and then within seconds you get trapped. When you feel tempted, you have a small window of opportunity to fight it off. Act before it’s too late!

In regards to your feelings over a lost crush, they are normal. Everyone has them. They are essential in preparing you to move on in your life, and to even start dating maturely. I had many crushes that didn’t work out, and I often got angry, but trust me God has a plan for you (if you love Him enough to so trust in Him). He ended up blessing me with something even better, and the right girl comes along eventually. Take this as a learning experience (not to jump into things etc) and move on, tell God to prepare a right girl for you. Jesus can heal all your wounds and desires, perhaps He is calling you to put your love more towards Him! Any girl that doesn’t want to be with you isn’t worthy of your desire. And believe me, masturbation only makes you miss them even more. It’s not a solution, it only makes it worse. God has helped you dodge a bullet, whether you see it or not. He knows the kind of girl you need and will end up with. Just be patient. Stop thinking about your lost opportunity and think about your future opportunities!

God Bless!
 
Thank you again for all of your replies. Yes, I do agree that masturbation stems from evil feelings such as hatred and resentment. And while I do try to avoid such feelings about my crush (or anyone else, for that matter), they do happen sometimes and when they do I try to just stop myself and pray for peace in my heart. Yes, I do feel lonely sometimes, as I do not have many friends, either and that can also be a factor in my wanting to sin like this. But God is always there and He loves me totally and unconditionally. I’m sure there is a girl out there for me, God always creates a path for those who follow and love Him. I just have to be more open to His plans and His Love. This whole journey in prayer after my whole ordeal with Jane really, truly has changed me. Because I put Christ first. I hadn’t done this prior. This is why I fell. But Christ loves me enough to pick me right back up! 😃 The only thing that sort of worries me is if my future wife asks me of my past, it would be so awkward for me to tell of my troubles with my crush… 😊

God Bless,
Mat
 
lovelorn322 said:
Hi, I’ve been reading this forum for quite some time now and would just like to finally vent this trouble I have been having in terms of my faith, love and impurity.

I am a 19 year old college student and am quite satisfied with my life and the way it is going, I have a part time job and am very happy with my grades. However, my issue with my friend, let’s just call her Jane (that is not however her real name), is tearing me up inside. Me and her met in a mutual class our senior year of high school, prior to meeting her, I had not even taken the opposite sex into account, at all really. I am a very nerdy guy, I enjoy computers and reading biographies of people that interest me, such as Steve Jobs and therefore I always thought I could not even befriend a girl. But, she seemed sweet and caring so we became closer friends, started to text more, trust each other more, etc… Well, naturally, I started to have feelings for her. But, I had no idea how to even begin to tell of them to her. So, I told her I loved her, one night over a text message. She freaked out, obviously and reprimanded me and told me to not say such things and that I don’t know what love is, how she did not have these feelings for me, etc… Having done all this, I stepped back for a while and let her be. Eventually, we patched things up and became friends again. I developed feelings again, told her… and a vicious cycle began. I did finally let go. But now we don’t even talk. We deleted each other from all the social networks and all that and I erased my cell phone. For my hearts sake. But, now I have turned to impurity/masturbation as a way to fulfill this void in my heart. I know it is wrong. I am battling it everyday and I hope to rid myself of it soon. Granted, she isn’t Catholic, (Assemblies of God, she said). So, we did have our disagreements on faith based things. But, she was always someone I could turn to and a friend. I just… I just don’t know what to make of this situation.

I apologize for the wall of text. It feels good to at least type this and I will not be offended by any questions or inquiries. I welcome them.

Thank you in advance.
Click to expand...
Exactly the same thing happened to me, this girl I was dating for over a year, I told her to her face I love you, her reply you’re too young to know what love is. I felt belittled.

What comes forth from your lips comes FORTH from your heart Good and evil? my EXgirlfriend in her heart she belittles people. (THAT’S WHO SHE REALLY IS?) ( AND WHAT SHE IS.?)

You deserve somebody better my brother in Jesus Christ, and I love you lovelorn322 I our will pray for you with all my heart to are father in heaven, when the time is right God will send you somebody special…

FROM OUT THE OVER FLOW OF THE HEART THE MOUTH SPEAKS,?
 
I am so sorry. I want to share that many women or girls don’t understand that we cannot be always friend with the opposite sex or at least they need to be careful. It took me many years from a young girl to a woman to get it. I was completely naive thinking that it was possible. Clearly, she enjoys your friendship but want nothing more. You on the other hand, you have feeling for her. I would pray God and offer all of my hurts to him and ask him to bring peace to you.

Please don’t pursue those impurity gesture to cope with this. About going to see your priest and talk with him. He cans without a doubt help you in so so many ways. Take your chance and go see him.

I pray for you to be be at peace and for all the perfect miracles and grace for you!
 
Just thought I’'d bump up this here thread, hehe. I went to Confession before Easter and feel so… relieved and renewed. God has forgiven me for my transgressions. This is a wonderful amazing feeling. My thoughts about Jane are becoming less frequent, however, with time I’m sure they will fade. My heart is open to God fully and when He feels so, I will meet someone to share this Love with. I will treat all of my past as a giant learning experience. Because that’s what it is! haha. What not to do when it comes to my feelings, and most importantly not to abuse my sexuality so. I hope everyone had a Blessed Easter. 🙂

God bless, Mat.
 
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