I can't take it anymore

  • Thread starter Thread starter PrayingDuck
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

PrayingDuck

Guest
I don’t even want to be Catholic or even alive, for that matter. I don’t see how it is even possible for anyone to go to heaven. If Jesus was supposed to bring us joy and peace, why do I only feel anxiety and fear when I think of Christianity? I am Catholic, I go to Mass every Sunday, but I don’t think I really love God. I often wish I had been born into another religion so that I wouldn’t have to be Catholic, but now that I know the Truth, I am bound to remain Catholic. My boyfriend recently pointed out to me that I follow all of the rules, but only because I am so afraid of going to hell. I don’t do anything out of genuine love for God. I have a permanent knot of anxiety in my chest. I don’t see how anyone can be both happy on earth and happy in the afterlife. So few people go to heaven, and I am just in the middle of the pack, holiness-wise. So there’s no way I am going to make the cut. But I try, I follow all of the rules, to an extreme so that it makes me miserable. I feel like I must point out the sins of those around me so that I am not condoning them and therefore sinning myself. For example, some coworkers were challenging each other to see how much of a certain food item they could eat in a day. Normally, I would be okay with the competition, but I worried that that was gluttony and I felt like I needed to point that out to them. I didn’t, because I didn’t want to rock the boat, but if I had, I don’t think it would have made any difference aside from making them annoyed with me. I worry every single minute about what I need to do in whatever situation I am in in order to be not sinning. But maybe that is what I am supposed to do–all of the saints are always talking about how VERY IMPORTANT every action is to our salvation. What must I do so that I can be one of the few to go to heaven? It seems that I must be terribly unhappy on earth in order to go to heaven. Maybe God is calling me to a more ascetic, extreme sort of life in order to get to heaven. I have been told that I take life too seriously, but to take life less seriously seems like it would be a sin. I was on vacation with my family, and I felt so guilty about relaxing and having fun. I worry endlessly about what my vocation is because it is supposed to be so incredibly important to our salvation. Religious life doesn’t appeal to me aside from its being a safer means to salvation. Marriage, however, seems like a trap for all kinds of sins, and the few holy married people I know are annoying and live in a little Catholic bubble. My boyfriend is always telling me that we need to go and be friends with all kinds of people so that they will see the love of Christ, but I feel that it is better to remain among Catholics because they are less likely to lead us to sin. I don’t understand how I can be friends with non-holy people and even have conversations with them without condoning what they are doing. For example, if someone is telling me about how much they drank last weekend, I don’t know how to respond and continue the conversation aside from either telling them that is a sin or smiling, seeming to condone it. Besides, I do not like my boyfriend’s way of evangelizing. He seems to think it is okay to make inappropriate jokes and sort of stoop to their level to be friends with people, and then he brings up Catholicism and Jesus when he gets an opportunity. I feel like we must be preaching all of the time, everywhere we go, but people do not respond well to that. I am so afraid that my boyfriend will lead me away from the Church that I am always preaching at him, even though he is Catholic and probably loves God more than I do, but I follow the rules better. I don’t know what to do or how to live. I just want to be a normal person, but all normal things like watching movies or tv, or going shopping, or playing a video game, or anything enjoyable that bring me pleasure seem to me to be sins. I have zero joy in my heart, and I feel that that is the way I am supposed to be in order to be holy, but I am miserable. I feel I have two choices: leave the Church or else let up a bit and experience happiness in this life and hell in the next, or remain as I am and be tortured in this life but possibly happy in the next. Please help me if you can.
 
Perhaps you can meet with a priest and explain everything in your post to him?

I am sorry you are going through this, and it doesn’t have to be like that,( it wasn’t meant to be like that.)

The Lord loves you infinitely and is always with you!

I will say a prayer for you right now.
 
I probably should. I’ve been having trouble finding a spiritual director because I don’t like the priest at my parish and I don’t know how to find one that I do like. I feel odd going to a neighboring parish for spiritual direction. And there are not a lot of religious in my area.
 
PrayingDuck said:
I probably should. I’ve been having trouble finding a spiritual director because I don’t like the priest at my parish and I don’t know how to find one that I do like. I feel odd going to a neighboring parish for spiritual direction. And there are not a lot of religious in my area.
Click to expand...
You might try calling the chancery office and ask about spiritual directors in your area…

Peace
James
 
Don’t worry! We all experience doubts and rough moments. The key is not to let Satan make you believe that “you won’t make the cut”, that you would never be “good enough”. He is the one trying to discourage you from your faith.

Remember, as Catholics, we don’t live by a set of rigid, merciless rules, but by principles that we know take us to the Truth and true love and true happiness.

We can’t control everybody and we are not called do to that. We are called to evangelize but we all have different ways to do it and different talents to do it. Remember, preach the gospel always and use words when necessary. We don’t always have to “correct” other people. Sometimes, is just best to say nothing and walk away.

Do choose your friends wisely. We all have some that we disagree with in some things but make sure you have a number of them with whom you can live and talk about your faith joyfully.

Remember Jesus loves us. He does not want us miserable. Find a good priest, a good friend and pray! 👍
 
PrayingDuck said:
I don’t even want to be Catholic or even alive, for that matter. I don’t see how it is even possible for anyone to go to heaven.
Click to expand...
I recommend reading books about the saints especially Saint Faustina and the Divine Mercy. Saint Augustine is another good one to read.

God in His mercy offers us the Sacrament of Reconciliation for which there is no limit to His forgiveness. And God also offers Purgatory for those who want to be with Him but who died before being perfected in this earthly purgatory we now live in. Of course we should try to aim for Heaven, but the good news about Purgatory is that anyone who goes there eventually makes it to Heaven.

In the Christian faith, we have the only religion with a God who can truly empathize with all of our hopes, sorrows, and joys. That’s because our God cared enough to not just sit back and watch us “from a distance”. He actually loves and cares about us so much that He wanted to become one of us and pay the price for our sins. Christ (God the Son) also offers to enter us with His full body, blood, soul, and divinity every time we partake in Holy Communion. In this way, our body truly becomes a tabernacle for the Lord to dwell.

None of us always feels like we are in love with God. In fact, most of the time we can expect to feel nothing. But we can easily fool ourselves with feelings. Faith in God and loving Him is more than a feeling. Faith in God is a decision, and love is an action. To know what true love is we only need to take a look at a crucifix.
 
Dear friend,

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this tension in your life. You also seem to have a problem with scrupulosity a bit. It is OK to watch films and to have fun in general, but we must also be careful not to fill our minds and hearts with junk. Not everything in this world is a sin, but we must be careful because being surrounded with unhealthy things can influence us towards sin. Pray for the gift of discernment to learn to distinguish between these things.

You are right, Jesus has come to give us peace but unfortunately the secular world makes that difficult and we can feel torn between the two. My guess is that you are still young enough to be influenced by what people think and expect of you. Believe me, it gets easier with time to find a way to deal with it all. For years I tried to find a way to balance my faith with the secular world and it was so hard. I also felt the same way about people who don’t follow God - how do I relate to them, converse with them, be their friend? What happened to me was that with prayer and increased trust in God I started to develop a certain distance between myself and others. This was a healthy distance because I could genuinely appreciate these people and be their friend but I felt no need to be like them in their embracing of sin, nor to judge them for it. This was all due to grace and I don’t take any credit for it. Pray for this gift, trust God and He will help you. The more you belong to Him the easier it gets to deal with the world that rejects Him. This probably sounds like a contradiction, like something impossible, but trust me, it is true. He works in mysterious ways 🙂

I also suggest you find a priest who can help you with this. Shop around if your parish priest can’t help you. It could also be a lay person who is experienced. I once had a couple of months of spiritual direction with a lay person and that really helped me figure things out. You can also get support and advice here, people are always ready to help in whichever way they can.

So please don’t lose hope, just carry on battling and it will be OK. Life is tough, but with God’s help we can overcome all challenges.
 
  1. I took a look at the various posts that you have put up over the last couple of months and I have to say that I think it would be a good idea to speak to your family doctor about your anxiety issues.
  2. This may sound odd to you - and to others here…but I think that you should stop thinking about the rules…I don’t mean stop going to mass or anything like that…but stop worrying about things like evangelizing - telling other people that they are sinning - laughing at an off color joke - things like that.
    The reason I say this is simple…You are so wound up in knots over every little thing that you can’t separate what is important from what is not.
Right now the devil has you talking about leaving the Church…He’s done this by getting you into a position where you are following the rules so strictly but without a real recognition of why. This is why you experience no joy. The rules are not a part of you. They are simply something that you have imposed on yourself to an extraordinary degree.
Ole Satan has used this lack of understanding to feed you all sorts of “Judgement” fears so that you are now to the point of not being able to do anything at all out of fear of sinning. You feel as though you are walking a tightrope over a fiery pit.
Such feelings are not from God.

The only way to sort out such a labyrinth is by stepping back and stepping out. Then looking over the whole issue all of the parameters…reading and pondering and only then to begin rebuilding a deeper spiritual life.

The most foundational principle of our faith is Love. It’s not obedience and it’s not fear.
Fear and obedience, when properly understood and applied are useful tools, but they are not the ends. Love is the end - and in that love we have the freedom to act out of Love.

You say that you don’t think you love God…You worry that you don’t know how to love…
You may be right. It may be that you need to learn this first.
Start with your boyfriend. Consider these questions…
Do you love him?
How does he make you feel?
Do you fear him?
What would you do for him?
Would you do these things because he demands them or because you want to?

You might ask these same kinds of questions about your parents.

The answers can help you begin to understand about what love is - and how fear has no part in it.

Just some thoughts

Peace
James
 
Study the Book of Proverbs. Get you a book that has them translated in English terms, check Amazon. Trust me on this, you will get the answers you are looking for. :console:
 
As other posters have noted, it seems that you might be having some problems with scruples. Trust me, I know how that is since I also struggle with it. (Albeit not nearly as bad as a lot of people do, for that I am blessed.) I suggest that you find a priest or some other Christian more mature in the faith to talk to. They need to be someone who you can confide your problems to, and also give you sound spiritual advice and encouragement. Also try and focus on God’s mercy rather than his judgement. Remember that God sent his Son to save the world, and extend the gift of salvation to all. He doesn’t want us to cower in fear and misery, he wants us to rejoice in Him! Just keep your focus on God’s mercy and love is all I gotta say. 😉
 
God tells us in Scripture to NEVER give up hope in Him.

When Jesus talked about eating His Flesh and Blood and the disciples left Him, He said to the Apostles, “Are you going to leave me too?”

St. Peter replied, “Lord, where can we go? You have the words of everlasting life.”

You talk about wanting to happiness and joy, and you feel that you might have to leave the Church in order to find them. First, this is a lie from the pit of Hell. Second, neither Jesus nor Mary (in Her appearances and messages) promised us happiness in this life, but in the next. Not MAYBE: definitely!

Sounds like you have a Cross to bear. And, we must bear them with Christ’s help. Don’t seek happiness in this life, but loyalty to the Lord.
 
Today is the Feast of St. Alphonsus Ligouri (a solemnity if you are in an area served by the Redemptorists). St. Alphonsus was the founder of the Congregation of the Most Holy Redeemer (Redemptorists) and he struggled with terrible scruples throughout his life, causing him much anxiety.

The Church venerates him as the Doctor of Moral Theology, but he is also unofficially considered by many to be the Doctor of Prayer, because he wrote so much on prayer in addition to many other wonderful spiritual works for the everyday person about the love of Jesus Christ, and the spiritual life in general. Here is a link to some of his collected works, I think that they could really help you:
wallmell.webs.com/Liguori.htm

May God, through the intercession of St. Alphonsus, cause you to grow in love for him!
 
I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is very hard. I felt similar things for a while when I returned to the catholic church. At one point I told my priest I had to leave the church if this is what it is going to be like. He just smiled and said, “you can leave but you will be taking all your problems with you”. So true. He also said that when he wants to give up he goes to the manger (it was Christmas time). In other words, go to Jesus. He is pure love.

You got lots of good advice here. Things that helped me include: focusing on God’s love, not judgement. Beg God to show you His love. That is the first and most important thing. I second the suggestion to read St. Faustina. That helped me a lot because she talks so much about mercy and love. It IS Satan tempting you to be so anxious. You must learn to recognize when that is happening and fight back by refusing to believe it. Ask God to help you with this… don’t beat yourself up over this too.

What is the “good news”? That we are SET FREE. So when you are in bondage to anxiety and worry over sin, you are forgetting that Jesus loves you, you are forgiven! Satan is so happy when we condemn ourselves. But the good news is that we are NOT CONDEMNED! Keep putting your eyes on Jesus, not your own sins. It takes time to learn to do this.

You don’t have to be perfect, God loves you just the way you are! Start there, let the rules come later. He will lead you into more holiness, but on his time not ours. One priest told me not to even be concerned over what is mortal sin and what is venial. I think I had a little scrupulosity too. The point is just keep turning to God. TELL GOD that you want to know him. Go to adoration. Pray the rosary. All these things helped me and I sometimes have to go back and remind myself that it is SATAN who wants me to be miserable. You can’t stop bad habits yourself. Ask God to deal with it. Ask Mary for her help and ask her to pray for you.

I will pray for you as well. I know it is a very painful spot to be in.
 
It seems to me that you might have a bit of anxiety going on. I don’t think it is because you are Catholic. Whatever religion you might have been, you would probably be just as anxious about it. (If that is what is going on, I mean.) Maybe you should talk to your doctor about possible ways to relieve anxiety. He might prescribe you a medication, or therapy, or a special diet or something. Anxiety is really difficult to live with and it can be dangerous to our relationships with other people as well as with God. I don’t think that what you describe is how God wants you to feel at all. I think you should see the doc and find out if an anxiety disorder is what is causing your distress. Something spiritual you might try is to pray the Devine Mercy Chapelet whenever possible. When I was going through a very stressful time in my life, I often prayed it coming home from work. (They play it on the radio at 3PM which is when I drove home.) It really helped me get through a horrible situation.
 
Pray to God for the ability to truly love Him and keep away from bad company, like you do; I think you should consider leaving your boyfriend, too. It is better that you have a miserable life here on earth and a blissful eternity in Heaven. You must truly love God in this life to be able to go to Heaven – not just follow rules; but Jesus says that he who obeys his commands loves Him – so perhaps you do love God a lot, without knowing this. God bless you.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top