I cheated on my husband...Apology

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nikoletodd

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I am assuming some detail of what I poured out in my last thread was offensive or may have crossed a line. For that I am deeply apologetic. I promise you that I am here to find help and solace. I want to stop what I have been doing and need the help of anonymity to work through it.

There is no excuse for my behavior and for the offense of cheating. I recognize that. I want to thank Xantippe and mountee for their prayers and advice. I took it and ended all communications with the other man this morning.

I know that ClearWater recommended I tell my husband but at the advice of my priest who knows us both well…he recommends I don’t.

Prodigal_Son~ I will begin reading Hosea and hopefully I will find the holiness you described. If you read my initial post and have bible versus and wisdom to share I would very much appreciate it.

If this is not the board to reach out for help when trying to exit an affair and get closer to God…if anyone could point me in the direction of a board they know of I would be more appreciative. I cannot do this on my own. I need the help of my priest and God and of people who can give me an outside prospective. Again, if my previous post was offensive I am deeply sorry. It was not my intent.
 
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

Against You alone, Oh Lord, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight.

I recommend " Spiritual Combat" by Scupoli this is at the end of the book

“Thoughts On Penance”

Penance is the only pathway to God, once we have been separated from Him by sin. By penance I mean either a penance of heart or an active penance. The one is effective, the other affective, and both must be united as the several circumstances of our condition require.
An active or effective penitence is to be utilized when sickness or any voluntary affliction befalls us, or when through a penitential spirit, we discipline ourselves.
In afflictions we practice active penitence in the following situations:
1. As often as we receive crosses with the intention of receiving them as just punishments from a tender parent solicitous for our reform; or as the sentence of a merciful judge who inflicts a penalty in this life in order to spare us in the next.
2. As often as we confess our sins with true repentance, and receive the punishment with due submission.
That these two interior acts may make a deep impression on our hearts they may be accompanied by the following reflections:
a. If the crimes for which we are punished were to be weighed against our sufferings, how light would the atonement be in comparison with our guilt!
b. All that we endure has been decreed in the Providence of God.
c. All our sufferings are to our ultimate advantage, as they satisfy for our offenses.
d. We suffer too that we may come to a realization of our own wickedness, for we seldom advert to this subject before we feel that hand of God.
e. If by the Sacrament of Penance we are already in the state of grace, affliction is sent as a means of satisfying the divine justice for the temporal punishment due to our sins.
f. The punishment due to mortal sin is eternal damnation, and irrevocable banishment form the sight of God if one is not repentant.
g. Millions have perished who perhaps were guilty of but one mortal sin after Baptism, and many of them were surprised by death the moment it was committed.
In order to apply these rules to our own case when any affliction befalls us, we ought to retire into the depths of our hearts, and reason thus with ourselves:
“Is it not an article of faith that when I first sinned mortally after Baptism, I made myself unworthy of all but the reprobates in Hell?” O my God, if such were actually my fate, how many years should I have already passed in that place of horror! If I consider my first mortal sin, what must I not have suffered in that fiery furnace to this time and what might I not expect to suffer for all eternity!
"It is through Thy mercy alone, O my God, that I was not in Hell from that first moment I deserved it, that I am not there at this moment, that I may still hope never to go there; and it is through Thy mercy that Thou hast not dealt with me as Thou hast with those miserable wretches who no burn there for all eternity.
“Instead of those horrible unending torments, from which Thou hast graciously exempted me, Thou art pleased to send this affliction; and yet I murmur, am impatient and rebellious. What I now suffer cannot possible last long; what I deserved is eternal!”
An active penitence is exercised by depriving ourselves of any satisfaction of body or mind, with the intention of making some atonement to the divine justice by bearing patiently any contempt or injury, and offering it to the Almighty in expiation of our offenses.

Peace and prayers
 
Thank you Hazcompat when I finish reading Hosea I will order your book. The penance my priest gave me was super mild and I don’t know if it’s because I am so active in the church and he knows me much more personally on a friendship level or if I need to go confess to another priest whom I don’t know that can give me a little hellfire and brimstone talking to which is what I really need.

It could also be that for years I have confessed the same confession to him that I was struggling with impure thoughts and when I finally acted on it he felt more mercy than I deserved. I am all for being punished and scorned and shunned and beat down for what I almost did to my family.

Under my priests orders I did not tell my husband, although I wanted to. The affair is freshly over now but my need for reconciliation and true punishment for what I have done sits squarely atop my shoulders. I guess I just wish someone would yell at me and tell me I’m a bad person no matter what my reasons were. Tell me that through everything I should have been faithful to my husband and the vows I took with him.

I thought when I got married I would no longer have to confess lust. I looked forward to being married because that desire of the flesh would no longer be there. I never imagined I would be in a near sexless marriage and have the same confession for 8 more years until it became a confession of doing it.

I HATE myself for cheating. I hate myself for being in a high positions within the church and standing up there a sinner and a hypocrite. The bible says “It’s better to marry than burn.” Yet here I am and I’m going to anyway. I’ve sinned against everything I was brought up to believe. I don’t know how to come back from that.
 
Under my priests orders I did not tell my husband, although I wanted to. The affair is freshly over now but my need for reconciliation and true punishment for what I have done sits squarely atop my shoulders. I guess I just wish someone would yell at me and tell me I’m a bad person no matter what my reasons were. Tell me that through everything I should have been faithful to my husband and the vows I took with him.
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Well, what you did was very wrong, but it’s always best follow your confessor’s advice in these situations.

We can’t always go by how we feel.
I HATE myself for cheating. I hate myself for being in a high positions within the church and standing up there a sinner and a hypocrite.
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Ha! If only others who participated at Church were so reflective as you are!
The bible says “It’s better to marry than burn.” Yet here I am and I’m going to anyway. I’ve sinned against everything I was brought up to believe. I don’t know how to come back from that.
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If you are repentant, you’re not going to burn. That is the promise Christ made to us. 👍

Generally speaking, penances are not heavy. I doubt anyone is going to make you carry a cross across the desert, literally speaking.

I think it’s good that you are at least aware that sin carries punishment.

What’s more or less ironic about sexual sins is that they may not carry the same weight as some of the easier offenses against God in the eyes of God.
I thought when I got married I would no longer have to confess lust. I looked forward to being married because that desire of the flesh would no longer be there.
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I think that is more common than you think.

Listen, don’t be so hung up on judgement. It may be that you will need to discuss further individual counseling options with your priest, but leave the judgement to God.
 
nikoletodd said:
Thank you Hazcompat when I finish reading Hosea I will order your book. The penance my priest gave me was super mild and I don’t know if it’s because I am so active in the church and he knows me much more personally on a friendship level or if I need to go confess to another priest whom I don’t know that can give me a little hellfire and brimstone talking to which is what I really need.

It could also be that for years I have confessed the same confession to him that I was struggling with impure thoughts and when I finally acted on it he felt more mercy than I deserved. I am all for being punished and scorned and shunned and beat down for what I almost did to my family.

Under my priests orders I did not tell my husband, although I wanted to. The affair is freshly over now but my need for reconciliation and true punishment for what I have done sits squarely atop my shoulders. I guess I just wish someone would yell at me and tell me I’m a bad person no matter what my reasons were. Tell me that through everything I should have been faithful to my husband and the vows I took with him.

I thought when I got married I would no longer have to confess lust. I looked forward to being married because that desire of the flesh would no longer be there. I never imagined I would be in a near sexless marriage and have the same confession for 8 more years until it became a confession of doing it.

I HATE myself for cheating. I hate myself for being in a high positions within the church and standing up there a sinner and a hypocrite. The bible says “It’s better to marry than burn.” Yet here I am and I’m going to anyway. I’ve sinned against everything I was brought up to believe. I don’t know how to come back from that.
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As per CAF rules we are not permitted to chastise you or criticize you as you would like to hear. You can always remove yourself from your “high position” in the church and spend more time in adoration. When we know, love and serve God the mere thought of any sin is abominable .
 
I read your initial post and didn’t find it offensive at all. I felt really sad that you have been struggling with all of this. Good luck and God bless. 🙂
 
Do not hate yourself. Hate sin! Listen to your confessor. You can download Scupoli for free at the link in my previous post. Someday, when the time is ripe, you’ll have to forgive yourself.

Peace
 
nikoletodd said:
Under my priests orders I did not tell my husband, although I wanted to.

I HATE myself for cheating. I hate myself for being in a high positions within the church and standing up there a sinner and a hypocrite. The bible says “It’s better to marry than burn.” Yet here I am and I’m going to anyway. I’ve sinned against everything I was brought up to believe. I don’t know how to come back from that.
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I think it is good that you followed your priest’s advice. And your husband would only suffer in hearing of this.

I have read many Saints describing themselves with the same self hatred, so you have them, and all of us sinners for company!

I think that you DO know how to come back from that—God knows if you are truly sorry- and so , if you steadfastly resolve never to do this again- when you confess- you will be forgiven!!
 
nikoletodd said:
**Under my priests orders I did not tell my husband, although I wanted to. ** The affair is freshly over now but my need for reconciliation and true punishment for what I have done sits squarely atop my shoulders. I guess I just wish someone would yell at me and tell me I’m a bad person no matter what my reasons were. Tell me that through everything I should have been faithful to my husband and the vows I took with him.
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Please continue to follow your priest’s orders and do not tell your husband.

You want to be punished for the affair and may be thinking your husband should know so that he can express the anger and hurt towards you that you feel you deserve.

See how that is all about you? and what you want? and need?

This is a burden that you must carry yourself. That is your punishment.
 
I am brought to tears and comforted at that same time that I am on the path back.

KRAZY KAT- As far as stepping down from my “high” positions some are easy to do so and some not so much.

Choir- easy, Leading ladies bible study-easy, making a commitment to be someones RCIA sponsor that “they” selected and asked for- not easy, Giving away a volunteer position in PSR that was hard to fill in the first place- not easy and stepping down from a 2 year commitment of which I was voted into by my entire parish to parish council- not easy.

When I began my struggle I threw myself into my faith and into my church and into eating sleeping and breathing religion. When things got uglier and I felt like my prayers were not being answered after 8 years I turned away from God and ran full heartedly to the sin I was avoiding. I was so angry that I was doing everything in my power to be close to God and to do right by him. I just needed a little reprieve to let me know he was there for me. But I failed my trials and tribulations and I have no one to blame but myself.
 
No matter which way you choose to handle this, please don’t hate yourself. None of us, here, is perfect. We’re all sinners, without a single exception.

Each of us is trying to be helpful. We give advice, but we really don’t know what would be best for your particular situation. Ultimately, probably you would be the only one to determine that, since you, alone, live with the situation and will experience the consequences, not us.

I tried to find your other thread, and couldn’t, but wanted to at least get back to you to congratulate you on trying so hard to resolve this issue. A lot of us probably wouldn’t bother.

God bless you, and good luck with your decisions

I believe I’ll close with a prayer.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :gopray:
 
Your priest is correct; do not tell your husband you cheated, consider it your real penance. Have you thought about going to counseling? Your marriage seems to be lacking the intimacy you need and you might benefit from a disinterested third party helping you to work on that.
 
As well as striving for godliness here… you need to do something practical about this problem of your needs. You say you’ve struggled with it since well before you went to the chat room and it sounds like it is powerful and overwhelming. It sounds like your husband is not likely to change his attitude towards your needs short of having a bomb put under him… so you need to actually do something to deal with them in a godly way.

I speak from some measure of experience here since I’ve been married for 25 years to a man who has never showed me affection and has never been inclined towards my needs at any time. I was on the verge of walking out about 7 years ago and had to put a serious ultimatum to myself. Do I walk out of the marriage and commit to the struggles of raising the teenagers in a broken family and living with breaking a vow I’d made earnestly. Or do I recommit to staying in the marriage and dealing with the pain and grief as the acceptance of the “for worse” clause that I understood when I made it? I chose the later, mostly for the sake of the children and even though the youngest is now 19, I know they still need a stable home base.

Through many prayers tears and surrender, the Holy Spirit led me the way of spiritual direction. Under the care of a devote older religious sister, I did the Spiritual Exercises 3 years ago and have since then, kept up with monthly spiritual direction and the occasional silent retreat.

Especially during the weeks silent retreats, I’ve noticed that I am nourished in the way that I had longed for marriage to nourish me. Through those times of being so close to the Lord and my mother Mary, walking the way of His life through the Gospels… I experience myself as seen and loved for the woman that I am. The pain of the empty marriage is still there of course, but I can more easily join that suffering to the suffering of Jesus who for the love of the world endured horrendous spiritual, psychological and physical agony until He was lifted out of this world by His Fathers hand. I’ve noticed funnily enough that my husband, while allowing me to do a silent retreat, seems annoyed by something about me when I return home. I like to think that it is a sign that he truly does know of my ‘starvation’ in the marriage, if he can sense a difference when I am nourished.

So for your own sake, you have to be proactive in this regard so that you don’t experience the continual backsliding into sin and shame. Start with clearing away as many of the tripping stones in your life that are there to tempt you when you feel weak. Block your access to this man. Get rid of all ‘memorabilia’ from the affair and make a point of turning your pain to tearful, humble prayer. The Holy Spirit will help and guide you if you surrender to Gods will in a properly committed way.

God bless and comfort you and your family.
 
Yeah, a lot of people think if a spouse won’t go to marriage counseling, it’s over. However, no. One can go to counseling alone, and this can sometimes be quite beneficial,
 
St Theodora of Alexandria was a Catholic who committed adultery. She repented and went on to become a Catholic saint.

Through the prayers of St Theodora of Alexandria, may our great God and Saviour, Jesus Christ have mercy on you. :gopray2:
 
MIRIAM1947- It’s not that I want him to yell and scream or punish me for what I believe I deserve. It’s a feeling of being dishonest. As I wrote in the previous post that was blocked…I honestly don’t think he would be upset over the affair. He would be upset over the betrayal maybe but I don’t see him leaving me or the children over it.

We have fought about this subject from the first few months of marriage to the actual beginning of the affair. It’s only then that the fighting stopped because I was no longer looking for that fulfillment from him. We don’t fight over anything ever. Not money… not anything. It was always the intimacy and so, for as long as the affair was occurring, we fought over nothing.

I even went to my Catholic OB/GYN to ask if there was anything to lower my libido so that I didn’t suffer so greatly in my marriage. He scoffed and said “no”, like he didn’t believe me. He did recommend a partial hysterectomy for fibroids and a displaced uterus and said that may trigger a loss of desire if they take my ovaries…I’m only 36 but if it takes me out of this hell…it’s worth it. I’m scheduled in January. “If your eye offends you pluck it out” right? Just a joke…sort of. Sometimes it’s just easier to laugh than cry.
 
LongingSoul- Thank you for your post. I need to look into silent retreats. To be honest I’ve never heard of them. I will ask my priest about them. It’s a wonderful place to start to heal and to forgive myself.
 
Zekariya- Thank you for you post. I wasn’t aware of that saint but I will assuredly look her up and study her path to divine intervention. I just felt like my sin was so much bigger than me and that I couldn’t pul out of the downward spiral. I felt like…well like God had abandoned me or that I was being tested to which I failed miserably.

I am ashamed to say that I not only was angry with God but I resented him. I was working so fervently to find the God of my youth so that I could overshadow the desire but never came close to the relationship of the past. I’m not sure where I lost it. But I miss it.

Thank you again…so very much.
 
God forgives those who repent. 🙂

Proverbs 24:16 For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again, but the wicked shall fall by calamity.

A disciple came to a certain Elder, one day, and said, “Father, I have fallen!”

The Elder answered, “Get up!”

Again and again he came to the Elder and said, “I have fallen!”

And the Elder invariably answered, “Get up!”

“Until when must I continue getting up?” the disciple asked.

And the Elder answered, “Until the day when you give up your soul to God!”

Thus, every time when we feel that we have fallen, the Sacrament of Repentance tells us to get up.

Here is the prayer of absolution that Melkite Catholic priests use for Confession:
God, through Nathan the Prophet, forgave David his sins; and Peter, shedding bitter tears over his denial; and the Adulteress, weeping at His feet; and the Publican and the Prodigal Son. May this same God, through me a sinner, forgive + you, [Name], everything in this life and in the life to come. And may He make you stand uncondemned before His awesome Judgement Seat for He is blessed forever and ever. Amen.

St David committed adultery and then had the woman’s husband killed. God forgave St David through St Nathan the prophet. It is the same way that God forgives us our embarrassing mortal sins through the priest when we confess them. He desires that everyone repents.

Ezekiel 33:11 Say to them: ‘As I live,’ says the Lord God, 'I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live.

“Did you commit sin? Enter the Church, repent for your sin, for here is the physician, not the judge. Here one is not investigated; one receives remission of sins.” - St John Chrysostom
 
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