I cheated on my wife

[rayne89]

Ryan as a Catholic I know you are a believer but since your wife’s pastor does not you might want to run this by him.

1. To the rest I say (not the Lord): if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she is willing to go on living with him, he should not divorce her;
2. and if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to go on living with her, she should not divorce her husband.
3. For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through the brother. Otherwise your children would be unclean, whereas in fact they are holy. 1 Cor 7:12-14 KJV

For a pastor to encourage divorce just because one is not of the same denomination is disgusting in my opinion.

 

[Ramalama]

Ryan, I have sympathy for you, but there’s stuff you need to do. If your life depended on getting a better sponsor, I’ll bet you could. Of course, your life *does *depend on getting a better sponsor. It’s going to be difficult to do what I suggested in my previous note, but you didn’t take up this program to find an easier softer way.

Two specific points from your response. First, you’re praying “almost every day”. That’s not enough by a long shot. Pray in the morning when you first get up. Ask for help staying sober and ask for knowledge of God’s will for you. Then ask for the strength to carry it out. Then, several times during the day, ask for help and guidance, especially when you are in distress. At night, always, give thanks for the help God gave you staying sober. For the morning and evening prayers, get on your knees - really.

Secondly, you talked about resentments toward your wife. I’m sure you’ve heard, “Resentments will kill you.” They will. She’s not responsible for you fooling around. You are. She’s not responsible for your drinking. You are. Each time you feel that resentment coming on, pray for her. Pray she receives all the health, wealth, and happiness you would ask for for yourself. Every time the resentment shows up. Every time.

You should have run to your priest to confess your sin. If you haven’t done that yet, do it - today. You don’t want to die with that on your soul. As my mother used to say, “You’re a long time dead.” In hell it will seem longer.

OK - My wife and I (and many people from these boards) are praying for you. That will help, but you have to take action. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Get to a priest, right after you spend some time on your knees.

God bless you.

 

[Brother_Ryan]

Ramalama,

Perhaps I misspoke or didn’t articulate it properly. I pray several times every day, on my knees. I am thankful and grateful for every day of my sobriety. I have owned every misstake over and over and over again and I will continue to do so. I have seen a Priest several times since this occurred.

Yes, resentments will kill you. I only mentioned them because I realize that they played a crucial role in my awful decisions and I’m trying to take proactive steps in preventing too much resentment from bubbling over once again. But, if you look at what I typed, I said “I was blaming…” and “I *had *resentments…”. I realize that it was killing me to have it weigh on me and our marriage. It is just difficult when you are married to someone who doesn’t want to touch you or say that she loves you or make an effort to understand your sobriety. I agree that I have to learn to simply pray for her happiness and just be thankful, but marriage is supposed to be about reciprocity. There needs to be a little bit of concession.

The facts are what they are. How we got here doesn’t really matter. But, the facts are, I have attended her church at her request, I have seen her Pastor, I have gone to her Church activity nights, and she refuses to take ANY part in anything that involves the Catholic Church. I’m just drowning and trying to find a common ground. A block from which to build on.

I can only assure you that if you knew me, personally, you’d realize that I am not praying “almost every day.” My relationship with God is the only thing that has kept me from going off the deep end. I am thankful. Always thankful.

These are dark, dark times. But, with Gods grace, I will persevere and, more importantly, my wife and son will as well.

I assure you that this really isn’t meant to be feeling me sorry for myself. I used this forum because I legitimately wanted to get ideas from people who might understand. I am in distress because I am not allowed to see my child. A child that I have fed, clothed, supported and loved. My son, whether it is right or not, is being used as a bartering tool and it continues to hurt. Either way, I am on my knees, night and day. I assure you.

Yours in Christ,
Ryan

 

[LSK]

Ryan - no excuses about it being difficult to get to a meeting. Remember that you have made a committment and are willing to GO TO ANY LENGTHS to stay sober. Going to meetings is one of those lengths.

I think you have been given some solid advice - both Catholic and AA. I have no idea if your marriage can be saved. You, however, can be and need to continue on a path of prayer, sacrifice and hard work.

One of the biggest obstacles I had to overcome in my sobriety was the idea that if I do really really well for say, six months, then all should be forgiven. Well, I was a tornado through people’s lives. Some people in my family were leery of me and my ‘recovery’ for the first SIX YEARS…

If you need people to talk to in the high desert area of California, PM me…My sponsor has a bazillion contacts in AA and I will get you names and numbers.

 

[konamom]

Ryan,
Can I ask you an honest question? Why did you tell her? Honesty is a wonderful thing, but do you think you told her to ease your guilty conscience? A very wise Priest gave me some advice when I went through something similar. I cheated on my husband and it went on for almost 2 years. At the time, I was VERY far away from the Church, but during confession I mentioned to Father that I was going to come clean with my husband. I felt he deserved to know. Father told me to take it to my grave! I was very confused why he would give me that advice, but now I get it. Why hurt my husband to make myself feel better? Anyway, please know that I’ll be praying for you and your family. God bless you.
Peace,
Susan

 

[Inman]

If I were you, I would seriously consider going to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. Restricting access to your son raises red flags in my mind.

You should certainly do everything that you can to try to save your marriage and I am defintitely not advocating divorce. However, if things ultimately end up going south, you need to be in as good a position as possible. Talking to a lawyer now, rather than later, can prepare you to be able to do that. You can’t change what happended that led to this, but what you do from now on can make a difference. Since you and your wife are of different denominations, it seems like the religious education of your child would be at stake, if there was a divorce.

You need to be careful about what you post on forums such as this. You should assume that your forum posts will be used against you in a divorce/custody case.

If you don’t have or know a lawyer, I suggest you contact your state’s bar association, most have lawyer referral services that can put you into contact with a lawyer practicing in that field in your area that meet certain minimal requirements. Many lawyers are rated on this site: www.martindale.com to get some information on a lawyer once you have a name or several names.

I will be praying for you as well.

 

[kage_ar]

Prayers here - and a question. Were you and you wife married in the Church?

 

[Brother_Ryan]

kage_ar,

My wife and I were married in a nondenominational Christian church in Torrance. We were married by her Grandfather, who is the Pastor of said Church. At the time, I had strayed from the Catholic Church for many years. A few months ago, I came home.

Thank you, everyone, for your Prayers.

Yours In Christ,
Ryan

 

[estesbob]

If I were you, I would seriously consider going to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. Restricting access to your son raises red flags in my mind.

.

This is good advice, as harsh as it sounds once they start restricitng acess to the Kids you can lose a whole lot real fast if you dont get legal help.

 

[duskyjewel]

Could we all have just a little compassion for the wife here? I know there are religious issues going on here, which frankly should have been considered before marriage, but we are where we are.

This hostile “talk to a lawyer NOW” and “she has no right to restrict access to your child” stuff is beginning to bother me. While a lawyer will probably be necessary should a divorce actually happen, he can get one when he needs one. The thing about the child…let me give this to you from a mother’s point of view. My husband is the most important person in my life…AFTER my children. I love him more than words can say and would be bereft without him. BUT if he ever cheated on me, one of the problems I would have with letting him see my children would be that I don’t want that example for them. Also, I would be forced to realize that I really had NO IDEA who he was, because the man I know now has never and would never cheat on me. That would scare the hell out of me. If I had no idea who he was in his relationship with me, then how do I know who he really is in his relationship with my children? Yes, they are his children too, but he would be the one bringing all this evil and pain into their lives, and I have to protect them first. Once God gave me the gift and total responsibility for these precious souls, they MUST come first, no matter what. So please, let’s stop assigning bad intentions to the wife here, and coming up with forceful solutions to make her do what the OP wants. She is most likely very hurt, very confused, and very fearful. Nothing in her life is what she thought it was, she can’t trust anything. This JUST happened…give her some time to think and cool off.

 

[gmarie21]

Could we all have just a little compassion for the wife here? I know there are religious issues going on here, which frankly should have been considered before marriage, but we are where we are.

This hostile “talk to a lawyer NOW” and “she has no right to restrict access to your child” stuff is beginning to bother me. While a lawyer will probably be necessary should a divorce actually happen, he can get one when he needs one. The thing about the child…let me give this to you from a mother’s point of view. My husband is the most important person in my life…AFTER my children. I love him more than words can say and would be bereft without him. BUT if he ever cheated on me, one of the problems I would have with letting him see my children would be that I don’t want that example for them. Also, I would be forced to realize that I really had NO IDEA who he was, because the man I know now has never and would never cheat on me. That would scare the hell out of me. If I had no idea who he was in his relationship with me, then how do I know who he really is in his relationship with my children? Yes, they are his children too, but he would be the one bringing all this evil and pain into their lives, and I have to protect them first. Once God gave me the gift and total responsibility for these precious souls, they MUST come first, no matter what. So please, let’s stop assigning bad intentions to the wife here, and coming up with forceful solutions to make her do what the OP wants. She is most likely very hurt, very confused, and very fearful. Nothing in her life is what she thought it was, she can’t trust anything. This JUST happened…give her some time to think and cool off.

I agree about the cooling off period, but disagree with his wife NOT allowing him to see their son. Whether or not she wants to see it, they are two different situations and one should NEVER use their child to get revenge (which many women do and some men). Yes he screwed up and has sought forgiveness and is taking the necessary actions to show his repentance. The only one she’s hurting is her son. I am speaking from experience (even though I have never been married I have shamefully used my daughter to make her dad feel guilty and to hurt him because of the hurt he caused me). This is a morally wrong approach unless there is abuse (which doesn’t appear to be the case in this situation). As adults we are to be mature enough to seperate our emotions and actions and to look beyond our hurt to do what is best for our children, including letting them have a relationship with their other parent who hurt us.

 

[estesbob]

Could we all have just a little compassion for the wife here? I know there are religious issues going on here, which frankly should have been considered before marriage, but we are where we are.

This hostile “talk to a lawyer NOW” and “she has no right to restrict access to your child” stuff is beginning to bother me. While a lawyer will probably be necessary should a divorce actually happen, he can get one when he needs one. The thing about the child…let me give this to you from a mother’s point of view. My husband is the most important person in my life…AFTER my children. I love him more than words can say and would be bereft without him. BUT if he ever cheated on me, one of the problems I would have with letting him see my children would be that I don’t want that example for them. Also, I would be forced to realize that I really had NO IDEA who he was, because the man I know now has never and would never cheat on me. That would scare the hell out of me. If I had no idea who he was in his relationship with me, then how do I know who he really is in his relationship with my children? Yes, they are his children too, but he would be the one bringing all this evil and pain into their lives, and I have to protect them first. Once God gave me the gift and total responsibility for these precious souls, they MUST come first, no matter what. So please, let’s stop assigning bad intentions to the wife here, and coming up with forceful solutions to make her do what the OP wants. She is most likely very hurt, very confused, and very fearful. Nothing in her life is what she thought it was, she can’t trust anything. This JUST happened…give her some time to think and cool off.

A cooling off period may very well be helpful. Forbidding him to see his child is another matter alltogehter. I used to feel the way you do but I have seen way to many men get hurt bad by not checking early out all their legal options.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Ryan…
No advice or experience in your troubles…
But you’ll be in my prayers… for you, your wife, and your precious son.

God bless.

 

[rayne89]

My husband is the most important person in my life…AFTER my children. I love him more than words can say and would be bereft without him. BUT if he ever cheated on me, one of the problems I would have with letting him see my children would be that I don’t want that example for them. Also, I would be forced to realize that I really had NO IDEA who he was, because the man I know now has never and would never cheat on me. That would scare the hell out of me. If I had no idea who he was in his relationship with me, then how do I know who he really is in his relationship with my children? Yes, they are his children too, but he would be the one bringing all this evil and pain into their lives, and I have to protect them first. Once God gave me the gift and total responsibility for these precious souls, they MUST come first, no matter what.

Actually in a healthy marriage your husband should be the most important person in your life and then your children. It’s not a popular notion and people get offended. I’m not saying that it’s ok to allow abuse of children, or to allow immorality to be paraded in front of the children. I love my daughter immensly, I would die for her but my marriage relationship comes first. Yes children need to be protected and nurtured -absolutely. I would protect her if it something that would be a direct detriment to her. What happens often is when children come along, the husband becomes second fiddle and children are the central focus, this frequently damages the marriage. This is not beneficial for the children. The children should know their parents’ relationship is sacred.

It doesn’t seem that Ryan in anyway paraded his indiscretion in front of his son. I see no reason to separate for the sake of the child. In fact this has to be incredibly confusing for the child. An intact family is almost always best unless there is abuse issues. The child hasn’t been exposed to evil and pain -except that now he can no longer see his dad. A child’s relationship with his parents is separate from the spouses relationship with each other.

My husband was not some evil incarnate, he was not some horrible monster, he was not a completely different person than I thought he was. He was a human being that made a terrible mistake. It caused me alot of pain, and it took time for that wound to heal. But I did not use my daughter as a way to get back at him under the guise of protecting her. In fact I did everything possible to see that her life remained as normal as possible.She had the right to have a relationship with her dad despite the mess our marriage was in.

I know infidelity is terrible -I’ve been there. It has been many years since that awful time. My daughter and her dad are very close, she’s a daddy’s girl and we have an amazing marriage. I could have lost that if I stuck on “I can’t believe he did this to me.” We all think this could never happen to me, not my marriage but “by there by the grace of God go I” maybe not infidelity but any number of betrayals, sins, painful things can happen in a marriage. Human beings make mistakes -sometimes awful awful ones.

We’d like to believe me marry saints but we are all sinners. It hurts like hell but it doesn’t make the spouse a demon. This a regret my husband will carry for the rest of his life. Something he can never undo even though I have forgiven him. He’s not a horrible person -he’s an incredible loving, generous, amazing person. We both made a mess of our marriage. We both grew so much from that terrible time. It is so hard to let go of the pain but it can be done and it is so worth it.

 

[wanabsaint]

Prayers are with you and they have true healing powers.

I have a book for you to read–Crossing the Tiber by Stephen Ray
He was a Baptist who converted and his story may give you some insight on how to approach your wife’s family and ministers.
It may do nothing for her but it may do a lot for you.

Present your mutual belief in and love for God as your strongest married asset and maybe then the Holy Spirit can help the two of you work things out. God bless

 

[duskyjewel]

Actually in a healthy marriage your husband should be the most important person in your life and then your children. It’s not a popular notion and people get offended.

Actually, making children’s needs secondary to adult desires is the much more popular notion in our culture. Some people will hold onto any dysfunctional relationship no matter what it does to their children, and society does not chastise them, but says they “have a right to be happy.”

My marriage is very healthy, and I take very good care of my husband. BUT he is an adult, and so am I. The children are dependent and completely innocent, therefore they come first. He understands and agrees with me on this, that children come first because we chose to bring these dependent little people into the world and we are obligated to them. We both agree that if either one of us did something destructive and/or immoral, it would be the other parent’s job to put the kids’ needs first and protect them from the other parent. We are extremely bonded to each other and truly believe in permanent marriage. As our children get older, I am sure the relationships within the family will change, and we will again get to that point where he is the most important person in my world, and I am in his. But for now, while we have little ones, they are paramount.

Back to the OP…I understand your frustration and pain at not being able to see your son, and it has been 5-6 weeks as you said. What does she say when you ask to see your son? It might be that it has been long enough that it’s getting unreasonable and you may want to get legal help in establishing visitation rights to your son. I am not saying she is right to keep your child from you, I am just saying that her whole world is shattered, and the tone of some of the posters seemed very forceful and lacking in compassion toward her experience of this. I sincerely hope you two can move past this, and give your son the intact family he deserves and needs. Also, I hope you find a good sponsor. And I think you should tell your current sponsor that slamming someone’s religion is not a helpful way to encourage their sobriety. Your higher power is different from his, that doesn’t give him the right to make fun of it. I think perhaps this person should be counseled by “higher-ups” in the organization about how that is entirely inappropriate behavior by a sponsor.

 

[stmaxfan]

OK, I’m going to be the bad guy here. I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. My husband was a recovering addict and we were healing and things seemed to be going well, then I found out he had made plans to meet someone at a hotel. So, I can identify with your wife.

In my experience, anger is just a cover up. You get angry when you are hurt, but you don’t want to feel the pain. That’s how she feels right now. She is protecting herself. She is afraid to be vulnerable. Why? Because she has been dealing with the hurt of your drinking for years and now you go and kick her in the teeth with this. You mentioned you are not very sexually active in your marriage. Did it ever occur to you how difficult it is to be intimate with someone you don’t trust?! Maybe that’s why she puts you off. When dealing with an addiction, it is difficult to trust the addict, let alone open yourself up to being vulnerable.

Your wife is a desperate woman right now. Her heart has been sliced open by this and she is trying to keep herself together. You can’t tell her that you are sorry and think it will be done with. Here are a couple of things you can do.

Go to confession weekly.
Spend time before the Blessed Sacrament.
Get yourself a good spiritual director.
Fast for your marriage.
Write her a letter explaining how much she means to you and what you will do in order to make things right (for example, my husband always took a child with him when going out except for commuting to work; he called me every couple hours from work, he agreed to go to counseling, he went to adoration several times a week at my request).

She isn’t at fault here. YOU are. YOU broke your marriage vows. You keep saying there was no intercourse. SO WHAT?! Vows were broken. When my situation happened, I had a priest come over and talk to my husband. He said, “What the hell are you doing, man? You have a wife and six kids! Are you crazy?”
Get to confession and take full responsibility and then act like a husband and maybe she will start acting like a wife.

I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I’ve been on the other side and it really hurts.

PS In my situation, God somehow gave me the grace to allow myself to feel the pain and it came on like the flood. I let myself cry in front of him and I told him I was offering up all the pain he ever caused me for his salvation and our marriage. I also fasted and prayed for our marriage for a long time and we went to healing masses as well. It has taken a long time to heal and there are still times when that distrust creeps back, but everything is a process. You will be in my prayers.

 

[Island_Oak]

I cheated on my wife about 5-6 weeks ago. I don’t really know why this occurred, but it doesn’t change the fact that I did what I did and there are no excuses for it.

Better give this some serious thought and honest evaluation…you don’t owe strangers an explanation–but you better know why it happened and fix it or it may not be the last time.

I know that I am alcoholic and I had “fallen off the wagon” earlier that evening, before I chose the path that I chose. That is no excuse either, I’m just trying to give you an all-around understanding of the situation.

Same comment. Why all of a sudden off the wagon? Was this a relationship that was building through flirtation and other inappropriate conduct? You made some very deliberate and destructive choices–time to own up to the “why.”

It sounds as if you are both quite young and/or that her father and the Baptists around her exert an inordinate amount of influence over her–perhaps to the point of coming between the two of you. Have you considered approaching her father or the pastor to discuss 1) your willingness to renew treatment for your alcoholism; 2) counseling that incorporates her Baptist values; 3) obtaining his support in healing your marriage and reuniting your son with both his parents?

 

[Eliza10]

Could we all have just a little compassion for the wife here?..

This hostile “talk to a lawyer NOW” and “she has no right to restrict access to your child” stuff is beginning to bother me. While a lawyer will probably be necessary should a divorce actually happen, he can get one when he needs one.

The thing about the child…let me give this to you from a mother’s point of view… BUT if he ever cheated on me, one of the problems I would have with letting him see my children would be that I don’t want that example for them. Also, I would be forced to realize that I really had NO IDEA who he was, because the man I know now has never and would never cheat on me. That would scare the hell out of me. If I had no idea who he was in his relationship with me, then how do I know who he really is in his relationship with my children? Yes, they are his children too, but he would be the one bringing all this evil and pain into their lives, and I have to protect them first. Once God gave me the gift and total responsibility for these precious souls, they MUST come first, no matter what…

Wow, I went through this in actuality, and I had the same emotions! I really wrestled with them. I was so upset and I thought all these things that I quoted from you, above. I truly did not want him being the example for my son. For that reason a part of me wanted him to go away and be gone. I wanted to save my son from him. I was in shock over being forced to realize he was not at all the man I thought he was - for so many years! In fact I had slowly realized things over the years thatin this way, and this, and this, he was not what he had seemed, but I had learned to accept that he was what he was; he was doign the best he was capable, and I counted my one blessing - I could count on was that he was faithful. When he wasn’t, and so premeditated and deceitful, it was a shock. It was like falling and falling and falling with nothing on earth to hang onto.

So he brought much pain into my life and my sons, and I wanted to protect my son from him.

But I wrestled against my feeling as I sought to know what was right. I could not discount the fact that he is his father, no matter what. My son was not in danger of being molested or abused. His relationship with his Dad is really separate from mine. It is wrong to interfere.

So those other feelings didn’t let up for a long time, but meantime, I had to do what was right. Also when I got the neccessary lawyer, I found that would have been really bad to do anyway.

But you are an understanding person, because all those feelings you said you’d have, I had.

So, back to the child, a separation at one year old is very long if its a few days. The child is too young to understand that Dad is not gone forever when he is gone, and the child will grieve deeply. This break in father/son bonding should be avoided, and if his wife isn’t budging one this he should consult a lawyer over it, because a lawyer will step in to stop this.

Because its her right (not neccessarily the right thing) to remain angry with the husband and want to avoid him altogether. She has a choice not to forgive him as far as wanting him to be her husband anymore. I am not saying its reasonable or right, but this may be the kind of person she is, and he can’t do anything about it if it is so. He can pray, but as a rule, God doesn’t violate man’s will. Perhaps she wanted to leave him before, and this is the straw that broke her back.

With her family fighting him, and in such a truly demonish way - trying to make his faith an issue, in this time of vulnerable desparate need, its not looking good between them. Its good, Brother Ryan, that you are praying a lot and relying on God because that is the best you can do and likely with your wife, the only thing you can do. But again, it is the best and most effacacious thing! Time spent in prayer is never wasted.

But while Ryan’s hands may be tied with his wife, since she is doing the wrong thing (even if its understandable) with their son in regards to his father, then he needs to step in and preserve that relationship. I do agree that she needs time to cool off, and giving her space is most wise because persuing her when she is running will likely make her run faster.

 

[Eliza10]

I just want to add that approaching the wife first without the threat of lawyer would be best. Her feelings are raw, so its best to approach gently - but firmly as far as the right thing with regrds to the son. Respect her protectiveness of the son while tellign the truth - the child has a right to his relationship with his father. Work out a way to spend the time with the son giving the wife the space she needs, and invite her (name removed by moderator)ut on how this can be accomplished.