I cheated on my wife

[Brother_Ryan]

There are a lot of things I’d like to respond to about the last several posts:

I have tried approaching my wife, calmly, rationally. I have asked that I simply be allowed to spend time with my son. Her response, over and over again, is “*you are in no position to make any demands right now. When I decide Cole you should see Cole, he’ll see you.” * I’ve tried being sweet, being reasonable, quoting scripture. None of it is working.

I want to talk about my drinking. My wife used to drink with me. We were young and stupid, and we used to be out all night closing down the bars. When we got married, we only drank together for a month (only on weekends and not heavily anymore) and then we found out she was pregnant. We stopped drinking immediately. I never touched a drop of booze when she was pregnant. In fact, I didn’t for 23 months, until that fateful night that I wish, more than anything else, I could take back.

Someone had mentioned that she might be tired of living with an alcoholic and that lead to the absence of a healthy sexual relationship. The truth is, for the last handful of months, she drank and I didn’t. She isn’t a drunk, but she doesn’t like or enjoy the fact that I stopped drinking. By the way, any time over the past few years when we used to drink (2 years ago), we never argued, I never said anything rude or lost my temper. As a matter of fact, alcohol really hadn’t played any kind of role in our relationship or our marriage. The reason I went to AA in the first place is because my father, brother, grandfather and friends all have/had severe drinking problems. I saw beginning signs and I wanted to nip it in the bud. To be completely honest, I’m not sure booze had anything to do with what happened six weeks ago. I just can’t say for sure that it does. I realize it served as a bit of a catalyst that evening, but it isn’t what made me do what I did.

As far as giving serious thought as to why, well, the answer may not be pretty, but the truth is that I felt like I hadn’t been touched in months (because I hadn’t). My wife hasn’t been interested in any kind of physical relationship since our son was born. I’ve tried to be understanding, I’ve been sweet, I’ve read books on postpartum depression, everything. None of it seemed to fit what she was going through. She simply used to say “I’m too tired,” night after night, week after week, month after month. She would say it for months. She also didn’t seem to want to have other children. I can’t say that I understand my wifes reasoning, but I know that I was walking around the night of my cheating with the thought “my wife does not love me” in my head. The reason is because I asked her if she still loved me the day before and she didn’t say she did or didn’t. She didn’t say anything. She just walked away. I thought to myself “I can’t make her happy. She wants something else out of life.” I was a wreck over it.

Now… I want to make it clear. I am not using this as an excuse, I am not condoning my actions and I am not blameshifting. I am trying to tell you what has happened that lead up to all of this.

I am afraid to talk to a lawyer too quickly, mostly because I want to believe that she loves me enough to forgive me and loves this marriage and family enough to come home. I want to believe that things will work out. I pray for them all the time. I love them both immensely. I don’t ever want to be without them again. I screwed this up. I know it and I can’t change it. I just want my family back. I want to see my son. And I definitely shouldn’t have to abandon my faith and convert in order to do it.

Yours In Christ,
Ryan

 

[kage_ar]

. I just want my family back. I want to see my son. And I definitely shouldn’t have to abandon my faith and convert in order to do it.

Yours In Christ,
Ryan

Ryan - I believe that there is a spiritual side to every problem, and earlier you stated that you were married outside the Church, and recently came Home.

Did you and you wife have your marriage regularized by the Church? My reason for asking, there are graces from the Sacrament of Marriage - as from all of the other Sacraments. If your marriage was not recognized, and you cannot recieve Our Lord in the Eucharist, please look into having your marriage regularized. The strength from the Sacraments will help you through this time.

Kage

 

[Margita]

There is little hope for getting this marriage regularized if the wife will not see the husband…

Ryan - I think in spite of the fact that nothing you have read about postpartum depression seems to match your wife’s condition, she appears to suffer from it. Severely. Her drinking (before and after pregnancy) may have an effect on her disordered mood also. Your situation is grave, tangled, and you seem to focus on different problems in it all the time - the cheating, the drinking (alone and together), religion, alienation after birth… Difference after difference, clash after clash…

I believe there is a way out - but it is likely not to be short or easy. First, you are right about not leaving your faith. You definitely should not be weak in any aspect now! The worst thing you can do is prove your wife right about not being worthy to see your son. So, stick to your faith, stick to abandoning alcohol forever, stick to being a father and a husband. This means, show that you care and that you take responsibility. Show that you are aware of the fact that you are to blame (never mind if this is so black-and-white or not, this latest conflict was caused by your misbehavior) and get somebody to act as intermediary with your wife. This can be her father, a friend, anybody. YOu could even start to send her money regularly to show that you really care and you will not give up your role as husband and father. STICK TO BEING A HUSBAND AND A FATHER. With a wife who has such a temper and who is as stubborn as yours, a strong will and determination are more useful than being sweet and tender.

 

[mariam1976]

i agree with not going to a lawyer too early… try to make sure that you document that u tried to see ur son so many times…
that should be enough…
at this moment, that can only spell disaster… u r proceeding cautiously which is good… be that way and pray pray pray before you take any kind of hasty decision…
may god be with u…

 

[masondoggy]

Ryan, I am so sorry you are going through this…you will be in my prayers tonight. I know through experience that a marriage can survive infidelity if you turn to God and put your marriage in His hands.

In the meantime, first of all, your wife has NO right to tell you you can’t see your child. It is NOT up to her. Until a judge in a court of law makes a ruling that you are not allowed to see your son, there is nothing she can do to stop you.

You NEED to see a lawyer NOW. If this does end up in divorce, your absence from your sons life, whether your fault or not, can be twisted and used AGAINST YOU. You need legal advice now…not later.

I know your wife is hurting and I can’t blame her. I know exactly how she feels, but she is still very wrong, wrong, wrong, inexcusably wrong for using a child against you. You must protect your child’s rights before worrying about alienating your wife. This is a priority.

I suggest you call her tomorrow and tell her you will be there at such and such a time to pick him up and have him ready…and be there at that time. Don’t ask…inform her that it is going to happen.

 

[Lorik]

Tell her you need to see your son. If she doesn’t let you then you have to talk to a lawyer. Your son shouldn’t be punished for his parents’ misbehavior.
What you did was wrong but what she did was wrong, too. To refuse a spouse a physical relationship is also against Church teaching on marriage.
You both have to make the decision to love or it’s not going to work. Love is not always feeling, it’s often a decision.

 

[Saint_Edward]

The biggest mistake you made was confessing to your wife your sin. This has caused both of you a great deal of pain that was unnecessary. Her pain need not have occurred. You should have gone to confession, pray that you never let yourself fall into this type of sinful behavior again and ask God for forgiveness. And then begin to forgive yourself. Honesty is only the best policy when a hurt is not caused to someone else by being honest. You tried to clear your own conscience by confessing to her and the result was you hurt something that was obviously dear to you. Sometimes we sin knowing full well what we are doing is a wrong. None of us are perfect, and God knows this.

There is only one Christian thing your wife can do. Ask you if you love her and then ask if you will again promise to keep your marriage vows. Then she has an obligation to forgive you. Work through this, your marriage will be stronger as a result of it. This goes for both parties.

A priest once said to me that the only reason for a divorce, and if possible an annulment, is that if one spouse tells another that they no longer love them, and now love another. In that example the spouse left behind has no other choice of action. One cannot make another love you.

 

[tutor5]

*QUOTE=Saint Edward;2224627]The biggest mistake you made was confessing to your wife your sin. This has caused both of you a great deal of pain that was unnecessary. Her pain need not have occurred. *

**I disagree totally!!! **(Sorry to confuse you brother ryan… all these oposing opinions must be making your head spin madly!) I see your confession to your wife to be an honest effort to confront the reality… a marriage that was already really suffering. Telling her of your sin has only made matters worse right? Not actually ruined something that was healthy, loving and strong. Honesty is always the best policy, we can’t fool God by hiding the truth so why would you try fooling your spouse?! I believe you showed immense courage in confronting her…much easier to stay silent and say nothing *wouldn’t we all agree??? *

I have hope for you brother ryan, live in hope that Christ can heal your marriage, remember he wants it more than you so give all to him and trust him. All you can do is be like Christ and lay down your life for your bride… EVEN if she appears to hate you… remember Christ was hated too! Trust in your prayers and be patient. Not seeing your precious son right now must be a bitter pain but what good will it do to your wife’s attitude if you do it by force? It will only threaten her already fragile state and push her away further. If you want your son back for good, not just occasionally, then don’t fight for him, fight for your marriage and have it all! If you really are a *good and honest man *she will see the truth (in her time, not yours) and she will gain respect and love for you… which perhaps is the root of the problem in your marriage?? But by goodness… be that MAN! Your sacramental life and good Catholic reading on marriage will ensure that. Plenty of authentic Catholic books available if you’re keen to hunt them out.

I think you’re a man that wants a good marriage like all of us (I’m a married woman I might add!) and you are looking to find how. Ask and you shall receive… it will be given to you!

Your family will be in my prayers.

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

I agree with the ideas about when making amends, to do so unless it would harm another and about putting the emphasis more on the loss in trust of your spouse, which is one of the many evils that result from adultery.

I hear your pain, and I remember in the one Gospel about the adulteress who was about to be stoned to death. Jesus told her her sins were forgiven and to avoid this sin from now on. He told the rest of us to go ahead and throw stones if we were blameless. No stones that day.

To me, all you’re describing reminds me of why some sins are mortal. Are you sure it’s the pain of the guilt of the sin and just wishing the guilt to go away that’s bothering you, like a thief who stole and is caught and says he’s sorry because he got caught and fears punishment-that you just want the pain to go away- or is your turmoil caused by the realization of the pain you’ve caused your family?

I remember during a very promiscuous period in my life when I went to confession- and the priest asked me “do you really want to stop this habit of sin?” Definitely gave me something to think about.

And also, besides Alcoholics Anonymous, there is Al-Anon for your wife. I bet in Al-Anon you’d probably be advised to clean up your side of the street and let others take care of their side.

I also wanted to make a mention about SLAA, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, which is a very fine 12 step program, based on AA’s 12 steps, for your information.

It takes time to regain trust, and it’s your side that dropped the ball.

I also wanted to mention about a comment you made about just kissing or something–>I believe it’s adultery if the lust is in your heart to start with, or something like that, even if nothing physical occurs.

Perhaps this is a big, 'ole wake-up call for you. God is calling you before you get so far from home you won’t be able to find your way back.

Am so grateful that God can write straight with crooked lines.

Blessings to you.

 

[Eliza10]

I have to agree with masondoggy (post #45). And I feel most of all for that child who is being deprived of his bond with his father.

I don’t think obsessing over the relationship is going to heal the husband-wife bond any quicker, but meanwhile, there is this baby, and he is suffering from the loss of a relationship. That relationship is primary because that baby’s need is greatest. It should go on while the parents work it out (which is going to take a load of time). Its wrong for the wife to withhold it, and its wrong for the husband not to intervene and see that his son gets what he needs.

Its true, the courts will see he didn’t care, and will hold it against him, and the big loser in the end will be the son.

 

[Inman]

I wasn’t suggesting that the OP go talk to a lawyer for the purpose of using him or her as a threat or necessarily starting divorce proceedings, etc. The primary purpose, at least initially, is for the OP to understand his rights and the legal ramifications of what’s going on now in their relationship. For example, are there any steps he can take now that would improve his position should a custody battle later develop? (Such steps may very well be consistent with patching up the marriage or at least neutral with regard to the marriage). Conversely is there anything he is doing now that may hurt his position?

I didn’t mean to not be compassionate to his wife. I would tell her the same thing.

 

[Ramalama]

To be completely honest, I’m not sure booze had anything to do with what happened six weeks ago.

Ryan, I don’t know who you’re trying to kid, us or you. I think it’s time to get your head from where it is and put it back on your shoulders.

I hope you get things straightened out, Ryan. God bless you.

 

[whatevergirl]

I would add to that comment, though, that what leads one to drink in the first place, is what is truly the crux of the problem. Drinking, is just a bandaid for the pain. I have an inlaw who goes to AA, Ryan, and he has been married several times…had affairs, etc…AFTER he quit drinking. He said that he finally realized what was ailing him, and that drinking, drugs and women were addictions for him…because they masked the pain.

I’m no counselor, but your story sounds similar to his past. Once he conquered why he drank in the first place, all of his addictive behaviors diminished. He still, after 20 years of being sober, goes to AA…it’s been a great program for him. Just offering some food for thought.

 

[rayne89]

Actually, making children’s needs secondary to adult desires is the much more popular notion in our culture. Some people will hold onto any dysfunctional relationship no matter what it does to their children, and society does not chastise them, but says they “have a right to be happy.”

I was taught through the church the proper order is God first, then spouse, then children, then parents, then extended family and so on. I never said “no matter what”, I thought I was clear about that. What often happens when family life becomes “child centered” the marriage suffers, and children think the world revolves around them. I’m not talking about staying in an abusive situation, or neglecting the children. I’m talking about in normal family life the husband and wife need to make their relationship the central focus. A healthy marriage relationship produces much healthier and happier children.

 

[mesquite_magic]

Ryan. I hope you and your wife can work this out.

I don’t know if telling her was the right thing to do? Better now than later, I guess. Five years into our marriage my ex husband told me about a one night stand he had the night before our wedding. Yeah. He should have kept it to himself at that point. If he had told me right away, I think I could have forgiven him. I loved him enough to work things out back then. Waiting for five years, and the day before he was leaving for Korea for a year, not so much a good time to speak.

If it weren’t for your baby, I’d say just give your wife some breathing room. It’s hard to tell you what to do. I think seeing a lawyer to find out your rights isn’t a bad idea, but it could be detrimental if your wife finds out. She might take that all wrong. I’m sorry, I’m not much help there.

My ex husband is a serious alcoholic. As in,he missed his mother’s funeral because he was to drunk to get on a plane. When I left him, all I wanted was for him to get sober, and stay sober for one year. I wanted to be a family again, but for my and my children’s safety, I had to leave. He, unfortunately, decided that that was his free year to party and boink his buddy’s wife, and any other woman within a five mile radius. I decided our marriage wasn’t worth the fight, because he didn’t seem to think so.

Kuddos to you for being an honest guy. It looks like you are pretty decent. You appear to love your wife and baby very much. Keep doing what you’re doing. You are moving in the right direction. Give your wife a little time to work this out in her head. At the same time, keep trying to see your son. It’s hard to do both, but you’ll find a way. Will her parents talk to you? Can you go through them to see your child?

Good luck to you.

Kim