I Cheated

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kymike20

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I was unfaithful to my wife once recently. I’ve been with my wife for 12 years and cannot imagine my life without her. I know I have betrayed everything we ever stood for and now I will never be able to forgive myself. I cannot bring myself to tell her, for I know it will forever break her heart. I feel unworthy of her and my 3 year old daughter. I might have had a nervous breakdown yesterday over it and I could only bring myself to tell her I felt I did not deserve her or my daughter. I also feel I have extremely betrayed God and I want to move past this. I also work with the women I cheated with - which I’m not sure what I need to do. I have never not loved my wife and I cannot understand why I did it. I hope someone has some advice to help me at least get through the day…b/c that is all I’m doing right now.
 
Call your priest and ask for a private confession. Today would be better than tomorrow, he is more likely busy tomorrow and will not have as much time to talk to you. Otherwise, wait here and see what others tell you, there are some that have GREAT advice.
 
Firstly - go to confession if you haven’t been already. Seek God’s forgiveness, since you offended Him also by your actions. And trust in His mercy and His forgiveness, which He has promised to all who sincerely repent.

Ask the priest’s advice about how to handle the situation with your wife. Don’t do anything without seeking advice. What he tells you will vary depending on the circumstances of your infidelity.

This may sound strange, but if it was a one-off event and unlikely to recur then telling her may in fact not be the right thing to do.

Secondly - seek the advice of a marriage counsellor also, who can help you figure out why you did it, and what you need to do in terms of working with the woman and how to discuss the matter with your wife. At this stage go by yourself - many married people do.

Finally, you and your wife are in my prayers, which I hope will prove helpful, and I would suggest you pray long and hard as well. God hears every sincere prayer, even when we sin, otherwise he’d never hear our prayers for forgiveness, would he?

Leave the judging of what you deserve bit up to God, who is the only one who can judge rightly in any event. I have no doubt you have plenty of great qualities that your wife and child can see in you - they’re still there, even if you have some faults alongside them, and the more you work with your priest and counsellor on those faults the more you’ll grow in those good traits of yours.

God bless.
 
Hello:

Remember people fall down, but that doesn’t mean they can’t get back up again and do better. You can recover from this but you must sever all ties with the OW. That may mean changing jobs if that’s what’s called for.

I’m not sure that telling your wife would do anything good other than to bring her much pain. I know some marriage counsellors advocate this (telling the spouse) but I don’t think I could in your situation.

Take it one day at a time, pray and try to understand why this happened. A good Catholic counsellor could help you alot.

You have my prayers.
 
Dear kymike20

Perhaps my advice is influences too much by my young and naive heart (neither married, nor having experience with infidelity), but I would urge you to tell her the truth. If you do not, the burden of the lie will be added to the sin you already committed. As such it will drive a wedge between you and your love, possibly making everything worse. That is at least what I would do in your shoes, and it is also the kind of honesty that I would expect from my future wife. Better having my wife breaking my heart once (opening up for forgiveness and healing), than having our marriage deteriorating because of a lie. Also there is no guarantee that she will not hear of your infidelity from another source.

The advice about confession and seeking out a (catholic) marriage counselor is undoubtedly a prudent course of action. Listen to what the priest and counselor tells you, and then follow your conscience. However you also need to distance yourself from your coworker, even if that means that you have to find another job. You must be ready to do everything that is needed to save your marriage.

You and your wife are in my prayers.

God bless you
TL
 
You would always have to tell your spouse if you cheated on them. Whether or not they would want to hear it, or whether there will be a breakup.

Marriage is supposed to be truthful, and something as big as this cannot be hidden. Of course you have to work on how you tell her this, seek much advice, prayer, go for confession and get some counselling and then you must.

Just because it was a one off thing doesn’t mean you don’t have to tell. Then together you will work on it.
 
First of all I recommend seeing a Physician. You have exposed yourself and your wife to a very dangerous situation. The stats for the number of young women carrying the Human Papiloma Virus are staggering. And whereas the HPV may not affect you, it can result in cancer in your wife. And there are many, many other STDs.

I am on a web group where the dh was unfaithful, gave his wife HPV, and she did develop cervical cancer. This is information your wife needs to have. She doesn’t deserve to get cancer, because you were very selfish.

I just don’t see how you can say you love your wife if you won’t attempt to find out what you have been exposed to. Check this out now, before she has to suffer for what you have done. She will find out eventually if you have exposed her to something, as she has to get this testing as part of a physical at some point, esp if she were to become pregnant… And that will be a terrible time to find out.

And you need to find a new job. Saying that you don’t know why this happened, or how, is setting yourself up for more situations that you don’t know why they happened. You aren’t taking responsibility for your actions, and also you aren’t going to have any accountability if you keep this a secret. The reason that this happened is that you were not careful, you allowed in-roads to develop, you allowed yourself to get into this situation, very likely over a long period of time… You chose your own excitement at the situation over your wife, over Christ, over your family, and ultimately over the greater good for the person you cheated with. Keeping this a secret will only increase the likelihood that this scenario will repeat itself.

At one point in my marriage my dh was abusing substances secretly at work. He confessed this to a priest, and was given counsel to never tell me the truth, as it would only hurt me. He changed jobs to help him get out of the situation. My dh did decide after several months to tell me what he had hidden from me. It hurt. I didn’t trust him for quite a while, he needed to be not trusted, and he needed to not get away with what he did. It taught him the gravity of the situation. Continuing to hide it only in a way enabled him. He got to journey with me through the pain. Gradually I started to trust him again, I became assured of his love, and stopped panicking every time he walked out the door. Gradually I have been able to stop checking up on him. That is all part of the process of recovery from betrayal. Our marriage is better and stronger because of this, gold tested by fire.

The truth is that the betrayal has happened, now start the healing process. The time to prevent the heartache was before you betrayed her, not after… Stop being selfish and trying to protect yourself.
 
I have no advice for you but will keep your family in my prayers. I know of marriages that have survived this type of issue and I hope that yours is one.
 
I just wanted to add, that the reason I thought he was worthy of trust was that he on his own demonstrated that he was taking responsiblity for his actions. He demonstrated a willingness to do whatever he could to make this right. I really admired him for this.

Praying for you and your family.
 
LilyM said:
Firstly - go to confession if you haven’t been already. Seek God’s forgiveness, since you offended Him also by your actions. And trust in His mercy and His forgiveness, which He has promised to all who sincerely repent.

Ask the priest’s advice about how to handle the situation with your wife. Don’t do anything without seeking advice. What he tells you will vary depending on the circumstances of your infidelity.

This may sound strange, but if it was a one-off event and unlikely to recur then telling her may in fact not be the right thing to do.

Secondly - seek the advice of a marriage counsellor also, who can help you figure out why you did it, and what you need to do in terms of working with the woman and how to discuss the matter with your wife. At this stage go by yourself - many married people do.
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I totally agree with this advice. As a wife who was told about an infidelity 7 years after the fact, this was information I could have lived my life without. I would definitely seek the counsel of a priest before bringing it up to your wife. Also seek counseling, something has gone awry because you chose to break your marriage vows.

You also need to get a different job, get away from the temptation. And get to the doctor to make sure you haven’t contracted anything you can pass on to your wife.
 
I have not been married a long time, only 5 years, so this is more of a question but I am really shocked to hear advice of NOT to tell your spoud of infedelity. Is this normal? Would my wife really not want to know?

Doesn’t that also make the person who commited adultry less accountable for the action? If I cheated on my wife, and didn’t tell her and after 5 or so years she still didn’t know, I’d feel like I “got away” with something. How can you heal from that?

Honest questions, not opinons. I am surprised.
 
TallyCatholic said:
I have not been married a long time, only 5 years, so this is more of a question but I am really shocked to hear advice of NOT to tell your spoud of infedelity. Is this normal? Would my wife really not want to know?

Doesn’t that also make the person who commited adultry less accountable for the action? If I cheated on my wife, and didn’t tell her and after 5 or so years she still didn’t know, I’d feel like I “got away” with something. How can you heal from that?

Honest questions, not opinons. I am surprised.
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Actually my husband not telling did not make him feel as if he got away with something -it was eating him up with guilt. He actually finally told me because he couldn’t handle it anymore. I never in a million years would have suspected it and turned my world up-side-down. Truthfully, I didn’t let him tell me anything more than that it happened while he was in the military - I didn’t want to know when, where or with whom this was happening when I thought everything was fine. I did not want to look back at that time and have my memory of it destroyed with that information.We were already dealing with the effects of his alcoholism and I had enough bad memories.

We’ve never discussed it at all since the night he told me. I worked through it on my own, well with God -it took a couple years; and apparently my husband did to.

We did do retrouvaille, and have a strong faith life now which we did not have when this all came out. My marriage is now rock solid and we are very happily married. For my husband’s sanity I’m glad for him that he told me, but not for myself. It wasn’t a habitual behavior, it was over, it was a huge error in judgement when we were young and first married and he was away from home often while serving in the military, and it never happened again.

Others feel differently and that’s ok. I can only speak for me. If a person can handle it sometimes it better to take such hurtful information to the grave as long as it confessed to God through the priest in confession.
 
TallyCatholic said:
I have not been married a long time, only 5 years, so this is more of a question but I am really shocked to hear advice of NOT to tell your spoud of infedelity. Is this normal? Would my wife really not want to know?

Doesn’t that also make the person who commited adultry less accountable for the action? If I cheated on my wife, and didn’t tell her and after 5 or so years she still didn’t know, I’d feel like I “got away” with something. How can you heal from that?

Honest questions, not opinons. I am surprised.
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The only one who gets anything out of telling is the one who committed the adultery – and usually their only reason for telling is make themselves feel better. They lighten their conscience at the expense of their spouse’s peace of mind.

OTOH, if it’s an ongoing thing spouse needs to know to protect him/herself.
 
While I can somewhat understand the position of posters who argue against telling your spouse about an infidelity…

I do think the OP should be tested for STDs. And some STDs take awhile to exhibit themselves (my understanding is that HIV can take up to 6 months). In that case, the OP has to give his wife a reason for abstaining from relations in his marriage for a considerable period of time…

Also, if they have had relations as a husband and wife, shouldn’t his wife be aware of the risk so if she notices anything, she knows to seek medical attention?

I guess what I’m saying is that you can argue about not burdening your wife’s conscience, but if your wife’s health and possibly life could be endangered, she really needs to know that. So while you may not tell her to lighten your guilt, you need to tell her to make her aware of the risk you have put her at.

I mean doesn’t this make sense?

I would be emotionally devastated if my husband cheated on me. It would take quite a bit of counseling to save our marriage… But I would be livid if I knew he’d exposed me to the possibility of STDs (and having relations outside of marriage does just that) and not told me…allowing me to not be watchful for symptoms and possibly endanger any children by not being very careful.

THAT would definitely add years to counseling…
 
Phemie said:
The only one who gets anything out of telling is the one who committed the adultery – and usually their only reason for telling is make themselves feel better. They lighten their conscience at the expense of their spouse’s peace of mind.

OTOH, if it’s an ongoing thing spouse needs to know to protect him/herself.
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I’ve got to say I totally agree with this - IF this was a one-time thing; while telling may make YOU feel better, it NEVER makes the innocent spouse feel better. (This from good friends who have been through this.) You can also urge your wife to get regular PAP smears, etc., which she should be doing anyway.

Go to confession ASAP, get some good Catholic counseling for yourself, and realize that the burden of guilt you will likely still carry can be viewed as a just punishment; perhaps that might make you better able to stay on the straight and narrow, never stray again, and not unduly burden your wife.

I’m the sort who can’t keep a secret, keep worries to myself, etc., ; I just HAVE to tell someone, even if silence would be prudent. It would be a true penance for me to have to keep this to myself so as not to hurt someone I love.

God bless. I am praying for you both.
 
Happywife said:
First of all I recommend seeing a Physician. You have exposed yourself and your wife to a very dangerous situation. The stats for the number of young women carrying the Human Papiloma Virus are staggering. And whereas the HPV may not affect you, it can result in cancer in your wife. And there are many, many other STDs.

I am on a web group where the dh was unfaithful, gave his wife HPV, and she did develop cervical cancer. This is information your wife needs to have. She doesn’t deserve to get cancer, because you were very selfish.
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Happywife, you are 100% correct. Thank you for addressing this very important aspect of the situation.
 
dixieagle said:
I’ve got to say I totally agree with this - IF this was a one-time thing; while telling may make YOU feel better, it NEVER makes the innocent spouse feel better. (This from good friends who have been through this.) You can also urge your wife to get regular PAP smears, etc., which she should be doing anyway.
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PAP smears don’t pick up every possible STD.

And it only takes one time to give someone an STD.
 
Phemie said:
The only one who gets anything out of telling is the one who committed the adultery – and usually their only reason for telling is make themselves feel better. They lighten their conscience at the expense of their spouse’s peace of mind.

OTOH, if it’s an ongoing thing spouse needs to know to protect him/herself.
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I totally agree. I guess it depends on the situation though. If it was on on-going thing or if he didn’t use a condom during his adultry…I mean, his wife shouldn’t have to be sickened or die for his sin. Also, he should consider his child and what will happen to her life if his wife chooses to leave him. I personally am not in the position to be able to leave my husband. We have 4 very small children. If he had done the same, I’d rather him repent and let his guilt eat at him in silence. No need to ruin my life and cause me such pain. No need to further jeopardize my children’s home and family. I’m afraid he wouldn’t receive a lot of loving forgiveness from me, only cause us both several years of misery. I’d rather he suffer for his sins alone than invite me to join him. 🤷 Not that I think my husband would be unfaithful…but I guess you just never know.😦

I have a very close friend whose husband had an affair and his sister found out and forced him to tell his wife. She tried to get passed it, but after 4 years of heartache, distrust, and misery, she divorced him. They are all miserable now, husband, wife and three sons. All of their lives have been torn apart.
 
I am very sorry for what you are going through, and I’ll say a prayer for you. I don’t have any advice to offer besides what others have said (esp. about getting tested for STDs). I so wish that people who are entertaining thoughts of cheating would read these threads and realize what they are really getting themselves into. But the world, the flesh, and the devil work together to close our eyes and our ears, and it’s only too easy to think with our glands rather than our brains. Speaking for myself, I would rather be told the truth if my H had cheated. It’s easier for me to deal with the hard cold facts of even the worst situation than to be kept in the dark, esp. if I find out some years later that I was lied to. At least I could be proactive about my health, and also maybe we could get counseling together, go to Retrouvaille, or whatever to work on the issues led him to stray. But that’s just me… 🤷
 
Who would benefit from kymike telling his wife? Not his wife, that’s for sure, not right now, anyway, while he’s still in an emotional bag about the whole thing? This is a delicate thing. I know. My ex decided to tell me about his unfaithfulness, so he could be “honest” with me. I really didn’t need to hear it. He felt better. I certainly did not. I felt ugly, used, emotionally beat-up and shattered. And he is now my ex.

Mike, please go to confession as soon as you possibly can. See what your priest says. Get tested for STDs. See a counselor yourself, first, one from catholictherapists.com or exceptionalmarriages.com. Then figure out how to proceed.

You have my prayers.
 
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