I converted 5 months ago and I need help

[chasingcars]

So I became Catholic in May and I’ve had some struggles during these five months. I hope you guys could help me.

First up is the Church’s teaching on marriage. I have** very** negative feelings about the fact that those converts who have remarried (or married someone who’s divorced) can’t receive sacraments and that the Church doesn’t fully welcome them into the family and treats them as “2nd class Catholics”. Just to make it clear, I myself am not in this situation because I’m not married (and haven’t ever been) but I feel very bad for those who would like to follow Jesus but get rejected by the Church. For a little while I even thought that I probably wouldn’t had joined the Church at all if I was in that situation but I changed my mind. Now I think I would have joined the Church but I would had kept it a secret from everyone… And if I was in that situation I’d most likely attend Mass in secresy in a Parish where nobody knew me and never attend prayer meetings, youth clubs etc. and stay far away from other Catholics… So in short: I’ve struggled with this a lot.

The other thing is that I’m very worried about my future (I’m 18). I think it’s nearly impossible to find a good Catholic (or even a Christian) husband in this very secular and Protestant country where Catholics are a very small minority. Finding a man who accepts the Church’s teachings on premarital sex, cohabitating and contraception and doesn’t have a problem with me raising the children to follow the Catholic faith is going to be so so so hard and it depresses me. Maybe I’m just going to stay single for the rest of my life because at the end of the day Jesus is the only man I need.

Despite all this, I still feel like becoming Catholic was the right thing to do and I strongly believe that Jesus is happy I did it. I just need a bit help.

 

[Joan92]

Pretty sure I can say that Jesus is happy you converted to the Catholic faith. Welcome home.

If you’re 18 years old and unmarried, don’t worry about random married converts trying to receive sacraments. That’s not your issue in front of you. I think if I were you I would focus on discerning God’s will for YOUR life. And also if I really were you, I would spend time and Adoration at my parish. Also, I would get involved in Parish life–find out about their “young adults” group so you increase the odds of meeting a faithful Catholic man to marry.

There’s an expression that “you become like the five people you are surrounded with the most.” I think that’s very true. Try to list the five people you interact with the most hours of each day. If you have positive coworkers you are usually more positive. If you have a sarcastic, cynical family members-you’re most likely sarcastic too. If you have negative, cranky friends you’re usually more negative and cranky. If you have holy friends it will help you become more holy. Find really excellent Catholic friends.

God bless!

 

[Mary_Ellen]

Regarding the Church’s position on divorced and remarried persons, it was Christ himself who said that one who divorces and remarries commits adultry - that’s a very serious sin, one which involves both people in the second relationship. And St. Paul warned that receiving communion unworthily was dangerous. The Church is simply protecting the person(s) in adultry from heaping sin upon sin by keeping them from communion rail. This is actually an act of Charity on Her part.

The Church welcomes divorced persons into the worshiping community. The law that commands we attend Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation applies to them, too. They simply cannot receive the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of the Second Person of the Most Holy Trinity when they persist in their mortally sinful state.

 

[Mintaka]

Whenever a Catholic is in deep disagreement with the Church, or otherwise doesn’t feel properly disposed towards fellow worshippers or family or what-have-you, the usual thing is to refrain from Communion. Just like if you accidentally ate a donut before Mass, or you’re not in a state of grace. Same-same in practice, even if there are different degrees of seriousness in what is keeping you from Communion.

So for example, when I was a kid and my brothers and I were fighting in the car going to church, my mother often warned us that we were not going to be properly disposed for Communion if we kept on like that. And there were many times when I couldn’t forgive my brothers before Communion, so I didn’t receive.

This is normal practice. It wasn’t a horrific oppression of me; it was me recognizing that I wasn’t ready to receive Communion.

So yeah, if I were to get married, divorce the guy, and be living in sin with some other guy who wasn’t my husband except in civil law, of course I wouldn’t receive! Nobody would have to tell me to stay out of the Communion line, because I would know!

Heck, what kind of living in sin Catholic would I be, if I couldn’t acknowledge that I was living in sin? Where’s the fun and drama in that? Where’s the out-stubborning God? Where’s the sweet sweet defiance and the skating on the edge of Hell, if it doesn’t matter what hellish thing I do?

And where would be the love when I finally figured out that I had done something that was wrong, and that God was still calling me to fix it and come home? How can you repent on your deathbed, if nobody ever indicates that you need to repent and that it matters?

(And this is why there are a lot of great Catholic novelists out there… most Catholic cultures are all about the drama and the choices and the stubborn.)

And yes, I know a lady who did remarry after divorce. She probably could have gotten an annulment, but her non-Catholic 2nd husband wasn’t really interested into getting his previous marriage annulled (although there were grounds). Personally, I would have just gone ahead on the sly and gotten it all annulled, because my family is stubborn like that, but she didn’t. And since she had integrity even in her sins and mistakes, she didn’t go confess it or receive Communion until her 2nd husband passed away recently. She may or may not have been living in sin, but by God she wasn’t going to give scandal too. She wasn’t going to say she was sorry when she wasn’t quite sorry yet.

Obviously it’s better to be obedient and prudent and loving, and to always be well-disposed and well-prepared to receive. But not receiving on purpose, for good reason, is to be humble about discerning Christ’s Body and Blood, and being careful about Him.

And it’s not something that makes you a “second-class Catholic.” It’s an extremely Catholic thing to do, or to be asked to do. It’s what puts the medicine in “medicinal penalty,” and it’s an act of great humility for those who do it out of a sense of God’s justice. (Or out of a sense that they can out-stubborn God and the Church, which would be my reason.)

Being offended and upset on behalf of people like my friend, who have worked and suffered because they are faithful even while sinning or being imprudent – well, it insults them to assume that they are oppressed. It’s like insisting that a Discalced Carmelite start wearing snowboots, because seeing them in sandals makes you feel cold. Let publicly penitent people be penitent, for goodness’ sake!

On the other hand, obviously it’s correct to want justice for people. If somebody’s marriage legitimately should be annulled, let’s get on with it. Nobody needs to rush it, but these things shouldn’t be stalled or kept obscure from people.

Re: marriage, it’s a little soon to be depressed! As long as there is one man out there who is good marriage material, you can get him! (God willing!) So start looking in places where there are Catholic/Christian men, and you will find someone.

 

[Polluted]

It’s funny but for me it’s the opposite. I have a problem when the American tribunals are too lenient and try to stamp an “annulment” on a 30 year marriage with kids involved.

 

[Della]

So I became Catholic in May and I’ve had some struggles during these five months. I hope you guys could help me.

We’ll do our best.

First up is the Church’s teaching on marriage. I have** very** negative feelings about the fact that those converts who have remarried (or married someone who’s divorced) can’t receive sacraments and that the Church doesn’t fully welcome them into the family and treats them as “2nd class Catholics”.

The words you chose here are loaded and biased indicating that you’ve listened to the world’s interpretation of these peoples’ problem instead of the Church’s answers for it.

No one is being treated like 2nd class citizens. First of all, we are not citizens of the Church but rather members of the body of Christ–a bit difference in perspective. And remarried couples haven’t been “rejected” at all. They are free to attend Mass, pray, join parish groups, go to confession, etc. They may not receive communion or be extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion until their marriages are regularized. For some it’s an easy process–it was for my husband whose first marriage was annulled do to lack of canonical form. For others the process is lengther, one which Pope Francis has recently reformed to make it simpler in some cases.

Just to make it clear, I myself am not in this situation because I’m not married (and haven’t ever been) but I feel very bad for those who would like to follow Jesus but get rejected by the Church. For a little while I even thought that I probably wouldn’t had joined the Church at all if I was in that situation but I changed my mind. Now I think I would have joined the Church but I would had kept it a secret from everyone… And if I was in that situation I’d most likely attend Mass in secresy in a Parish where nobody knew me and never attend prayer meetings, youth clubs etc. and stay far away from other Catholics… So in short: I’ve struggled with this a lot.

Again with the overreaction. Live your Catholic faith and trust in God. There is absolutely no reason for you to have any of these thoughts or fears.

The other thing is that I’m very worried about my future (I’m 18). I think it’s nearly impossible to find a good Catholic (or even a Christian) husband in this very secular and Protestant country where Catholics are a very small minority.

That’s again a perception, not the reality. Catholics are not a “very small minority.” In my state Catholics make up about half the population.

Finding a man who accepts the Church’s teachings on premarital sex, cohabitating and contraception and doesn’t have a problem with me raising the children to follow the Catholic faith is going to be so so so hard and it depresses me. Maybe I’m just going to stay single for the rest of my life because at the end of the day Jesus is the only man I need.

This is nothing more than gloomy hyperbole, my dear. Do you really think that God is not able to help you find a good Catholic man? If there are few eligible young men where you live, you can try a Catholic online dating site or join your parish’s youth group. If you go to college seek out other Catholics and go to Mass with them. IOW, do a little looking and don’t be content with the first Catholic guy you date. And most of all, pray that God will lead you in all you do and be the kind of Catholic woman a good Catholic man will want to marry.

Despite all this, I still feel like becoming Catholic was the right thing to do and I strongly believe that Jesus is happy I did it. I just need a bit help.

You are being deceived and tempted by the evil one who loves to sow doubt, fear, and misunderstanding. At your point in life the problems of remarried Catholics is the least of your worries. Trust in God and in his promises to his Church and all will be well.

 

[Della]

It’s funny but for me it’s the opposite. I have a problem when the American tribunals are too lenient and try to stamp an “annulment” on a 30 year marriage with kids involved.

I think you have to prove that the American tribunals are too “lenient” instead of just throwing out such a statement as undisputed fact. You sound like you want to chastise the Church for being too lenient, on the one hand, then turn around and castigate it for not recognizing long-term invalid marriages. Which is it?

The length of an invalid marriage and the number of children has nothing to do with any marriage’s validity. God is eternal, our lives on earth are brief, even if 30 years seems like a long time to us. The length of a second marriage where the first one has not been declared as null does not justify it since it ought not to have been entered into in the first place. There are remedies if couples are willing to employ them. Our eternal souls are worth far more than our pride or the bad decisions we make in life.

 

[AKDee]

We converted at the same time, I think! I was baptized/confirmed at Easter 2015 myself.

I think the most important thing to realize is that this is not a “Church teaching”- this is Christ’s teaching on marriage, that marriage is indissoluble. This teaching has been available to all Christians from the beginning, but many protestant denominations don’t follow that teaching to some degree and so there are a lot of divorced people out there. The Church is not trying to be a stumbling block, but it cannot change Christ’s teachings either. And it’s not that the divorced/remarried are not welcome in the Church, but they cannot receive the Eucharist because you must be in a state of grace in order to receive it, and they cannot be in a state of grace while living in a state of adultery.

It is a hard teaching. It’s one that is causing a struggle in my own life right now. But it is Christ’s teaching, and so we cannot reject it. The Church must faithfully hold to Christ’s teachings.

 

[paperwight66]

.

The Church welcomes divorced persons into the worshiping community. The law that commands we attend Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation applies to them, too. They simply cannot receive the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of the Second Person of the Most Holy Trinity when they persist in their mortally sinful state.

I think you may be giving the wrong impression here.

Divorced people ARE allowed to receive Holy Communion.

It’s the divorced and remarried who aren’t. Did you mean to say ‘divorced and remarried’?

 

[Jack_Common]

The other thing is that I’m very worried about my future (I’m 18). I think it’s nearly impossible to find a good Catholic (or even a Christian) husband in this very secular and Protestant country where Catholics are a very small minority. Finding a man who accepts the Church’s teachings on premarital sex, cohabitating and contraception and doesn’t have a problem with me raising the children to follow the Catholic faith is going to be so so so hard and it depresses me. Maybe I’m just going to stay single for the rest of my life because at the end of the day Jesus is the only man I need.

Don’t worry. Christ tells us to “not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” These feelings of anxiety and despair are a spiritual attack. You need to fortify yourself with prayer. Do not rely on your own strength, but put yourself in Christ’s hands through prayer. Despair is a sin, and in a sense the greatest of sins because once you lose hope (the definition of despair) you give up on everything and become spiritually dead. We can’t overcome these sins ourselves, we need Christ and the prayers of the saints, so resort to them through prayer. God knows everything you need; He has a plan for you that you will fulfil if you trust in Him. All you need to do is put yourself in His care day by day, and let Him worry about tomorrow for you.

I have** very** negative feelings about the fact that those converts who have remarried (or married someone who’s divorced) can’t receive sacraments and that the Church doesn’t fully welcome them into the family and treats them as “2nd class Catholics”. Just to make it clear, I myself am not in this situation because I’m not married (and haven’t ever been) but I feel very bad for those who would like to follow Jesus but get rejected by the Church.

The Church isn’t rejecting these people, it’s these people that are, in a sense, rejecting the Church, because they are denying the Church’s teaching (which is also Christ’s teaching) on marriage. When they got married they made a vow to God to not break the sanctity of that marriage until death. When they divorced they broke that sanctity and by marrying another they then go on to commit adultery, because in God’s eyes the first marriage is still active. Think about getting married to someone and them swearing before God to be with you for the rest of their lives, and them leaving you to marry someone else. God could not allow that, and neither can the Church. It’s the sanctity of marriage that’s at stake. In the Church marriage is a sacrament, it’s a holy bond formed by Christ Himself. Nobody has a right to break that bond. It’s a sad thing, but it’s their own responsibility when they chose to go against Christ and His Church by divorcing and remarrying. You can’t say these people are following Christ and the Church is rejecting them. Christ and the Church are One; the Church is Christ’s mystical body. If you disobey the Church, you disobey Christ. The Church is the instrument through which Christ speaks to us publicly.

 

[gus]

So I became Catholic in May and I’ve had some struggles during these five months. I hope you guys could help me.

First up is the Church’s teaching on marriage. I have** very** negative feelings about the fact that those converts who have remarried (or married someone who’s divorced) can’t receive sacraments and that the Church doesn’t fully welcome them into the family and treats them as “2nd class Catholics”. Just to make it clear, I myself am not in this situation because I’m not married (and haven’t ever been) but I feel very bad for those who would like to follow Jesus but get rejected by the Church. For a little while I even thought that I probably wouldn’t had joined the Church at all if I was in that situation but I changed my mind. Now I think I would have joined the Church but I would had kept it a secret from everyone… And if I was in that situation I’d most likely attend Mass in secresy in a Parish where nobody knew me and never attend prayer meetings, youth clubs etc. and stay far away from other Catholics… So in short: I’ve struggled with this a lot.

The other thing is that I’m very worried about my future (I’m 18). I think it’s nearly impossible to find a good Catholic (or even a Christian) husband in this very secular and Protestant country where Catholics are a very small minority. Finding a man who accepts the Church’s teachings on premarital sex, cohabitating and contraception and doesn’t have a problem with me raising the children to follow the Catholic faith is going to be so so so hard and it depresses me. Maybe I’m just going to stay single for the rest of my life because at the end of the day Jesus is the only man I need.

Despite all this, I still feel like becoming Catholic was the right thing to do and I strongly believe that Jesus is happy I did it. I just need a bit help.

How wold you feel if I dumped my wife of many years and married a young women ,
Should I still be Entitled to receive the Body of Christ
When I reject my wife for an relationship that Jesus would consider Adultery.
Haven’t I made the decision

 

[Casilda]

the church welcomes divorced persons into the worshiping community. The law that commands we attend mass on sundays and holy days of obligation applies to them, too. They simply cannot receive the body, blood, soul, and divinity of the second person of the most holy trinity when they persist in their mortally sinful state.

**this is a pernicious falsehood that has destroyed the spiritual wellbeing of many unfortunate souls. A divorced person is welcomed to receive, it is the unrepentant adulterer that is not. Being divorced is not sinful, a state that may have been brought on by the other spouse abandoning the marriage. **

 

[Mummsie]

Welcome Home So very happy for you.

It is great that you found CAF to ask your questions. You will get some very good answers here.

Everyone has pretty much answered your first question. As for finding a good husband, relax, breathe and trust in God. You are at a very special time in your life. Ask God what He wants you to do. Ask with an open heart and He will lead you. Maybe not as quickly as you would like, but he will lead you.

I suggest you might try looking up the divorced/remarried question in the Catechism. It is a great resource for answers.

Keep praying.

God Bless You.

 

[chasingcars]

How wold you feel if I dumped my wife of many years and married a young women ,
Should I still be Entitled to receive the Body of Christ
When I reject my wife for an relationship that Jesus would consider Adultery.
Haven’t I made the decision

I was talking about converts. They didn’t know it was wrong to remarry so they haven’t “made the decision”. How would you feel if you wanted to become Catholic but get told that though you can have your name in the Parish’s member register and attend Mass you’re still in a state of mortal sin so you can’t fully enter the Church and if you don’t repent and “fix the situation” (=leave your spouse) before you die you’ll go to Hell? What a warm welcome.

 

[Casilda]

I was talking about converts. They didn’t know it was wrong to remarry so they haven’t “made the decision”. How would you feel if you wanted to become Catholic but get told that though you can have your name in the Parish’s member register and attend Mass you’re still in a state of mortal sin so you can’t fully enter the Church and if you don’t repent and “fix the situation” (=leave your spouse) before you die you’ll go to Hell? What a warm welcome.

Or, as my case, I was raised in the church until I was 9. I married a Christian, then just over 30 years later, he wanted to become Catholic. I was told my marriage was invalid (among other things such as without form, illicit, etc.). Both my husband and I were treated very wrongly by ill trained church staff. I knew what I had learned in the Bible, not to be unequally yoked, so I married a Christian, who then wanted to be Catholic. You can say I lived out 1 Corinthians 7

12 To the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner desires to separate, let it be so; in such a case the brother or sister is not bound. For God has called us to peace. 16 Wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?

For me to be reconciled to the church included leaving my husband of over 30 years. That does damage to a person’s psyche. I have not recovered. My marriage has not recovered even though it was convalidated. My husband did become an Eastern Catholic and now involved in an apostolate mission. But my faith in the church as it exists today is damaged. I still have faith in God, in Jesus and in the Holy Spirit, as He is the one who sustained me when I was not allowed to go to church.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

I was talking about converts. They didn’t know it was wrong to remarry so they haven’t “made the decision”. How would you feel if you wanted to become Catholic but get told that though you can have your name in the Parish’s member register and attend Mass you’re still in a state of mortal sin so you can’t fully enter the Church and if you don’t repent and “fix the situation” (=leave your spouse) before you die you’ll go to Hell? What a warm welcome.

• I’ve never had my name in any parish register since the age of 11. Never occurred to me to want it. Not sure I do now you’ve put the idea into my head.
• Read Della’s post, her first main paragraph.
• When they made you a convert they should have told you what a mortal sin is. It’s not what you have described.
• When they made the people you mention converts they should have catechised them also. They should have told them the things in Della’s post, in her first main paragraph, as well as most of the other threads on the same subject.
• Not only is no member here able to guess what is in those couples’ souls, you aren’t able to guess who might be guessing it either.
• Having encountered those who are not committed to catechising, I can tell you it hurts unspeakably decades later.
• I’m chronically single and it’s easy for me. I’m not contradicting Casilda.
• The rest of us NEED the example of those who model for us spiritual communion, participation in internal graces without outward signs, e.g are you able to intercede, evangelise, do works of mercy, be interceded for, develop virtues. Their faith will be rewarded.

 

[Della]

For me to be reconciled to the church included leaving my husband of over 30 years. That does damage to a person’s psyche. I have not recovered.

Why did you have to leave him? I’m confused–truly, I’m not trolling. The Church does not insist that couples break up, it only asks that they live as brother and sister until their marriage is regularized. If you actually parted, living in separate residences I’m surprised because that’s not required. I hope you didn’t feel you had to live apart during that time. If you did I can see how that would be quite difficult for you both. :console:

My marriage has not recovered even though it was convalidated. My husband did become an Eastern Catholic and now involved in an apostolate mission. But my faith in the church as it exists today is damaged. I still have faith in God, in Jesus and in the Holy Spirit, as He is the one who sustained me when I was not allowed to go to church.

You weren’t allowed to go to church? Again, why? No Catholic parish should tell people they can’t attend Mass or be involved in the parish until their marriages are regularized. Again, I’m puzzled and alarmed. If you were kept from attending Mass and/or shunned that should never have happened. If it did, I’m terribly sorry. It wouldn’t have happened at any of the parishes in my diocese I can tell you that. :yup:

It can be hard to let go of hurts caused by others who probably mean well but do things the wrong way or make things difficult that don’t have to be. These are the kinds of sufferings we can offer to Christ as a part of his sufferings. He too was rejected and shunned, and worse. Remember that the Church isn’t just the local parish nor individuals who do things they shouldn’t–it’s the whole people of God throughout the world. So, forgive those who hurt you in the Church and love Christ’s Church–the one he laid down his life for–the one that sustains us and gives us the graces for eternal life, and be at peace, my dear.

 

[Mary_Ellen]

I think you may be giving the wrong impression here.

Divorced people ARE allowed to receive Holy Communion.

It’s the divorced and remarried who aren’t. Did you mean to say ‘divorced and remarried’?

Yes, I meant divorced and remarried. Thank you for the clarification.

 

[Casilda]

Why did you have to leave him? I’m confused–truly, I’m not trolling. The Church does not insist that couples break up, it only asks that they live as brother and sister until their marriage is regularized. If you actually parted, living in separate residences I’m surprised because that’s not required. I hope you didn’t feel you had to live apart during that time.

We were told by a deacon that our marriage was not a marriage and it would be best to live separately while waiting for convalidation.

When an enquirer, a potential convert or a revert approaches a Catholic church there should be trained staff there to do the intake interviews. A priest never really knows how many people are discouraged by misinformation. I tell everyone to speak directly to a priest for information, because I was so misled by others. No one knew what to do with my husband and me, we approached six different parishes, received six different, erroneous answers on how to be reconciled/revert/convert.

 

[Della]

We were told by a deacon that our marriage was not a marriage and it would be best to live separately while waiting for convalidation.

Well, that was a bit too harsh, as I understand it. Living as brother and sister would have served you just as well. It’s not like you were causing scandal since you had been married for some years, yes? Again I sorry you had to go through the mess you did.

When an enquirer, a potential convert or a revert approaches a Catholic church there should be trained staff there to do the intake interviews. A priest never really knows how many people are discouraged by misinformation. I tell everyone to speak directly to a priest for information, because I was so misled by others. No one knew what to do with my husband and me, we approached six different parishes, received six different, erroneous answers on how to be reconciled/revert/convert.

I agree. That is something the diocese ought to do–to have a standard set of questions and answers for inquirers. This has become an issue in the Church these days because of the number of divorced and remarried couples either coming into the Church or returning to the Church. Which is why the synod on families has been convened and a permanent council established. Hopefully, these issues will be ironed out and the process made simplier and more reliable for those who need it.