I desperately need to emotionally detach

[skigirl1689]

I live with my parents due to my physical disability, and it is beginning to wear on me. I have always been very emotionally sensitive and pick up on other people’s moods. I am also very emotionally expressive; I have a hard time not crying.

Anyways, my parents have a rocky relationship. One will do something that sets the other one off, and it will just snowball from there. Tonight, for example, my dad criticized my mom’s cooking (he is also very paranoid and, though unrelated to the paranoia, will not cook; and my mom wonders if he is showing signs of dementia…sign). She shut down emotionally for the rest of the night, wouldn’t talk to either of us, and I ended up having an anxiety attack and cried for quite a long time.

I cannot easily move out; we live in a remote area and services are scarce…not that my dad would let me; I’ll likely live with them until he dies. I figure I need to somehow emotionally detach from their disagreements, arguments, basically everything when they’re together as I will likely be in this situation for another 20 years. That thought really depresses me, and sometimes I find myself begging God for an escape.

My problem is that detachment is not natural to me. I want to fix things to make it better, and my emotions get the best of me. I really don’t have anyone to confide in as I am totally dependent on my parents and divulging their marital issues is probably not appropriate for me to do in any situation. I try not to discuss it even with my sisters as they have their own lives and issues to deal with. I have been spending a lot more time in my room, but I have begun to just dread dinnertime when they usually have spats or sit in an uncomfortable silence with me in the middle.

Any advice would be helpful. I am sure as they get older, the pattern will continue, and only get worse, sadly.

 

[Xantippe]

I live with my parents due to my physical disability, and it is beginning to wear on me. I have always been very emotionally sensitive and pick up on other people’s moods. I am also very emotionally expressive; I have a hard time not crying.

Anyways, my parents have a rocky relationship. One will do something that sets the other one off, and it will just snowball from there. Tonight, for example, my dad criticized my mom’s cooking (he is also very paranoid and, though unrelated to the paranoia, will not cook; and my mom wonders if he is showing signs of dementia…sign). She shut down emotionally for the rest of the night, wouldn’t talk to either of us, and I ended up having an anxiety attack and cried for quite a long time.

I cannot easily move out; we live in a remote area and services are scarce…not that my dad would let me; I’ll likely live with them until he dies. I figure I need to somehow emotionally detach from their disagreements, arguments, basically everything when they’re together as I will likely be in this situation for another 20 years. That thought really depresses me, and sometimes I find myself begging God for an escape.

My problem is that detachment is not natural to me. I want to fix things to make it better, and my emotions get the best of me. I really don’t have anyone to confide in as I am totally dependent on my parents and divulging their marital issues is probably not appropriate for me to do in any situation. I try not to discuss it even with my sisters as they have their own lives and issues to deal with. I have been spending a lot more time in my room, but I have begun to just dread dinnertime when they usually have spats or sit in an uncomfortable silence with me in the middle.

Any advice would be helpful. I am sure as they get older, the pattern will continue, and only get worse, sadly.

A little city apartment with good access to public transportation and shopping would be perfect for you and give you so much more independence.

If that’s out of reach, can you arrange with your sisters or other relatives for you to come visit every so often? Even a two-day visit would be a great relief to you, without unduly burdening them. If you have any special skills or are good with children, you might find yourself very much in demand. I think it’s quite fair to allude somewhat vaguely to your parents’ marital issues to your sisters or perhaps to say something like, “I think mom and dad would enjoy a little time alone. Could I come and visit 4th of July weekend?” I have to warn you that there is the awful possibility that your sisterly get together might morph into a visit for you, your mom and your dad, but it’s worth the risk.

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.

 

[UbiCaritas]

A little city apartment with good access to public transportation and shopping would be perfect for you and give you so much more independence.

If that’s out of reach, can you arrange with your sisters or other relatives for you to come visit every so often? Even a two-day visit would be a great relief to you, without unduly burdening them. If you have any special skills or are good with children, you might find yourself very much in demand. I think it’s quite fair to allude somewhat vaguely to your parents’ marital issues to your sisters or perhaps to say something like, “I think mom and dad would enjoy a little time alone. Could I come and visit 4th of July weekend?” I have to warn you that there is the awful possibility that your sisterly get together might morph into a visit for you, your mom and your dad, but it’s worth the risk.

OP, if I may make the suggestion–if there’s any way at all to get out of that situation, such as moving to the sort of place described above, then try to do it. I found that putting physical distance between me and my parents increased my own sanity and peace of mind to no end. Being surrounded by constant bickering and unhappiness doesn’t do anyone any good. You may also find that your emotional sensitivity may calm down a bit once you aren’t constantly under huge emotional stress by being in the situation you describe. Getting screened for depression might not be a bad idea, either. Living under those conditions is enough to make anyone depressed.

If you’re over 18, your dad cannot make you stay home. There are almost certainly some programs in your area geared towards teaching you how to live on your own. (You might sell these to your parents as, “Mom and Dad, I appreciate more than I can ever say everything you’ve done for me. However, you won’t be here forever, and I need to take steps to ensure that I can take care of myself to the best of my ability sooner rather than later.”) I suggest doing some research into them. Counselors, occupational therapists, social workers, etc may have a whole host of ideas on how you can accomplish this. Perhaps ask your sisters if there are any apartments near them that are reasonably-priced but in a decent area of town?

 

[WilT]

OP,… You may also find that your emotional sensitivity may calm down a bit once you aren’t constantly under huge emotional stress by being in the situation you describe.

Hey Ubi’s you got your own worries. Soon you’ll hit 666 postings:bigyikes::yup:

 

[Maine52]

OP, if I may make the suggestion–if there’s any way at all to get out of that situation, such as moving to the sort of place described above, then try to do it. I found that putting physical distance between me and my parents increased my own sanity and peace of mind to no end. Being surrounded by constant bickering and unhappiness doesn’t do anyone any good. You may also find that your emotional sensitivity may calm down a bit once you aren’t constantly under huge emotional stress by being in the situation you describe. Getting screened for depression might not be a bad idea, either. Living under those conditions is enough to make anyone depressed.

If you’re over 18, your dad cannot make you stay home. There are almost certainly some programs in your area geared towards teaching you how to live on your own. (You might sell these to your parents as, "Mom and Dad, I appreciate more than I can ever say everything you’ve done for me. However, you won’t be here forever, and I need to take steps to ensure that I can take care of myself to the best of my ability sooner rather than later.") I suggest doing some research into them. Counselors, occupational therapists, social workers, etc may have a whole host of ideas on how you can accomplish this. Perhaps ask your sisters if there are any apartments near them that are reasonably-priced but in a decent area of town?

I’m not sure I would word it this way. “You won’t be around forever so I need to ensure I can take care of myself sooner rather than later…” The OP’s parents do not sound emotionally stable, and suggesting that they are going to die at some point has the potential to arouse more arguing directed at the OP. I would find something to say about how grateful she is for everything they’ve done for her, but word it in a way that doesn’t imply that they are going to die. Maybe something like, “Mom and Dad, thanks for everything you’ve done for me. I appreciate it more than you know. Now I’m a grown woman, and I would like to gain some independence…” Something along those lines. OP, you know your parents better than us. You probably know the best words to use.

I lived with unhappy parents for 24 years and fell into depression. After I married and got out of the house, it was like turning a switch off on my depression. I agree with the posters who said you need to get out permanently, if possible.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not sure I would word it this way. “You won’t be around forever so I need to ensure I can take care of myself sooner rather than later…” The OP’s parents do not sound emotionally stable, and suggesting that they are going to die at some point has the potential to arouse more arguing directed at the OP. I would find something to say about how grateful she is for everything they’ve done for her, but word it in a way that doesn’t imply that they are going to die. Maybe something like, “Mom and Dad, thanks for everything you’ve done for me. I appreciate it more than you know. Now I’m a grown woman, and I would like to gain some independence…” Something along those lines. OP, you know your parents better than us. You probably know the best words to use.

**The death card has the advantage that, while uncomfortable, it’s pretty much unrefutable. They can’t say, “We are going to be around forever, so you need to live with us indefinitely.”

I’m afraid that your version would lead to them saying, “What do you need independence for? We love you!”

Maybe start with Maine52’s soft version, but be prepared to go to “You won’t be around forever”? **

I lived with unhappy parents for 24 years and fell into depression. After I married and got out of the house, it was like turning a switch off on my depression. I agree with the posters who said you need to get out permanently, if possible.

 

[Xantippe]

Dad’s possible dementia is something to bring up with the sisters.

It might be a good idea to organize a sister council and get dad to a doctor tout suite. There are medical options available now to slow certain kinds of decline.

Thanksgiving might be a good time to talk to dad about concerns. (Toward the end of the festivities, of course–that way the sisters will have had the opportunity to see dad for a long stretch of time and to have formed their own opinions.)

 

[skigirl1689]

Thank you all for the advice. It is a very challenging situation. My parents don’t plan on staying in this area, but I do not know where they will retire to. I was hoping on settling somewhere close to them as a kind of compromise/safety net sort of thing. However, I am not sure waiting is a good idea either.

The big issue is that I cannot drive or cook, and on one hand I do want to get out, but I worry about getting the care and support I need. I think my one sister plans to move out of state, and given my other sister’s major and career goals, I think she’ll end up far away too. These things also prohibit me from going to visit them even for short stays.

A couple of posts brought up the issue of depression. I have been taking meds for depression/anxiety for the past 7 years, and the depression began when I had to deal with a very moody person everyday as a senior in high school. Ironically, you could say the same issues are at play right now.

I know the environment I am currently in with my parents is wrecking havoc on my emotional health. Last night I vowed to work on myself, i.e. not letting things get the better of me, nurturing my own well-being, making sure I take time to enjoy my hobbies even if my parents are going at it, etc.

I know it will not be easy and it will not change overnight. Please pray for me…I know the holidays will likely increase the tension as it always does.

P.S. As for the possible dementia, I am really not certain at all if it is even connected to a possible mental decline. None of the symptoms are aligning with what I have read about dementia; he just seems to sometimes say really strange things, ask questions concerning stuff said seconds earlier, and just quirky little things. My mom asked me to keep a journal of these things, which I am. So I am unsure even if my sisters would even pick up on these things as my dad has always been a bit quirky.

 

[Xantippe]

P.S. As for the possible dementia, I am really not certain at all if it is even connected to a possible mental decline. None of the symptoms are aligning with what I have read about dementia; he just seems to sometimes say really strange things, ask questions concerning stuff said seconds earlier, and just quirky little things. My mom asked me to keep a journal of these things, which I am. So I am unsure even if my sisters would even pick up on these things as my dad has always been a bit quirky.

Doing out of character stuff can be an early warning sign.

My deceased grandpa, who was ridiculously stingy his entire previous life, started being putty in the hands of telemarketers in his declining years and wound up with huge amounts of reconditioned junk “prizes” from sweepstakes.

Likewise, a great-uncle suddenly started being inappropriate with waitresses as he got older, to the point that the family didn’t want to go out to restaurants with him anymore.

So, yeah, I think it’s worth looking into medically. (Brain tumors can also cause out-of-character behavior.)

 

[WilT]

:hypno::whacky::banghead:sometimes we are not given the perfect family to live with. Dealing with a family with mental problems and ailments as a Catholic is a big Cross to bare, more so if one lives with them. Believe me when I say you won’t be able to change them and there erratic behaviors but you can change yours. If your passive relating to them they will jump all over you so you may want to be less passive and more assertive. Defend your rights regardless were your living. If there an aggressive personality they will respect that. But most of all continue being yourself. Go to Church. Practice your faith as much as you can at home. They may not change overnight, or tomorrow, or in 10 years but 1 day they may change for the holy Good and treat their family members with Catholic love. Dealing with mental issues in ones family is hard but not impossible. Remember you have Christ on your side along with many other friends, Blessed Mary, Saints, and Church friends you can always go to. If you are always unhappy. Become happy with God and the Saints. Plus this will lift a load of your back somewhat. Good Luck and God Bless you on your difficult situation. I’ll offer up to you my day today.

 

[skigirl1689]

Doing out of character stuff can be an early warning sign.

My deceased grandpa, who was ridiculously stingy his entire previous life, started being putty in the hands of telemarketers in his declining years and wound up with huge amounts of reconditioned junk “prizes” from sweepstakes.

Likewise, a great-uncle suddenly started being inappropriate with waitresses as he got older, to the point that the family didn’t want to go out to restaurants with him anymore.

So, yeah, I think it’s worth looking into medically. (Brain tumors can also cause out-of-character behavior.)

Yes, I’ve read a lot saying the same thing. Some of his behavior has become increasingly worse in the past few years. I was away at school from 2010-2012 and during that time he retired, but worked for about two years after that and this summer. Now he is home all of the time, so I am seeing more little things. He also has hearing loss, so we wonder if he isn’t hearing (or just not listening) and repeating questions, etc.

Of course, he won’t go to the doctor unless it is a serious illness, and I am not confident he would agree to a screening. He’s only in his very early 60s, but I know dementia can occur in younger people too. Sometimes I also wonder if he has a personality disorder too.

:hypno::whacky::banghead:sometimes we are not given the perfect family to live with. Dealing with a family with mental problems and ailments as a Catholic is a big Cross to bare, more so if one lives with them. Believe me when I say you won’t be able to change them and there erratic behaviors but you can change yours. If your passive relating to them they will jump all over you so you may want to be less passive and more assertive. Defend your rights regardless were your living. If there an aggressive personality they will respect that. But most of all continue being yourself. Go to Church. Practice your faith as much as you can at home. They may not change overnight, or tomorrow, or in 10 years but 1 day they may change for the holy Good and treat their family members with Catholic love. Dealing with mental issues in ones family is hard but not impossible. Remember you have Christ on your side along with many other friends, Blessed Mary, Saints, and Church friends you can always go to. If you are always unhappy. Become happy with God and the Saints. Plus this will lift a load of your back somewhat. Good Luck and God Bless you on your difficult situation. I’ll offer up to you my day today.

Thank you. I did tell my mom and my doctor I am battling the anxiety again, and I am trying not to let other people’s issues and emotions affect how I feel and act. Perhaps it will change, perhaps not, and perhaps God will make a way for me to gain independence sooner than I expect.

 

[WilT]

 

[Trishie]

Dear one, the block isn’t that you can’t cook or drive. A person can learn to cook, beginning with simpler meals and following recipes. A person can learn to drive, or move to a situation where they have access to public transport.

Meals don’t always work out perfectly even for seasoned cooks. You would just need to be patient with your efforts.

The block is in your own feeling of emotional-blackmail guilt and helplessness.
You have as much right to move out and have your own life as your sisters did.

You are not part of your parents marriage.
Their marriage contract is between your parents, even though you, and they, seem to have some co-dependence.
The chains are in your acceptance of that co-dependence.

You can’t fix their marriage or their relationship, and it is their marriage and relationship, not yours. It’s their issue, not yours, if they unreasonably resist your choice to make your own life, the life God gave you life to live.

It is scary for some very sensitive to take the leap of independence.

You feel you must ‘detach emotionally’ to protect yourself. It is unrealistic to believe you can do that. As a loving, sensitive person, no, you cannot, living there with their arguments and issues.

The way to detach is by positive action, by beginning to live your independent life, with reasonable, but not constant contact with them.
Decide when you’ll visit or phone, but not too often so that you don’t remain embroiled in their marriage and relationship issues. Recognize where they may try to lay guilt on you for leaving, (make your plans and don’t give them time to wear you down, because it will be hard for you and hard for them to break the dynamic between you.

They may strongly resist, and you may easily fall back into the pattern…which is damaging your life and your mental, and eventual physical health.

May God bless you with the insight and strength you need to kindly but firmly begin your life as a free adult.

Kind wishes,

Trishie

 

[skigirl1689]

Trishe,

I do understand what you are saying. But I really cannot cook, or I should say, prepare food…I can barely pour a glass of milk on my own. I usually spill a lot if I try. My dexterity is very poor. It’s really difficult to explain, but trying to cook would be unsafe as I am so unsteady. Hopefully one day my care will include someone who can prepare meals, etc. Yes, I know this help is out there.

I mean, it’s a process with the state, getting things approved, and since I am not sure where my parents will end up geographically (I’d still like to be relatively close, even 3 or 4 hours distance), it is difficult for me to just up and go. Where I’d like to live is currently 500 miles from where I am. This is not to say I am not researching things, I am, but it is a process.

I know they won’t change, and things are beyond my control in regards to my parents. I am still praying things can improve.