I didn't know he was married! Have I sinned?

[SomeSunnyDay]

Hello, I am new here and this is my first post. I’ve been reading the forums for a while and have learned so much, but haven’t yet found a thread that addresses my specific situation, so I will post my story here and hope someone can share some Catholic insights.

First, I should say that I am a non-Catholic and a single female. I recently met a Catholic man and we started dating. He was charming, handsome and seemingly very devout in his faith. He often spoke of his faith, how he attends mass daily; and when I was having a family crisis he prayed the rosary for me on several occasions. I began to care for him so much that I started seriously considering converting to the Catholic faith.

One night we were at my house watching a movie together and he wanted to engage in some more physical intimacy. Kissing, hugging, embracing was fine with me, it was very nice, but we had only been on a few dates so I didn’t feel comfortable going any further than that, so when he tried to touch me under my clothes, I politely declined and asked him to stop.

Well, at that point my Prince Charming suddenly turned very insulting and rude - just a total turn-around in his behaviour, a side of him I’d never seen before. He tried to draw me into a verbal argument by insulting my intelligence and my honor, saying that by inviting him over for dinner and a movie at my house (I had cooked a nice meal for us), I was somehow “inviting him” to have sex? Then he said that by letting him kiss and hold me, then refusing to go any further, I was “teasing him.” I mean, he was really upset!

I asked him to please leave and he did, but called me 20 minutes later to apologize for saying such mean things acting like a demanding, unreasonable jerk. I said I forgave him, and even apologized to him if I had somehow given him ANY impression by inviting him over for dinner and a movie that I was implying anything more was going to happen. I’m not sure if I should have apologized, I had no such ideas in mind and didn’t feel that I needed to apologize after the way he spoke to me, but I did anyway just to keep the peace.

The next day, he called me again to apologize a second time, saying he still felt really bad. I told him that I appreciated the gesture, but had thought about it overnight and decided that I didn’t think we should date anymore. Said my reason was because I felt he was wanting to take things faster than I was ready to go physically. I offered him my friendship and said it would be best if we just left it at that.

Well, a couple weeks later, I was talking to a mutual friend who knows this man (they work at the same place) and she told me he is MARRIED with CHILDREN!!!

My jaw dropped, my heart sunk, and I felt so foolish for ever being interested in this man. He had presented himself to me the whole time as though he were single - never any mention of kids or prior/current marriages the whole time we dated, which was about 2 months! That’s enough time to get to know someone (or so one might think), but I guess he was a really talented actor; he sure had me fooled!

So here is my question: because I don’t understand the Catholic faith very well, did this man commit a grave sin in what he did with me? What sins did he commit, and how does the church and the scriptures address these sins? How can he atone for them? If his wife knows of this behavior (I’m now hearing from my friend that he’s quite the Don Juan and I wasn’t the first girl he’s tried this with), should she divorce him or stay with a serial philanderer for the sake of their kids and because the church says she has to? Does the Catholic faith command women to remain married to serial cheaters?

In the eyes of your faith, did I commit a sin by dating him for awhile, even though I had NO IDEA he was married with children?

I’m still hurting from this situation, and for some reason I feel guilty, although I can’t figure out why I do. I trusted him, began to let him into my heart, thought he was a moral and good person, and was ignorant of his marital status until weeks after I had already stopped seeing him.

I just can’t believe I was so deceived by a man who represented himself to me as such a “good Catholic”. I can’t believe he managed to pull this off, somehow managing to slip away from his family to go on dates with me in the evenings, never giving the slightest hint that he was spoken for. In retrospect, the only red flag I can see now is that he never invited me over to his house.

Please help, sorry this was long but I wanted to tell the whole story. I’m trying my best to recover and put it behind me so I can start dating again, learn to open my heart and trust again, and not take away from this bad experience a distrust of men.

Thank you for listening and any advice you can help with!

 

[lovemysix]

I’m so sorry you had to go through something like this. I know it’s no comfort, but you certainly aren’t the first innocent woman to be duped by a cad. From the behavior you have described in your post, I can see no reason for guilt on your side. There was no wrongdoing—you had no idea he was married. The sin is all on his side. I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about which sins he committed and how serious each of them is. Just pray for him.

I honestly don’t know what, if any, responsibility you may have to his future prey. Because from what you have described of him, I feel quite sure you weren’t his first and most certainly won’t be his last.

I’m sorry you have had such a bad example from a married Catholic man. Unfortunately, there are men in every religion who will use that very religion to prey on innocent women (e.g. trying to impress you with his daily mass attendance, rosaries, etc).

I do think you should be proud that you caught on to the fact something wasn’t “right” and cut off relations with him as soon as you did. You may not have known WHAT the problem was, but your gut was telling you something wasn’t right!!

Chalk it up to a valuable (though humbling and painful) life experience. Keep praying for him, and don’t let his egregious behavior completely jade you. There are still a lot of truly good guys out there

Lauren

 

[Simon_X]

I am also sorry you had this experience with this man. Catholic or not, he’s bad news. Stay away from him. I do not think you committed a sin because you did not know he was married. FYI, if you go any farther other than kissing and hugging (with single guys I am talking about), that may open you up to occasion of sin though.

This man committed adultery and apparently doesn’t respect his wife and family very much.

I certainly hope that you pursue your interest in the Catholic Church and God Bless you…

 

[ericka1701]

Sunny,

I am sorry that you have been put in this situation. From my own personal experience, I know how shocking, heartbreaking, etc… it is, and I want to commend you for defending yourself against him. I can’t speak for the state of this man’s sinfulness, as that is something he has to work out, through confession, but I want to assure you that you did NOTHING wrong. Would you have started a relationship with this man if you had known he was married? From your post, I would wager to say NO. Mortal sin has three requirements, and ALL of them have to be met.

1. Grave matter (the 10 Commandments is a good guide)
2. Full consent (you couldn’t have had full consent if you didn’t know all of the information needed to make the decision whether or not to date him).
3. Full knowledge that the sin was mortal and yet you commited it anyways.

The only thing I would have to do with this person from here on out is to keep him in your prayers to see the error of his ways and to repent from them.

God Bless
Ericka

 

[Matariel]

Hello, I am new here and this is my first post. I’ve been reading the forums for a while and have learned so much, but haven’t yet found a thread that addresses my specific situation, so I will post my story here and hope someone can share some Catholic insights.
…Please help, sorry this was long but I wanted to tell the whole story. I’m trying my best to recover and put it behind me so I can start dating again, learn to open my heart and trust again, and not take away from this bad experience a distrust of men.

Thank you for listening and any advice you can help with!

I’m sorry you had to experience this. It’s unfortunate this man did not live up to his Catholic faith, in which premaritial sex, and especially adultery, are very serious sins.

I don’t think you did anything wrong on your part, you were right to deny his advances, and you were right to leave the situation when the truth came out.

Please do not let this one bad example bar you from fully exploring the Catholic faith, I’m sorry this terrible example was set for you.

God bless,
Matariel

 

[estesbob]

You have done nothing wrong. Please dont judge all catholics by the actions of this man.

 

[kage_ar]

You met a jerk.

Maybe from now on, date people who come at the reccomend of people you know and trust.

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

Thank you for the sympathy and understanding. And it’s quite a load off my mind to know that what I did was not a sin!

I think the reason why I felt so bad about this was the way he became so judgemental of me after I rejected him for sex. I mean, this guy acted like he had done nothing wrong and I was some kind of scarlet woman for “tempting” him. WHAT? That makes no sense! How is inviting the guy you’re dating over for a home-cooked meal and a movie “tempting” him to sin? And I just can’t see some cuddling and kissing on the couch as an invitation to do more.

As I viewed it, snuggling up to watch a movie with a guy you really like is a way of establishing comfort in a relationship. So is offering him a meal you cooked yourself. In the family where I was raised, that was always a way of showing someone you cared.

So thank you for validating my feelings that there was NO reason for him to believe I was tempting him or inviting him into my bed. I think that, based upon his sudden transformation from a Prince to an insulting, demeaning, judgemental FROG was just a sign that this man is unable to take responsibility for his own sin and instead wants to blame other people for the things he does.

So by that token, this guy probably goes to confession and tells his priest he’s committed adultery but blames the WOMAN he seduced, then asks to be forgiven. Does the church forgive adultery? And how does that work?

One other question - you say he committed adultery with me. From my understanding, that is a VERY grave sin. Is this truly a case of adultery? Yes, he lied to me and dated me presenting himself as a single man, yes he kissed and attempted to have sex with me, but there was no actual sexual contact because I stopped him before he could touch me inappropriately. Does the church consider it adultery if we didn’t have sex?

 

[kage_ar]

Remember what Jesus said, to look at a woman with lust in your heart is to already have committed adultery.

 

[GraceDK]

Hello, I am new here and this is my first post. I’ve been reading the forums for a while and have learned so much, but haven’t yet found a thread that addresses my specific situation, so I will post my story here and hope someone can share some Catholic insights.

. I just can’t believe I was so deceived by a man who represented himself to me as such a “good Catholic”. I can’t believe he managed to pull this off, somehow managing to slip away from his family to go on dates with me in the evenings, never giving the slightest hint that he was spoken for. In retrospect, the only red flag I can see now is that he never invited me over to his house.

(…)

Thank you for listening and any advice you can help with!

Tell his wife.

 

[kage_ar]

Tell his wife.

This man sounds to be borderline unstable, the best advice is for the OP to wash her hands of him and have nothing to do with him. Telling his wife will simply keep her entangled in the mess.

 

[Simon_X]

This man sounds to be borderline unstable, the best advice is for the OP to wash her hands of him and have nothing to do with him. Telling his wife will simply keep her entangled in the mess.

I agree with Kage, he sounds like he could actually be kind of the abusive type. Please stay away from this guy and thank God you have good instincts.

Ps. I am not sure inviting a guy over alone that you don’t really know is a good idea. There are a lot of creepy single guys out there that might have tried the same thing. Just looking out for ya…

And I believe adultry can certainly be commited whether sex is involved or not. But learn from this…

Take Care

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

You know, I have often thought about telling his wife because I think she has the right to know. She’s invested 15 years of her life in this man (yes, to my shock, it turns out he’s been married THAT LONG! Wow!) and she has borne him four children.

On the other hand, I agree with kage’s point about getting myself entangled in their personal life, which is honestly none of my business. Maybe she knows and accepts his bad behaviour; after all, it’s hard to imagine he’s been able to pull the wool over her eyes and escape detection for 15 years, so surely she must have some idea of what’s going on, don’t you think?

That’s why I asked the question in my first post about how the Church instructs Catholic women in cases of philandering husbands. Are they supposed to just put up with it and stay with him hoping he’ll repent and eventually change? Can she seek a divorce or would it have to be an annulment if she wants to be remarried one day to a GOOD man in the Catholic church?

I don’t want to get drawn into a messy fight or divorce case between man and wife, or see their kids hurt. Every time I feel like talking to his wife, what stops me is thinking of their children and how they would be affected if the whole thing blew up or ended in divorce.

Besides, I washed my hands of this man, and rightly so. Kage is right - he struck me as borderline unstable. That night I rejected him for sex, his angry reaction was frankly scaring me, it came out of nowhere, and I felt so relieved when he obeyed my request to leave because I was afraid he might turn violent or rape me. My gut instinct just told me to get this man out of my life. I could tell he had anger “issues” and that’s why I stopped seeing him.

Mind you, I ended the relationship based on that reason…it wasn’t until 2 weeks later that I discovered he was MARRIED! That disturbing revelation, painful as is was, only validated that my gut instincts about him were correct and I did the right thing to stop seeing him. Worse than being a pushy cad with anger issues, he was a MARRIED pushy cad with anger issues hiding behind a phony mask of religious piety. Ech!

 

[Simon_X]

You know, I have often thought about telling his wife because I think she has the right to know. She’s invested 15 years of her life in this man (yes, to my shock, it turns out he’s been married THAT LONG! Wow!) and she has borne him four children.

On the other hand, I agree with kage’s point about getting myself entangled in their personal life, which is honestly none of my business. Maybe she knows and accepts his bad behaviour; after all, it’s hard to imagine he’s been able to pull the wool over her eyes and escape detection for 15 years, so surely she must have some idea of what’s going on, don’t you think?

That’s why I asked the question in my first post about how the Church instructs Catholic women in cases of philandering husbands. Are they supposed to just put up with it and stay with him hoping he’ll repent and eventually change? Can she seek a divorce or would it have to be an annulment if she wants to be remarried one day to a GOOD man in the Catholic church?

I don’t want to get drawn into a messy fight or divorce case between man and wife, or see their kids hurt. Every time I feel like talking to his wife, what stops me is thinking of their children and how they would be affected if the whole thing blew up or ended in divorce.

Besides, I washed my hands of this man, and rightly so. Kage is right - he struck me as borderline unstable. That night I rejected him for sex, his angry reaction was frankly scaring me, it came out of nowhere, and I felt so relieved when he obeyed my request to leave because I was afraid he might turn violent or rape me. My gut instinct just told me to get this man out of my life. I could tell he had anger “issues” and that’s why I stopped seeing him.

Mind you, I ended the relationship based on that reason…it wasn’t until 2 weeks later that I discovered he was MARRIED! That disturbing revelation, painful as is was, only validated that my gut instincts about him were correct and I did the right thing to stop seeing him. Worse than being a pushy cad with anger issues, he was a MARRIED pushy cad with anger issues hiding behind a phony mask of religious piety. Ech!

We honestly should never advise people over the internet on what they should or shouldn’t do in their marriages. I always believe they should seek the advice of a priest or outside help. I kind of have a feeling from what you’ve said that this is normal behavior for this guy and I bet very strongly his wife knows. I feel bad for her…

 

[jmcrae]

You know, I have often thought about telling his wife because I think she has the right to know. She’s invested 15 years of her life in this man (yes, to my shock, it turns out he’s been married THAT LONG! Wow!) and she has borne him four children.

On the other hand, I agree with kage’s point about getting myself entangled in their personal life, which is honestly none of my business. Maybe she knows and accepts his bad behaviour; after all, it’s hard to imagine he’s been able to pull the wool over her eyes and escape detection for 15 years, so surely she must have some idea of what’s going on, don’t you think?

That’s up to you. Her likely reaction is going to be disbelief and anger at you, if she doesn’t already know. So, ask yourself whether you want that sort of attention. Also, you know nothing about her - she has lived with this guy for 15 years; maybe (not saying, but, just maybe) she is even crazier than he is - you don’t know whether she would get violent when she’s angry, or whether she would do something vindictive. So, my first instinct is to let sleeping dogs lie, and have as little to do with either of them as you politely can.

That’s why I asked the question in my first post about how the Church instructs Catholic women in cases of philandering husbands. Are they supposed to just put up with it and stay with him hoping he’ll repent and eventually change? Can she seek a divorce or would it have to be an annulment if she wants to be remarried one day to a GOOD man in the Catholic church?

She can seek a civil divorce if his behaviour is disrupting her life at home, in order to protect her children from him, and to protect herself financially, but she would still be considered to be married to him, and as such, she wouldn’t be allowed to remarry.

If she asks for a Declaration of Nullity, the philandering wouldn’t really enter into it, other than as evidence that he is not in his right mind, and thus, not able to consent to the proper duties and responsibilities of marriage. The Tribunal only looks at what the situation was on the wedding day - whether both parties were willing and able to give their consent to the marriage. If both of them were, then no Declaration of Nullity would be given - they would remain husband and wife until death do they part - but living separately.

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

Sorry, I think my question was misunderstood: I’m not asking for what advice anyone would give this couple - that’s something they should take up for themselves with the proper counsel.

My question is, what is the teaching of the Catholic church on infidelity in marriage? And what are the options for a woman who wants to escape a philandering or emotionally abusive husband? Are annulments granted on these grounds?

 

[jmcrae]

Sorry, I think my question was misunderstood: I’m not asking for what advice anyone would give this couple - that’s something they should take up for themselves with the proper counsel.

My question is, what is the teaching of the Catholic church on infidelity in marriage?

It is grave matter (an action that goes against one of the Ten Commandments, as interpreted by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount) - the three components of mortal sin (that is to say, sin that causes you to go to Hell, unless you repent of it and confess it in the Confessional) are, grave matter, full knowledge, and full consent of the will. Only he himself knows whether he had full knowledge and full consent of the will.

And what are the options for a woman who wants to escape a philandering or emotionally abusive husband? Are annulments granted on these grounds?

Properly speaking, it’s not an “annulment” because the Church does not have the power to dissolve an existing marriage. Rather, it is a Declaration of Nullity, which means that no valid marriage was ever contracted, in the first place.

The grounds for a Declaration of Nullity are the states of mind of the man and woman, on their wedding day - whether they were both willing and capable of contracting a valid marriage - that is, they knew what marriage is (for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, 'til death do they part), understood the responsibilities (care and upbringing of children, fidelity to each other), and fully intended at that time to undertake them.

So, the Marriage Tribunal wouldn’t look at the philandering, other than to see whether it indicates that the man did not understand his responsibility to remain faithful to his wife (didn’t know that it meant he had to be with her only), or whether he had a mental reservation about it and did not intend to fulfill it, when he said, “I do.”

If they find that one or both of them did not know what was going on at the wedding ceremony, or that either of them was having mental reservations, the Tribunal would grant a Decree of Nullity.

After going through some counselling, once the Decree has been received, she could then start dating, and marry for the first time - it would not be a “remarriage” or “second marriage” because she would never have been married before, in the eyes of the Church.

But she is free to divorce him without remarrying, if he is making the common life unduly difficult for her, or if he is a danger to her children. It’s up to her to define what that means.

 

[Dchsknight]

The Catechism does say something on it. I would suggest getting one and looking it up. I personally have no idea were it is kind of a big book. I also agree with not telling his wife, that is not your place. that is between God and them. So Go to the church. we do have that right. If we see a brother or sister in sin and we cant tell them, then we bring it to the church and let the church deal with it. That is what i would do… I jsut looked it up HAHA handy concordance in the back! basically the catechism says in Article 2380- that the man violated the marriage and broke the contract that was set and endangered the children who need to have their parents in a stable union. as far as divorce, it says in 2382 that a fully baptized and Consummated marriage can not be dissolved for any reason besides death. Separation while maintaining the marriage is acceptable and if a civil divorce is the only way to ensure certain legal rights of the children then it can happen and will be tolerated, but the two must still act as if they are married because in God’s eyes they still are, if any of the two approach another, while one of the other still lives, then that person shall be in permanent Adultery.

Basically i am seeing if they are Both baptized and consummated that marriage which they did if they have 4 kids, then they cant. until one of em dies. Legal divorce can happen but it is still adultery if they remarry while one of the other still lives. I would take this matter to his parish that is where it belongs they then can deal with it and act accordingly. AND please dont let this turn you from the faith. I have found the fullness and truth, with the guiding our Good and Faith God, and my wonderful girlfriend knowing what she believes and acting it out.

(as a personal note, I believe this man should captured and castrated, No man gets to treat women like cattle, and if they do then they should restrained like a bull. It truly saddens me when i hear of men acting like this, Men need to stop being lazy and take up the sword and fight for our woman and fight for our sisters in Christ and fight for what is right and true.)

 

[mark_a]

Run away as fast as you can from this guy.

One night we were at my house watching a movie together and he wanted to engage in some more physical intimacy. Kissing, hugging, embracing was fine with me, it was very nice,

but we had only been on a few dates so I didn’t feel comfortable going any further than that. . .

As far as your own actions, maybe you should address the above.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Are annulments granted on these grounds?

Annulments do not look to see if it was a bad marriage–they examine to see if it was ever a marriage at all. For example: this man wasn’t available to marry you because he was already married to someone else. If he had continued his scam and gone through with a wedding ceremony to you–you could obtain an annulment since he was already married. There are numerous other conditions that a marriage tribunal examines, but they always go back to see if the marriage was ever valid in the first place.

We assume marriages to be valid, unless proven otherwise by an annulment. Jmcrae pointed out that for serious reasons, married couples sometimes separate, but they are still considered married in the eyes of the Church. If the marriage was valid in the first place, neither party would not be permitted to marry within the Catholic church until after the death of the spouse. Again, they would still be considered, even if separated, unless the annulment process determined the marriage was null from the beginning.

I’m sorry this happened to you. You didn’t know, so you are not at fault here. He did know, and he commited a serious sin. We should all pray for him and his wife.