I didn't know he was married! Have I sinned?

[lovemysix]

I have always understood that if a spouse is unfaithful to you, you have the right to refuse to have sexual relations with him or her. Basically meaning you can separate without guilt. This separation may entail a legal divorce if necessary for the protection of the wronged spouse and children (physical, emotional, or financial protetcion).

This, however, would not change the fact that the couple is still married in the eyes of the church. So neither would be free to remarry. In other words, the bad behavior of one spouse does not release the innocent spouse from the spiritual bond of a sacramental marriage. It’s a cold hard fact that can be very difficult to stomach in cases like this one, but we, as humans, simply do not have the power to dissolve a sacramental marriage. The Church can determine a marriage never occurred if there are grounds, but the Church cannot dissolve an existing marriage. As the scripture states, only death can do that.

I’ve often told my husband, it’s a real wonder that more spouses don’t murder each other

Lauren

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

Posters 17 and #18, thank you so very kindly for the information on how the church views adultery, that is what I wanted to know.

I had not even thought of going to his parish and trying to approach the issue that way. It actually sounds like the best idea, because I do not want to get involved in a potentially ugly situation with his wife.

Some women who are married to cheaters will actually defend their husband’s reprehensible behavior when confronted by another woman who tries to warn them. Strange but true. I don’t know his wife at all, don’t know if she knows what he does, or what her reaction would be. But I just don’t want to fight with her.

One question I have about possibly alerting someone at his parish: would I be able to remain anonymous? If his priest talked to him and/or his wife about this, would my name be mentioned?

Because of the anger issues and possible violent tendencies I noted in this man before, I am very afraid of retaliation from him if he was confronted by his priest and found out I was the one who got him in trouble! Based on his tendency to blame me for his own immoral actions before, I have no doubt he’d blame me again.

That could possibly put my safety or even my life in danger, depending on how mad or crazy he or his wife might be.

 

[kage_ar]

SunnyDay -

Imagine for a minute that you made a big mistake.

Would you want someone who knew about it going to your pastor and telling him about it?

Let it go, let this man answer to God.

 

[Simon_X]

SunnyDay -

Imagine for a minute that you made a big mistake.

Would you want someone who knew about it going to your pastor and telling him about it?

Let it go, let this man answer to God.

Amen

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

Based on his tendency to blame me for his own immoral actions before, I have no doubt he’d blame me again.

Just to give another example of how irrational and extreme this man’s denial is - here is another part of the story I left out of my original post:

 

[turtle18]

There is no point in telling the priest–he may already know & may be bound by the seal of Confession. If this man went to the priest & confessed his adultery (and I would say he is guilty of that but certainly not you) then the priest is not even to acknowledge that he has any knowledge of the situation. Even if the priest doesn’t know, God obviously does. So ratting him out to the priest will accomplish nothing–the priest can’t force him into Confession.

However, if I were married and my husband was doing that to me, I would want to know. I do think you should tell his wife. To not do so, would be dishonest. (As long as your intent is not retaliation)

What the wife choses to do after that (either forgive him or seek annullment) is between her, her husband, God & the priest.

 

[turtle18]

It also sounds like he is using his religion to manipulate you. The fact that he prayed for you in Church after you refused to commit a mortal sin with him seems odd. The fact that he let you know he prayed for you seems like he was using it as a way to ingratiate himself with you.

In general, I don’t tell people when I am praying for them, unless they are in a bad situation–you know death in the family, illness.

I’m sorry you had such a bad experience with him–please don’t judge the rest of us Catholics based on your experience with him. I have known many devout people who are normal and strive to live holy lives. I have known a couple who were psycho, too; and it may be that he is not psycho but that he is just in an extreme battle between good & evil for his soul. (see the Catholic Church allows everyone in!!)

I go to Church everyday and I have some extreme battles with some serious sin. However, they usually don’t involve anyone else (just to clarify it isn’t a sexual sin but still is very bad) so only the priests knows about it. The only reason his bad behavior has been brought to light is because he tried to involve other people in it. We all have sin we have to overcome.

 

[Spirithound]

So by that token, this guy probably goes to confession and tells his priest he’s committed adultery but blames the WOMAN he seduced, then asks to be forgiven. Does the church forgive adultery? And how does that work?

One other question - you say he committed adultery with me. From my understanding, that is a VERY grave sin. Is this truly a case of adultery? Yes, he lied to me and dated me presenting himself as a single man, yes he kissed and attempted to have sex with me, but there was no actual sexual contact because I stopped him before he could touch me inappropriately. Does the church consider it adultery if we didn’t have sex?

Please accept my sympathies as a man. This guy, certainly not a REAL man, certainly does not represent all of us.

Please do not worry about his sins. They are between him, God, and in this case, his wife. He can truly be forgiven if he is sorry for his sins, through the sacrament of Reconciliation. You were acting in good faith, and displayed a solid chastity in your relationships.

 

[jmcrae]

He was going to pray for me…strange to begin with, but weeks later after I found out he was married with children, I reflected again on that remark and found it both laughable and sad at the same time. How can someone be that delusional about their own actions and claim to be a person of such deep faith?

Honestly, the guy sounds like a nut-case, or else extremely immature. Either way, you don’t want to have anything to do with him.

Don’t put yourself in any kind of harm’s way. If someone you know gets involved with him, let that person know of your experience with him, so that he doesn’t have a chance to harm that person - but you don’t need to tell on him to his wife, or to his priest. Either they know already, or they will think you’re the nut-case - which you really don’t need.

Just chalk it up as a bad date, and move on. If he keeps calling, change your phone number - don’t try to reason with him.

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

It also sounds like he is using his religion to manipulate you. The fact that he prayed for you in Church after you refused to commit a mortal sin with him seems odd. The fact that he let you know he prayed for you seems like he was using it as a way to ingratiate himself with you.

In general, I don’t tell people when I am praying for them, unless they are in a bad situation–you know death in the family, illness.

Thanks also to those of you (male and female) on this thread who have reminded me of the goodness in the hearts of many men, and in so many Catholics. I promise not to let this bad experience embitter me. Right now I’m just confused and hurt.

 

[jmcrae]

So let me pose this question: in the view of the church, can someone who is in violation of the Commandments pray for you?

In our view, anyone can pray - even terrible sinners. Everyone should pray.

But at the same time, no one should ever use prayer as a weapon of manipulation. This is a violation of the Commandment that tells us not to take God’s name in vain. God’s name is never to be used as a weapon for getting your own way.

Thanks also to those of you (male and female) on this thread who have reminded me of the goodness in the hearts of many men, and in so many Catholics. I promise not to let this bad experience embitter me. Right now I’m just confused and hurt.

Understandably.

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

In our view, anyone

can pray - even terrible sinners. Everyone should pray.

That is what I thought, too. Thank you. This principle is universal across all faiths, I think…and that sinners are especially encouraged to pray for forgiveness and redemption.

I know my question was a bit more complex, and perhaps I should clarify it better: of course, this man should pray, but considering that he deceived me while committing an act of adultery, should he have the right to pray FOR ME?

Under the circumstances, it was the statement that he “prayed for me” - that felt like he was trying to play the moral superiority card. He didn’t mean it in a general way, as if he was praying for my good health, well being, or success; the context of the conversation was that he prayed for me because I was such a terrible sinner, and was just ludicrous and very offensive to me.

But at the same time, no one should ever use prayer as a weapon of manipulation. This is a violation of the Commandment that tells us not to take God’s name in vain. God’s name is never to be used as a weapon for getting your own way.

 

[jmcrae]

Under the circumstances, it was the statement that he “prayed for me” - that felt like he was trying to play the moral superiority card. He didn’t mean it in a general way, as if he was praying for my good health, well being, or success; the context of the conversation was that he prayed for me because I was such a terrible sinner, and was just ludicrous and very offensive to me.

Yeah, I really get that - it seemed especially designed to be annoying to you. It seems as though he was not praying for you so much as he was praying at you (otherwise, why tell you about it?), and not so much to God, but more sort of trying to make God seem be on his side, which is why I brought up the point about taking the Lord’s name in vain.

Anyway, I am truly and sincerely sorry that you were treated like that. It was entirely uncalled for.

 

[RobHom]

You have done nothing wrong. He did the wrong, both to you and to his wife. He is not the Catholic he claims to be…he is a harridan and a shill. Avoid him as if he is a carrier of the plague…

You did no wrong, you did no wrong, you did no wrong!

Repeat after me:

I did no wrong, I did no wrong, I did no wrong!

If you are in doubt…repeat the mantra 1000 times.

You have not sinned in any way…you were misled by a fake, and please do not judge us all by his conduct. He will have to account for his actions before God…

 

[Matariel]

I know my question was a bit more complex, and perhaps I should clarify it better: of course, this man should pray, but considering that he deceived me while committing an act of adultery, should he have the right to pray FOR ME

 

[EvelynEVF]

It was certainly adultery in his heart, and Jesus said that’s just as bad.

And as far as going to confession about it, I have a really hard time believing or even imagining that this guy went to daily Mass, received the Eucharist daily and went to confession frequently. People who have that much sacramental action going on in their lives just don’t do the kind of stuff you’ve described. Maybe I’m terribly naive, but it just doesn’t compute. The denial and self-deception would have to be astounding, and to be willing to stick with that commitment, when daily Mass can be very inconvenient unless you crave it and don’t care about the inconvenience.

And for the record, if he is stopping by the confessional on his way to another woman, with no “firm purpose of amendment” the sacrament is not happening and he is not really forgiven. In fact, he has compounded the adultery with the sin of presumption, which says I can get away with whatever because I’ll just confess it when I’m done.

 

[estesbob]

So by that token, this guy probably goes to confession and tells his priest he’s committed adultery but blames the WOMAN he seduced, then asks to be forgiven. Does the church forgive adultery? And how does that work?

?

God forgives any sin we confess and truly repent. if the jerk you were dating went to confession and blames you it is obvious he had not repented. Going to confession does not absolve those who are not truly sorry.

 

[GraceDK]

This man sounds to be borderline unstable, the best advice is for the OP to wash her hands of him and have nothing to do with him. Telling his wife will simply keep her entangled in the mess.

Wash her hands???
If your husband was running after another woman would you wanna know or would you want the whole world to know around you and nobody telling you?
The one who is entangled in a mess is the wife. She ought to know who she is married with.
When Christians stop washing their hands is the time when the world will turn into a better place.
Yes, its always easer to keep quiet.
But its not the right thing.

 

[Dchsknight]

I would jsut like to tell the people who are saying dont say anything to any one on thread…

“All it takes for Evil to Prevail, is for good men to stand by and do nothing.”

 

[kage_ar]

Wash her hands???
If your husband was running after another woman would you wanna know or would you want the whole world to know around you and nobody telling you?
.

I’d advise you to start a new thread, as this topic will quickly derail this one.

Short answer, my husband and I discussed this long ago. Any sin we commit is between that person and God. Should one of us sin, we will go to confession and obey the advice of our confessor. If given the choice in the matter, no, I do not want to know. Neither does he.