I didn't know he was married! Have I sinned?

[Matariel]

I don’t think he even sees his own hypocrisy in claiming to be a good, prayerful Catholic on the one hand, while recklessly manipulating, deceiving, and hurting people on the other. Like someone said above, he probably thinks that whenever he cheats on his wife, he can just go confess the sin and then be free to sin again! That’s some very twisted pretzel logic…

In our Catholic Faith, when one goes to the Sacrament of Confession, one must be truly sorrowful over their sins, and repentant-- and make sure they do their best not to return to their sin. If one is not truly repentant, or has no intention of changing their life and stop the sin, then the Sacrament doesn’t take place and their sins are **not **forgiven.

It just seems to me that if he goes to Mass daily, and confession, the fact that he is a repeat offender who has not repented should be a terrible offense to God.

That’s especially concerning to me. If one goes to Mass, and is not truly repentant when they went to confession, they are committing sacrilege against the Holy Sacrament, which is an even more serious sin.

Really interested to hear the Catholic view on this, as I must admit to my own ignorance about your faith, but it seems the same Christian principles apply to all who believe in the Commandments, regardless of denomination.

I would think the many Protestant denominations would agree with the Church (even though they disagree with the Church on other important things) that all of the Ten Commandments would apply, as well as Christ’s words of “Love thy Neighbour” and “Love thine enemies”.

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

Thank you, Matariel. That is good to learn. I rather assumed that confession is not like an automatic “get out of jail free” card for those who are not truly sorry for the things they’ve done. If they continue to repeat those sins, it seems a total waste of time to even go to confession if the person is not sincere.

Makes me wonder how many years he’s been going to the same church, and if he always confesses to the same priest. I can almost see the look on the priest’s face when this guy walks into the booth, like, “oh boy, here we go again!”

 

[Matariel]

Thank you, Matariel. That is good to learn. I rather assumed that confession is not like an automatic “get out of jail free” card for those who are not truly sorry for the things they’ve done. If they continue to repeat those sins, it seems a total waste of time to even go to confession if the person is not sincere.

Makes me wonder how many years he’s been going to the same church, and if he always confesses to the same priest. I can almost see the look on the priest’s face when this guy walks into the booth, like, “oh boy, here we go again!”

Well, technically, if the priest finds him committing the same sin and he doesn’t seem to want to really stop doing it anyway the priest has the obligation to withhold absolution from him, until he comes with true contrition.

At any rate, I’m glad you’re feeling better, and I hope you continue to learn about the Catholic Church and her Faith. Here are some links you may want to take a look at if you are curious about our Faith:

catholicscomehome.org/epic/epic120.phtml

davidmacd.com/catholic/early_church_fathers.htm

catholic.com/library/Pillar.asp

 

[GraceDK]

I was just thinking: if I had truly “washed my hands” of the situation already, I wouldn’t still be wondering if I have an obligation to help this man stop sinning, would I?

I would have just forgotten the whole thing, erased it from my memory, and I wouldn’t be here looking for advice.

I wouldn’t include him and his family in my prayers. I would not be asking God for guidance about what I should do.

So I’m starting to think there is a reason why this question still nags me, and that reason is probably my concern for his wife and children, and the women he will target in the future.

I can clearly see that there is NO BENEFIT FOR ME personally by telling his wife or his priest on him. Actually, it may be a huge risk to so so, one that could put me in danger physically.

Therefore, why do it, if I could potentially get hurt even worse than I’ve already been?

On the other hand, something in my conscience keeps telling me I should say or do something about it. But what?

What is the best way to handle this problem without putting myself in unnecessary danger of retaliation or harm?

Some good ideas have been offered up already: such as an anonymous phone call or email to his priest. If there is a way to do that while truly remaining anonymous (in this digital age w/ caller ID, IP lookups, etc.), it is increasingly difficult to truly remain anonymous when making a complaint, especially against powerful well-connected people who have the ability to track down the complainant and find out their identity.

Another thought I had was writing an anonymous letter to his wife. Again, I have concerns about how to keep it truly anonymous (might have to mail it from another city/postmark, and take other steps to carefully protect my identity), as email and phone calls would be too easy to trace back to me if retaliation against me was foremost on their minds.

By the way, I want to thank the posters above who offered insights and info on how the Catholic church views prayers of unrepentant mortal sinners being a mockery and an abomination. Any further thoughts on this would be very much appreciated.

Dear sister in Jesus.
I am happy your conscience is alive and well.
Chances are the man is not going to kill you or come after you because you tell his wife about his advancements… You are speculating because you are scared.

I was in the same situation half a year ago. There it was a monk who behaved very inappropriately towards me. I did not hesitate to tell on him because his behaviour showed no sign of contrition and I got so angry! I never get angry but that anger helped me overcome my fear. I went and told his superior everything and gave the superior all the evidence and told him: “Yes you may use my name. This man is not only damaging the church, he is also a seducer.”
I was afraid and I thought the monk might come after me but he did not… he probably figured he was in enough trouble already… Should I fear revenge?.. maybe. I might see him again. He can find me… but I know I did the right thing. I told and I am at peace.

Think about it … this guy who was deceiving his wife and trying to commit adultery with you, lead you into fornication etc did it over a period of time where he even got into your house in order to get you into that position. Let that be a lesson.

Some people can be very manipulative.
You can only ask your self… if your husband was leading a double-life having sex with other women, would you want to know?
I would. Then I could get him out of my marital bed - who knows what kinds of diseases he has anyway - and as for giving him a reality shock, that might prevent him from going out and breaking hearts or even causing sexual disease or abortions on his way.

One sin seldom comes alone and silence often has a great price…
You should tell your family and own pastor what has been going on so that they can keep an eye out for danger and support you while you reveal what this sucker has been up to.

Grace.

 

[jmcrae]

Believe me, estesbob, I have tried, and am still trying. I’d love it if this whole thing would just go AWAY and leave my thoughts forever!!!

But you know what they say about that “nagging little voice” inside you…?

I’d be delighted to forget it and let this go. No one likes to be reminded of an embarassing situation, and I am definitely embarassed for dating a married man, even if I didn’t know he was married at the time.

Another strategy that will help (and contains no danger to yourself) is to make sure that everyone you have regular contact with knows what happened to you, and who did it. This way, there is no “secret” that he can hold over your head at some future time. Just speak about it naturally to your friends and relatives - something like, “I had the worst date, and then to top things off it turns out the guy is married!!”

Word will get out, and no one will know who told whom, and you can quite rightly say, “Well, it was a very emotional experience - what, you didn’t expect me to tell my dear friends?”

That should afford you a certain amount of protection, because people who know you will know who to point the finger at, should you happen to “disappear” at some point - which will significantly reduce the likelihood of such a “disappearance,” while also ensuring that the information becomes public, and his wife will pick up on it, some time down the road.

It’s the old “Yell, Run, Tell” strategy, and I happen to know from personal experience that it works.

 

[lovemysix]

To be honest, given his tendency to anger, it’s more what he might do to his wife or children that concerns me (not that I’m not concerned about you, too, but you have control in this situation). If you tell his wife, who knows what chain of events you might set into motion.

BTW, I’m all about spouses knowing if they are being cheated on; it’s something I feel very strongly about, actually. I think his wife has every right to know about his philandering and his flagrant disregard for her health (STDs are rampant) and her dignity (if she truly doesn’t know what her husband is up to, imagine how humiliating it will be for her when she finds out that everyone else in town knew all these years and nobody had the guts to tell her she was being made a fool of by her cad of a husband).

HOWEVER, I think given his apparent instability and anger management issues, you may be setting something dangerous in motion here. I’m the one who suggested an anonymous call to the priest. I do understand your concerns about truly maintaining anonymity in this day and age, but there ARE still some payphones around (although they are getting harder to find!). And you could always type an anonymous letter to the priest (marked “confidential” so hopefully the parish secretary won’t open it!!) and drop it in the mail. Hopefully he knows more about the situation between the spouses than you do and might be able to handle the situation with wisdom.

I’d just hate to see anything bad happen to those kids because of this----they are truly the innocent victims in this whole mess.

Lauren

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

Thanks for sharing your personal stories with me, all who have been in similar situations before and had the courage and spiritual strength to do the right thing.

I have thought and prayed much over the past 24-48 hours for God’s guidance and protection, and I continue to pray for the protection of his wife and children. Heck, I even pray for the other women I don’t know about that he has done this to, for surely they too were deceived by him and got hurt.

Had a long talk with my family about it this weekend, too. And I also shared my troubles with my pastor yesterday. Although it was difficult and embarassing to admit, I was met with understanding and unflagging support. Slowly, thanks to them, and to all those on this board who have been so helpful and supportive, I am finally coming to see what really happened here, and that I am not to blame in any way for this man’s actions.

It is an incredible load off my mind to have this out in the open somewhat, because I know keeping things bottled up inside never helps. Now I can at least count on the support of my family, friends and church while I heal and figure out what my next step should be. This is not a good time to be carrying such a burden of knowledge alone. It feels so much better to have verbalized it and to hear the personal stories and opinions of others.

You’re right - telling others and having a support network is the best protection there is. Even if I do not ultimately choose to tell his wife or his priest (still praying on an answer for that), at least I know that I can count on the love and protection of my family and my church.

It is also important for HIM to know that his little secret is no longer a secret. I did not want to see him face-to-face and risk an argument or confrontation; just wanted him to know that he’s not fooling anybody. So I simply sent a brief text message this morning telling him that I was very disappointed in him for not telling me he was married, that his actions wronged me and his family, and that I never wished to hear from him again.

I also slipped a mention in there that I was being comforted and counseled by my family and friends in the church.

Well, that must have gotten him pretty worried, because less than 10 minutes later, my phone rang and it was him calling. I didn’t pick up - just let it ring thru to voicemail. He left a message asking me to call him so we can “talk.”

Since there’s really nothing else I want to say to this man, I do not plan on returning his call. Do you all agree that this is the right thing to do?

 

[kage_ar]

Prayers for you!!

Only other thing I’d suggest - see if you can block his number from calling your phone.

 

[jmcrae]

You’re right - telling others and having a support network is the best protection there is. Even if I do not ultimately choose to tell his wife or his priest (still praying on an answer for that), at least I know that I can count on the love and protection of my family and my church.

It is also important for HIM to know that his little secret is no longer a secret. I did not want to see him face-to-face and risk an argument or confrontation; just wanted him to know that he’s not fooling anybody. So I simply sent a brief text message this morning telling him that I was very disappointed in him for not telling me he was married, that his actions wronged me and his family, and that I never wished to hear from him again.

I also slipped a mention in there that I was being comforted and counseled by my family and friends in the church.

Well, that must have gotten him pretty worried, because less than 10 minutes later, my phone rang and it was him calling. I didn’t pick up - just let it ring thru to voicemail. He left a message asking me to call him so we can “talk.”

He probably wants to know whether any of your friends happen to know his wife.

Since there’s really nothing else I want to say to this man, I do not plan on returning his call. Do you all agree that this is the right thing to do?

Yes. You have already indicated to him that you wish to stop communicating with him. You’ve told him everything he needs to know, and you don’t owe him anything more.

 

[Tarek_Chidiac]

Pray to forget and forgive

 

[ericka1701]

It is not wrong to not answer any calls from him in the future. You have requested no further contact, and any attempts from him to contact you could be construed as harassment. I would like to throw out the possibility that even though you block his phone number, he may call from another number. I would suggest that you not answer calls that you don’t know who it’s coming from. If he leaves any more voice messages, save them. You may need them in the future, if you do happen to decide to take further action.

I will be praying for you and everyone involved in this situation… I’ve not quite been in the same situation, but what I have gone through has taught me the need for the steps I suggested above.

God Bless!
Ericka

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

I’ve already blocked his number. When he called today, it was from a “private” (caller id blocked) number. Since no one else I know blocks their number when calling me, and considering that the call came in just minutes after I sent him that text, I knew it was probably him so I didn’t pick up the phone.

Sure enough, he left a voicemail, so I knew the “private” caller was in fact him.

Thanks for helping me stay strong in my resolve not to ever speak to him again. I just don’t think there is anything more to be said, and I don’t want to get drawn into any arguments. Whatever it is he’s got to say, perhaps he should say it to his wife, his priest, and to God in his prayers. He should ask THEM for forgiveness.

Maybe all he wants to do is apologize to me now, I don’t know, but should I listen? Would the apology be sincere and heartfelt, or would it just be an attempt to cover his hide now that he knows I know the truth about his deception? He’d probably just be pretending anyway in hopes that I won’t go tell his wife or anyone else. But based on his tendency towards anger and arguments, he’d probably just want to fight, and I have no desire to go there.

 

[ericka1701]

I’ve already blocked his number. When he called today, it was from a “private” (caller id blocked) number. Since no one else I know blocks their number when calling me, and considering that the call came in just minutes after I sent him that text, I knew it was probably him so I didn’t pick up the phone.

Sure enough, he left a voicemail, so I knew the “private” caller was in fact him.

Thanks for helping me stay strong in my resolve not to ever speak to him again. I just don’t think there is anything more to be said, and I don’t want to get drawn into any arguments. Whatever it is he’s got to say, perhaps he should say it to his wife, his priest, and to God in his prayers. He should ask THEM for forgiveness.

Maybe all he wants to do is apologize to me now, I don’t know, but should I listen? Would the apology be sincere and heartfelt, or would it just be an attempt to cover his hide now that he knows I know the truth about his deception? He’d probably just be pretending anyway in hopes that I won’t go tell his wife or anyone else. But based on his tendency towards anger and arguments, he’d probably just want to fight, and I have no desire to go there.

I’ve heard that sometimes the best apology is to just leave the other person alone. I’ve found that true in my life, especially with those with anger or other psychological disturbances.

I continue to pray for them, but for the safety of everyone involved there should be no further contact.

God Bless
Ericka

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

Ericka,

Thanks for the advice and support; I do need some help in staying strong enough not to call him back. Part of me wants to give him an earful because I’m mad about being lied to, but the bigger part of me knows it would serve no useful purpose and might open me up to getting hurt again. I don’t want to re-open the wound, I only want to close it now so it can heal.

 

[jmcrae]

Ericka,

Thanks for the advice and support; I do need some help in staying strong enough not to call him back. Part of me wants to give him an earful because I’m mad about being lied to, but the bigger part of me knows it would serve no useful purpose and might open me up to getting hurt again. I don’t want to re-open the wound, I only want to close it now so it can heal.

That seems to me like the wisest course of action - let the wound close, so that it can heal.

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

I just ran across another thread here on the forums regarding how Catholics interpret the scriptural definition of “adultery” and it raises an interesting question as regards my situation:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=307553

I know there is some disagreement as to whether a married man commits adultery when he engages in lustful thoughts or actions with an unmarried woman. Some make the argument that this is perfectly okay as long as the woman he’s hitting on isn’t married, even if HE is.

Some interpret the scriptures as saying it is only adultery when the sexual thoughts/contact is between two married persons.

Based on all the replies here on my thread, in regards to what happened to me, all seem to agree that this man committed adultery by dating me for two months behind his wife’s back and not telling me he was married. Even though I am single, it seems most here would define what he did as adultery.

So now I am confused after reading that other thread…does anyone here think that what this man did was not adultery just because I happen to be single and unmarried?

Will be interested to hear your thoughts on this!

I’m not Catholic, but my interpretation of the scripture is that no married person should cheat on their spouse, whether the cheating is done with an unmarried or married person. Otherwise, why would the commandments address the subject twice?

“Thou shalt not commit adultery”
AND
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife”

It seems the issue of cheating with someone else’s wife is addressed separately in the commandments (although I know this is more widely interpreted as an instruction not to take anything that does not belong to you), although that too, is certainly adultery.

Would most Catholics agree with the interpretation that ALL cheating is adultery, regardless of who you’re cheating with?

 

[jmcrae]

I just ran across another thread here on the forums regarding how Catholics interpret the scriptural definition of “adultery” and it raises an interesting question as regards my situation:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=307553

I know there is some disagreement as to whether a married man commits adultery when he engages in lustful thoughts or actions with an unmarried woman. Some make the argument that this is perfectly okay as long as the woman he’s hitting on isn’t married, even if HE is.

Notice the location of the person posting the question - he is not likely to be a well-educated Catholic. (Notice also that no one has responded to him, yet.)

There is no confusion at all about this in Catholic thought. A married person (whether male or female) who does with another person who is not their spouse (whether or not that other person is married) what can only be done between single people who are thinking of marrying each other, or between married people, is committing adultery.

Some interpret the scriptures as saying it is only adultery when the sexual thoughts/contact is between two married persons.

If both of them were single and thinking of marrying each other, as long as there is no sex, it falls under the heading of “courtship” as long as whatever they do (kissing, etc.) is by mutual consent. (It’s “assault” if there is no mutual consent.) But if one of them is married, then it’s adultery. And if an unmarried couple has sex outside of marriage, it’s “fornication.”

Based on all the replies here on my thread, in regards to what happened to me, all seem to agree that this man committed adultery by dating me for two months behind his wife’s back and not telling me he was married. Even though I am single, it seems most here would define what he did as adultery.

Yes.

So now I am confused after reading that other thread…does anyone here think that what this man did was not adultery just because I happen to be single and unmarried?

NO. There is no “open season” on single women, in Catholic thought. It would be an insult to Our Blessed Lady. We regard single women as sisters in the Lord, and as virgin companions of Our Lady. You are a heavenly treasure, to be guarded with the sword of St. Michael (which is the sword of virtue).

Don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

 

[jmcrae]

Would most Catholics agree with the interpretation that ALL cheating is adultery, regardless of who you’re cheating with?

Yes. Definitely.

 

[SomeSunnyDay]

Whew, I think I feel a bit better now, thanks!

Your interpretation of the commandments agrees with mine entirely - that ANY lustful thoughts/actions of a married person towards another who is not their spouse (regardless of whether or not the object of the lust is married or not) is adultery.

I have always thought that the commandments make this VERY clear by addressing adultery and coveting thy neighbor’s wife separately. If God had meant to say only “don’t steal from your neighbor” - why the careful choice of language about stealing your “neighbor’s wife”? (Could have just as easily been “don’t covet your neighbor’s plow” or “don’t covet your neighbor’s horse?”)

Besides, the commandments already make it clear that “thou shalt not steal.” And that pretty much covers everything one could steal - be it a plow, a horse, or your neighbor’s wife.

Adultery is addressed separately - and I think there is a good reason for that.

 

[jmcrae]

Whew, I think I feel a bit better now, thanks!

Your interpretation of the commandments agrees with mine entirely - that ANY lustful thoughts/actions of a married person towards another who is not their spouse (regardless of whether or not the object of the lust is married or not) is adultery.

I have always thought that the commandments make this VERY clear by addressing adultery and coveting thy neighbor’s wife separately. If God had meant to say only “don’t steal from your neighbor” - why the careful choice of language about stealing your “neighbor’s wife”? (Could have just as easily been “don’t covet your neighbor’s plow” or “don’t covet your neighbor’s horse?”)

Besides, the commandments already make it clear that “thou shalt not steal.” And that pretty much covers everything one could steal - be it a plow, a horse, or your neighbor’s wife.

Adultery is addressed separately - and I think there is a good reason for that.

That, and the fact that the neighbor’s wife is not “property” - rather, the marriage is a covenant relationship between equals; not a relationship of owner and property.

An owner can have more than one cow, because cows are property (and within certain limits, he can do with them whatever he wants, including sell them to someone else), but a husband cannot have more than one wife (and he must remain married to his wife; he can’t divorce her), because his wife is his partner in a permanent covenant that establishes the foundation of a family. Their children are related by blood to both of them, and through their children, they become kin with each other. There is an unbreakable and inviolable bond, there.