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Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
And thus enable their unrepentant, continuous harassment? No need to. God doesnât ask that of us. We have a right to protect ourselves from people who refuse to change their bad behaviour.Forgive them!
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ela2
Guest
Thanks for all the answers! God blessâŚ
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Allegra
Guest
Those arenât mutually exclusive. You can forgive someone and still draw boundaries.
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Joy2day
Guest
At least you are making an effort to attempt to communicate with them. Unfortunately they are not meeting you half way when they are obviously dishonest (assuming that it was an obvious insult x? and which could not be dismissed normally). It would seem that by their response, they have shut down in attempting to have any sort of real relationship with you based on respect and honesty.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
I would just avoid people who make those comments like the plague. They obviously do not care to change.
Now, if it is someone you just canât avoid for reasonâs such as you work with them, I would just ignore their behaviour as best as you can. Hopefully, when they see they can no longer get a rise out of you and go find another victim
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shainski
Guest
I like this comment.
I like to always assume that the other person was unintentionally being hurtful. I try to twist what they said in the best way possible.
Now, if there is a history with one person, then I will alter my opinions.
Every one of us has things that we are sensitive to. And others may not be aware of our sensitivity.
I used to have a good friend when I was first out of college in my new job. He was a nice guy - but he had a way of zoning in on the thing that a person was most sensitive to and making an oblivious comment about it. I knew him well enough to know it wasnât intentional. But he had a way of commenting to a young woman who may have gained a few pounds something about her weight - or a guy who lost some hair about his shiny spot on his head.
Now, the thing about Paul - he wasnât perfect himself - but he didnât take things personally if someone made a similar comment about him. If someone mentioned his hair falling out - he would just think âYeah, it isâ and he wouldnât be self-conscious at all.
Now-a-days many people seem very sensitive about a lot of things. So much so, that it can be hard to navigate the social scene for some people.
And as Joe pointed out - all of us have said inappropriate things without realizing it.
Years ago, I was out jogging with a friend. We came across a rather heavy-set woman walking an huge dog. I donât know what made me say it, and it wasnât meant badly, but I blurted out. âWow, that dog is almost as big as you are.â. The instant it left my mouth, I realized how badly it came out (and it truly was meant to be a comment about the dog and not the walker). But, I knew the damage was already done. Trying to explain it away would only make it worse. So we kept on jogging. I donât even know if the walker took offense. To this day, I still see that old jogging partner from time-to-time. Iâm not known for saying ill-advised comments to people - Iâm usually quite sensitive to it. But she will bring it up in a roar of laughter at how I made that statement.
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Joe_5859
Guest
Open mouth, insert foot!
Based on subsequent posts from the OP, it sounds like this particular situation is past the stage where the presumption of good will applies. I think itâs still good advice in general, though.
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DarkLight
Guest
Yeah thatâs why I suggested what I did. At some point it is incumbent on the individual to remember what someone else is sensitive about. And itâs perfectly appropriate to point out that at some point making no effort to change hurtful behavior is itself an offense.Open mouth, insert foot!
Based on subsequent posts from the OP, it sounds like this particular situation is past the stage where the presumption of good will applies. I think itâs still good advice in general, though.
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shainski
Guest
Itâs still not clear to me - and I reread the thread.Open mouth, insert foot!
Based on subsequent posts from the OP, it sounds like this particular situation is past the stage where the presumption of good will applies. I think itâs still good advice in general, though.
But, if the assumption is that someone is saying something hurtful deliberately, than why keep open a relationship with that person?
It seems to me that you can choose to accept how someone else is and overlook their flaws, or you can remove that person from your life.
It does no good to keep wishing that they were a way that they are not. If you have told them how you feel, and it has done no good, then it is time to put some distance between you.
One of my brotherâs MIL, âAliceâ was a sassy- say-whatever-thought-came-to-her - kind of woman. My mom never got sarcasm - and it hurt her deeply when someone said something ill of one of her children. So my mom would always be upset when she talked to Alice. One time Alice - when my brother was walking up the sidewalk - said âHere comes ugly.â My mom replies to her, âHere comes Handsome.â. (My mom told me the story later and was so proud that she had this zinger comeback to the assault on her son. I just had to laugh. There was no way that Alice got the subtly or understood that my mom was upset at her statement). And, truthfully, there was nothing you would have been able to say to Alice that would have changed her basic demeanor. It was just the way she was. And also, there was nothing you would have been able to say to my mom that would have allowed her to understand that Alice was just joking. It was just better if they didnât spend a lot of time together.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Go back and read post 14 by the OP. It is pretty clear that the person saying what they said deserves no assumption of innocence.
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EasterJoy
Guest
No, you cannot always âremove that person from your life,â nor should you need to. These persons can be siblings, parents, in-laws, and extended family. They can be fellow parishioners, co-workers, friends, friends of friends, and family of friends. It can even be a spouse, on a bad day. Such offenders may also decent to be around until the rare day they choose to get their dig in. Thatâs the day you call them on it, because you have tried to imagine an excuse, and you know quite well there isnât one.
Besides, we donât have to remain social Quakers up until the point we exercise the nuclear option. We are talking about people who deserve a good snap on the wrist. We donât have to let them keep robbing us blind as if nothing were wrong, until the day weâve had too much and whip out the cleaver to remove the offending hand. There is a middle way!
These are examples of the problem:
a) preferring to make thin excuses instead of admitting wrongdoing when caught red-handed, in order to cling to a veneer of either niceness or social perfection
b) unwillingness to think about others before saying something nasty
c) making an effort to keep all conflict and aggression covert, remaining willing to be hostile on occasion but never openly admitting hostility
It is good to stay calm, it is good not to let someone rile you up too much when riling you up may be their goal, after all, but it is not necessary to act as if no correction is in order. We are allowed to have boundaries, we ought to be open about themââfences make good neighborsââand barriers donât have to be electrified-razor-wire-or-nothing. Make your points judiciously and graciously, with a few planks of stout cedar, and you may go a lifetime without needing the razor wire.
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