I do not get along well with my dad but desperately want to have better relations with him

[Holly3278]

Hey everyone. I do not get along well with my dad at all but I desperately want to get along with him better and have better relations with him. My dad is constantly criticizing me and he does so in a very grouchy manner. Often times when he criticizes me it quickly escalates into yelling regardless of how I react to him. I could react to what he is saying in as charitable a way as possible and yet he will still start yelling at me. Now, granted, most of his criticism is perfectly valid and is constructive criticism but it is the way in which he delivers this criticism which I think causes problems. Of course my reaction to his criticism is also a problem. I have a tendency to get upset with him and sometimes very upset with him because of the way he criticizes with me and this often leads to arguments regrettably. I hate that this is the way things are but because of the way things are I rarely go over to see him or call him on the phone unless necessary. I am trying to be as charitable as I possibly can towards him but it is very difficult.

Also, I admittedly hold a grudge against him because of the way he treated my mom when he was married to her. He was an alcoholic and he would frequently yell at her. One time he broke her nose although that was the only time that I can remember that he was ever physically violent to her. I witnessed much of this verbal abuse and I also witnessed the one instance of physical abuse. This regrettably lead to me holding a grudge against him. Now, don’t get me wrong, **I have forgiven him of all that he ever did **but still what I witnessed left psychological scars which unfortunately still greatly affect how I act towards him. I hate this and I hope and pray that God would change this horrible aspect of mine.

Finally, there is one more thing I want to mention which I think is relevant to this issue. My Grandma died in June of 2011. She was his mom. She was my paternal grandma. Anyway, my dad felt like I was pretty much a total failure towards her while she was alive and he feels that I still am to this day. He often tells me how I have greatly disappointed Grandma because I have not improved in the ways in which both him and her wanted me to improve. Admittedly I have not improved and I do desperately need to improve but for some reason and regrettably so, I have not. Nevertheless, these comments he makes toward me about my Grandma hurt me very deeply. My Grandma was much like a second mom towards me because she raised me from the time I was 13 until I moved out due to an abusive situation with my then step-dad.

So anyway, if you all could please offer some advice or at least prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. I hate the fact that my relations toward my dad are in such a horrible situation and I feel like as though I am offending God by letting them be this way but I have no idea how to change it. I would like to engage in family counseling with my dad but I don’t think he is open to it. For the most part he thinks that psychiatrists and counselors are “shrinks” (a derogatory term) or at least that is what he used to think. Regardless, he is quite biased against them and I do not think he would be willing to engage in any sort of family counseling regardless of the fact that my Medicaid would cover it.

So as you can see, I am pretty much at a loss as to what to do to improve the situation with my dad but I desperately want it to improve. I feel like I am failing God big time by letting things be the way they are and I hate that. I also hate the fact that things are so tense and rough between my dad. He is my dad and I love him very much. I always have and I always will. However, with things the way they are, it really saddens me and I desperately want things to improve although I have no idea what to do to make them improve. Your (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Robertanthony]

Holly, Jesus said that we recognize a tree by its fruits. What kind of fruit does your dad bear? To get along with someone means two people have to make an effort. It’s near impossible to get along with someone who constantly criticizes us, tells us we’re a disappointment, is grouchy and so on. While my dad is not exactly like yours, i’ve never felt close or cherished by my dad, I wish I could have had a father that cherished me and with whom I would have felt close and connected. You’re not failing anybody, certainly not God and I’m sure he’s proud of you for forgiving the bad things that your father has done and for trying to make things work. Don’t be so tough on yourself. Perhaps if there’s something that your father likes to do (sports, seeing a movie, going to the park etc.), having a pleasant time together where there is no negativity or criticism would help you feel closer to your father. God bless.

 

[robwar]

How old are you? Do you still live at home and need to depend on him? Sorry about such a harsh father. Is he a hard worker and overly tired? Is there a way to leave and get out?

 

[George_Stegmeir]

Holly: Been there, done that. I don’t know how old you are, or whether or not you are living at home, or how close you live to your father.
In my experience, I am from an old fashioned immigrant family. My father was a stiff necked old fashioned German whose concept of family life was “Kinder, Kuchen, Kirche” which applies to women and means that their place is having and raising children, cooking and taking the family to church.
I left home and went to sea (merchant service-then US Navy) at a very young age, and my father never forgave me. The only way we got along was on brief visits home, staying just long enough for the first fight to develope and leaving before it got started. I got my education on my own, receiving neither financial nor moral support fot it. Fast forward many years to when I was a Ship Captain at a very Junior rank. My father came to visit, and I thought he would be proud of me considering that I was a success in my career.
WRONG!!! I was told that I was a bum because sailors are nothing more than international hobos and I should have a job where I could be home every night with my wife and his grandchildren. Needless to say, I didn’t talk to him for several years afterwards.
It was only after my father was in advanced age (over 80), that we both calmed down and accepted each other for the people we were.
I have a similar situation with my oldest son, who is a college professor. We get along only because he lives in Virginia and I live in New York, and we see each other only a couple of times a year. We do talk on the phone and by e-mail occassionally, but we are both careful not to rile each other on purpose. However, let me put our relationship this way: He is not a person I would choose to go out beer drinking with and vice versa.
The only advice I can give you is to go out on your own as soon as you can. Be independant. There is some merit in the saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. It works both ways.

 

[Holly3278]

How old are you? Do you still live at home and need to depend on him? Sorry about such a harsh father. Is he a hard worker and overly tired? Is there a way to leave and get out?

Well, I am 30 years old. I live by myself in an apartment which is a less than 5 minute drive from his house. I think part of what complicates the whole situation is the fact that his long-term girlfriend is my representative payee for my SSI and so inevitably if I fail in some matter or something he’ll get all angry and stuff. I think, but can’t remember for sure whether this happened or not, that one time he threatened to not let me have my weekly check because I did something wrong. I really really want a different payee but the only other people I trust who are in my family live too far away and I don’t want some random person who has to be hired with my own money to do the job.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I had an alcoholic mother and from my experience, trying to get that loving, supporting, encouraging, ‘soft place to come to’ parent is like getting blood from a stone. How he is is not going to change unless he wants to change. (If he blames you, it’s not his fault now, is it?) You might want to check out Al-Anon, which is people who are affected by an alcoholic in their lives. That may be the kind of group to help you work through this.

Some things I’ve tried have been…
I see you’re not in a very good space at the moment, talk to you another day when you feel better. Leave or hang up.
Now you don’t really mean that, then give a big smile and a kiss. Talk to you when you’re in a better mood. Leave.
You know that’s not good for your blood pressure, maybe just sit down a spell and breathe.
If you say so dad. Change the subject and have a subject ready to go. Spring is a great subject. Did you see any geese come in? Are the flowers coming up yet? I really enjoyed those cherry tomatoes last year, are you planting them again this year?

For me, there was a familiar pattern my folks fell into when I was over. It was much better when I was married and visited with my husband. The dynamic of the conversation changed with an ‘outsider’ there. He wasn’t part of the pattern and it made visits much more pleasant.

God our Father is a loving, encouraging, forgiving, soft place to come kind of Father. Spend time with him and in forgiveness, place your dad in His hands and take the hand of your Heavenly Father. Spend more time in prayer with your Father, tell Him your troubles, about your day, what your worries are. He will never leave or forsake you and he can be that dad your heart longs for. God bless and strengthen you.

 

[Moore11]

Holly, I will pray for you and really have no other advice to give. But I will pray…

As an aside you might want to see if you can change the title.

 

[SAVINGRACE]

Hello Holly,

I will keep both of you in my prayers.

Is your Dad a Catholic or non-Catholic christian?

If he is, you could try mediation with your Priest or Pastor?

If your Dad is deadset against counsellors/therapists etc, the other possibility is having another older member of the family or family friend who he respects mediate with a Talking Stick and set the rules:

1. Only the person with the Stick talks.
2. Don’t use negative language like ‘you do this… or… I hate it when you…or …I don’t like… etc’,
3. Use language that promotes settlement like '“Will that work for you?” not"Do you have a problem with that?". Say “it makes me feel sad/angry/worthless/upset/ when you say/do this” or “We have a chance to make some really valuable decisions about our relationship.”

Older people get set in their ways and viewpoints, it is very difficult for them to change but not impossible. Conflict can be an opportunity for growth.

Good luck

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I hate the fact that my relations toward my dad are in such a horrible situation and I feel like as though I am offending God by letting them be this way but I have no idea how to change it.

I feel like I am failing God big time by letting things be the way they are and I hate that.

Holly,

he is offending God by acting this way and he has failed you as a father. You see, the role of a father should be to protect and take care of his children, not to abuse them. I don’t know if you are aware that you have been emotionally abused by him. If you were raised to believe that there was something intrinsically wrong with you than you grow up believing that about yourself. Your post reveals that. You blame yourself for his problems and his attitude. This is not right. These things are not your fault, no matter what he says.

It takes two to tango. If your father is not willing to change and refuses to seek treatment, then you can’t perform a miracle and make him change. You can only change yourself and approach this relationship as an adult in order to change the dynamic between you. People who have been abused by parents tend to stay in the role of the child and accept punishment as something normal and deserved. May I suggest you discuss this with someone, a councelor perhaps, in order to understand better what you have been exposed to in your family, as well as to see more clearly what that has caused. I believe that a deeper understanding of the situation will bring you closer to healing. And of course, you need prayer, prayer, and more prayer.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi Holly, may God Bless your most beautiful soul, heart mind and body now and for Eternity.

Make the Sign of The Cross in your mind on each and every occasion you are conversing with your Father. Before, during and after your visits. You are not a disappointment to God, The Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ our Saviour and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus whom are the only people in your life who truly matter.

I am hoping that you are not living with your Father and only see him every now and then.
If you are living with your Father, try and organise to do some housesitting in your local area for breaks in between to heal from the past, while praying The Holy Rosary to get you through life more easily, along with becoming Baptized in The Catholic Church, attending Mass each week and Reconciliation.

Place Jesus’ Crucifix (purchase at a Christian or Catholic Bookshop) in the home where you and your Father converse, Holy Images of both Jesus and Our Lady Mary in addition to picking up a Holy Scapula and Mother Mary’s Miraculous Medal for both yourself and your Father (put them under his mattress) if he won’t wear it on a chain.

Love and best wishes.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

[Chantal25]

I feel for you because you are in the middle of this and it is difficult to have clarity in the situation and detach from the hurt.

Your cross is heavy but even Jesus had someone to help him. So please pray even more and especially for your father. Pray to be able to forgive as Jesus.

It is a great time to meditate on Jesus passion. He wasn’t only hurt physically but emotionally as well.

It is seen as a great honor for the stigmatic to carry the physical wound of Jesus but other carry the emotional wound (Not being understood, being mock, being judged, being abandon, being betrayal).

You are young but we are never given what we cannot handle. Right now, you are being crucified emotionally and you can use this opportunity to offer your suffering to God to save soul. This way, you will feel that your pains aren’t in vain and they are helping. It is a great honor to carry the wound of Jesus either physically or emotionally. See yourself as God loves you and he knows you can do this.

Pray for your father as much as you can. That poor soul is such in trouble. When we die, this is it. So please pray for him. Jesus said the greatest sinner are even more entitle to his mercy. He loves your dad as much he loves you, so help him to save his soul with prayer and sacrifice. Mother Mary will show you the way.

Commit to say the rosary once a week. Mother Mary will pray for you and don’t forget that she is full of grace and blessed by God. Jesus listen to her at the wedding with the miracle of the wine. She then told the servant to do what her son say

If possible, try to seek to be completely financially independent.

I pray for you and your family.

 

[Holly3278]

Holly, I will pray for you and really have no other advice to give. But I will pray…

As an aside you might want to see if you can change the title.

Why would I need to change my title Moore? I am confused.

That said, I am not sure if I am in an abusive situation or not but I will take your word for it Contra Mundum as I am sure you are more wise than I in this situation.

That said, one of you asked whether or not I live with him. Thankfully I do not live with him. I live by myself and I only visit him about once a week and sometimes not even that much. The only time I usually go over there is to get my weekly check from my SSI account so I have money to spend on gas and things that I need.

As for becoming financially independent, that is impossible for me. I am horrible at math and I have never been able to handle a bank account. I can barely even do basic math so there is no way I could ever handle my own finances.

 

[robwar]

Well, I am 30 years old. I live by myself in an apartment which is a less than 5 minute drive from his house. I think part of what complicates the whole situation is the fact that his long-term girlfriend is my representative payee for my SSI and so inevitably if I fail in some matter or something he’ll get all angry and stuff. I think, but can’t remember for sure whether this happened or not, that one time he threatened to not let me have my weekly check because I did something wrong. I really really want a different payee but the only other people I trust who are in my family live too far away and I don’t want some random person who has to be hired with my own money to do the job.

Is there anyone else that can be your representative payee that can help you and you can trust? This way you are totally out from under their thumb. You are 30 years old and i would think that the check should go directly into your own account. I am sorry about your father very much. I think the longing you have for a good relationship can be transfered to your heavenly Father since he is a Father to the fatherless. People who have drawn close to God as their Father in replacement for the lousy or absent dads are never disappointed.
May God bless you abundantly.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

That said, I am not sure if I am in an abusive situation or not but I will take your word for it Contra Mundum as I am sure you are more wise than I in this situation.

I don’t know if I am wise but I have suffered abuse from a parent, so speak from experience. Some things just stand out when I read about other people’s situations, and I see similarities in such stories. I think that the most difficult thing is to recognise the situation for what it is. That is why I suggested you speak to someone who will be able to help you understand what is going on. Because if you carry on trying to make things better and worrying about offending God, while it is your father who is possibly the source of the problem - you will get nowhere. I know so many people who waste their precious years in trying to make their parents happy, but they can’t. That is why I belive it is crucial to establish what can be done and what can’t in a certain relationship. That realisation brings a certain degree of freedom and peace.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I think the longing you have for a good relationship can be transfered to your heavenly Father since he is a Father to the fatherless. People who have drawn close to God as their Father in replacement for the lousy or absent dads are never disappointed.

That is really well put and so true. To have a father but be fatherless is a very sad thing. I thank God for the gift of faith and for being able to recognise that He is my Father. He has never let me down. I hope that Holly will be consoled in the same way.

 

[robwar]

That is really well put and so true. To have a father but be fatherless is a very sad thing. I thank God for the gift of faith and for being able to recognise that He is my Father. He has never let me down. I hope that Holly will be consoled in the same way.

Contra,
I am truly sorry for you as well. May all those who have had missing/abusive/lousy fathers be blessed by the most perfect loving Father of all, our heavenly one.
peace