I do not know how to stop myself. {about homosexuality}

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Draggar

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I am young. I won’t give my exact age, but I am old enough to have at least some kind of head on my shoulders.

For the past year, I have enjoyed an increasingly physical, clingy, and affectionate relationship with a friend of mine.

So you know - both me and this person are Catholic and have been raised with Catholic morals and virutes.

Recently, I had a long discussion with this person. In short, I told her that I loved her and that I loved her more than I should. I made it clear to her, however, that I am not homosexual and that I would never want to kiss her or anything.

And it’s absolutely killing me inside that I have doubted that ever since I told her. I mean, I don’t doubt that I love her, because I do. I love her entirely. I do strongly doubt, however, that I love her just as a friend. I hate to say it, but I honestly believe that I love her as more than just a friend.

I’m not sure how to stop myself, or if I even can.

We’re extremely close, in all sense of the word. She’s a person I can tell anything to. And we’re close physically as well. On more than one occasion, I’ve found myself brushing against her just to touch her, wrapping my arm around her chair, putting my head on her shoulder, and once holding her as we slept (spooning, I think a lot of people call it). This worries me greatly.

I constantly find myself becoming very jealous of anyone who expresses fondness with her - whether they be girls or boys. I am so protective and clingy and I fear that it is going beyond being platonic and that I will be unable to help myself.

Please don’t tell me this is just infatuation or a silly phase - I feel strongly enough to know that it is not.

I have always been very prayerful and close to God. But I do not understand this.
 
The devil is after you. First off, pray. Second, I’d suggest seeing less of this person. Maybe if you could get away for a few weeks, go on vacation, get other things on your mind. I once found myself looking at a girl once (I’m female). I couldn’t believe it, I felt like puking. I realized it was the devil. I ran as fast as I could. I’m no homo, gosh, heck no, I’m no homo. It’s just the devil trying to attack you in one direction that maybe he couldn’t get you from another.
 
I have to see this person every day - we do go to school with each other. I do not think I have the strength not to see her and I can’t just ignore her. She doesn’t deserve that, but then, she doesn’t deserve the alternative either. =/
 
My understanding is that sometimes female friendships can get too close–it’s in the nature of the way women form friendships. And sometimes that longing for closeness in friendship can cause you (especially if you are still in your teens) to get confused in your feelings for another woman. First off, it does NOT mean that you are gay. Longing for physical closeness (walking arm in arm, whatever) is NOT always related to sex. The problem is that homosexuality is so oversold in our culture, that all physical contact between unrelated people of the same sex raises the question “is this homosexuality?”

The thing is, the more you dwell on it, the worse it gets. The more you think about your friend and wonder whether your feelings are homosexual, the more you are thinking of sex in relation to your friend. The problem here is not homosexuality, but too much introspection. Do something else. Take up a new sport. If you’re old enough, look around for a guy to date. Too much time spent thinking about sex in relation to your friend can cause you to have sexual feelings about her, even if you are not at all gay. If you can’t control your worry, set up a few times a day where you have, say, 5 minutes to worry about it. It is a lot easier to put off your worry for a couple of hours than to just stop altogether, and if you limit it to certain times, you won’t be spending all day dwelling on it.

Feeling jealous about a friend is NOT an indication of homosexuality. It is an indication of jealousy, which (if you dwell on it) is not only a sin, but a great misfortune as well. Confess the jealousy in your next confession. Unfortunately, friendship is talked about so infrequently in our society, that the bad things that can happen in friendship (like wanting to be all-in-all to each other, or just on one side) don’t get a lot of press. So it is natural to think that any jealousy you feel is the only kind of jealousy that you ever see on TV or in the movies–romantic jealousy. But you can feel jealous of a friend’s time and attention, without your relationship being in an way romantic.

So in short, I suggest you try to worry about it less, pray about it when it bothers you (a rosary is a good idea here), and confess the jealousy at your next confession, which should be reasonably soon, say within a month or so. Do not wait until next Lent. 🙂

Just my :twocents:

God bless you,

–Jen
 
Some suggestions, you decide.

If it as strong as you suggest, you need to discuss this with a qualified person who can respond beyond a laymans guess. I would suggest you call the parish and inquire about christian counseling.

No one has ever conquered temptation on their own. Realizing that is a big step. You cannot do it, it takes you and GOD. HE needs to hear from you, that you want to change. If you want to change, in prayer ask HIM, call out to HIM. Not once, or twice, but constantly, such as “Jesus and Mary, help me”, sincerely and patiently. HE will know what “help” you need, just ask for it, be strong and wait for the Lord in continuous prayer.

Finally, get a little plastic bottle, that you see in the Wal Mart stores, that you can keep in your back pack. Go to the church and they generally have a container of Holy Water for such containers in the main foyer. Keep it filled with Holy Water, and when you are tempted, bless yourself with the Holy Water. Devils cannot stand the presence of Holy Water.
 
Draggar, I would highly suggest that you carefully consider what revert_jen has said.

Sometimes emotional dependency can lead heterosexual women into a sexual relationship with each other. I suggest that you do avoid obsessing over or worrying about this situation (which would likely make this situation worse). I would not suggest avoiding her (which I think would make it worse), but I would also recommend that you try to hang out with a larger group of friends (so you don’t rely on her as a sole close friend).
 
Today our society tries to convince us that homosexuality is normal and an “alternative” to heterosexuality. So of course when many people develop close friendships with those of the same sex, they consider the fact that they might be gay, since we are told repeatedly that it is an “alternative”. But beware! Those that tell us that homosexual behavior is a viable alternative are trying to justify the sin for themselves. I strongly believe that if we lived in a society where homosexuality was not seen as a viable alternative, not so many people would even consider the fact that they might be romantically linked with someone of the same sex.

The first thing you should do (as I’m sure you’ve already done), is pray pray pray! I would definitely start with doing a Divine Mercy novena. Also avoid putting yourself in situations where you know you might be put into temptation. The devil loves to pick on people that he knows are devout to God, and he relishes when we fall. Don’t give him that pleasure! I’ll be praying for you!
 
Thank you so much, everyone. I see her again tomorrow. I will try to hold myself back.
 
Draggar said:
Thank you so much, everyone. I see her again tomorrow. I will try to hold myself back.
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Hold yourself back, but I would again recommending avoiding obsessing over staying away from her. Obsessing over staying away from her (I think) will likely have the opposite of the intended affect.

Perhaps rather than focusing on staying away from her, it would be better to focus on hanging out with other friends. Doing this will likely keep yourself from getting too close to her and keep you occupied. If your relationship with her is one with emotional dependency, than hanging out with others would be good for you.
 
Julian0404 said:
Some suggestions, you decide.

If it as strong as you suggest, you need to discuss this with a qualified person who can respond beyond a laymans guess. I would suggest you call the parish and inquire about christian counseling.

No one has ever conquered temptation on their own. Realizing that is a big step. You cannot do it, it takes you and GOD. HE needs to hear from you, that you want to change. If you want to change, in prayer ask HIM, call out to HIM. Not once, or twice, but constantly, such as “Jesus and Mary, help me”, sincerely and patiently. HE will know what “help” you need, just ask for it, be strong and wait for the Lord in continuous prayer.

.
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Dittos. This is an area where a qualified counselor (preferably Catholic) might be of assistance to help you sort things out…along with prayer, of course.
 
You’ve already gotten some great advice here, so I have nothing new to add other than to reiterate that you pray; just give yourself and this whole thing over to God. Entrust yourself to His will and trust that He will lead you in the right direction.
Of course, “following God’s will” isn’t always very clear, so for more concrete advice I would also say that revert_jen (and BobObob) have given you some real words of wisdom. Good luck! 🙂
 
Thank you again for all the advice.

=/ I will try to follow it.

I am having so much trouble understanding everything though. It doesn’t just feel good - it feels right. And I hate that I think that, but I do. She makes me so very happy and I know that I go too far. I don’t think she’d let me take it so far and I probably wouldn’t either, but I can’t tell for sure.

I don’t understand anything. She saved my life (no, I’m not stuck on that) and she’s the exact opposite of another girl I knew, who actually forced me into a sexual relationship (we were VERY young and I knew nothing about anything).
 
Draggar:

I think you are experimenting at this point.

A devotion to Mary will help you immensely. Rosary once a day unfailing.

On the other front you will need to break off your relation with your friend and seek occasions with guys, but never intimate. You will need to find other diversions as well. You will need to take control of yourself and learn to substitute. You will need to learn to say, “No, I’m not going through with this, instead I’ll do …”

At this point there is the possibility of scandal, but the more you are seen to have interests with only guys, eventually it will fade. You will be watched closely.

It’s good that you came to seek a solution at this early stage.

Good for you. 🙂

Andy
 
Draggar said:
I don’t understand anything. She saved my life (no, I’m not stuck on that) and she’s the exact opposite of another girl I knew, who actually forced me into a sexual relationship (we were VERY young and I knew nothing about anything).
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It sounds like (and this is just speculation based off of what you wrote) this attraction to this other girl may be due to:

1 You having had a sexual relationship before.

2 Emotional dependency. Emotional dependency can cause a relationship between two heterosexual women to become sexualized.
 
I think it would be just useless for me to avoid her or break off relations or anything like that. I’ll feel like an idiot, she’ll be hurt, I’ll be hurt, and the friends I have that she shares will be hurt.

If I’m emotionally dependent on her or not, I’m not sure that I could stop that if I tried. Perhaps she could stop it - I have made it clear to her to signal when enough is enough.

It’s not that I ignore boys. I’m friends with all of the boys I know.

And a scandal? Sure, there might be rumors. But I don’t think she or I or anyone close to us honestly cares what other people might think or say. People can think I love her romantically if they want to. It may or may not be true. That will never give them a right to insult me. And I am not afraid to protect myself or her, especially her.

…I don’t know. Separating myself from her does not seem like a good idea. I don’t know how I could possibly do that with any kind of tact either and I don’t think it’s right to just tell her that I’m thinking these things. She doesn’t deserve that kind of weight on her shoulders. =/ Correct me if I’m wrong.
 
Draggar said:
…I don’t know. Separating myself from her does not seem like a good idea. I don’t know how I could possibly do that with any kind of tact either and I don’t think it’s right to just tell her that I’m thinking these things. She doesn’t deserve that kind of weight on her shoulders. =/ Correct me if I’m wrong.
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It may be that you are right, but I don’t imagine separating yourself would seem like a good idea to you regardless of whether it were or not.

Emotional dependance is a heavy weight to put on another person too, even (especially) if they love you (as a friend or whatever way). For the sake of your friend as well as yourself, you do need to try your very hardest to add a little distance. Basically, it is better if you can just pull back a bit, but if you can’t do that, and the temptations continue, it will be your responsibility to find a way to effect a complete separation. That is a big incentive to pull back now, so that you don’t have to have a complete break later. I would think that it should be easier to pull back since summer is coming.

Prayer is going to really help you. God will always be there for you, and no matter how heavy a burden you give Him, He can take it, and will take it gladly and lovingly. And I’m sure all of us are praying for you as well.

–Jen
 
Thank you so much. I think that I am far too dependent on her. I think that I will try my best to give her a little space. I have been trying that recently, and I’ve started to have more conversations with other people. =/
 
Everyone here is offering you great advice, especially Jen.

I was in a similar situation once, only I was not wise enough to seek help on a place like this or lucky enough to have such helpful and graced (name removed by moderator)ut. Unfortunately, my situation brought be to a very dark place.

First of all, it’s extremely normal for two women or girls to develop intense fondness for one another. In another time and place, close friendships with chaste physical affection were commonplace.

Today however, sex has become so exaggerated and prominent, that people have actually sought to disassociate themselves from one another in response. Because of this, the idea of “friendship” is an artifact. It barely exists anymore. Friendships are detached and superficial; rarely are they meaningful and truly loving. But we know that it is not good for us to be alone. Not only do we (if we are called to married life) need a spousal companion, but our incredibly social nature demands that we have platonic companions as well. The death of friendship in modern society is evidenced by a death of charity a concern as well.

Your ability to truly love this person is evidence of your capacity to love. This has nothing to do with sexuality.

I strongly advise you to spend time in prayer. Perhaps you could say a rosary every night for a month. Definitely get to confession. I’m not trying to say you did anything wrong, because I really don’t think you have (yet), but you need to be reminded that you are graced. The Sacrament of Penance will literally grace you, and I believe you will be comforted by it. That combined with some serious prayer and introspection will do you good.

You also need to strip all of your preconceived notions about sexuality and your own sexual orientation. You mentioned a previous friendship that went too far. You are being pressured from all angles to think that you’re gay, and it’s way too much for you to handle. I know. I’ve been there. Seriously. Not only was I being pressured by my own misunderstanding of my friendship and a certain level of immaturity, but the opinions of other people confused me as well (not only people thinking I was gay, but people telling me how wrong it was to be gay). It’s confusing. I didn’t know where I ended and where the me everyone else was painting began. This resulted in years of darkness for me. It took me a long long time to realize that I had let myself believe that I was what the world was saying I was. And this is not to say that there were a lot of rumors or even a lot of discussion about it. I was merely in a situation where I had a very deep friendship, and society succeeded in making me think it was something other than that: a friendship.

So you seriously need to stop and strip away everything. Strip away your past, strip away your misconceptions about friendship and sexuality. Realize that you are not a product of society, but a product of God.

Once you are able to accept the fact that this is probably just a friendship which is really intense (definitely expand your circle of female friends, by the way), you won’t feel so pressured by the situation. You won’t be so tormented by instances of physical contact that are really just innocent. You’ll be able to reclaim your life!

Keep in mind that homosexuality is a complicated disorder characterized by an inordinate sexual arousal caused by members of the same sex. It’s not just feelings of strong friendship.

I truly wish you the best and will pray for you. I know this is a little bit of a cross for you, but keep in mind who has named you as His. 🙂

Pax young friend!
 
Draggar said:
I have been trying that recently, and I’ve started to have more conversations with other people. =/
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Good idea!

One of my psychology professors last semester said that if you want to be happy, get lots of friends.
 
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