M
marjims
Guest
I have a very painful situation that I need help discerning. I am a cradle Catholic, married 30 yrs. My husband was not raised with a faith background, other than occaisonally attending various Protestant churches, but converted to Catholicism 15 yrs. ago. We have three grown children and five grandchildren, and are both 51 yrs. of age.
I accidentally found out 2 1/2 yrs. ago that my husband was having an affair with a Russian woman he had met while on business there. The affair had been going on for a little over 2 yrs. when I found out. I was completely and totally shocked and devastated, as my husband was acting very loving and devoted to me and our children during this time. He had told this woman that I was dead, and had given her a ring and a marriage proposal. She had a teenage daughter and their understanding was that they would come to live here with him. He even had the paperwork to begin the visa process for them. He told me he wanted it to end long before I found out but she developed cancer, and he didn’t want to abandon her when she needed help.
When I and our children found out, and he came home from Russia, he emotionally fell apart, sought confession and counseling and completely broke off all contact with her. It has been a nightmare of enormous proportion to try to come to terms with all of this, but we were well on our way (with many bumps, I’ll admit) to healing through the help of a wonderful Catholic therapist.
My problem now lies in that 1 1/2 yrs. into our reconciliation he lied to me (again, I found out inadvertantly) by trying to see her while she was in the hospital, near to death. He told me he wanted to ask for forgiveness and lied so I would not be upset. He was not allowed to see her, but his further betrayal nearly caused me to leave him. He has maintained all along that he never loved this woman, it was just all a fantasy, but that he feels tremendous guilt at what he did to her, as she was innocent.
Once again, after tremendous will power - really, the grace of God - I looked at all the work and love he was giving toward me and our marriage and decided to stay.
Then, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was one year ago. I really needed and relied on my husband’s unwavering strength through 3 surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation treatments.
I’m sorry this is so long, but here is where I am literally stuck and need help. During my chemotherapy treatment I found out he lied to me again. He had heard through a co-worker that this woman was dying and he wanted to contribute to a fund to help her daughter. Unbeknownst to me, he sold a motorcycle and took the money to the fund manager in Russia, all the while telling me he was in Turkey on business - which he was, part of the time. This was this past May, and I have not been able to get over it, despite his untiring love and kindness toward me.
I feel so betrayed - and at my lowest point, while dealing with my own cancer (which, by the way, I have been given an excellent prognosis - thanks be to God and the intercession of His Blessed Mother) - I felt his choosing assuaging his guilt over her was more important to him than honoring our vows and any honesty between us.
I have forgiven so many times. He says it’s over (but what consolation is that when the only reason, it seems to me that is so, is because she died?). He proves to me every day through action and word that he loves me, but his ability to lie, even when confronted with the truth scares me terribly.
I am devoutly Catholic and would not divorce, but should I stay living with a man, this man I thought I knew from the time we were high school sweethearts, who can so compartmentalize his, and my, life? We are called to forgive, always, but at what point is it fruitless to continue living with a person? At what point does one give up?
I accidentally found out 2 1/2 yrs. ago that my husband was having an affair with a Russian woman he had met while on business there. The affair had been going on for a little over 2 yrs. when I found out. I was completely and totally shocked and devastated, as my husband was acting very loving and devoted to me and our children during this time. He had told this woman that I was dead, and had given her a ring and a marriage proposal. She had a teenage daughter and their understanding was that they would come to live here with him. He even had the paperwork to begin the visa process for them. He told me he wanted it to end long before I found out but she developed cancer, and he didn’t want to abandon her when she needed help.
When I and our children found out, and he came home from Russia, he emotionally fell apart, sought confession and counseling and completely broke off all contact with her. It has been a nightmare of enormous proportion to try to come to terms with all of this, but we were well on our way (with many bumps, I’ll admit) to healing through the help of a wonderful Catholic therapist.
My problem now lies in that 1 1/2 yrs. into our reconciliation he lied to me (again, I found out inadvertantly) by trying to see her while she was in the hospital, near to death. He told me he wanted to ask for forgiveness and lied so I would not be upset. He was not allowed to see her, but his further betrayal nearly caused me to leave him. He has maintained all along that he never loved this woman, it was just all a fantasy, but that he feels tremendous guilt at what he did to her, as she was innocent.
Once again, after tremendous will power - really, the grace of God - I looked at all the work and love he was giving toward me and our marriage and decided to stay.
Then, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was one year ago. I really needed and relied on my husband’s unwavering strength through 3 surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation treatments.
I’m sorry this is so long, but here is where I am literally stuck and need help. During my chemotherapy treatment I found out he lied to me again. He had heard through a co-worker that this woman was dying and he wanted to contribute to a fund to help her daughter. Unbeknownst to me, he sold a motorcycle and took the money to the fund manager in Russia, all the while telling me he was in Turkey on business - which he was, part of the time. This was this past May, and I have not been able to get over it, despite his untiring love and kindness toward me.
I feel so betrayed - and at my lowest point, while dealing with my own cancer (which, by the way, I have been given an excellent prognosis - thanks be to God and the intercession of His Blessed Mother) - I felt his choosing assuaging his guilt over her was more important to him than honoring our vows and any honesty between us.
I have forgiven so many times. He says it’s over (but what consolation is that when the only reason, it seems to me that is so, is because she died?). He proves to me every day through action and word that he loves me, but his ability to lie, even when confronted with the truth scares me terribly.
I am devoutly Catholic and would not divorce, but should I stay living with a man, this man I thought I knew from the time we were high school sweethearts, who can so compartmentalize his, and my, life? We are called to forgive, always, but at what point is it fruitless to continue living with a person? At what point does one give up?
I’m really rather speechless, and taken aback by what you’ve been through. You, are one strong lady, and you sound so connected to Christ. I admire your strength and courage. 
