I don't believe in divorce, but should I separate?

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Serap said:
I agree with you, but life can be complicated at times. Only God can judge this man’s intentions when he went to see the dying woman and help her daughter. We don’t know the reasons for what he did. It’s unfair to feed the OP with the idea that her husband placed more importance on the other woman. How do we know he did that? Only God knows that.
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After placing the other woman and daughter before his wife this man broke his wedding vows again. There is no need for us to have reasons for him to do this, there are NO reasons for breaking your wedding vows.
 
And after all the lies, it’s hard to believe the story about going to see her one last time, etc. I mean, really, he told her his wife was dead; what’s to keep him from telling his wife that she is dead?

He needs to realize that the consequences for his sin are going to be lifelong, and it isn’t his wife’s obligation to magically make everything better.
 
iamrefreshed said:
After placing the other woman and daughter before his wife this man broke his wedding vows again. There is no need for us to have reasons for him to do this, there are NO reasons for breaking your wedding vows.
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As you know Iamrefreshed, life is not always black and white. You have been through a lot with your wife and I respect that about you.

Let’s try to help this lady instead of feeding her with more anxiety.
 
Please have some compassion for her, she is not only dealing with this devastating situation, but her own health issues also. Today she is going in for an appointment, let’s all just take a few moments to pray for her, for her health, and most of all, for her husband and that he will be overpowered with love and dedication for her. Let’s ask the HOLY SPIRIT to fill him with pure and total love for his wife, and his wife only!

Let’s also pray that he finds his way to reconciliation and atones for what he has done and that he will never be tempted to hurt her for the rest of their married lives together…

God bless you all…
 
GerlyOne said:
Please have some compassion for her, she is not only dealing with this devastating situation, but her own health issues also. Today she is going in for an appointment, let’s all just take a few moments to pray for her, for her health, and most of all, for her husband and that he will be overpowered with love and dedication for her. Let’s ask the HOLY SPIRIT to fill him with pure and total love for his wife, and his wife only!

Let’s also pray that he finds his way to reconciliation and atones for what he has done and that he will never be tempted to hurt her for the rest of their married lives together…

God bless you all…
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AMEN!!!
 
Serap said:
As you know Iamrefreshed, life is not always black and white. You have been through a lot with your wife and I respect that about you.

Let’s try to help this lady instead of feeding her with more anxiety.
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I’m not feeding her anxiety. I’m telling her she is being lied to and manipulated by her husband which is a fact.

I fail to see how telling her to ignore her problem and let God figure it out is sound advice. God expects us to help ourselves.
 
marjims said:
I have a very painful situation that I need help discerning. I am a cradle Catholic, married 30 yrs. My husband was not raised with a faith background, other than occaisonally attending various Protestant churches, but converted to Catholicism 15 yrs. ago. We have three grown children and five grandchildren, and are both 51 yrs. of age.
I accidentally found out 2 1/2 yrs. ago that my husband was having an affair with a Russian woman he had met while on business there. The affair had been going on for a little over 2 yrs. when I found out. I was completely and totally shocked and devastated, as my husband was acting very loving and devoted to me and our children during this time. He had told this woman that I was dead, and had given her a ring and a marriage proposal. She had a teenage daughter and their understanding was that they would come to live here with him. He even had the paperwork to begin the visa process for them. He told me he wanted it to end long before I found out but she developed cancer, and he didn’t want to abandon her when she needed help.
When I and our children found out, and he came home from Russia, he emotionally fell apart, sought confession and counseling and completely broke off all contact with her. It has been a nightmare of enormous proportion to try to come to terms with all of this, but we were well on our way (with many bumps, I’ll admit) to healing through the help of a wonderful Catholic therapist.
My problem now lies in that 1 1/2 yrs. into our reconciliation he lied to me (again, I found out inadvertantly) by trying to see her while she was in the hospital, near to death. He told me he wanted to ask for forgiveness and lied so I would not be upset. He was not allowed to see her, but his further betrayal nearly caused me to leave him. He has maintained all along that he never loved this woman, it was just all a fantasy, but that he feels tremendous guilt at what he did to her, as she was innocent.
Once again, after tremendous will power - really, the grace of God - I looked at all the work and love he was giving toward me and our marriage and decided to stay.
Then, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was one year ago. I really needed and relied on my husband’s unwavering strength through 3 surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation treatments.
I’m sorry this is so long, but here is where I am literally stuck and need help. During my chemotherapy treatment I found out he lied to me again. He had heard through a co-worker that this woman was dying and he wanted to contribute to a fund to help her daughter. Unbeknownst to me, he sold a motorcycle and took the money to the fund manager in Russia, all the while telling me he was in Turkey on business - which he was, part of the time. This was this past May, and I have not been able to get over it, despite his untiring love and kindness toward me.
I feel so betrayed - and at my lowest point, while dealing with my own cancer (which, by the way, I have been given an excellent prognosis - thanks be to God and the intercession of His Blessed Mother) - I felt his choosing assuaging his guilt over her was more important to him than honoring our vows and any honesty between us.
I have forgiven so many times. He says it’s over (but what consolation is that when the only reason, it seems to me that is so, is because she died?). He proves to me every day through action and word that he loves me, but his ability to lie, even when confronted with the truth scares me terribly.
I am devoutly Catholic and would not divorce, but should I stay living with a man, this man I thought I knew from the time we were high school sweethearts, who can so compartmentalize his, and my, life? We are called to forgive, always, but at what point is it fruitless to continue living with a person? At what point does one give up?
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His lying was a bi product of charity. I do not agree with it and it dirtied the act of charity itself.

Suffering is part of love.

We are never allowed to give up. To give up is to not allow god in our life anymore.
 
iamrefreshed said:
I’m not feeding her anxiety. I’m telling her she is being lied to and manipulated by her husband which is a fact.

I fail to see how telling her to ignore her problem and let God figure it out is sound advice. God expects us to help ourselves.
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He expects us to be poor of spirit. Your statements lacks this.
 
EvelynEVF said:
And after all the lies, it’s hard to believe the story about going to see her one last time, etc. I mean, really, he told her his wife was dead; what’s to keep him from telling his wife that she is dead?

He needs to realize that the consequences for his sin are going to be lifelong, and it isn’t his wife’s obligation to magically make everything better.
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Your judgments lack charity.
 
Sillara said:
When I read your post I DID get the feeling that you were trying to make excuses for the husband’s behavior, behavior which is, frankly, inexcusable. 😦 (I do not mean unforgivable; with God’s grace any wrong can be forgiven. But there is NO EXCUSE for her husband’s behavior.)
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No sin is excusable. Including our own.
 
Serap said:
I agree with you, but life can be complicated at times. Only God can judge this man’s intentions when he went to see the dying woman and help her daughter. We don’t know the reasons for what he did. It’s unfair to feed the OP with the idea that her husband placed more importance on the other woman. How do we know he did that? Only God knows that.
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There really should not have even been ‘another woman,’ though. Even if he spent 10% of his time with ‘the other woman,’ it was too much. It is somewhat heartbreaking to read about the dilemma he got himself into…but to think that he didn’t love the other woman, is to tell ourselves another lie. In order to get past something like this, the lies need to stop. He is telling his wife, ‘I didn’t love her, she meant nothing…’ Really? He was planning to move her here, and told her his wife was dead, yet she ‘meant nothing?’

Truthfully, I don’t believe marjims, that your husband knows what love REALLY is. I think that is where you both should start over, if you want the marriage to really work. On the one hand, he was telling another woman you died, and then telling you that the other woman didn’t matter–these are also lies. He needs to stop lying, and tell the truth to HIMSELF, first. He needs to get really serious with what he wants in life. He needs to accept that he fell in love perhaps with another woman, and that was wrong. If we don’t tell ourselves what our problems are, we can’t recover from them. If he keeps telling you that the other woman meant nothing, that is not true. His words are not congruent with his actions. If she meant nothing, why did it go on for so long? Granted, she is now deceased, but the reality of his actions is still there.

To me, that is where I think the problem lies…he doesn’t know fully how to love. I think he needs separate counseling on his own…you, marjims are responsible for forgiving your husband…but your husband is responsible for the choices he made, and getting to the conclusion of why he did what he did, so he doesn’t do it again. That, you really can’t help him with.

I am praying hard for you both.
 
Hi marjims;

I was told once a long time ago, when I went to confession…a really difficult confession…that I was ‘overwhelmed with sin.’ Sometimes, we do all the wrong things, when our soul is crying for us to do the right thing. I think that your husband lost his sensibility in all of this, and sadly you are paying the price with the pain you’re in. He is also in pain. People who seek out affairs are searching for something inside themselves, to be filled by another. It doesn’t make it right, and I do think that I would separate…(but that’s just me) You have to do what you feel you need to do, but your husband really sounds like is became overwhelmed with sin. I could relate a while back. It’s a terrible place to be…and I never want to return there! :o

My prayers are with you both. Please take care of yourself…and please make sure your husband starts counseling on his own, he really needs to get to the bottom of all those lies, and pain he caused you…and himself.
 
I think your husband felt like his heart was in the right place.

But you are justifiably hurt. His ‘act of charity’ was based on a relationship connection that shouldn’t have been created in the first place.

His lies damage his wife and his marriage.

Also I will say it does not matter if he believed it to be an act of charity because he is already in a vulnerable emotional position in regards to this lady and he put himself and his marriage right back into a dangerous position for her and her daughter.

Regardless of the moral tit-for-tat that is going on in this thread about if he did a little bad or alot of bad; he still lied to you and continues to show that he will make LARGE decisions about your marriage without consulting you.
Selling a motorcycle? All household items belong equally to the both of you. Going to different countries while leaving you ignorant? What if something had happened to you and you depended him on being where he says he’s going to be?

I am completely orthodox about the Catholic’s understanding of no-divorce. But I strongly believe that you should have him go to individual counseling for an extended period of time. He has alot of issues not the least of which is telling someone else you are dead.

Then find a marriage counselor and try to work on your problems together.

If he doesn’t agree to this then I would recommend separation.

God bless and my prayers are with both of you.
 
nmoerbeek said:
Perhaps you should reread my responses.

*Edit: Grammar + 1 sentence. *
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No need. It’s quite obvious you have no useful advice for this woman but would rather sit in judgement of those who do.

Sad really. Does it somehow make you feel superior?
 
iamrefreshed said:
No need. It’s quite obvious you have no useful advice for this woman but would rather sit in judgement of those who do.

Sad really. Does it somehow make you feel superior?
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I do not judge you iamrefreshed but I believe your advice is flawed. I have a problem with your advice not with you. Here are the reasons why.

Encouraging another person to help themselves is contrary to what St. Alphonsus teaches in the 12 steps of holiness. One of the elements of being holy is to surrender one self to the will of the holy spirit. Guidance on matters of the holy spirit should be sought out with a priest. It is actually the mortal sin of presumption to believe one knows how to obtain grace without the assistance of God.

You accused the husband of **still **lying and manipulating his wife (a fact which you have no evidence to support from the original post only an assumption that because he has done it in the past)

After the man has shown contrition, you dismissed it? The OP did say that

“He proves to me every day through action and word that he loves me, but his ability to lie, even when confronted with the truth scares me terribly.”

As to which I said that love is suffering and that we are always called to forgive. Perhaps you disagree with me on this assertion that their are times were forgiveness is not warranted? Or that actions and words are not enough to show love?

Most of the statements made here do lack charity. They show great charity to the OP but lack that to her husband. We are all sinners, the only perfect spouses were Joseph and Mary and their is no sin that excusable. With that knowledge let us let go of our selfish hurt and embrace joyful suffering.

Perhaps you and I can agree on that?
 
We are required to forgive, but we are not required to stay in harm’s way. There is a difference. It is quite possible for the OP to protect herself by separating from her husband, and at the same time work very hard to heal and forgive.
 
Urf had some questions about my devastation over my husband’s two betrayals after his affair had ended when he again tried to see this woman, and later, to give money for her daughter’s care.

I never suspected my husband was trying to visit this woman for the purposes of continuing the affair - the pain and betrayal for me comes from him planning and sharing his itinerary with me before he ever left this country - on our wedding anniversary, no less - which he had already altered to deceive me. I spoke with him every day for two weeks, praying for him at the specific times I knew he was flying or driving to other cities, asking how he was doing, as his job requires him to often work around the clock, voicing concern over the areas he was traveling to, which are very often lacking decent health care, worrying who was driving him, as he always requires a driver in that country, etc. In short, I was being reassured every step of the way in detail about his accommodations, travel and work - and ALL of it was a lie.

Even when he arrived home, telling me he was in Turkey only, when his passport clearly stated he had been to Russia, he at first lied and said it was a mistake on the passport, that he had never been there. I am upset that my husband LIES so much and so easily to me; I was not assuming any continuation of his affair.

And yes, he could have done all he wanted through a letter to her - he acknowledged that to me the first time he lied to me about this, and said he regretted not handling it that way. I would have wholeheartedly supported him in that effort, I would have been proud of him and I would now be able to trust him.

All your prayers must have worked!! I got an excellent report from all my doctors yesterday!! Go back in 3 months and then if all is still well, “graduate” to every 6 months. Thank you all so much!!
 
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