I don't even know what I want anymore

[Mark86]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I think the think that has most recently brought me to discouragement is applying for a mission that I felt so much like Gods was calling me to and then not being accepted in. I know that those things happen but it made me question everything I have ever though God was calling me to. I guess I don’t even know how to listen to God correctly anymore.

I definitely suggest you look into the life of St. Therese de Lisieux… who persevered in applying and reapplying and begging and pleading to join a convent from a young age, and who even sought the agency of the pope, who also didn’t pull any strings in her favor. She remarked once that she felt as though God had broken her “like a child breaks one of his toys” (paraphrased). Her perseverance paid off though, and she entered the convent, and then died in her early 20s. After her death, she became one of the most celebrated Saints in Church history, and was made a Doctor of the Church for her writings and letters. One wonders if she would’ve been so fruitful in life if God hadn’t tested her love for Him as much as it was tested.