I struggle from a similar but different problem.
I pray a lot, (perhaps extreme to many) and have done so consistently since September, 6 months. I have been devoted to serving God with my whole heart and soul to the best of my ability for almost 6 years with only short interludes of non-caring. I know the Bible fairly well and spent a lot of time in the past in a Bible study. I read spiritual reading as recommended, even some of the most obscure readings that come highly advised by the saints. I participate in almost Daily Mass and many of the Sacraments (now - this may change with changing career situations).
I sacrificed everything that I know that God wanted me to sacrifice for the sake of Christianity.
I deeply suspect that Christ is working through me. I have had supernatural experiences, a mystic experience, and also possibly a miracle. When I advise others on growing in the faith and solving spiritual problems, my advice generally seems to prove accurate.
I am committed to God intellectually and am mostly convinced not only that Roman Catholicism is true (about 100% belief there) but that my ability to discern what in Roman Catholicism is of required belief, recommended belief, and of man - doubtful belief - is sure enough to lead me to salvation and allow me to correctly lead others.
But I don’t feel it. I feel as if as a Catholic, I am under the laws of God, like I am under the laws of the United States of America, whether I like it or not. I strive and do activities to love God and my neighbor because of the first two commandments, not due to a genuine and overflowing desire on my part. Yet, if those two commandments were changed, I suspect that I would change as well.
St. Padre Pio said, *“I will stand at the gates of Heaven and will not enter until all my spiritual children are with me.” * I suspect that I could do this - but only if I knew that it would be something that Christ, Mary, or Joseph would want me to say or do, not as a result of genuinely caring for those spiritual children enough to want to forsake Heaven for their sakes without the prior instruction of God or even slightest suspicion that God might want me to do it.
Am I just ungrateful? How do I grow in gratitude? I am not very grateful for the gifts that I have been given in life. I am grateful that I have them as I might be more unhappy without them but value them somewhat little without conscious thought and without intellectual analysis that I might be more unhappy without them. I have read suggestions that one should keep a gratitude journal, but I think that I would want to write in it - “I am grateful for my commitment to God so that I can one day receive a reward in Heaven.”
In the Lourdes apparition, Mary said, “I cannot promise to give you happiness in this life; only in the next” I am not unhappy; I think that I simply have peace of mind and in life, but I suppose that this is the most that one ought to expect from commitment of religion.
Is this even wrong? The first commandment is: love God. The second is: love neighbors as yourself. Abraham was called to sacrifice Issac to God, in my non humble opinion - God wanted to test him to see if he really loved God 100% with his heart, soul, strength, and mind or if he loved Issac more than he loved God and so give him merit for his willingness and ability to sacrifice Issac.
Maybe one might not be able to expect to
feel close to God. For all one knows, one might live a lifelong existence as Job through no great fault of one’s own. So a sort of peaceful resignation in life is the most that one ought to hope for.
I wonder though - if expecting nothing means that one gradually becomes more grateful for the good that one does see in life so in a few years I may progress in gratitude if I keep up my prayer life and commitment to following the will of God when I know it.
Thank you for your kindness in reading this post and shedding light on any questions that I may ask.
