I could have written what you wrote, and I’m also only several years older than you. I know how hard it is to have a mother who is like that, someone who is mother genetically only and not fulfilling the other responsibilities of motherhood. A mother is supposed to be kind and gentle, nurturing, loving, encouraging. I never had any of that, and I think it still affects me to this day.
I did take great solace in the Faith, however, including going to Mass, prayer, etc. And I will say that I developed a deep love for the Blessed Virgin Mary who is very truly your mother and mine. In fact, Good Friday is coming right up. It was at the foot of the Holy Cross where His Mother stood and in her extreme anguish gave birth to us spiritually as her children. For Christ Himself said, hanging in His final agony for love of us, “Woman, behold your son!” and “Behold your Mother!”. It might take a long time but we all have it in us to long for and need a mother, and she will very truly be a mother for you like she has for me. She was my first experience with true maternity, and I confide in her like I would my biological mother if she was as she should have been, and love her dearly.
But that might be a hard thing right now. I have to think that God put this trial in my life so that I could thereby be sanctified by it, that it is a cross. And that is likely why He allowed this to happen to you. I used to be resentful in a sense that Christ Himself had a mother who loved Him, so why couldn’t I? That was really foolish because I soon really, with my heart, realized that He gave her to be mine.
Let us run to Mary, and, as her little children, cast ourselves into her arms with a perfect confidence.
–Saint Francis de Sales
“For God, having given her power over his only-begotten and natural Son, also gave her power over his adopted children - not only in what concerns their body - which would be of little account - but also in what concerns their soul.”
–Saint Louis Marie de Montfort
Just as there is not one among all the Blessed who loves God as Mary does, so there is no one, after God, who loves us as much as this most loving Mother does. Furthermore, if we heaped together all the love that mothers have for their children, all the love of husbands and wives, all the love of all the angels and Saints for their clients, it could never equal Mary’s love for even a single soul.”
–Saint Alphonsus Liguori, The Glories of Mary
Aside from that, I would recommend that you spend as much time as you can away from her (within reason, and don’t make her mad) and maybe try to find other mother-figures in your life. Maybe the mothers of friends, or family members of yours like grandparents or aunts, or female teachers, etc. Just make sure they are good people you can trust. Also do what you can to ensure your independence at 18. This is really important. Even if you have to move out into a dorm or something, it may be better for you than to be around toxicity, especially when you are in intensive studies. I know this by experience, alas, and I didn’t move out because I couldn’t!
Feel free to PM me anytime if you’d like to talk or vent. :hug1:
