I don't kinow where to start

[misspriss]

Hello,

I am in RCIA and joining the church this Easter. I was raised Protestant, and was in the church my whole upbringing, but drifted away at the end of high school. I married a wonderful man whom I love more than anything. He supportive and wonderful. When we met and married, we were both “non-practicing baptists” as we put it. We were both raised Baptist, but neither of us were in church or had a desire to go back. I have since been drawn to the Catholic church and I can’t be happier. It is the answer to every issue I had with my previous church.

Anyway, I want to talk to my husband about my faith. We are talking about having children. I want to know how he feels. I want to talk to him about how happy I am and how happy I am with my faith. I want to talk to him about NFP and sex ( :blush:I can’t just jump in with that one!!) But I don’t know where to start. When I talk to him about church, or God, or what he believes, he gets defensive and angry. He says he believes in God, and the Bible, just not with “Organized Religion”. He has had terrible experiences with every church that he has gone to, whether it was someone stealing or cheating or otherwise scamming the people who attended, or just generally hypocritical people there.

I don’t know where to start with him, and I have since realized that our backgrounds, as alike as we thought they were at the time, were not at all alike. I was a well versed Protestant, I went to church every time the doors were open, plus some. I went to Sunday school, church, choir, handbells, evening church, Wednesday night dinner, Wednesday night church, AWANA (I did all the 10 major books), Bible Study Fellowship (all 7 program years), day camps, overnight camps, and I was homeschooled and a lot of my books were Protestant approved books. So you could say I knew the Bible in and out, and had read it many times. I had since taken for granted that he said he was Baptist, so I thought he at least knew some of what I know, but now I have no idea.

Really, I just need to know where I should start. I am praying about it, but I thought someone here might be able to give me some advice. Maybe since he has said he believes the Bible we can start there, and just start reading it together? I don’t know. He has come to Mass with me once, for midnight Mass on Christmas. He said “it sucked”. I was brokenhearted. I mean yeah, it was crowded, we had to sit in folding chairs actually behind the Alter, in front of the whole church. We didn’t have room to kneel. We didn’t get the mass response cards that were on the pews, so he had no idea what was going on. I admit, it was my fault for asking him to go and then showing up late and all. But he didn’t tell me how much he didn’t like it until a week or to ago. He said he would go to Easter Vigil with me though, because it is important to me.

I know this is kind of rambling but I just asked him about what he believed in the car today and he got very angry with me. I was smiling and speaking in a pleasant voice, so I know I wasn’t being argumentative or anything, I don’t know why he got so upset, but I just don’t know. Anyway, I am clueless as to where to start, I love the book Rome Sweet Home, but I don’t think it would mean the same thing to him as it did to me, since he isn’t a strong Protestant.

Any help?

PS. Prayers would be great

 

[stephe1987]

People against “organized religion” don’t seem to realize that not every Church or group of people is the same. Just because you had bad experiences in the past doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give chances in the future. (This sort of thinking leads to all sorts of problems: racism, not liking people of different social classes, etc.) Stealing and cheating and scamming are unacceptable, no question about that. But hypocritical is not a good label. For example, a person who has lied in the past can be against lying, but that doesn’t make him or her a hypocrite. A smoker could be very much against young people picking up that habit. Humans can learn from their mistakes. People in Church want to grow spiritually, and of course everyone falls into sin, some more often than others. But you need to kindly point things out to people if they aren’t aware of what they are doing.

NFP is a very difficult and often misunderstood topic. Maybe you can go the “natural” route and tell him you don’t want to take hormones in your body. Or share the fun little fact that the birth control pill was labeled a “group one” carcinogen by the World Health Organization in 2005. God gave us intelligence, we know how our bodies work, and don’t need chemicals/hormones to make them “work” right. But learning self-control is difficult for many people, especially those who have been sexually active from an early age, had many partners, and/or are used to getting what they want, when they want it. It’s not going to be easy.

Church can be boring, especially if you don’t understand what’s going on. That’s why RCIA is such a good program for newcomers. People can learn to appreciate the Mass.

I would start with what you agree on, and go from there. SLOWLY build up on his faith, but he seems very “anti-religion” right now, so you need to be careful. Maybe you can also, when he’s ready to learn, share about the Catholics’ charitable work so he gets a positive view of the Church (as opposed to the negative views on the secular news, which only seems to talk about the Church in reference to the priest scandals, or giving hate speech against the Church for not supporting same-sex unions). The Catholic Church is the world’s biggest charitable organization, so there is plenty to talk about.

And of course I will pray for you.

 

[SteveGC]

Often the hostility comes because Christianity, regardless of its forms, takes most people out of their comfort zone, even for the “just Jesus, me and the Book” people. Of course, if they think you’re leading them into a discussion about “organized religion”, this can greatly exaggerate their hostility.

You might reflect with him on the fact that Jesus, in the Bible, reveals a great affection and submission to organized religion, as He was a devout Jew who followed that quite organized religion most of His life on this earth.

You might reflect with him on how “religion” is a word which essentially means “relationship”. A relationship with God. And I don’t know, but I would likely prefer an organized relationship with Him, over an unorganized one. Organized in the sense that it has coherence, structure and definitive objective meaning and teaching. That’s the Church.

You might reflect with him that the pillar and bulwark of the truth is not the Bible, nor even Jesus Himself alone…but rather, the Church. 1 Tim 3:15

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Please understand, that you are changing the terms of your marriage now. Your husband is going to feel betrayed, be angry and frustrated, and there is no real remedy for it. I am not saying you should not convert, just that your expectations cannot be very high for him to understand this change. If he is hostile towards organized religion, he’s going to be hostile toward the Church. Perhaps more so, because of all the negative press that the Catholic Church receives vs. other churches.

So he’s coming for your reception into the Church? That is good!

I would counsel you not to push him for conversion in any way. Don’t spout Church teaching to him. Reading the Bible would be great, if he will do that. It is a start. I know that you will be wanting so desperately to share your joy with him, and you probably won’t be able to. Turn to friends for this support, and try not to feel too hurt about it. Maybe you will be a factor in his conversion, but maybe not. Regardless, you have to keep going and display the Fruit of the Spirit in your own life.

:grouphug:

Welcome Home!!!

 

[misspriss]

People against “organized religion” don’t seem to realize that not every Church or group of people is the same. Just because you had bad experiences in the past doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give chances in the future. (This sort of thinking leads to all sorts of problems: racism, not liking people of different social classes, etc.) Stealing and cheating and scamming are unacceptable, no question about that. But hypocritical is not a good label. For example, a person who has lied in the past can be against lying, but that doesn’t make him or her a hypocrite. A smoker could be very much against young people picking up that habit. Humans can learn from their mistakes. People in Church want to grow spiritually, and of course everyone falls into sin, some more often than others. But you need to kindly point things out to people if they aren’t aware of what they are doing.

NFP is a very difficult and often misunderstood topic. Maybe you can go the “natural” route and tell him you don’t want to take hormones in your body. Or share the fun little fact that the birth control pill was labeled a “group one” carcinogen by the World Health Organization in 2005. God gave us intelligence, we know how our bodies work, and don’t need chemicals/hormones to make them “work” right. But learning self-control is difficult for many people, especially those who have been sexually active from an early age, had many partners, and/or are used to getting what they want, when they want it. It’s not going to be easy.

Church can be boring, especially if you don’t understand what’s going on. That’s why RCIA is such a good program for newcomers. People can learn to appreciate the Mass.

I would start with what you agree on, and go from there. SLOWLY build up on his faith, but he seems very “anti-religion” right now, so you need to be careful. Maybe you can also, when he’s ready to learn, share about the Catholics’ charitable work so he gets a positive view of the Church (as opposed to the negative views on the secular news, which only seems to talk about the Church in reference to the priest scandals, or giving hate speech against the Church for not supporting same-sex unions). The Catholic Church is the world’s biggest charitable organization, so there is plenty to talk about.

And of course I will pray for you.

Thanks! Well, we already talked about NFP several times before, we don’t use any hormonal birth control or anything, he just uses withdrawl. I have talked to him about how I wish he wouldn’t do it, but he is worried about finances and having children. I’m afraid if I bring the church’s position on birth control up to him, he will feel like the church is trying to take over in the bedroom? I don’t know, I just wouldn’t think it would be a good idea to start there. Especially since I just lost my job and his concern is finances.

Often the hostility comes because Christianity, regardless of its forms, takes most people out of their comfort zone, even for the “just Jesus, me and the Book” people. Of course, if they think you’re leading them into a discussion about “organized religion”, this can greatly exaggerate their hostility.

You might reflect with him on the fact that Jesus, in the Bible, reveals a great affection and submission to organized religion, as He was a devout Jew who followed that quite organized religion most of His life on this earth.

You might reflect with him on how “religion” is a word which essentially means “relationship”. A relationship with God. And I don’t know, but I would likely prefer an organized relationship with Him, over an unorganized one. Organized in the sense that it has coherence, structure and definitive objective meaning and teaching. That’s the Church.

You might reflect with him that the pillar and bulwark of the truth is not the Bible, nor even Jesus Himself alone…but rather, the Church. 1 Tim 3:15

Thank you!

Please understand, that you are changing the terms of your marriage now. Your husband is going to feel betrayed, be angry and frustrated, and there is no real remedy for it. I am not saying you should not convert, just that your expectations cannot be very high for him to understand this change. If he is hostile towards organized religion, he’s going to be hostile toward the Church. Perhaps more so, because of all the negative press that the Catholic Church receives vs. other churches.

So he’s coming for your reception into the Church? That is good!

I would counsel you not to push him for conversion in any way. Don’t spout Church teaching to him. Reading the Bible would be great, if he will do that. It is a start. I know that you will be wanting so desperately to share your joy with him, and you probably won’t be able to. Turn to friends for this support, and try not to feel too hurt about it. Maybe you will be a factor in his conversion, but maybe not. Regardless, you have to keep going and display the Fruit of the Spirit in your own life.

:grouphug:

Welcome Home!!!

I am so glad he is coming, and thank you!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks! Well, we already talked about NFP several times before, we don’t use any hormonal birth control or anything, he just uses withdrawl. I have talked to him about how I wish he wouldn’t do it, but he is worried about finances and having children. I’m afraid if I bring the church’s position on birth control up to him, he will feel like the church is trying to take over in the bedroom? I don’t know, I just wouldn’t think it would be a good idea to start there. Especially since I just lost my job and his concern is finances.

Thank you!

I am so glad he is coming, and thank you!!

It is a very long ceremony, have you told him that? At our parish, it goes on for like 5 or 6 hours. He needs to know that ahead of time, and be told he can take breaks if that’s possible. I’d ask your RCIA teachers to tell you when it would be possible for a non-Catholic to get up, walk around, get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, etc.

 

[Bklynguy]

Anyway, I want to talk to my husband about my faith. We He says he believes in God, and the Bible, just not with “Organized Religion”.:

Sigh. I don’t know how many times I have heard this one. And everytime I have heard it, it inevitably comes from someone who wants to “have their cake and eat it too.” In other words, they want to have the peace they have from believing, but don’t want to be held accountable for their actions.

He has come to Mass with me once, for midnight Mass on Christmas. He said “it sucked”. :

Nice. The purpose of Mass is Jesus on the altar, not to be entertained, not to get a nice seat and “take in the scenery.” Again, protestant distractions. They do a good job of criticizing Catholics for being materialistic, but they should look in the mirror. And I realize this sounds harsh–many, many Catholics think this way too. However, it sounds as though he didn’t even give it a fair shot.

The good thing, though, was that he at least came. And he will be at the Easter Vigil Mass for you. You can’t expect him to just all of a sudden accept Catholicism or convert. However, you can expect that he should support and understand what you are doing–which actually sounds like he is, for the most part.

I’ll pray for you and your family. And welcome home!!!

 

[dengser]

However, you can expect that he should support and understand what you are doing–which actually sounds like he is, for the most pahttp://www.filii.info/g.gifrt.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Welcome home!!!

I would also advise you to take it slowly, never push him. Talk about your faith but talk about other things too, so he doesn’t feel suffocated. He will ask you questions, so learn about the faith and be prepared to answer them.

As for NFP, I would stress the health side of it, and maybe discuss the theology behind it a bit later on, when he gets used to you being Catholic.

Because this is a big change, your conversion. He is probably intimidated by what is happening and doesn’t understand why. It takes time.

Keep praying, live your faith and leave your husband in God’s hands.

 

[TBenedicta]

I agree with other posters that you should refrain from any behavior that could be construed as conversion attempts. There are other, subtler ways to draw him towards you, towards God, and ultimately (hopefully) the Church: be the best wife you can be, practice self-giving love, live out your faith (by which I mean: represent it well! He’s going to look at YOU as an example of what it means to be Catholic), be patient with his apathy and/or lack of knowledge, try to find common spiritual grounds (start with something you can both agree on and run with it: read the Bible, pray together, journal together, whatever floats your boat)- and remember that you could be a powerful instrument in his faith life. Ultimately, he could look at you and say “Christ has done wonderful things with my wife’s heart through the Church… I’ve got to look into it!”

I don’t envy your position. It will be rough. You will have to act as spiritual head for the time being. You will have to pray diligently about it. But consider it your cross. God has plans for you and your family.

Oh! As for NFP, I also agree that it might be best to start with a non-theological approach. There are many benefits to NFP. Among them, the fact that it’s (1) free (2) discreet (3) “portable” and (4) eco-friendly. As a woman, I personally really appreciate that I’m not pumping myself full of artificial hormones or suppressing a natural part of myself: fertility.

 

[misspriss]

Thanks everyone!

I am so glad he is so supportive, he is really awesome. I love him so much.

Anyway, I appreciate all of the advice here. I know the best thing for me to do is to show him with my life, be the best wife I can be, and the best Catholic I can be, if that makes sense. I appreciate all of your prayers too!

Part of it, I lost my job a week and a half ago. I’ve gone stir crazy. It was probably the best for me though, the job was stressful and it put a lot of strain on my relationship with DH and made me tired and took time away from RCIA and church. I am so much happier without that job, it was kind of toxic to me. But since I have spent each and every day at home, at church, or grocery shopping, I have had a ton of time with just me and my thoughts. It has been great for me. I’ve just been bubbling over with joy, the amount of time I have been able to just think about Christ and Easter, and even to examine myself for sin, it just brings me joy to be able to spend time doing that. But I don’t have many people to talk to, so I want to talk about it with DH, but he doesn’t want to. I guess that is why I came and posted this thread, because I was just bubbling over and he didn’t want to talk to me.

Oh yes and the week I lost my job, my Sponsor got really sick. I haven’t seen her in a while because she had surgery and then she got sick. Perhaps another reason I am bubbling over and feel the need to spill?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I know it is not a substitute for sharing your faith with your husband, but come and talk to us here any time you feel the need.

I’m in your shoes, my husband is not Catholic. He is very supportive and even comes to Mass with me and the kids. I asked him to do that in order to a) help me with the kids and more importantly b) to be a good example to them in this area of life. He is a great guy and I appreciate what he does. But that did not happen over night, it took him a while to get used to the Catholic me. (When we started dating I was seriously lapsed and in a spiritual crisis). I don’t nag or preach, I talk about my faith and do my Catholic stuff. And I pray that God’s will be done in my husband’s life.

 

[Chochy]

Dear One,

Thank you for sharing your joy and your concerns with us. I agree with the other poster. Come to us for conversation and fellowship. Also remember that you have changed your position since your marriage.

Many of us have been and are still in your shoes. It can be very frustrating and lonely at times, especially if you attend mass by yourself as a married woman. I have done it for many, many years and I don’t envy you, but you are not alone. Seek out other woman like yourself. I’m sure there are a few. Sit with one another and bond to each other based on your situation. Don’t be afraid to let others know your dilemma. They will understand, just as many of us in this forum understand. Never stop praying for your husband’s interest and attitude to change. God can anything afterall. Lead by example.

I remember sitting in a small group of people, many years ago. It was just one of many times when the “where is your husband” question came up. I replied like I always do, “He doesn’t understand the importance of attending mass.” I was feeling terrible and I’ll never forget the words of a very kind gentleman who said, “But he benefits because you attend.” I have offered those words to many, many people (mostly woman) and now I offer them up to you.

Blessings - Chochy

 

[Musician]

It was quite a journey for my husband…I had to wait for years and years for him to convert, but he finally did and now is very zealous!
I would just make sure that my husband has a comfortable time at every Mass he attends (i.e., get there early, make sure he knows how to follow the Missal, etc.). It is to be cherished that he attends at all.
Try not to discuss religion with him at this point; just pray, pray, pray. And be the best wife you can be!