I don't know how to hold my boyfriend accountable

[DReed1175]

My boyfriend and I have been together about six months, and a couple of months ago he got sent out to sea (he’s in the military). A month ago he told me he has had a struggle with pornography. This caught me totally and completely off guard. He said that he hasn’t watched it since we started dating, and that this is the longest he’s gone without it since middle school, but it’s still such a huge temptation for him and he’s worried that he could fall into it at any time. I told him I was disappointed that it was something that he had gotten into, but I was proud of him for being strong enough to resist the temptation for so long. I tried to encourage him the best I could and I told him I was praying for him.
Here it is a month later and I’m wondering if I should continue to ask him how he’s doing with it? I don’t want to bring it up if that’s not the right thing to do, but I don’t really know how to deal with this issue, because I know the temptation is still there. Lately the other guys have been giving him a hard time for not watching porn or going to strip clubs like the rest of them. I trust him but I want to make sure he knows that I will hold him accountable, too. How can I do this? How do I approach this issue, if at all? Thank you for your time!

 

[1ke]

That is not an appropriate role for you to assume. You approaching the issues will not be viewed as accountability. It will be viewed as nagging, actually more than viewed as nagging, I would say it is nagging.

If he wants an accountability partner, he will ask for one. He can find another man with whom he shares a rapport to fill this role. Someone in the military or someone from his parish.

If pornography use is a deal breaker for you (which it certainly should be), then you need to think not about how you can chase this for the rest of your life, but how you can build trust and how dedicated your boyfriend is to virtue, purity, and chastity.

We all make mistakes. If it is in his past, then you will have to trust and believe him. It may be that your continued sticking point on this issue, real or imaginary, will be something you cannot overcome. If you cannot trust him, you should not pursue a continued relationship with him. That isn’t fair to him. That may be painful, but it is the purpose of dating-- determining suitability for marriage.

 

[DReed1175]

That is not an appropriate role for you to assume. You approaching the issues will not be viewed as accountability. It will be viewed as nagging, actually more than viewed as nagging, I would say it is nagging.

If he wants an accountability partner, he will ask for one. He can find another man with whom he shares a rapport to fill this role. Someone in the military or someone from his parish.

If pornography use is a deal breaker for you (which it certainly should be), then you need to think not about how you can chase this for the rest of your life, but how you can build trust and how dedicated your boyfriend is to virtue, purity, and chastity.

We all make mistakes. If it is in his past, then you will have to trust and believe him. It may be that your continued sticking point on this issue, real or imaginary, will be something you cannot overcome. If you cannot trust him, you should not pursue a continued relationship with him. That isn’t fair to him. That may be painful, but it is the purpose of dating-- determining suitability for marriage.

Pornography is a deal breaker for our relationship, I told him this when he told me about it. Building trust is certainly important in any relationship, especially so when in a long distance relationship like we are at the moment. We’re both fairly young and I’ve never been in a long distance relationship before, so it’s a learning experience!

I suppose my stumbling point was when he said he still was struggling with avoiding it, I wasn’t sure if he was asking for me to hold him accountable or not. Without me asking, he’s mentioned a couple of times since then that it’s still a struggle, most recently was just a couple of days ago. I should have clarified that in my original post. However, you are right, if he wanted me to hold him accountable he would specifically ask. Maybe he just wants to talk about it because there’s no one else there that he can really do that with. Thank you for your reply!

 

[pensmama87]

You could always ask him why he is telling you.

Personally, although I am married so that affects my viewpoint, I would rather not know about every slip-up. Because pornography so particularly affects the intimate relationship between spouses, it would feel like being told, “Oh yeah, I cheated again, thought you’d want to know.” It’d rip my guts out. But if he was making a sincere effort in our marriage, had told me once that he was really having a hard time but that he was making an effort to fix it and I knew he had an accountability partner or other things in place, that would be enough for me.

I don’t know if it’s that he feels the need to be honest with you because you might be discerning marriage, or what. But if he has the idea that he needs to “report” I don’t think that’s very healthy, and if he’s frequently slipping to me that means he’s not ready for marriage yet, either.

 

[smead2942]

Pornography is a deal breaker for our relationship, I told him this when he told me about it. Building trust is certainly important in any relationship, especially so when in a long distance relationship like we are at the moment. We’re both fairly young and I’ve never been in a long distance relationship before, so it’s a learning experience!

I suppose my stumbling point was when he said he still was struggling with avoiding it, I wasn’t sure if he was asking for me to hold him accountable or not. Without me asking, he’s mentioned a couple of times since then that it’s still a struggle, most recently was just a couple of days ago. I should have clarified that in my original post. However, you are right, if he wanted me to hold him accountable he would specifically ask. Maybe he just wants to talk about it because there’s no one else there that he can really do that with. Thank you for your reply!

I admire your determination to hold fast to Catholic morality. I’m in a dilemma myself… I kissed an older girl after work a few days ago. She said she broke up with her boyfriend, but I just found out she had sex with him last night. I can’t support her cheating with a good conscience.

I suggest you be slightly less uncompromising. Saying “if you watch porn, it’s over” is a bit harsh. I believe ALL guys struggle with that. It’s addicting, not something you can stop with the press of a button. Habitual sin.

Pax!

 

[JamalChristophr]

One of the worst things about it is that other guys are likely trying to shove it in his face. I’ve seen this even at places of work. So then there is the temptation and the fear of human respect at the same time.

Pray hard for your friend, and God will give him grace through your prayers.

“Nearly two-thirds (64%) of American men look at pornography at least monthly. The rate for Christian men looking at porn is nearly identical. An estimated 21 million men either think they are addicted to porn or are unsure if they are addicted”

news.yahoo.com/2014-survey-many-christians-think-watch-porn-140700286.html

 

[pensmama87]

One of the worst things about it is that other guys are likely trying to shove it in his face. I’ve seen this even at places of work. So then there is the temptation and the fear of human respect at the same time.

Pray hard for your friend, and God will give him grace through your prayers.

That’s true too. My husband had to deal with that a lot in college - roommates with filthy posters, dirty movies playing in common areas of houses, etc. If you say something they make fun of you for not being a “real man” (or they call you “whipped” if they know your girlfriend objects). It’s very hard to stand up to that kind of environment, especially if you feel like you’re the only one. :sad_yes: I could see a deployment situation being like that.

 

[Brendan_64]

Maybe he just wants to talk about it because there’s no one else there that he can really do that with.

That is probably the case.

For a man there is almost nobody that he can talk to about this, He can’t talk to his mates about this as male bravado and the male psyche does not permit this. So if he wants to talk to someone about this, ask yourself, who can he talk to? For many things women have their friends to talk to, men on the other hand can be completely isolated and alone.

And, as it has been said before, many (if not most) men struggle with this. these days. In the past to view pornography a man had to make the effort and endure the embarrassment of going to a ‘dirty book shop’, scuttle in and scuttle out, carry a book under his coat and hope not to be recognised. So if a man wanted to keep away from porn, it was relatively easy. Now all that a man needs to do is to click a mouse in the privacy of his room and nobody will ever see. It is more difficult for a man struggling with porn to avoid it these days.

The fact that he’s told you that he struggles with this speaks admirably of his character and his trust in you. Most men would probably not do that.

He sounds like a very decent man, struggling with the things that many (if not most) men do. But the difference with him is that he’s shown the bravery to tell you that he is struggling and admit his vulnerability, and by doing this he has shown how much he trusts you.

Is this a man who you should reject and turn your back on?

 

[DReed1175]

You could always ask him why he is telling you.

Personally, although I am married so that affects my viewpoint, I would rather not know about every slip-up. Because pornography so particularly affects the intimate relationship between spouses, it would feel like being told, “Oh yeah, I cheated again, thought you’d want to know.” It’d rip my guts out. But if he was making a sincere effort in our marriage, had told me once that he was really having a hard time but that he was making an effort to fix it and I knew he had an accountability partner or other things in place, that would be enough for me.

I don’t know if it’s that he feels the need to be honest with you because you might be discerning marriage, or what. But if he has the idea that he needs to “report” I don’t think that’s very healthy, and if he’s frequently slipping to me that means he’s not ready for marriage yet, either.

We have always been very open in our relationship, as we are discerning marriage and it’s something that we started talking about even several months ago. He is not watching porn, it is just a big temptation that he is having trouble with, enough that it does come up. Next time he brings it up I will ask if he just wants to talk about it or if he is asking for help.

One of the worst things about it is that other guys are likely trying to shove it in his face. I’ve seen this even at places of work. So then there is the temptation and the fear of human respect at the same time.

Pray hard for your friend, and God will give him grace through your prayers.

If you say something they make fun of you for not being a “real man” (or they call you “whipped” if they know your girlfriend objects). It’s very hard to stand up to that kind of environment, especially if you feel like you’re the only one.

This sounds exactly like his struggle with the other guys. I know it’s very hard and I will continue to pray for him in that area specifically. He’s just at the beginning of his career and he has a long time to go in this same environment, but I’m praying it will just make him stronger!

For a man there is almost nobody that he can talk to about this, He can’t talk to his mates about this as male bravado and the male psyche does not permit this. So if he wants to talk to someone about this, ask yourself, who can he talk to? For many things women have their friends to talk to, men on the other hand can be completely isolated and alone.

And, as it has been said before, many (if not most) men struggle with this. these days. In the past to view pornography a man had to make the effort and endure the embarrassment of going to a ‘dirty book shop’, scuttle in and scuttle out, carry a book under his coat and hope not to be recognised. So if a man wanted to keep away from porn, it was relatively easy. Now all that a man needs to do is to click a mouse in the privacy of his room and nobody will ever see. It is more difficult for a man struggling with porn to avoid it these days.

The fact that he’s told you that he struggles with this speaks admirably of his character and his trust in you. Most men would probably not do that.

He sounds like a very decent man, struggling with the things that many (if not most) men do. But the difference with him is that he’s shown the bravery to tell you that he is struggling and admit his vulnerability, and by doing this he has shown how much he trusts you.

Is this a man who you should reject and turn your back on?

Thank you for your reply! I know that there is a huge pressure to meet up to what some of the guys consider being “manly” (watching porn, going to strip clubs, etc. etc.), and being in that environment, there really is no one else to go to.

You are very right, it was a brave thing to tell me about it and I’m very happy that he did. We’ll continue to work through it and hopefully the temptation will be put behind him.

 

[Irishmom2]

I agree with 1ke, it is not your place to be his accountability partner. You should not have to be the one keeping him in line. He needs a counselor, a friend, a brother, or a priest to do this for him. It is not a struggle that you should be a part of. You do not want to turn into his “mom” and have him resent you when he fails.

He needs to get this under control without you.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I think it’s a bit of “both/and” if you catch my drift. The OP also said they are both pretty young, so I think the young man deserves a little mercy in how one judges his behavior. It is a step in the right direction for him.

But yes, accountability needs to come from someone else. It would be good, I think, if the OP even directly told him that, it seems to me.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

If you’re trying to build trust, then it makes very little sense to tell him that porn is a deal-breaker. That will just give him a reason to hide his porn use, if he falls back into it – indeed, it will make porn all the more forbidden and attractive.

If porn really is a deal-breaker, maybe you ought to find another guy – because “I’m still struggling with this” is usually code for, “I’m still falling into sexual sin, though perhaps in smaller ways.”

If you want to build trust with HIM, it’s not a good idea to poison the well by setting up an ultimatum.

 

[DReed1175]

If you’re trying to build trust, then it makes very little sense to tell him that porn is a deal-breaker. That will just give him a reason to hide his porn use, if he falls back into it – indeed, it will make porn all the more forbidden and attractive.

If porn really is a deal-breaker, maybe you ought to find another guy – because “I’m still struggling with this” is usually code for, “I’m still falling into sexual sin, though perhaps in smaller ways.”

If you want to build trust with HIM, it’s not a good idea to poison the well by setting up an ultimatum.

Specifically, to go into what I said about porn being a deal breaker, was when I asked him what he thinks will happen if he falls back into it again (right after he told me about it). He said something along the lines of: “We will get up and move forward together, and that it will certainly be a big deal to our relationship but we will move through it in the road towards putting this behind me.” I replied that I really didn’t know if that would be the best idea. I thought by saying this that it would show him how big of a deal it actually is. Although trust is something we’re still growing in, I trust him enough that he will tell me if he falls back into it. But you’re right, that probably didn’t make it any easier on him and a different answer would’ve been better in those circumstances.

When he first told me about the porn problem and how he is still struggling with the temptation, I thought that it was somehow my fault, or else even the temptation would be long behind him. Since then I’ve realized that is very wrong, but I’m still confused as to how our relationship would grow if he did fall back into pornography, which is why I think it would be a deal breaker. Would the shock of a breakup be enough to startle him down the right path for good? I really don’t know, it’s a tricky situation and it’s hard to tell what would bring both of us closer to God. Being under the impression that ending our relationship would be the best thing I could do for him is why it could be a deal breaker, not because I wouldn’t love him anymore or because I would be so hurt that I could never trust him again. Like I mentioned, we’re young, college-aged, and I don’t think it’s something either of us know how to handle in completely the right way. So I definitely appreciate the guidance.

@JamalChristophr, I will ask next time this comes up if he can have someone else to hold him accountable.

 

[Brendan_64]

I will ask next time this comes up if he can have someone else to hold him accountable.

Would it not be best if he held himself to account? Why should he need someone else to do this?

Relationships are never perfect, there are no ‘fairy-tale’ relationships out there. Relationships are messy and we need to accept that our partners will not necessarily live up to our expectations. Relationships should not be about one partner setting a standard which the other partner is expected to live up to. If you love someone you will work through things, regardless of how messy they are.

Setting ‘deal-breakers’ is not a good idea, and will only lead to broken relationships, not because people don’t love each other, but because a partner has failed to meet a ‘standard’ set by the other. Relationships should not be about meeting certain standards, relationships should be about love.

 

[pensmama87]

I do think it’s significant, too, that he’s struggling with the temptation, but (provided he is being honest) he has not succumbed to the temptation. That’s great! We are all tempted to all sorts of things all of the time, but the sin is when we succumb to the temptation.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Would it not be best if he held himself to account? Why should he need someone else to do this?

Because he’s human?

No man fights this battle alone, successfully. Lust and pride are social evils, with social remedies.

 

[OraLabora]

Would it not be best if he held himself to account? Why should he need someone else to do this?

Relationships are never perfect, there are no ‘fairy-tale’ relationships out there. Relationships are messy and we need to accept that our partners will not necessarily live up to our expectations. Relationships should not be about one partner setting a standard which the other partner is expected to live up to. If you love someone you will work through things, regardless of how messy they are.

Setting ‘deal-breakers’ is not a good idea, and will only lead to broken relationships, not because people don’t love each other, but because a partner has failed to meet a ‘standard’ set by the other. Relationships should not be about meeting certain standards, relationships should be about love.

Excellent advice. We are all “broken” since the Fall, and all have our temptations and struggles to deal with. A big part of marriage is acceptance of who we married, “for better or for worse”, and with that comes the need for forgiveness.

The OP doesn’t say if her boyfriend is Catholic, but assuming he is, IMHO the best place to deal with this sort of thing is in the confessional. I can’t state enough how healing the confessional is. A regular confessor would also add to that and help the penitent overcome habitual sins.

I think it’s a good sign that the boyfriend so far has been honest about this. That’s a good basis for building trust.

Because he’s human?

No man fights this battle alone, successfully. Lust and pride are social evils, with social remedies.

It doesn’t have to be fought alone. As mentioned above, the confessional, with a regular confessor, and a firm purpose of amendment are the best tools for the job. And that is backed up by our best possible friend and mentor in these situations, Christ himself.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

It doesn’t have to be fought alone. As mentioned above, the confessional, with a regular confessor, and a firm purpose of amendment are the best tools for the job. And that is backed up by our best possible friend and mentor in these situations, Christ himself.

Do you have any particular reason why other Christian men shouldn’t be part of one’s recovery? I’m puzzled about why Catholics often oppose such support, and somehow think that the confessional can do everything. I’m sure priests wouldn’t recommend it, though.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Do you have any particular reason why other Christian men shouldn’t be part of one’s recovery? I’m puzzled about why Catholics often oppose such support, and somehow think that the confessional can do everything. I’m sure priests wouldn’t recommend it, though.

It seems to be a better idea to not air your dirty laundry in public. I think the confessional provides enough accountability and I wouldn’t confide any juicy secrets to anyone outside of a confessional unless I was prepared to announce them from a bullhorn.

 

[Irishmom2]

Do you have any particular reason why other Christian men shouldn’t be part of one’s recovery? I’m puzzled about why Catholics often oppose such support, and somehow think that the confessional can do everything. I’m sure priests wouldn’t recommend it, though.

I don’t understand how other men can be a part of one’s recovery in this situation. What exactly do YOU mean by it? And whatever you do mean, the bottom line is that everyone has to hold them self accountable. We have free will to decide for our self, and no one to blame if we fail but our self.