I don't know how to hold my boyfriend accountable

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Although confession is a great place to seek advice, he won’t be able to go for another several months due to the nature of his job. He’s a strong man and while he may not need accountability from anyone other than himself, having someone else who knows where he’s coming from, someone he trusts enough to help him through it, seems as if it could only be of benefit to him. He is responsible for his decisions, and God is helping him through it, but I think sometimes God works through other men too. At least I hope so. 🙂
 
Burt_Macklin said:
It seems to be a better idea to not air your dirty laundry in public. I think the confessional provides enough accountability and I wouldn’t confide any juicy secrets to anyone outside of a confessional unless I was prepared to announce them from a bullhorn.
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I have about 12 different friends who know all my dirty laundry, and none of them would DREAM of telling anyone about it. I feel sorry, honestly, for those who have no one to trust except people who are sworn to keep silent. We all need people to trust.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I don’t understand how other men can be a part of one’s recovery in this situation. What exactly do YOU mean by it? And whatever you do mean, the bottom line is that everyone has to hold them self accountable. We have free will to decide for our self, and no one to blame if we fail but our self.
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Have you never heard of men’s groups, of 12-step groups, of accountability groups, of intimate friendships? Have you never heard how these things can help?

If you find 100 people who have recovered from porn use, I’m guessing somewhere between 99 and 100 of them have done so by receiving significant help from friends. It’s called “living in the light”, and it is most definitely scriptural.

As for holding oneself accountable, OF COURSE that has to happen. But these addictions involve shame, and that’s why other people need to be part of the mix. One holds oneself accountable BY living in the light.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
Do you have any particular reason why other Christian men shouldn’t be part of one’s recovery? I’m puzzled about why Catholics often oppose such support, and somehow think that the confessional can do everything. I’m sure priests wouldn’t recommend it, though.
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Well if it were me, I’d consider it a highly personal issue and would prefer to deal with it in the confessional, or with perhaps a spiritual director; I’m not one to talk about sexual or personal issues to strangers who are under no obligation of confidentiality, other than my spouse, if she’s supportive. However if we’re dealing with a full-blown addiction and not simply a temptation, then something equivalent to AA or a professional therapist may help.

So far from what we’ve heard from the OP, we’re dealing with a strong temptation and not an addiction (assuming he’s on the level with her). We all have strong temptations, and we men in particular tend to have to deal with this one all the time as it is so in our faces, and available just a mouse click or incorrectly typed URL away. Myself and another oblate have told a mutual (non-believing) friend to stop sending us this kind of material by e-mail, for instance. I don’t think we should have to run off to a support group or shrink for every temptation we face, even if we fall from time to time.

But by all means if the OP’s BF thinks outside support can help go for it. We’re all different.

To the OP, you should really try to be supportive to your BF about this, rather than give him ultimatums that are setting both of you up for a big disappointment. At least he’s been honest enough with you to say it’s a worry for him. Your support and forgiveness and willingness to work with him on this will go a lot farther than setting “deal-breakers”. Make him want to improve rather than wanting to hide it from you for fear of losing you.
 
Prodigal Son, I get what you are saying. I suppose my problem would be more with a man having his girlfriend or wife be the one that he vents to or looks to for accountability. It just isn’t right.
 
Confession is ideal probably, but pragmatically speaking, in his situation right now, a fellow devout Christian is a good choice for an accountability partner.

If it were confession, it would really need to be a regular confessor.

Confession is very powerful. Use a two pronged offensive in this battle at the very least. 🙂
 
PaulinVA said:
If this is true, making it a deal breaker certainly constricts your pool of available potential spouses.
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I don’t doubt the figures, if you include simply looking at nudes. The Church though has a somewhat narrower view of pornography describing it as:
2354 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties.
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(CCC)

However there’s also lust:
2351 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.
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No doubt looking at nude or scantily clad models elicits lust, even if it isn’t, by the above definition “pornography”.

The reality is that these days, simply walking down a town or city’s main shopping street in high summer is, if not pornographic, certainly lust-inducing.

Unfortunately, we’ve gone from a stack of hidden Playboys at the barber shop to such wide availability of pornography on-line that we have become desensitized. Our “intelligent” devices are not only making us dumber, but turning us into insensitive monsters. We’ve come to believe that displaying pornographic images is a victimless crime when in reality they are pictures of very real, and often very broken, people. The use of their images in pornography is a huge offense to their dignity.
 
OraLabora said:
To the OP, you should really try to be supportive to your BF about this, rather than give him ultimatums that are setting both of you up for a big disappointment. At least he’s been honest enough with you to say it’s a worry for him. Your support and forgiveness and willingness to work with him on this will go a lot farther than setting “deal-breakers”. Make him want to improve rather than wanting to hide it from you for fear of losing you.
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I looked up a lot of Christian written articles on what to do when your significant other is addicted to pornography (he had an addiction but hasn’t acted on it since we started dating) and I could have gotten some bad advice in that area. There were so many articles about wives struggling with their husband’s porn addiction, their marriages completely falling apart, that it’s scary to consider pursuing a relationship if he keeps falling back into pornography.

I will work on the areas that you mentioned, making him want to improve was my goal from the beginning, but perhaps it didn’t come off in the right manner. I suppose porn being a deal-breaker is something I’m going to have to re-evaluate, and be more prepared for the possibility of having to face this issue at the very least. Thank you for your advice!
PaulinVA said:
If this is true, making it a deal breaker certainly constricts your pool of available potential spouses.
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I guess there’s something to say for the fact that I fell in love with a man addicted to porn the first time!
 
Prodigal_Son said:
I have about 12 different friends who know all my dirty laundry, and none of them would DREAM of telling anyone about it. I feel sorry, honestly, for those who have no one to trust except people who are sworn to keep silent. We all need people to trust.
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I’m more than a little skeptical of “porn addiction”. But regardless of whether or not it is, once a man is married, it stops being “his” problem and becomes a martial problem. I couldn’t imagine having a husband who wanted to share that with 12 of his closest friends. That would be humiliating and a betrayal to me.

At least once he’s married, that’s best kept for priests, therapists, and anonymous support groups. Not friends or family members.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I’m more than a little skeptical of “porn addiction”. But regardless of whether or not it is, once a man is married, it stops being “his” problem and becomes a martial problem. I couldn’t imagine having a husband who wanted to share that with 12 of his closest friends. That would be humiliating and a betrayal to me.

At least once he’s married, that’s best kept for priests, therapists, and anonymous support groups. Not friends or family members.
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Why would that be a betrayal? How would that be humiliating? Husbands and wives aren’t obliged to share every thought and action with each other. We don’t own each other, nor should we feel jealous if they share some of their thoughts with others. And why would it be OK for a husband to share something like this with a therapist, but not with a friend?
 
Brendan_64 said:
Why would that be a betrayal? How would that be humiliating? Husbands and wives aren’t obliged to share every thought and action with each other. We don’t own each other, nor should we feel jealous if they share some of their thoughts with others. And why would it be OK for a husband to share something like this with a therapist, but not with a friend?
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I view it like having an affair. For a married man to tell all of his friends that he steps out on his wife every now and then would be humiliating to her. And regardless of how much he “knows” his friends would never tell, there’s a great chance that they are at least going home and telling their wives. So now this woman is trying to support her husband in his “addiction” and wondering about who knows, and who is whispering amongst themselves with things like “oh poor girl” or the more ignorant “I wonder why she isn’t doing ______ for him”, or even “I hope she leaves him”.

It just isn’t appropriate to take things like that that have such a huge impact on your spouse to friends and family members. You just can’t guarantee that they will guard your spouse’s dignity and trust the way that you would want them to. And I believe that this is true not just for porn but for many things-infidelity, money problems, mental health issues, etc. Unless you’re calling it quits on your marriage, keep personal and embarrassing things to yourself. You will ultimately cause your spouse a lot less pain.

Of course I’m fine with priests and therapists. 1. Everyone needs help sometimes, 2. They are able to be more detached and objective, and 3. Confidentiality is assured.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I view it like having an affair. For a married man to tell all of his friends that he steps out on his wife every now and then would be humiliating to her. And regardless of how much he “knows” his friends would never tell, there’s a great chance that they are at least going home and telling their wives. So now this woman is trying to support her husband in his “addiction” and wondering about who knows, and who is whispering amongst themselves with things like “oh poor girl” or the more ignorant “I wonder why she isn’t doing ______ for him”, or even “I hope she leaves him”.
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Once a story enters the rumour mill you have no control over how big it will get. It might get told to a friend as, “I take the occasional look at the victoria’s secret catalogue” and then leave the rumour mill as, “Frank could lose his job at any minute because he can’t stop watching porn at work.” It’s just good policy to not tell anyone anything you don’t want repeated.
 
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