I don't know if I want children

[happymommy]

Well, if I am selfish, all the more reason for me not to have children.

No, all the more reason to change!

 

[hadassahjones]

This is the line that worries me You realize of course that the state you are in is sinful unless you are living with your boyfriend as brother and sister. I have never gone through RCIA since I’m a cradle Catholic so I dont know exactly what is required at the point of becoming a Catholic, but what will you do, before being accepted in the CC, about confession and Holy Communion. If you confess that you are living with your boyfriend and have no intention of moving out then the confession will be a bad one and will be a sacriledge to receive Holy Communion.
Also, all couples seeking marriage are asked if they will accept children willingly. If you say yes but actually mean no, it could make for an invalid marriage. So the best thing to do is to explain all of this if you havent yet to the priest or even send a PM to Fr. Serpa of on the Q&A. Personally I think this is too big an issue to discuss on the forum as you may get many conflicting answers.

May prayers are with you…

I asked my priest once I knew I wanted to stick with RCIA if my living situation was an impediment to my baptism. He said we would need to discuss it further, and we have. The mere fact that I am considering returning to a chaste lifestyle (every man I know, short of my boyfriend, considers me “not the kind of woman you marry”) speaks to how strongly I have come to believe in the Catholic church and doctrine. My boyfriend and I will be meeting with him in a few weeks to discuss our options (marriage being one of them that may be discussed) and to work on my boyfriend possibly returning to the church. Whether we decide to marry or live separately until we are ready to be married, we will be living chastely. I will either be doing this conversion thing completely, or not at all.

 

[Viki63]

The main reason for my worry is that I feel I may not be emotionally capable of being a mother.

Couple of thoughts: if you were not emotionally capable of being a mother, you wouldn’t be emotionally capable of being a loving wife. Love is pretty much the same. Actually, children are often easier to love than a spouse.
I never liked other people’s children much, they intimidated me. When I had my own, though, it became a different story.
Having children is one of the things that helps people mature into adults. It’s also one of the greatest things human beings can do. And there are great risks involved. But I would not have missed having children for the world.​

 

[r4j]

I appreciate everyone’s responses. I know that I have to trust God to give me the strength when the time comes.

I want to break the cycle of bad choices that the women of the last two generations of my family have made in men and family. I believe that I’ve found a good man, and I want to have a good family. If I have a child, I want him/her to have a good, nurturing father, parents who know and trust God through the Church, and to grow up mentally and emotionally healthy.

I am praying every day that the counseling I am in with my priest will finally heal my emotional and mental problems left over from what my father did. When that happens, maybe I will feel better equipped to bring another human being into this world and not fear so much that my child will have the same problems I have.

God bless you hadassahjones, you are already a good parent. You’ve already started to reverse the past by being aware of it and taking action to do differently. That is such a tough thing - to fight what you saw growing up. After 18 years of marriage, my wife and I are still fighting tides of the past. But we’re getting there. We’ve probably made the most progress in the last 2 years, once we opened our hearts to God and learned about His love for us, what we owe Him and what we are to do for others. I wish I could go back and re-raise our first two children, our third is going to have it so much better. But our first 2 are still young and we have time to make up for the lacks they received. And by the will and grace of God they will be fine. If there’s one thing good I’ve done for them, it’s teach them about and have them establish a relationship with God.

 

[YipYupYep]

All of us will, at the end of the day, have some regret. Something you did, or did not do. No regret will at be deeper and more abiding than a decision to not have children. There is a type of Catholic family planing. Family planing, not birth control planing.

The day will come when its no longer a decision. The day will come when you cant. Then it will hit you. Hard.

In my judgment, the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony should not be confider upon you if go into it with the understanding that you will not pass on the gift of life. The marital embrace will be a type of fornication if not a type of masturbation; worse case, but all of it, sinful.

What did Lord Jesus do to the tree that did not bear fruit?

Sorry to say.

 

[YipYupYep]

You can still marry because it can be consummated. But we must all be open to the gift of life. Anything else is a sin.

Im not so sure about that. Yes, what you have written is true, but there is more to it. Like kids.

Quote: Search Result
Catechism of the Catholic Church

2201 The conjugal community is established upon the consent of the spouses. Marriage and the family are ordered to the good of the spouses and to the procreation and education of children. The love of the spouses and the begetting of children create among members of the same family personal relationships and primordial responsibilities. Un Quote.

The CCC has more about it and goes into specific detail. That is just the first one I came upon.

 

[r4j]

All of us will, at the end of the day, have some regret. Something you did, or did not do. No regret will at be deeper and more abiding than a decision to not have children. There is a type of Catholic family planing. Family planing, not birth control planing.

The day will come when its no longer a decision. The day will come when you cant. Then it will hit you. Hard.

In my judgment, the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony should not be confider upon you if go into it with the understanding that you will not pass on the gift of life. The marital embrace will be a type of fornication if not a type of masturbation; worse case, but all of it, sinful.

What did Lord Jesus do to the tree that did not bear fruit?

Sorry to say.

This seems kind of harsh Yip. As a Catholic in good standing now, I wasn’t so for much of our marriage. I did get raised Catholic, I went to Catholic elementary school, I went to Pre-Cana. But I never came away with what marriage is and what responsibilities we have as Catholics - partly because I was not a practicing Catholic for many years. I did have children because my and wife desired them. But all of the sex and and so forth that came before I realized what the Church teaching said - was it sinful? I suppose it is if I had knowledge it was a sin which neither my wife or myself did. I only recently learned what the definition of fornication is. Once I learned I went to confession and confessed because I had sex 2 times before I was married. But I didn’t confess the sex my wife and I had when we were doing it for mainly pleasure - should I? Sounds like you think so. And I would err on the side of caution, especially now that I’m aware it may have been a sin. My wife and I used contraceptives at one time. Again, neither of us knowing that it is violation of Church teaching. Why? Because we did not learn our faith to know better.
We have both had re-conversion experiences and have reconciled and live according to Church doctrine.
I don’t know Yip, I guess you’re just laying it on the line. I know in the end it’s heaven or hell. Maybe I’m still struggling with the stark nature of it all vis a vis your comments.
I guess I’m feeling compassionate towards this person who is struggling with some matters and want her to be drawn in by the good as opposed to run in out of fear of the hammer.

 

[TobyLue]

hadassahjones

Whether we decide to marry or live separately until we are ready to be married, we will be living chastely. I will either be doing this conversion thing completely, or not at all.

Congrats. I’m sure this will not be an easy thing to do but I know you will be blessed abundantly. I know of several couples who were not married by the Church but once they decided to get their marriage blessed they started living as brother and sister and they feel so, so blessed. They got the strength by helping one another.

The main reason for my worry is that I feel I may not be emotionally capable of being a mother.

To this I say **NOT **to worry.  Ask for the intercession of the best of all mothers.  The Mother of Jesus, Our Blessed Mother Mary,  will surely help you in this regard. I knew of this young girl many years back that had the same fears when she got married.  After finally giving in and got pregnant and had her first child, she loved the child so much, spent so much time with her little boy, she told her husband that she had to quit work so she could stay home and have more children.  She wanted as many as possible because never knew how great it was to be a mother. They moved to another town because of her husbands job but last I heard she had several kids and still enjoying them.

As far as the concern you had because of you parents, learn by their mistakes and pray to God Our Father in heaven to help you avoid their mistakes and for your husband to be a good father and for you to be a great mother. I feel that because of those concerns you have, they will actually help you to be a terrific mom.

Remember “LOVE CONQUERS ALL”

 

[Ish_Kabibble]

But I didn’t confess the sex my wife and I had when we were doing it for mainly pleasure - should I? Sounds like you think so.

Naaaa, I would say not.

Paragraph # 2351
Body: 1 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes Un Quote

Pleasure is no problem. More the better. Only you know the details, but where is the sin from what you have written. I didn’t see anything about lust.

The Catholic Church has a complicated method of family planning. When done successfully, and done in a unitive manner, what is the goal? Not procreative. It purpose is to prevent that. Sexual pleasure is the goal.

 

[YipYupYep]

But I didn’t confess the sex my wife and I had when we were doing it for mainly pleasure - should I? Sounds like you think so.

Naaaa, I would say not.

Paragraph # 2351
Body: 1 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes Un Quote

Pleasure is no problem. More the better. Only you know the details, but where is the sin from what you have written. I didn’t see anything about lust. Whats left. Sexual pleasure.

The Catholic Church endorses a complicated method for family planning. Why so? To promote the unitive purpose without procreation. Whats left. Sexual pleasure

 

[r4j]

Naaaa, I would say not.

Paragraph # 2351
Body: 1 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes Un Quote

Pleasure is no problem. More the better. Only you know the details, but where is the sin from what you have written. I didn’t see anything about lust. Whats left. Sexual pleasure.

The Catholic Church endorses a complicated method for family planning. Why so? To promote the unitive purpose without procreation. Whats left. Sexual pleasure

You are correct Yip. I took my daughter to confession because she’s going on a confirmation retreat so I popped in to the confessional and brought this up the priest and he said Pope Pious XII declared sex for pleasure (inside marriage) is not a sin.
Thanks for following up.

 

[Salonika]

YipYupYep:

All of us will, at the end of the day, have some regret. Something you did, or did not do. No regret will at be deeper and more abiding than a decision to not have children.

Agree that it very unlikely that anyone will approach death without having ANY regrets of things done or not done.

The day will come when its no longer a decision. The day will come when you cant. Then it will hit you. Hard.

This depends on the person. Yes, some people who have chosen not to have children will feel regret - for some it may be overwhelming for others ache or dull ache.

But for some of us there will be no regret. We made the decision knowing it was the best decision.

What did Lord Jesus do to the tree that did not bear fruit? Sorry to say.

Hope you are not suggesting that having your own children is the only relevant fruit as that would consign a large number of people whose lives are bearing fruit in other ways to a fiery end. Priests, monks, nuns, those who have lived celibate single lives to start with.

And what about those who are infertile or who were unable to conceive or carry a child to term - is this their fate too?