I Don't Know What to Do Anymore...........

[Convert_in_99]

I am SO SO SO sorry this has all been happening to you. Please know I feel for you deeply, as I know from very personal experience the pain caused to both mother and child in these troubled times.

As a former rebel child (twice over!) PRAISE GOD I AM BACK, AGAIN! :extrahappy: I will offer what little I can. I speak from experience of my own rebelling, and what I know my mother went through.

Let me just say that prayers DO work. :yup: Also, my parents never judged me for my behavior. They made it clear that they didn’t approve, but they never judged or belittled me for it.

But, from the former rebel here, a little kindness does go a long way, even when you have offered both cheeks and are still getting slapped (emotionally, I pray not physically!)

I still cry every time I think about what I did to my parents, but, we are VERY close now. So all hope is not lost! :heaven:

But, obviously, your son sees the Church in you. So, you are on the right track. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be so afraid to turn to you right now. I think it is more fear than spite. If it were true spite, you wouldn’t ever hear or see from him for a long time (if ever.) I think he’s more afraid of what you represent to him. An ideal life and set of standards that he feels he cannont compare with or live up too. So, he makes fun of you, belittles you, in order to help make himself feel more comfortable in being “bad.” I know I was excatly like this.

I cannot speak for your son. I can speak from similar experience. However, I am just offering my thoughts an perspectives on the situation, not trying to judge in any way. I know you are hurting, I see your hurt in remembering my mother’s face as she too hurt. It will get better one day, I promise! Maybe not soon, maybe not in this life, but out of all bad comes a greater good. That I am certain of! :yup: Hang in there!

I will pray for your family, especially your son. God bless you and Mary keep you!

 

[Ryan_Smith]

Hello TexRose,
I would like to reiterate what Convert in 99 said from the perspective of a formerly rebellious teen. At the age of 19 I knew that I should be establishing myself as an adult and thought that the only way to do so was by gaining as much independence as possible. I was so sure that it was the right thing to do and that my mother was trying to hold me back and keep me a child that she could maintain control over. My mother hated the girl that I was dating that I felt that was the one and only one for me. It was difficult to deal with. I had all these strong emotions with no experience to back them up with. My mom would constantly bombard me with reasons why I shouldn’t be dating her and that I should be home with the family more often and on and on and on. But the more she tried to convince me of her point, the more I dug in my heals and did things the opposite way even if I didn’t really want to. I just wanted to make my own mistakes and be my own person.
I ended up leaving home and joining the military to get away from my mother and that girl. It took time but I came to understand and appreciate my mom and she came to understand and appreciate me as an adult. In the years that have followed my mom has become one of my closest confidants and friends as well as someone who I respect, trust and cherish. However, this wasn’t possible until I was to see myself as a man independent of my parents.
With all that being said, it was a very difficult time and I know and knew that she had my best intentions at heart but her perspective was very different then my own. Perhaps if you try to see things from his point of view he will be more willing to see things from yours as well. 19 year old boys are quite easy to understand at the end of the day. It must be an incredibly difficult time of transition for you though and I hope that you are able to get through this with sanity intact! Things will get better. It’s just hard to see that right now.

 

[TexRose]

I certainly appreciate your words as well Convertin99 and Ryan Smith. Maybe I also have to realize that he is an adult now and not my little one still. In the blink of an eye our children grow up and we tend to want to hold on as if they are still children. I will definitely pray on this too. Thank you

 

[searching06]

We have a son that is 19 yrs old that needs alot of prayers. He strayed from the church and from us. He wants nothing to do with the church and nothing to do with us as his parents. I really think that he was influenced by his friends. (not trying to make excuses here) He’d rather be with them and be able to party without having to follow any rules. We haven’t seen him in about 3 months. I constantly send him messages on his phone or call him and he won’t answer his phone or answer back the messages. I just don’t know what else to do.
My 9 yr old made 1st Communion Saturday and I sent him messages and I called him and called him. Not only did he not go but he finally sent a message with ugly vulgar language. Language that I would never use much less to my parents. I was in tears Saturday night about this.
Dh tells me that I should just leave him alone. That I should not send him messages anymore.
When kids act this way, don’t they know how much they hurt their mother? I just don’t know what else to do but place him in the Lord’s hands. What else can a mother do?

TexRose, we are dealing with exactly the same thing - 19 y/o in Tx who’d rather party than be with family, is not responsible and will not accept responsibility for his own actions, blames everything on others, etc, etc. My wife is like you - a mother’s love knows no bounds, but she is coming around.

I will not tolerate disrespect or cussing any more in the house; he is almost 19. I kicked him out last summer when he turned 18 because he decided he was going to pierce his lips and made the mistake of telling me again “I’ll do what I want.” Not under my roof. We put up with so much since he was 14, it affected the family terribly, especially my wife and me. But he refuses to accept his actions have an impact on everyone, even now.

We let him move back temporarily in Jan to see if he was really serious about getting a fresh start; he is not. He is a manipulator and tells my wife what she wants to hear because it keeps him in the house a little longer. He has not kept his promises and is literally one wrong word away from being kicked out for good.

For what it is worth, from one is has been and is still there, you have to break off contact until your son decides - if he decides - to contact you. A baby makes it all that much harder, but he made his life, so he has to live it. Tough love, period. No, he does not understand he is hurting you; if he does, it is buried because admitting that means he has to admit he is wrong, too. Talk to your other kids and help them understand you love your son, but there comes a time he has to stand up as a man on his own, and fall as one as well.

Your husband absolutely has to show he will not tolerate any disrespect whatsoever towards you or your daughters, if you have girls. My son thinks respect is letting him do whatever he wants without consequences - behavior, dress, words. He does not believe there should be consequences in life or that people should judge him for his looks or actions. Drinking and drugs are OK in his book. The only thing I think ever sunk in was I told him that with all of my faults, and there are many, he is lucky I am the man I am, or I would have taken him outside and beaten the hell out of him a long time ago, especially for disrespecting his mother.
Unfortunately, the old days are gone and I’d end up in jail.

I will pray for you all, and will PM you if I think of anything else, or if you want to talk details. My wife has turned our son over to God; I’m still trying. God bless.

 

[keri6789]

Do you know the girlfriend? Are you on speaking terms with her or do you have a number to reach her? Your son might be telling her something completely different from the truth. If you have a way to contact her you could ask her to lunch or something like that to let her know that you do want to be involved with your grandson despite what your son might be saying. Does your son know that you know about the baby?

My sister-in-law is expecting and she is due October 10 and they are doing the “find out the sex” unltrasound next month.

 

[CLMargaret]

Prayers for your family.

And, yes, it’s about 4 months along before you can tell the sex.

 

[TexRose]

Well I talked to his girlfriend yesterday and she confirmed it that she’s pregnant. She is due in August! She is a little over 5 months pregnant! I was in shock and am still! She said that it is a boy.

 

[thesearch]

If I were you, I’d get closer to the girlfriend. I’m not saying you should become best friends, but she may also be the key to your son as well. She maybe able to influence him enough to talk to you. Once you are able to talk to him, try it without judgement and start by asking him hows he’s been, talk about him, don’t jump on him about how you’ve been feeling unless he asks. Also, if you get closer with the girl, and they break up later on, it gives you more or a chance to see your grandchild in the future.

I’ve sort of been in this situation (the rebellious side) though was never pregnant. But that is what I would do.

 

[whatevergirl]

Although this situation sounds difficult…with God, all things are bearable…and doable. And…at least they chose life.

I think that could be why your son is pulling away…he might just be confused…scared. Not sure of the next step. Well, you know now, and I pray that the baby will bring everyone closer together.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Although this situation sounds difficult…with God, all things are bearable…and doable. And…at least they chose life.

I think that could be why your son is pulling away…he might just be confused…scared. Not sure of the next step. Well, you know now, and I pray that the baby will bring everyone closer together.

Yes, as a little addition to your beautiful comment, I second the “at least they chose life.”

Since you do not know this girl, I think it is best to hold off ANY criticism until after the baby is born. She, too, could get scared, and then turn to a clinic for “answers!”

Take it from someone who has delt with hundreds of unwed mothers, and women contemplating abortion. Your first step is to do everything possible to protect that life, your granchild’s life within this young woman. This can include helping through prayers, guidance, even materially if need be. You are in no way supporting the sin, your intentions are to save life, to protect it at all costs and that is what we are called to do.

Just some thoughts. Your son, his girlfriend and child were in my rosary tonight.

God bless you and Mary keep you!

 

[TexRose]

Yes, as a little addition to your beautiful comment, I second the "at least they chose life."

Since you do not know this girl, I think it is best to hold off ANY criticism until after the baby is born. She, too, could get scared, and then turn to a clinic for “answers!”

Take it from someone who has delt with hundreds of unwed mothers, and women contemplating abortion. Your first step is to do everything possible to protect that life, your granchild’s life within this young woman. This can include helping through prayers, guidance, even materially if need be. You are in no way supporting the sin, your intentions are to save life, to protect it at all costs and that is what we are called to do.
Just some thoughts. **Your son, his girlfriend and child were in my rosary tonight. **
God bless you and Mary keep you!

Thank you very much! I AM very thankful that she didn’t contemplate abortion. Thank you Lord
She and I talked a good while on the phone yesterday and I told her that we are here to support her, and that if she’d like to talk, i’m just a phone call away. I also told her how much we miss our boy and that if he’s staying away because of this situation that there is no reason for him to go thru this alone. I really opened up my heart and made sure she knew how much we really care and love this baby already.
I hope that our son settles down and that he realizes that it’s time to grow up and work hard for that baby.
Thanks again everyone for your beautiful prayers. I am also including them in my rosary.

 

[daeve]

TexRose, I’m right there with you. Both my sons have broken my heart in different ways. One’s come around a bit, married a girl I like although she’s pretty bizarre, and come back to the family. The other one doesn’t speak to me at all. Long story on him, but I’ve reached out several times and he’s rejected any sort of reconciliation. He did come to my mother’s funeral and was polite, but cold.

A few months ago while cleaning out my aunt’s house, I found a cassette of the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I’ve been saying it on the way home from work every day, specifically for my sons, my daughter-in-law, and all the other wayward children I hear about. Your son will be joining the group today. That chaplet in particular seems pertinent to these situations.

Mothers’ Day this weekend doesn’t hold much appeal to me, with my mother gone, one son out of the picture and my grandson (other son’s child not with wife) in another state. I’m going to go to Mass and talk to my Other Mother, and then plant my mother’s garden in her memory. Son & daughter-in-law are going to help. I’ll be thinking of you and yours, and hope next Mothers’ Day is better for both of us. Deb

 

[TexRose]

TexRose, I’m right there with you. Both my sons have broken my heart in different ways. One’s come around a bit, married a girl I like although she’s pretty bizarre, and come back to the family. The other one doesn’t speak to me at all. Long story on him, but I’ve reached out several times and he’s rejected any sort of reconciliation. He did come to my mother’s funeral and was polite, but cold.

A few months ago while cleaning out my aunt’s house, I found a cassette of the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I’ve been saying it on the way home from work every day, specifically for my sons, my daughter-in-law, and all the other wayward children I hear about. Your son will be joining the group today. That chaplet in particular seems pertinent to these situations.

Mothers’ Day this weekend doesn’t hold much appeal to me, with my mother gone, one son out of the picture and my grandson (other son’s child not with wife) in another state. I’m going to go to Mass and talk to my Other Mother, and then plant my mother’s garden in her memory. Son & daughter-in-law are going to help. I’ll be thinking of you and yours, and hope next Mothers’ Day is better for both of us. Deb

Aw, i’m so sorry We have to keep having faith that our children will turn their lives around. In addition to the rosary, i’m also praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I’ll include you in my prayers as well.

 

[daeve]

Thanks. I guess all any of us can do is pray for guidance and strength for ourselves, and enlightenment for them.

 

[LeahInancsi]

Well I talked to his girlfriend yesterday and she confirmed it that she’s pregnant. She is due in August! She is a little over 5 months pregnant! I was in shock and am still! She said that it is a boy.

I’m so sorry to hear the heartbreak you are suffering.

From glancing at you previous posts in this thread, talking to your son’s girlfriend sounds like progress in the stalemate. Although I’ve never been in a situation similar to your’s or your son’s, it seems best that you accept the girlfriend and the baby. This is not the senario you dreamed of, but going forward you’re going to have to make the best of it.

I think it was mentioned before, but I think a lot of your son’s problem is the unpleasantness of facing you with his big mistake. That’s exactly what it is, a mistake. Don’t pressure you son or his girlfriend to do anything. This is their life, now. The one thing that I hope is very important to you is your future grandchild. Please don’t do or say something that will cut you off from this baby. The baby is an innocent and a part of you regardless of how he came to be or who his parents are. This is going to require a tremendous amount of patience is dealing with your son and his girlfriend, but it will be worth it.

 

[Tonks40]

TexRose -

I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and will include you and your son, his girlfriend, and your grandbaby in my prayers tonight. I, too, am going through a similiar situation with my 17-year-old son, who I kicked out of the house 2 years ago due to his involvement with drugs and alcohol, cussing, violent tendencies. His girlfriend just found out that she’s pregnant and due in December. After many prayers to St. Monica and Our Blessed Mother, he’s finally coming around, but his situation is not quite settled yet. He still has many issues that we have to work on together as a family, and I hope we do so before he joins the Navy in August.

Prayers do work. Although he’s not currently practicing his faith, he is doing a lot of reflection on his life right now, and my hope is that he takes the steps back to our Lord. He’s come to appreciate his family now, and he and his girlfriend even attended his brother’s Confirmation this past Friday.

All hope for your son is not lost yet! Offer your sufferings to Christ for your son’s spiritual benefit. Be positive and hope for the best. Just like all trials, this too shall past, and I pray that you and your son will be reunited with a greater understanding of each other and of our Lord’s will for him and you.

God Bless!

 

[daeve]

Tonks, your kid and his kid and the mother are all going on my wayward list. My son’s child was born when he was 18 years old. My daughter-in-law has had 3, and has custody of none of them. Two were adopted and the father’s mother has the third. I don’t know what it is with kids, but this in not the way I raised mine. I worked at several jobs at a time, went to college and found time for their activities and homework. Neither one finished high school, and one is chronically unemployed. The other doesn’t speak to me. It’s taken years to stop blaming myself, but after a lot of praying and reflecting, I know I did my best to show them the way to productive lives. Both have mental health issues and that’s part of the problem. Let’s all pray for each other and our bratheaded kids, and maybe our combined power of prayer will save us all.

 

[TexRose]

What a hard day yesterday was. I was hoping that he’d call but he didn’t. My sister did talk to him and she said that they joked some and that she asked him how would the baby be calling me. Would it be granny or grandma and that he laughed. He told her that he’d call me but he never did. I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy twice yesterday because I really needed that peace. kwim? I also prayed the rosary at night before going to bed.
I was watching some of Father Corapi’s videos on YouTube and this one really hit home. What an awesome priest he is!

youtube.com/watch?v=jfKhs84Lixg&mode=related&search=

youtube.com/watch?v=5UeEI75-5rE&mode=related&search=

 

[keri6789]

What a hard day yesterday was. I was hoping that he’d call but he didn’t. My sister did talk to him and she said that they joked some and that she asked him how would the baby be calling me. Would it be granny or grandma and that he laughed. He told her that he’d call me but he never did. I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy twice yesterday because I really needed that peace. kwim? I also prayed the rosary at night before going to bed.
I was watching some of Father Corapi’s videos on YouTube and this one really hit home. What an awesome priest he is!

youtube.com/watch?v=jfKhs84Lixg&mode=related&search=

youtube.com/watch?v=5UeEI75-5rE&mode=related&search=

I just wanted to let you know that I thought about you yesterday. I know it probably wasn’t the best Mother’s Day for you. I’ll keep you and your son in my prayers.

Love,
Keri