I don't know what to do

[ymartinez1015]

I have posted here about my MIL. Things are not getting any better. My MIL is supposed to be here in October to visit however due to unforseen circumstances my husband and I are going through a delicate situation to which we were not expecting and will have to see a medical specialist in September. We have no idea what our plan of action will be once we have sat down and talked to our specialist however we know this is not something that will be fixed overnight. A little background about my husband, he grew up with a very close, tight knit family. He is super close to his mom and his granny. His mom has a bad habit of being over-bearing and guilt tripping my husband. I told my husband October is not a good time for my MIL to visit, her trip will have to be postponed until we are ready. He told me this was not fair and he misses his family. I told him, what we are going through is not to be taken lightly and needs attention. He has yet to tell his mom October is not a good time to visit. For as long as we have been married, I have always felt like my husband puts his extended family first, I have always felt like I am in competition with his family. I never felt like I had a place in our marriage. Even though I am his wife, he claims he puts me first and above all, I have yet to be convinced. When he speaks about his family, he comes off very passionate and will defend to the T however when it comes to me, it seems bland. My MIL asked my husband why I don’t talk to her as much. Right now, I need to be alone, take care of my family and take care of myself. I don’t want to interact with someone who already has an agenda. I don’t know what to do.

 

[Xantippe]

I have posted here about my MIL. Things are not getting any better. My MIL is supposed to be here in October to visit however due to unforseen circumstances my husband and I are going through a delicate situation to which we were not expecting and will have to see a medical specialist in September. We have no idea what our plan of action will be once we have sat down and talked to our specialist however we know this is not something that will be fixed overnight. A little background about my husband, he grew up with a very close, tight knit family. He is super close to his mom and his granny. His mom has a bad habit of being over-bearing and guilt tripping my husband. I told my husband October is not a good time for my MIL to visit, her trip will have to be postponed until we are ready. He told me this was not fair and he misses his family. I told him, what we are going through is not to be taken lightly and needs attention. He has yet to tell his mom October is not a good time to visit. For as long as we have been married, I have always felt like my husband puts his extended family first, I have always felt like I am in competition with his family. I never felt like I had a place in our marriage. Even though I am his wife, he claims he puts me first and above all, I have yet to be convinced. When he speaks about his family, he comes off very passionate and will defend to the T however when it comes to me, it seems bland. My MIL asked my husband why I don’t talk to her as much. Right now, I need to be alone, take care of my family and take care of myself. I don’t want to interact with someone who already has an agenda. I don’t know what to do.

Can he go make a short visit by himself (or maybe with a kid)? Or would that not work with the medical situation?

 

[Xantippe]

Also, you can ask your husband, “Given our medical issues, how are you planning on adjusting our hosting arrangements?”

For instance, they might need to stay at a hotel, you might need to just offer sandwiches for dinner, turn them loose during the day rather than playing tour guide, ask for help with grocery shopping, etc.

If he still wants to invite them, he should figure out those details, and then offer the family the choice of either a more streamlined visit or a full bells-and-whistles visit later.

Good luck!

 

[ymartinez1015]

Due to his work schedule, it’s not feasible and he actually needs to be present in order for us to fix what needs to be fixed.

 

[St_Francis]

This may be a situation which requires a third person’s help. Have you thought of asking your husband to go see a priest or someone else about this?

I mention this because the problem seems to go deeper than your MIL’s visit.

 

[mommy_k]

I am lost here… your husband should just tell his mom November is better. Or late August.

Any alternate date is better then just saying you can’t come at that time.

 

[jane_doe]

There are two issues here: the visit itself, and your feelings of inadequacy compared to his family.

Addressing the visit itself:

• If this medical issue is focused on you then I would say your desire to be alone is the most important, and your husband’s desire to see his family takes second priority.
• If this medical issue is focused on him, then his desire to see his mother takes precedence to your desire to be alone.
• Possible alternative situations: if MIL wants to come to town (I’m assuming she lives far away) but you can’t handle the stress of her being in the house, how about she take the grandkids on a mini-vacation somewhere nearby. That way she gets to see family, and you get even more quiet.

The issue of your feelings of inadequacy compared to his family runs deeper and is not very well addressed on a internet thread. I suggest open trusting communication with your husband and possibly some maybe some informal counseling.

 

[mommy_k]

You have been posting about trying to get out of this upcoming visit for MONTHS. This is what you posted about this visit on **February 29, 2016: **

***“My mother in law will be visiting in October. October will be a horrible month for me however this is the only time she has time to visit. Should my husband and I accommodate our schedules for her? Should I go about my days like I normally do? I don’t want my life to Come to a stop because she is visiting.” ***

After that you posted many other times about being upset because your mother-in-law said she was glad her son married you and she loved you. You were upset she challenged you to a cooking contest, when people here thought maybe she was trying to have some fun with you, clearly there is more here than meets they eye in your relationship with this woman.

I would take this up with your priest immediately. As many times as you have posted about your mother-in-law, the most I could find is that she is annoying. Yes, she is annoying, I get that, but she is not the devil himself from all you have described. I don’t know what to offer you other than prayers. I am sorry you are going through this I really am but you and your husband should talk to a priest and soon because your stress over this seems really high. Please take care.

Yes… I forgot these posts…Monicad is right.

 

[heidi_storage]

You have been posting about trying to get out of this upcoming visit for MONTHS. This is what you posted about this visit on **February 29, 2016: **

***“My mother in law will be visiting in October. October will be a horrible month for me however this is the only time she has time to visit. Should my husband and I accommodate our schedules for her? Should I go about my days like I normally do? I don’t want my life to Come to a stop because she is visiting.” ***

After that you posted many other times about being upset because your mother-in-law said she was glad her son married you and she loved you. You were upset she challenged you to a cooking contest, when people here thought maybe she was trying to have some fun with you, clearly there is more here than meets they eye in your relationship with this woman.

I would take this up with your priest immediately. As many times as you have posted about your mother-in-law, the most I could find is that she is annoying. Yes, she is annoying, I get that, but she is not the devil himself from all you have described. I don’t know what to offer you other than prayers. I am sorry you are going through this I really am but you and your husband should talk to a priest and soon because your stress over this seems really high. Please take care.