I don't know what to think, say or feel

[chevalier]

Hmm… I don’t get what people have against single friends of the same sex. I understand that in the case of single friends of the opposite sex there may be some (more justified than it may appear) cautiousness, but what with same-sex friends? It seems to me to be something unreasonable and thus something to fear. I think it would be a good idea to spend some time thinking about such motivations and find out whether there is some reason in them - and probably an underlying cause which is different from just the fact they’re single (don’t know, as in, they’re single and promiscuous and always tempting the married one into bad places?), or to drop it.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Hmm… I don’t get what people have against single friends of the same . I understand that in the case of single friends of the opposite there may be some (more justified than it may appear) cautiousness, but what with same-sex friends? It seems to me to be something unreasonable and thus something to fear. I think it would be a good idea to spend some time thinking about such motivations and find out whether there is some reason in them - and probably an underlying cause which is different from just the fact they’re single (don’t know, as in, they’re single and promiscuous and always tempting the married one into bad places?), or to drop it.

IMO, it wouldn’t matter if the friends are single, married, widowed, same gender or whatever. What would bother me, as a wife with little kids at home, would be that my husband is out 5 times a month with friends. To me, that would be the issue. Not only the time spent away from the family, but the money spent, and the probable temptations “out there”…wherever OP’s dh is hanging out with his buddies. Other than working, I don’t “go out” and do something 5 times a month, unless it is with my kids or dh.
One other point…this obviously bothers the OP. Not unreasonably either. That, in and of itself, should cause OP’s dh to look at his actions. I’m not saying the guy shouldn’t ever go out, but he should cut it down if it is hurting his wife and making her feel lonely or abandoned.

 

[housewife]

Thanks to all for your posts!

My husband and I go out once a week. My DM or MIL babysit for us. We usually go out on Fridays. Whenever we do go out, we come home when the night is still young(let’s say we leave at 6 and come back by 10 or 11). Most of the time, not all the time, he will then ask me if I don’t mind him hanging out with his friends and have a couple of beers either here at home or at one of his friend’s house or at a bar. Of course, most of the time I don’t mind, however, I mind whenever I feel that he has not spent much time with the kiddos during that week. I don’t like for him to lack sleep coming home at 3 am and then having our kiddos wake us up at 8am. He seems to be out of energy because of his lack of sleep. I tell him this and he says that it is really relaxing to him to hang out with his friends. I trust him. He is a wonderful hubby, but I guess that is one of the things that mostly gets to me and also the fact that I would love to spend some for myself and I simply chose not to while I see him so care free making time for himself.

 

[chevalier]

Housewife, I can’t say I feel your pain since I’ve never been married, but I know it feels when you just skip things so as to spend time with the other person and that person prefers to go out and do so without you. It’s not a nice feeling at all. But since he’s a good guy, maybe he will see if you explain to him how it feels?

Giannawannabe, we agree on all accounts, it seems.

 

[Julianna]

Thanks to all for your posts!

My husband and I go out once a week. My DM or MIL babysit for us. We usually go out on Fridays. Whenever we do go out, we come home when the night is still young(let’s say we leave at 6 and come back by 10 or 11). Most of the time, not all the time, he will then ask me if I don’t mind him hanging out with his friends and have a couple of beers either here at home or at one of his friend’s house or at a bar. Of course, most of the time I don’t mind, however, I mind whenever I feel that he has not spent much time with the kiddos during that week. I don’t like for him to lack sleep coming home at 3 am and then having our kiddos wake us up at 8am. He seems to be out of energy because of his lack of sleep. I tell him this and he says that it is really relaxing to him to hang out with his friends. I trust him. He is a wonderful hubby, but I guess that is one of the things that mostly gets to me and also the fact that I would love to spend some for myself and I simply chose not to while I see him so care free making time for himself.

If he is coming home at 3 am from a night out with the guys…I would be concerned as to “how he got home”. Hopefully not drinking and driving. Three AM out with the guys is ridiculas at best for a married man with a family. I see that he encourages you to go out with your friends …that’s great…however I think he would have a big problem if you came staggering in at 3 am! (supposing you are not pregnant in this scenerio). Also, at this time you are not out “drinking” with the girls. Dinner, movie and shopping can be done in less than 5 hours. You’ll be in bed by 10 the latest. I would not sympathize with him if he only got 4-5 hours sleep after running with the pack most of the night. The grass still needs to be cut and the car needs an oil change. His butt is out of bed, with an aspirin and a glass of juice at regular time. I find it odd that him coming home at 3 am is ok with you.

I like the suggestions of inviting the guys over…but you will find that the some of the “boys” aren’t into the family atmosphere. So, you invite them to a bbq as someone suggested, bring a date, a friend, someone. Invite a neighbor, a few couples and slowly wean him away from the “nights out”.

I don’t think it’s just hormones…you are concerned…and your concern is valid. Time for this shrinking violet to bloom.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Oh, wow. Three a.m. That puts a whole new spin on things.

No, that shouldn’t fly. Not at all. First of all, the bars usually have last call at 0130. They’re closed by 0200. About 90 percent of the people out on the road at that hour are legally drunk.

So if your husband has a BAC anywhere approaching drunk, eventually the law of averages is going to catch up to him. He will get nabbed and that will have serious consequences for his job, his ability to drive, and your finances and insurance.

Secondly, and worse, being out at that hour drastically increases his own risk of being a victim of someone else’s DWI. Or he kills someone else.

Ask him how he wants to be remembered if you, pregnant, get the knock on the door by the cop at 0400 and the news that he was a DWI victim. Ask him how his children will eventually feel, that they are fatherless because daddy preferred to be out with friends instead of home with them and their mother.

Tell him you don’t go to jail and bail him out at 0500.

Ask him if he has any idea of any mature good non-drinking men you can date after he is gone who will raise his children for him. Ask for names and phone numbers.

College is over. It’s time to grow up. It doesn’t take five hours to drink a couple of beers.

The boy needs a curfew. And if he doesn’t comply, he can sleep on the couch.

If that’s how he’s been behaving, no wonder you are mad!