I’m so confused…
I’ve done threads on this kind of thing before, but I need some advice.
I’m 14, about to go into highschool. I have a crush on my same-sex friend–and it’s more serious, I think, than any I’ve had before. I’m worried I’m headed down a path.
I come from a Protestant background and only this past year have found my way home. My mother refuses to let me be confirmed till I’m eighteen. So I can’t partake of the Eucharist, or participate in ANY of the sacraments. I guess because of all this, I’ve felt “freer” to follow my own inclinations. “After all,” I figure, “I don’t have to worry about receiving Christ in a certain state or going to confession YET.”
I know, I know. I should make a spiritual communion and meet with my priest anyway. Part of me wants to…
The other doesn’t.
My friend is an amazing person and comes from a really close Catholic family. They’re amazing! I love them. We hang out a lot. He’s so incredibly nice (beautiful, too), and when I’m around him… I don’t know. I always here people say they get “butterflies.” I do around him. Sometimes we go on walks… and it’s like, by the way he looks at me and smiles sometimes, like maybe–just maybe–I’m not totally crazy and he returns my sentiments. He’s not “effeminate” or anything–but he’s not the typical he-man jock guy either. He’s Polish and has an amazing build. He’s a swimmer. His little bros are gymnists.
I first saw him in my CCD class (I attend, but am not technically IN the class). I never minded him much, as he was quiet and well-mannered. I’m not. lol Not at all. I speak my mind and speak loudly. I thought he was cute. I didn’t approach him. It wasn’t until I sat behind them in the Youth Mass that I REALLY noticed him–during the sign of peace. Afterwards, they were all speaking with a nun that was visiting our parish, and she asked us if we knew each other. We all began talking.
I’m even more confused because of another friend. Her name is Danielle. She is also from my CCD class. She’s gorgeous and uber-nice and very opionated (the lattermost why her romantic life is nonexistent). She had a thing for me for a long time. We’re really close, and so I finally came out and told her that I liked him. I knew she’d understand. Not only did she, but she SUPPORTED me. It was, and is, nice to have her unconditional love–but I told her outright I didn’t believe it all to be right. Still, I caught myself talking to her about it as if it were a definite possibility.
I’m probably just reading too much into certain things. I doubt he really feels the same. Still… I sometimes wonder. I want to be close to him. I want to be his. And somehow, I’ve just let all this go on. I pray and talk to God and go to Mass and get into the Scriptures. But it’s like my attraction and my thoughts and all that don’t even phase me like they used to. I just live in a contradiction.
I want to do what’s right to God and have every idea where to start–yet I keep hesitating.
I need some wisdom here.
