I don't like babies, and I'm not attracted to my husband

[ndnerd08]

Briefly, I’ve never been attracted to babies. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve felt uncomfortable and awkward around little kids to the point that people in my family thought there was something wrong with me. Now I am married. I accept teaching that marriage requires openness to life, but still–I don’t like babies and have no desire for them. Let me get this straight–I will not actively destroy life should I become pregnant nor am I being closed to life with ABC–but I just don’t care for kids. I’m just not attracted. I feel uncomfortable being around some of our church young couples, because a lot of them have been married for a similar amount of time as us and have a kid or have one on the way, and I just don’t fit in to their conversations and I hate lying and trying to not be grossed out.

Also…when we were courting, I did my best to not think about lustful thoughts and my husband didn’t discuss sexual topics because he had a difficult time feeling chaste about doing so. I trusted that things would be okay once we got married because we had a healthy enough romantic attraction just kissing and holding hands. Now that I’m married, I’ve discovered that I’m not sexually attracted to my husband. Sex is awkward and I dislike putting out.

Should I have gotten married at all? We dated throughout college and long-distance two years after college (about 1000 miles away). People always mention to us how we inspire them as a couple and an example of Catholic courtship. I enjoy being married to the extent that my husband is a great roommate and a best friend. I’m disappointed.

 

[1ke]

You and he need counseling, separately and together. This is something that you need to work through long term and not on the internet. We cannot tell you whether you “should have” gotten married or not. What should have occurred was a lengthy discussion between the two of you and the priest preparing you for marriage.

 

[Trishie]

Be assured that having you own child is a very different feeling to observing others’ children. Disinterest in others’ children does not signify that your feelings for your own child will not be deeply maternal.

And you’d be far from being the only wife who found her interest or feeling for sex isn’t what you expected. It is doubtful that lack of attraction is due to your husband, but would apply with any partner so please don’t damage your relationship with your husband by believing he is the problem. The difficulty is something you need to deal with appropriate counselling but certainly with compassion for your spouse.

My prayers for you both

 

[JM3]

You and he need counseling, separately and together. This is something that you need to work through long term and not on the internet. We cannot tell you whether you “should have” gotten married or not. What should have occurred was a lengthy discussion between the two of you and the priest preparing you for marriage.

Exactly

 

[freerf]

Briefly, I’ve never been attracted to babies. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve felt uncomfortable and awkward around little kids to the point that people in my family thought there was something wrong with me. Now I am married. I accept teaching that marriage requires openness to life, but still–I don’t like babies and have no desire for them. Let me get this straight–I will not actively destroy life should I become pregnant nor am I being closed to life with ABC–but I just don’t care for kids. I’m just not attracted. I feel uncomfortable being around some of our church young couples, because a lot of them have been married for a similar amount of time as us and have a kid or have one on the way, and I just don’t fit in to their conversations and I hate lying and trying to not be grossed out.

Also…when we were courting, I did my best to not think about lustful thoughts and my husband didn’t discuss sexual topics because he had a difficult time feeling chaste about doing so. I trusted that things would be okay once we got married because we had a healthy enough romantic attraction just kissing and holding hands. Now that I’m married, I’ve discovered that I’m not sexually attracted to my husband. Sex is awkward and I dislike putting out.

Should I have gotten married at all? We dated throughout college and long-distance two years after college (about 1000 miles away). People always mention to us how we inspire them as a couple and an example of Catholic courtship. I enjoy being married to the extent that my husband is a great roommate and a best friend. I’m disappointed.

I’m sure you husband is probably equally disappointed. maybe you are not enjoying sex because you are depressed? because you are afraid of getting preggo? i find it surprising you were attracted to your husband before marriage, but not after. so, it seems maybe it’s not the attraction but something else? if you had premarital relations with another person (other than your husband) that might be affecting your relationship with him now as well.

 

[twoangels]

Be assured that having you own child is a very different feeling to observing others’ children. Disinterest in others’ children does not signify that your feelings for your own child will not be deeply maternal.

And you’d be far from being the only wife who found her interest or feeling for sex isn’t what you expected. It is doubtful that lack of attraction is due to your husband, but would apply with any partner so please don’t damage your relationship with your husband by believing he is the problem. The difficulty is something you need to deal with appropriate counselling but certainly with compassion for your spouse.

My prayers for you both

::Like::

 

[beth40n2]

You are not the first person who I have heard does not care for babies or little children. I can tell you if you ever get pregnant, you will fall in love with your child. Your motherly instincts will kick in and you will do well. I am so glad you hear you say that you would never terminate a pregnance as some would say, even thought I blunly call it killing a baby.

I agree with several entries that you do need counciling. I also think it would be worth your while to read John Paul II’s Theology on the Body. theologyofthebody.net/ I have been teaching the teen version to my 8th and 9th graders and most churches around me are doing the same thing. We need to see each person as God’s creation, and sex is not just putting out, it giving ourselves to each other in love. Today’s society it is all about us, but if you love your husband, even if it is not in a sexual way, you will want what is best for him, and what makes him happy.

I will be praying for you. God Bless.

 

[kitchendiva]

You also might want to let you doctor know about this. You could possibly have a hormone imbalance making you feel this way. Also, some prescription drugs can have this effect. I have had times when I’ve “lost” attraction to my husband due to anti-depressant drugs. Luckily, I figured out what was going on…

 

[Charlotte1776]

You are not the first person who I have heard does not care for babies or little children. I can tell you if you ever get pregnant, you will fall in love with your child. Your motherly instincts will kick in and you will do well.

I’m not so sure about that… I have a friend who got married, and although her husband wanted children she did not like kids and was determined to never have one. She got pregnant despite being on ABC and had her tubes tied immediately after. She loves her kid, but he is mostly ignored and spends several nights a week at grandma’s house 45 minutes away because she does not want to deal with him. Because she hardly every interacts with him he has the verbal skills of a 3 year old despite being 4 1/2 years old (he was at a 2-year-old level until he started preschool last month). All of our mutual friends feel incredibly sorry for her son and feel she should never have become a mother. Her cousin is epsecially furious about how he is treated because she says he is often dumped at her doorstep when mom doesn’t want him for the evening. Some women are just not up to the task of motherhood.
If someone truly does not want a child, I don’t think they should have one and just hope they will transform into a good mom afterwards. It is not guaranteed to happen, and if it doesn’t the child is going to suffer greatly.

 

[Corinne3]

I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit when I saw the headline of this post!

You are too funny!

I say a wonderful best friend, and roomate makes the best husband!!! You are very lucky!

You have a companion, a trusted friend, etc. That’s great!

I don’t think a couple should have kids if they don’t want them. I guess just use the natural family planning and plan to NOT get pregnant. If you happen to though, I know you’ll adore your own baby!!!

Good Luck~~~

 

[twoangels]

I’m not so sure about that… I have a friend who got married, and although her husband wanted children she did not like kids and was determined to never have one. She got pregnant despite being on ABC and had her tubes tied immediately after. She loves her kid, but he is mostly ignored and spends several nights a week at grandma’s house 45 minutes away because she does not want to deal with him. Because she hardly every interacts with him he has the verbal skills of a 3 year old despite being 4 1/2 years old (he was at a 2-year-old level until he started preschool last month). All of our mutual friends feel incredibly sorry for her son and feel she should never have become a mother. Her cousin is epsecially furious about how he is treated because she says he is often dumped at her doorstep when mom doesn’t want him for the evening. Some women are just not up to the task of motherhood.
If someone truly does not want a child, I don’t think they should have one and just hope they will transform into a good mom afterwards. It is not guaranteed to happen, and if it doesn’t the child is going to suffer greatly.

We do need to, however, be careful about our attitudes and thoughts about loving others, especially our children. We live in a very consumeristic society. Its overall very “me” focused, all about what “I” get out of it.

Feeling an attraction toward children has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not that child will be loved by his/her parent. I know a woman at my work who has four children and regrets ever becoming a parent. She works primarily to avoid her children and advises everyone to not have children. However, she often talks about how much she wanted a child before she had any. She says that her first child was the most wanted child on the planet. Now he’s a teenager who gets into constant trouble and she just doesn’t want to deal with the responsibilities of parenthood.

Now that said, I think there is a difference between the selfish “Well, I just don’t see what’s in it for me to have children” and just not actively having the experience of “the baby bug” where you anticipate getting pregnant and find babies stick out to you and you just look forward to being a parent one day. Not experiencing that isn’t a bad thing. In fact, experiencing too much of it can be selfish as well. Thinking children are easier than they are or that its all about you and your self fulfillment is not going to lead to being a responsibility parent and may lead to the temptation to some immoral means of attempting to get pregnant.

To some extent, we all need to practice a total surrender to God’s divine providence. Its only realistic that parents will have a mixture of feelings. Parenthood is a big self sacrifice. I do believe that having your own child will stir up a love for your child that is different than what you experience with other people’s children, but we must acknowledge that how well we love other people whether our spouse or our children is a choice. We should not be slaves to our passions and excuse ourselves for bad parenting behavior because we just don’t want to deal with our children. We need to allow parenthood to challenge us to deeper amounts of selflessness and to become a tool for our spiritual growth to greater holiness.

 

[kitchendiva]

I’m not so sure about that… I have a friend who got married, and although her husband wanted children she did not like kids and was determined to never have one. She got pregnant despite being on ABC and had her tubes tied immediately after. She loves her kid, but he is mostly ignored and spends several nights a week at grandma’s house 45 minutes away because she does not want to deal with him. Because she hardly every interacts with him he has the verbal skills of a 3 year old despite being 4 1/2 years old (he was at a 2-year-old level until he started preschool last month). All of our mutual friends feel incredibly sorry for her son and feel she should never have become a mother. Her cousin is epsecially furious about how he is treated because she says he is often dumped at her doorstep when mom doesn’t want him for the evening. Some women are just not up to the task of motherhood.
If someone truly does not want a child, I don’t think they should have one and just hope they will transform into a good mom afterwards. It is not guaranteed to happen, and if it doesn’t the child is going to suffer greatly.

I totally agree. My husband has had many psychological issues his entire life because he had a cold, distant mother.

 

[Cat]

Briefly, I’ve never been attracted to babies. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve felt uncomfortable and awkward around little kids to the point that people in my family thought there was something wrong with me. Now I am married. I accept teaching that marriage requires openness to life, but still–I don’t like babies and have no desire for them. Let me get this straight–I will not actively destroy life should I become pregnant nor am I being closed to life with ABC–but I just don’t care for kids. I’m just not attracted. I feel uncomfortable being around some of our church young couples, because a lot of them have been married for a similar amount of time as us and have a kid or have one on the way, and I just don’t fit in to their conversations and I hate lying and trying to not be grossed out.

Also…when we were courting, I did my best to not think about lustful thoughts and my husband didn’t discuss sexual topics because he had a difficult time feeling chaste about doing so. I trusted that things would be okay once we got married because we had a healthy enough romantic attraction just kissing and holding hands. Now that I’m married, I’ve discovered that I’m not sexually attracted to my husband. Sex is awkward and I dislike putting out.

Should I have gotten married at all? We dated throughout college and long-distance two years after college (about 1000 miles away). People always mention to us how we inspire them as a couple and an example of Catholic courtship. I enjoy being married to the extent that my husband is a great roommate and a best friend. I’m disappointed.

You have learned a certain pattern of behavior. I’m not going to speculate on why or how. Suffice it to say that your attitudes and behaviors have been learned. You didn’t inherit them. You weren’t born with them. They were learned. For whatever reason, you learned to manifest these attitudes and behaviors because it helped you to grow up and accomplish your goals. Now you are in the habit of having these attitudes and behaviors and you don’t know any other way of thinking and behaving.

And since you learned them, that means that you can learn different attitudes and behaviors.

It will take work. It’s not an easy thing, but it can be done. Do you want to learn different attitudes and behaviors?

I’m not talking about becoming a different person. I’m talking about adapting different attitudes and behaviors that will make you more content with your married life. Yes, it might feel strange to you, because you’ve learned a different way. And of course, it’s your choice. You can go back to your old ways. Or you can continue to keep the new attitudes and behaviors that you learn.

I suggest that you seek a counselor who can work with you. The type of therapy that you need is called “cognitive therapy.” My husband went through a few years of this kind of therapy to help him re-learn how to think. He had learned all kinds of negative thinking patterns throughout his childhood and teenaged years, to the point where his thinking was actually distorted. Everyone could see it, but he couldn’t. To him, his thinking was normal. It was “him.” But we all knew that his thinking wasn’t normal at all, and that he was not happy with himself.

E.g., he was convinced that most bad things that happened in our family were his fault. I was actually afraid to tell him when a pipe was leaking because he would be in despair, convinced that if he had only gone to a different college and majored in a different subject and gone to work for a different company, he would be making more money, and then we wouldn’t be living in a house with leaking pipes. To me, it was ridiculous–leaky pipes happen! But he took everything so seriously and personally and always blamed himself.

The therapist helped him to re-learn his thinking so that he was able to re-program his brain. He still gets upset when something goes wrong in the family, but now he is able to roll with the punches of life a little easier and even laugh over it at times! And he doesn’t blame himself.

I think that this kind of counselling could help you to re-shape some of your very rigid thought processes. When it comes to children, it would be a good thing to be able to at least enjoy your own children should you be so blessed. You can LEARN how to enjoy them. You will probably never be one of those huggy, kissy, cuddly moms. But you can be a good mom nonetheless and enjoy raising children with your own style of parenting. I would say that you would probably be a very calm parent, and that’s GOOD for children!

Same for life with your husband. You already have a solid basis for a good marriage–many people can’t say that their husband is their companion, but you can. You need to learn how to love him, and yes, this can be learned. This is not a “feeling.” Spouses who depend on their feelings will be disappointed. Instead, they need to learn how to express love and how to enjoy it.

I hope that my advice is helpful to you.

 

[Beachcomber]

As one poster already mentioned, having your own kids is obviously different from watching someone else’s. Kids kind of made me nervous before I had my son and I never would have thought I’d enjoy children. But, things change. I now wish I could have had several more!

But, these issues need to be discussed with a qualified counselor. I will be praying for you.

 

[BlueShadow123]

there is acouple things you need to do here.
You need to talk to your husband about this first off. What is his side of the story, how does this effect him? is he getting his needs else where? Whats going on between you two?
Second, are you on any medications or has anything in life caused you to not want to be physical with him? This isn’t normal. It is natural for a married couple to be physical with eachother and I guarantee you that if you guys are not, problems will occur. Are you able to be happy when cuddling with him? I suggest seeing a counselor and getting this figured out. Also too, i want you to know that when you have a kid of your own, i am 100% positive that you will see kids differently and you will love your kid with all your heart. Its natural instinct to want to reproduce, so I’m not sure what else to say to this. You haven’t given enough information, but take my advice and I hope the best for you.

 

[Serap]

I totally agree. My husband has had many psychological issues his entire life because he had a cold, distant mother.

That’s so sad!!!

 

[faithfully]

While it’s true that having your own kids (adopted or naturally), you will feel different about them. They are your family. However, I think it would be prudent to investigate this further. Some people really don’t like children. Whether they birth them or not. It may not seem “natural” for many of us. However, it’s a reality. And, IMO, if you don’t like children, and you can’t even invision liking children, I’d personally do my best not to have any. They are a blessing. And should not be felt as a burden, or any other negative description. I personally think it could be a cruel upbringing.

I would suggest that people that abuse their children, don’t actually like them. NOT TO SUGGEST that you are/would be abusive. My point is, that there are plenty that are proof to the extreme that having children will not make you maternal if you aren’t.

I would recommend digging a bit deeper with regard to your physical relationship. A therapist might come in handy here. You certainly don’t need to answer here. But there are things that jump to my mind to consider. Prior to marriage, what did you consider “romantic”, “attraction” etc. What is different now? Do you feel you had Movie Star ideals, and reality isn’t living up to things.

The question above regarding meds is valid. Do you find you just have a low libido. Certain medical conditions can drive this. A low thyroid for example can wipe out a sex drive. In fact there was once a small study that showed married couples, one with functioning thyroid, the other without, they could not relate on anything. Fun for one was sitting on the couch, the other out the door dancing. And their is a high coralation with divorce and untreated thyroid (how sad is that???) Depression is another. The list can go on for a while, sadly.

The statement you make (Sex is awkward, and I dislike putting out.) Is kind of screaming volumes to me.

First of all. How long have you been married? And was DH a virgin? Meaning… you both might be a bit unskilled. Learning each others bodies, feeling comfy having someone look at your body, applying skill TAKES TIME. It sounds as though, you might not be getting satisfied with a big O! And if DH is a bit unskilled, he may just go for it like the energizer bunny, with disregard to how that feels to you? Or just not knowing what else to do.

Sorry to be graphic. It shouldn’t feel like PUTTING OUT! It should feel like you’re recieving something as well!

There are several books that you can look into to guide you here a bit. Others have mentioned Holy Sex. I have not read them… so can’t suggest with experience.

In talking with friends, and just reading up, women who don’t like sex either have a history that is interferring, (abuse, etc), or they are not getting GOOD sex. So, if you don’t have a negataive history. Then the awesome thing is… just like learning to dance… you and DH CAN learn. Doesn’t even matter how many left feet you have.

This man is your husband. Time to talk (if you haven’t already) that you might like to explore some more satisfying attempts. It’s to his benefit too!