I dont like you but I sure love you?

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goodcatholic

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Sorry this might be a tired old topic for some. But it is something I tend to obsess over.
How can you love someone without liking them? That is something I find incredibly challenging.
How can I love someone who admired Hitler for instance? Or a serial killer? Or a pedophile who abused many children?
Well your answer might be:
“just wish them goodwill, happiness and joy in this life and the next.” That doesn’t sound like love to me. That sounds like someone giving lip service as a Christian. Fulfilling their obligation to Jesus Christ. I guess if it comes with genuine warmth and concern for the individual, then it has more validity.
But still.
For me, liking someone is very important in regard to loving them. I like courage and kindness of course. And if their personality traits include humour and eccentricity, I might be further encouraged to like them. But they are not essential. Essentially I like loving people who are not interested in power over others. that is nothing unusual. I am probably the same as many others.

Tolerance is a big part of it too. I don’t think I am loving enough. I admire those who can like and love a whole range of people. That is something I should aspire to perhaps. No not perhaps. Definitely.
 
I’m in the middle of cooking dinner so can’t get into all of your post.

But about loving someone and not liking them very much, well…

as a parent I might feel like that several times a day!!

Haha, sorry, just a reality check that we don’t have to bring Hitler or serial killers into the equation. It’s about loving our own family members and our own circle of aquaintances right here and now. Can we even do that? Not without Jesus!

Cause that means loving the teenager even as he grouches about taking out the trash.

Loving the boy who complains “She hit me first!!”

Loving the girl who tells me “You’re so mean!” for sending her to her room.

Loving ourselves despite the glaring faults and sins we see in the mirror every day…that’s probably the toughest of all.
 
I know what you mean. When I think of God and the word “love” I can’t help but think His definition of love and how His children choose to obey Him by loving others has within it a wisdom we don’t see but can imagine. Meaning, He already knows many of us can’t love Hitler but our efforts in praying, even while feeling disgust might be love. Because we’re only doing it for God. If God is all merciful and all loving and knows our efforts at love are imperfect, maybe that is ok and enough. Maybe that is love because it was an action of good (praying for someone terrible with no feelings attached) out of obedience to the command of our Lord.
 
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It comes more naturally to mothers? Women? Parents? I don’t have kids by the way.
 
I believe C.S. Lewis addressed this in Mere Christianity. I was listening to it on cd and was falling asleep, so I don’t recall what he actually said. I would estimate it about 3/4 of the way into the book. I’ll see if I can find it and post later.
 
I think what is needed is a good solid definition of love. For me, at its absolute basic level, love is an expression of value coupled with an act of will. That value, again at its most basic is seen in the fact that every person is made in the image and likeness of God, no better or no worse than another. It is that image I must respond to in a positive manner. That is love.
An example. Let’s say the person I despise most is Hillary Clinton. I don’t like her attitude, politics, history, arrogance, etc. Okay, I walking down the street in the rain, I turn a corner and there’s Hill laying on the ground with a broken ankle. I must (and would) stop, try to comfort her, get some medical attention for her, see her off in the ambulance, and be on my way. I don’t like her any more than before her accident, but I must respond to her as a child of the same Creator as I worship, and there for I choose to express compassion and assistance. I love her, I just don’t like her. ( I really don’t despise anyone, though I am not crazy about the Clintons)
 
I guess the first example that popped into my mind is one of those brave teachers who sacrificed their lives in a school shooting so that their children could escape. I can almost guarantee you that not all of those children were perfect little angles. Some of them were probably the bane of that teacher’s existence. The teacher, however, loved them as people, as students, as potential for life and good in the world, even if they didn’t like them personally.

Love is a choice and an action which transcends emotional feelings. The teacher chose to sacrifice himself or herself in protection of those children. That is loving without liking. Love is putting others before yourself and your own emotions.

This can be done in big ways like that teacher or small ways like working in a soup kitchen to feed the poor, even if some of those poor were extremely rude to you.
 
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joeybaggz said:
For me, at its absolute basic level, love is an expression of value coupled with an act of will. That value, again at its most basic is seen in the fact that every person is made in the image and likeness of God, no better or no worse than another. It is that image I must respond to in a positive manner. That is love.
An example. Let’s say the person I despise most is Hillary Clinton. I don’t like her attitude, politics, history, arrogance, etc. Okay, I walking down the street in the rain, I turn a corner and there’s Hill laying on the ground with a broken ankle. I must (and would) stop, try to comfort her, get some medical attention for her, see her off in the ambulance, and be on my way. I don’t like her any more than before her accident, but I must respond to her as a child of the same Creator as I worship, and there for I choose to express compassion and assistance. I love her, I just don’t like her. (
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I honestly think I can do what you’ve described. Replace her with someone I dislike in my workplace.
I see someone in need of help and act accordingly. it either comes from a sense of duty in emergency situations , where we go into “pragmatic mode” and forget personal issues. Or you obey your Christian instincts. The commandment to love your neighbour like the Good Samaritan.

Now what seems crucial to me is, is your attitude. Stoicism for example. Helping someone with grim stoicism is not ideal . Better than nothing of course. So stoicism is love?
And I have to ask myself how would I feel if I am the one being helped by a “known enemy”. ( I can nominate a family member here unfort.) Say I needed someone to drive me to the hospital and the only one I can ask is a family member, who I definitely don’t get along with. They drive me stoically to the hospital. Now I owe them a favour and they have the moral high ground. I would be depressed and wishing I never had to seek their assistance. So my family member is showing love to me?
 
thanks for providing that example. I would give you a similar answer that I gave joeybaggs.
 
C.S. Lews Love Thy Neighbor
C.S. Lewis Mere Christianity: This is the written text I referred to earlier, just a few sentences from the short article. Read the link in total and see if it helps you.
“For a good many people imagine that forgiving your enemies means making out that they are really not such bad fellows after all, when it is quite plain that they are. Go a step further. In my most clear-sighted moments not only do I not think myself a nice man, but I know that I am a very nasty one. I can look at some of the things I have done with horror and loathing. So apparently I am allowed to loathe and hate some of the things my enemies do. Now that I come to think of it, I remember Christian teachers telling me long ago that I must hate bad man’s actions, but not hate the bad man: or, as they would say, hate the sin but not the sinner. …”
 
Thanks. I vaguely remember reading that part of Mere Christianity too.
Just thought of an analogy. Not sure it is appropriate but here goes.
I both like and love my dog. He is cheerful funny and loyal and mostly obedient. When he is naughty, it is very easy for me to separate the behaviour from the dog himself. Maybe I love him even more, because I know it’s not personal. I mean he gets distracted and sometimes what distracts him is irresistible. I understand that. I can be naughty too.

But someone else’s dog’s behaviour would/might annoy me. I don’t have the same bond. I don’t know all their idiosyncrasies. I’m not close to them. it’s not mine. So same as a parent being forgiving of their own child’s behaviour. We make allowances for our own. We make allowances because they are part of us. it is like we have made them part of our own identity. So of course we love anyone who is part of us. Did I make myself clear? mmmm 🙂
 
I think I get it, I love dogs, especially mine. I don’t like dogs that are mean, bite, have killed, dogs that stink, are big and slobbery. But, I still love dogs. I wish them no harm. These dogs aren’t my cup of tea, but I still love dogs. I found it interesting that he brought in the example of the war, gestapo, poles and jews.
 
Dlee said:
I love dogs, especially mine.
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Familiarity then is a part of love.( but familiarity can also breed contempt) I have the potential to love more dogs as I get to know them and as I improve my skills in dealing with them.
And familiarity with God is even more important. getting to know God. Otherwise how can we love Him? We cant love who we don’t know.
 
There really is nothing my kids can do that will stop me from running into traffic to save them. And God knows that. I think His demand of our loving goes much harder than that, like in the Hitler example.
The truth is as much as I loathe my coworker…if she were to collapse in the office I would immediately help. That may be love but that’s still “easy”. (maybe because without me realizing it my prayers for her have this effect of it being easy)
But, I always imagine Jesus pushing me further into acting on love. For example, and quite frankly my mother in law pops up in my head frequently. I feel Jesus is reminding me she’s lonely and I should show more love. But I don’t pray for her so it’s very hard for me to act.
If I were to call her and invite her over it could be one of the greatest acts of love I ever commit before the cloud of witnesses (because of its difficulty level vs. my jumping in front of a train for my children).

And the only thing that would make me do that is love for God and I honestly haven’t done it yet.
Thanks for making me think about this topic.
 
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We fight NOT - against flesh and blood -
( but spirits and diabolical powers )
 
There are different types of love. This has been forgotten due to the English language.
 
ShowersofRoses said:
But about loving someone and not liking them very much, well…

as a parent I might feel like that several times a day!!
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yes, this sums up parenthood nicely lol! I feel this way also. Love is an action and I do love my kids. I provide for them and try to raise them correctly. However, they do grate on my nerves at times, especially my younger daughter. Sometimes personalities clash…she’s like my mom and I couldn’t really get along with my mom till I was an adult.
 
goodcatholic said:
thanks for providing that example. I would give you a similar answer that I gave joeybaggs.
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Those teachers giving their lives for their students was not stoicism I can assure you.

Your cynicism is guiding your interpretation. I can set aside my emotions of dislike for someone without taking on an indifferent attitude that requires me to somehow endure suffering as a stoic might.

Love is an action that transcends mere emotion. How do I do it? I call down the Holy Spirit to help me love my neighbor as God loves us.
 
Whenever you hear the exhortation to “love your neighbor as yourself,” it means to treat them as you would want to be treated, and don’t do things to them that you wouldn’t want them to do to you.
 
goodcatholic said:
Now what seems crucial to me is, is your attitude. Stoicism for example. Helping someone with grim stoicism is not ideal . Better than nothing of course. So stoicism is love?
And I have to ask myself how would I feel if I am the one being helped by a “known enemy”. ( I can nominate a family member here unfort.) Say I needed someone to drive me to the hospital and the only one I can ask is a family member, who I definitely don’t get along with. They drive me stoically to the hospital. Now I owe them a favour and they have the moral high ground. I would be depressed and wishing I never had to seek their assistance. So my family member is showing love to me?
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One can only control one’s own attitude. Your statement here sounds like you are playing a “one upsmanship” game. Equating love and obligation is an oxymoron.
 
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