I don't love

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Hi,

Scripture and the Church always talk about the necessity of love for salvation. We must love God and love our neighbors, our enemies, ourselves, etc. But I’m a 40 year old man and do not even understand love. I have never been in love with a woman. The closest thing I’ve had to love toward another person is the love I have for my parents. I understand and can feel other emotions like anger, fear, joy, etc. I feel those all the time.

I like some people. I like my family members and friends, but am indifferent towards the rest of humanity (please don’t take that personally.) The closest thing to an emotion of love I have is towards my dog and favorite sports teams. But obviously I would give up my dog’s life or season tickets to save a stranger’s life. But that’s not an emotion, it’s my duty.

So is love supposed to be an emotion with some kind of physical response as we get with anger or fear? Our Lord tells us we have to love God with all our hearts, all our minds, and all our souls. It’s the greatest commandment. But I don’t even understand how I can do that.

I attend Mass several times a week, confess monthly, pray daily. Any help?
 
You should consider supporting some association for pregnant mothers in need (i.e.) with volunteer work, even if you don’t have much time avaiable. Or any simillar thing.

I’ll pray for you.
 
Sorry, I forgot to mention that I do volunteer at a Catholic outreach center, and also at the local soup kitchen.

Thanks for your reply and prayers.
 
Dear 14er,

Some Bible verses from John, who is often referred to as “the disciple whom Jesus loved.”

“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” – John 14:15

“Greater love than this no man hath, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:13

While feelings are nice to have, true love goes beyond feelings.

God bless you,

~~ the phoenix
 
14er said:
Hi,

Scripture and the Church always talk about the necessity of love for salvation. We must love God and love our neighbors, our enemies, ourselves, etc. But I’m a 40 year old man and do not even understand love. I have never been in love with a woman. The closest thing I’ve had to love toward another person is the love I have for my parents. I understand and can feel other emotions like anger, fear, joy, etc. I feel those all the time.

I like some people. I like my family members and friends, but am indifferent towards the rest of humanity (please don’t take that personally.) The closest thing to an emotion of love I have is towards my dog and favorite sports teams. But obviously I would give up my dog’s life or season tickets to save a stranger’s life. But that’s not an emotion, it’s my duty.

So is love supposed to be an emotion with some kind of physical response as we get with anger or fear? Our Lord tells us we have to love God with all our hearts, all our minds, and all our souls. It’s the greatest commandment. But I don’t even understand how I can do that.

I attend Mass several times a week, confess monthly, pray daily. Any help?
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I’m with Phoenix. Love is a verb not a noun, and it is not confined to romantic love. The love of parents to children is a strong and legitimate love, so much that God himself uses (and created that) imagery in order that we might more fully understand his love for us. Your acts of charity show more love than any idle, “soft” feelings.
 
Love is not an emotion. It is an act of the will, to desire good for another, and to act charitably toward others. It really has very little to do with feelings (although “warm fuzzy” feelings sometimes encourage us to act charitably).
 
Sheed, Frank, Theology and Sanity, San Francisco, Ignatius Press, 1993, pp13-14.

"We must carefully separate love from its emotional accompiniment. Love will emerge the stronger for the disinction. Love is the highest and strongest act of the will. In relation to God, it means that the will has deliberately chosen God as the supreme value, by which all others must be measured. In relation to our neighbor, it means willing his good…love is not an emotion but can produce an emotion…" (my emphasis)

I too have struggled with the question you ask - doing things “right” praying, helping others, etc. out of a sense of duty and not feeling the emotions. The above insight from this Catholic philosopher was a God send.
 
St. Thomas Aquinas also mentions love as an act of the will in the Summa Theologia

“To love is indeed **an act of the will **tending to the good…”

“Its seat, in the human will. Although charity is at times intensely emotional, and frequently reacts on our sensory faculties, still it properly **resides in the rational will **a fact not to be forgotten by those who would make it an impossible virtue.”

“The expression “to love the neighbour for the sake of God” means that we rise above the consideration of mere natural solidarity and fellow-feeling to the higher view of our common Divine adoption and heavenly heritage…”

(my emphasis)

I hope this helps. It has helped me.
 
Sounds like an issue of trusting people to me. Have you discussed this issue with a psychiatrist? No disrespect meant. Just an option offered. :o
 
I too struggle with this. How can we love someone we don’t know. This applies to God and to others. So, I decided, if the greatest commandment is to love God first, I must do what I can to know Him. To make this my first priority. So I started reading, studying the Scriptures, praying ( though not as much as I should) and have been meaning to start going to daily mass. There’s a beautiful church just a few blocks from my office that has daily mass at noon. I choose to sit in my car and eat lunch or go out with others. I do recognize how much my faith has grown just from coming to understand the WHY of the things we believe as Catholics but I’m not doing much with it. Not that I see anyway and certainly not as much as you. Most of my love is in the form of trying to catechize 3 brothers that are still stuck on the “rules” of our faith.

I agree with the others. If we’re talking about REAL love which is loving as God loves, then you’re showing more love than most by your works of charity. I think it says even more that you do it without the emotional lift. I pray that I can learn to do things for God, first and foremost, and not for how it makes me look on the outside or just for how it makes me feel on the inside.
 
Hi,

I think I have been where you are, and what you are asking about. I agree with others that love is not always a feeling, but something we do for others. You seem to love God very much.
What I have found that has helped me go further in my relationship with God is to pray for His guidance, and ask Him to come into your heart. When you pray, talk to Him like you are talking to a dear friend . God will hear what you are asking, trust in Him.

I Corinthians 13: 4-7

4 Love is patience love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong doings.

6 Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

7 It always protects, always trusts always hope, always perseveres

Blessings
 
Wow, what great answers guys, i too feel the same at these.
Im almost 34 and have never had a real steady boyfriend, but i feel the urge to do charity work and help people when i can.
 
14er,

I think you’re being WAY too hard on yourself.

You said,
So is love supposed to be an emotion with some kind of physical response as we get with anger or fear?
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I say no. Love is not an emotion. Love is a choice. It is a choice to overcome sin by drinking from the chalice of your own human nature.

You sound like a person who does not underestimate his or her human nature. We should never overestimate our abilities to control this nature, always relying upon God for aid.

I don’t think it’s heretical to say that some people are naturally born more sinful than others. If you are one of those people, it’s not your fault. Such a nature can be used as an occasion of merit.

WOW! To acknowledge your nature the way you did really speaks for your maturity and humility. I respect that.

I cannot judge you based upon one post, so speaking only for myself, I was born with a horrifically sinful nature. I have an awful temper! And when I’m mad, I my nature suggests ways that I can be downright mean to the one who opposes me. You know–cleverly sarcastic and uncharitable comments, stuff like that. I try my best to ignore the little mean, horrific comments and thoughts that pop into my mind and want to come out of my mouth when I’m mad, but occasionally I slip. Then I feel guilty afterward.

Perfect love perfectly conquers sin. But you need to remember that we’re not perfect, well, at least not yet.

Don’t give up and don’t despair. I think you’re doing great.

I’ll leave you with the wise words of the stigmatist, Marthe Robin, who was beddridden and blind most of her life. (She’s a candidate for sainthood). She says, "All of life is a Calvary and every soul is a Gethsemane where all drink in silence the chalice of their own lives."

God Bless!

Mary Ann
 
14er:

You need to get a book by CS Lewis called “The Four Loves”, I think this one would really help you and pretty much solve your problem overnight (or as fast as you can read the book) and leave you with much peace.

I’ll sum it up for you to entice you to buy the book. 🙂

The word “love” in the English language is ambigious, it can mean a whole lot of things. So English isn’t the best language to use when speaking of “love” and instead we should use Greek, which was what the New Testament was written in. Greek has different words which refer to a different kind of love.

The first kind of love is storge, which refers to affection. This is the kind of affection you give your dog, and which your dog loves to give you. It’s also like the ‘coochie-coochie-coo’ kind of love you have for a little baby, or that you might have felt when your mother gave you a hug. This love is not unique to humans only, but is present in all kinds of social creatures.

The second kind is philia. Aristotle said that it means when you want what is best for someone. If your coworker is about to make a big mistake, and you tell him so he is not get in trouble with the boss, that is philia. This is what you referred to as doing your “duty”, but in the Biblical sense of the word this is real love! It’s just that our language is too limited for its own good.

The third kind is eros, which is actually really complicated but for the most part to most people refers to the love between a man and a woman. That’s where the word erotic comes from. However, this is not the same as lust, eros is a genuine love.

The fourth kind, finally, is agape which is a completely new, Christian kind of love. Agape is like philia in the sense that it wants the good for that person, but it consists more in sharing the love of God, that we express our love for God by sharing his life with other people. It is also selfless, and it is what Christ referred to when he said “greater love hath no man…” You really have to read the book, Lewis gives a better explanation than I ever could.

So to sum up my response, you don’t need to be guilty for not feeling emotional “love” because that’s not what the Bible is talking about. Philia and Agape are the loves of the Bible, although Eros has its part to play too, the Bible and most ancient works do not mention στοργή or Storge, because this is simply a modern fascination and I believe its real importance is far less than what pop culture makes it out to be.

Buy the book!
 
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