I don't remember my biological father, but I want to meet my relatives on his side

[Pontiac_2009]

I haven’t seen my biological father since I was just a baby. We were kept away from him because he sexually abused my older sibling. I don’t remember him at all, but I have wanted to meet his family (my aunts and uncles and cousins). I’m afraid, though, because his relatives probably still see him and I don’t want to meet him right now. I just want to meet my relatives on his side. I’m not ready to meet him. Knowing what he did has had a very big impact on me and my identity, and I’m afraid that if I see him it might make things worse for me psychologically (even though I don’t remember him). I should mention that I suffer from OCD and have high anxiety.

I actually found some of my relatives online (but I didn’t contact them, of course). I’m not sure what to say if I write to them. My sibling went to meet them after becoming older and said our cousins, uncles, and aunts were normal. I have no fears about meeting them, and I think it might even help me. I just don’t want them to tell my biological father before I see them. There is a need for me to see my relatives and know who they are. Do you think seeing them can help me?

 

[kristanl]

I think that seeing your relatives is something you want because they are part of you. Since your sister has already gone to visit them, are they understanding on why you have had no contact with them? If they do not believe your father abused your sister, then going to meet them would not be a good idea. Does he live in the same area as him? I just think you need to make it clear before going to meet them, that you are not interested in meeting your father now. You just want to meet them. You could send them a message over the internet, or your sister could even go with you and tell them that you are coming with her?
You could say something along the lines of: Dear _________ , meeting you has always been something on my mind. I think about you constantly, but I just did not know if I was ready to meet family on my dads side. I am more open about meeting you and the rest of the family now, I want to know you because you are part of me, and I think it will help me grow to get to know you. I do not want to meet my father at this time however, and if you can respect these wishes I would really like to meet with you.
Sincerly _______.

I dont know where they live or how you will get there, but thats something you will need to write in your note as well. Maybe even ask if you can talk through email, messenger service, or talk on the phone. If you have a cousin your age, maybe it will be best to talk to them first, or whoever your sister seems fond of.
hope this helps!

 

[Pontiac_2009]

I think that seeing your relatives is something you want because they are part of you. Since your sister has already gone to visit them, are they understanding on why you have had no contact with them? If they do not believe your father abused your sister, then going to meet them would not be a good idea. Does he live in the same area as him? I just think you need to make it clear before going to meet them, that you are not interested in meeting your father now. You just want to meet them. You could send them a message over the internet, or your sister could even go with you and tell them that you are coming with her?
You could say something along the lines of: Dear _________ , meeting you has always been something on my mind. I think about you constantly, but I just did not know if I was ready to meet family on my dads side. I am more open about meeting you and the rest of the family now, I want to know you because you are part of me, and I think it will help me grow to get to know you. I do not want to meet my father at this time however, and if you can respect these wishes I would really like to meet with you.
Sincerly _______.

I dont know where they live or how you will get there, but thats something you will need to write in your note as well. Maybe even ask if you can talk through email, messenger service, or talk on the phone. If you have a cousin your age, maybe it will be best to talk to them first, or whoever your sister seems fond of.
hope this helps!

Thank you

 

[SMHW]

I haven’t seen my biological father since I was just a baby. We were kept away from him because he sexually abused my older sibling.

Pontiac, you don’t say how old you are. If you are under age 18 then I suggest you wait until you are at least 18 to contact these relatives. I’m assuming it was your mother who has been protecting you by keeping you away from your biological father. If you are 18 then by all means see what you can find out about these relatives. But at some point you are probably going to have to reassure your mother that you are grateful that she kept you away from your father.

I actually found some of my relatives online (but I didn’t contact them, of course). I’m not sure what to say if I write to them. My sibling went to meet them after becoming older and said our cousins, uncles, and aunts were normal. I have no fears about meeting them, and I think it might even help me. I just don’t want them to tell my biological father before I see them. There is a need for me to see my relatives and know who they are. Do you think seeing them can help me?

Do you know from your sibling if these relatives know about and approve of you being away from your father? I would not think it would be good for you to see relatives who were bitter because your father did not get to see you all these years. But if these relatives do understand then maybe it would help you to see some blood relatives. Just understand that these people are strangers and nothing magical is likely to happen that will help you with your problems.

 

[Pontiac_2009]

Pontiac, you don’t say how old you are. If you are under age 18 then I suggest you wait until you are at least 18 to contact these relatives. I’m assuming it was your mother who has been protecting you by keeping you away from your biological father. If you are 18 then by all means see what you can find out about these relatives. But at some point you are probably going to have to reassure your mother that you are grateful that she kept you away from your father.

Yes, I’m an adult. Sorry I didn’t clarify. You are right about me needing to reassure her. I’m very grateful to her.

Do you know from your sibling if these relatives know about and approve of you being away from your father? I would not think it would be good for you to see relatives who were bitter because your father did not get to see you all these years. But if these relatives do understand then maybe it would help you to see some blood relatives. Just understand that these people are strangers and nothing magical is likely to happen that will help you with your problems.

That’s what I’m thinking too. I was told that none of our uncles, aunts, or cousins seemed bitter during the visit. I don’t even know if they even discussed the past. Thank you for your advice.