I don't think I can do this

[SpidersfromMars]

Your husband isn’t threatning your life or your kids’ which would be completely understandable to separate them.
And yes, there’s trustworthy scientific evidence that kids are better off with both parents, even if they fight or their love is dead and don’t have physical intimacy. I personally know two marriages where now their adult kids are really thankful their parents didn’t divorced and remain faithful despite the pain and fights. One of them decided to live in separate rooms, but still raised together the kids and all that. That’s the fix it mentallity. Know also other marriages that did divorced years ago and those kids still have pain in their hearts and a lot of troubles.
Because the kid’s state can’t be erased, divorced or not, those kids are sons and daughter, have a mother and a father and it’s you both and they need you both.

“even if they fight”- well that depends on how bad the fighting is. If there’s horrible screaming, name-calling, physical violence - I think it’s doing children a grave disservice to have to live around that, and frankly I think anyone who says otherwise must have a few issues of their own.

Also do you really think it’s fair for one person (like the OP) to be brought to the verge of a mental breakdown, because their spouse is causing them more stress rather than helping? The children can still see both their parents if they live apart.

I do think that many couples give up on their marriage very easily (all those 18-month marriages in Hollywood, for example) but at the same time I think it’s a bit unfair to say that you should only ever get divorced if you’re in actual fear of your life. Abuse can be a lot more subtle than that.

 

[DJgang]

The man was just told days ago that his unborn child may be aborted. Maybe he’s going through some emotions too as well. Just saying. That’s very traumatizing I would think. Give him a few days to recoup. Go to church, give each other hugs and say I love you. It can do wonders.

 

[Et_Cetera]

As a man, these are my thoughts. Honestly, there isn’t much you can do, and what you can do is unlikely to cause any immediate, miracle changes.

But there are some things you can do…some directions that you can go in. But you will need perseverance.

**First, you can stop calling his fits of rage “man tantrums”. It isn’t doing anything to help. To respect someone means honoring the integrity of his person: honoring his time, his space, his purposes. When you respect someone, you understand that they are not there for your own use, to be sent this way or that at your whim.

Secondly, don’t nag him. When women get really upset with their husbands they have a tendency to let it all out on them all the time. There is a place for honest discussion…but don’t nag. It won’t help.
**
Third, try not to get too emotional, even though it may be hard. Men often don’t know how to handle overly emotional women, because it becomes a barrier to communication. It will only increase the anxiety of you both.

As for him…if he has honest addictions, he needs professional help. As you said, he may not be willing to seek such help. There is not much you can do there. But maybe by discussing it with him you might be able to change his mind.

**If he is physically abusive, you need to get yourself and your children away.

If he is not abusive but just generally being a curmudgeon, not taking care of his responsibilities, then maybe separating for a period of time might help but don’t be quick to go that route.**

The problem has to be resolved: he can’t keep doing what he’s doing, and no you can’t just ignore it to let it keep going on. You have to do something about it. But only go to separation as a last resort. In the meantime, try to express to him as calmly and as simply as you can what your real, most important, needs are. Tell him that you need him to love you.

Your objective is to try to awaken in him the awareness of what his family needs from him. And, of course, always pray for him.

There’s no easy answer, and it is going to be hard. But, “for God all things are possible”.

Can everyone please stop blaming this victim? If even in your mind she is doing tiny things wrong, please look at the big picture of her life right now. She does not deserve to be living this way. I’m sorry, but there is a lot of misogyny in your post. “Women tend to nag and get emotional.” Come on, man. Uhh…she should be doing a lot more than nagging him. Maybe you missed the part about the little trip to Miami and how he ignores the kids. And who in the hell wouldn’t be emotional about her current state? I’m not going to be overly harsh on you because I don’t think that you meant for it to come off this way. I feel like a lot of people here don’t feel like this woman deserves to be happy. Separation shouldn’t only be her last resort if she’s truly this unhappy. Sorry, the husband has consistently blown his chances. He sounds selfish, immature, and disinterested in his family.

Also, if he isn’t physically abusive, then it sounds like he is at least mentally abusive. And that’s not something that anyone should ever have to contend with.

Again, I think you were trying be helpful with your post, but this poor woman doesn’t need more people to make her feel bad about wanting to get out of a bad situation. It sounds like she’s had enough.

 

[Et_Cetera]

“even if they fight”- well that depends on how bad the fighting is. If there’s horrible screaming, name-calling, physical violence - I think it’s doing children a grave disservice to have to live around that, and frankly I think anyone who says otherwise must have a few issues of their own.

**Also do you really think it’s fair for one person (like the OP) to be brought to the verge of a mental breakdown, because their spouse is causing them more stress rather than helping? The children can still see both their parents if they live apart.

I do think that many couples give up on their marriage very easily (all those 18-month marriages in Hollywood, for example) but at the same time I think it’s a bit unfair to say that you should only ever get divorced if you’re in actual fear of your life. Abuse can be a lot more subtle than that.**

Thank you, thank you. We need more posts like this that show compassion for the struggles of the OP. Women should not be encouraged to stay in abusive situations–whether they are physical or mental.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Can everyone please stop blaming this victim? If even in your mind she is doing tiny things wrong, please look at the big picture of her life right now. She does not deserve to be living this way. I’m sorry, but there is a lot of misogyny in your post. “Women tend to nag and get emotional.” Come on, man. Uhh…she should be doing a lot more than nagging him. Maybe you missed the part about the little trip to Miami and how he ignores the kids. And who in the hell wouldn’t be emotional about her current state? I’m not going to be overly harsh on you because I don’t think that you meant for it to come off this way. I feel like a lot of people here don’t feel like this woman deserves to be happy. Separation shouldn’t only be her last resort if she’s truly this unhappy. Sorry, the husband has consistently blown his chances. He sounds selfish, immature, and disinterested in his family.
**
Also, if he isn’t physically abusive, then it sounds like he is at least mentally abusive. **And that’s not something that anyone should ever have to contend with.

Again, I think you were trying be helpful with your post, but this poor woman doesn’t need more people to make her feel bad about wanting to get out of a bad situation. It sounds like she’s had enough.

Yeah that’s what I was saying in my post too. There’s more than one way to be abusive. These days the concept of ‘financial abuse’ is also recognised, where one person withholds money from the non-working spouse and/or spends it inappropriately. That could also be the case here.

Edit: Ha, you beat me to it.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I tell him this all the time. It seems to go in one ear and out the other. Things are okay when he is gone, honestly. The only thing I need to work on is being okay alone with my anxiety.

Have you considered benzodiazepines like Xanax? A small dosage like 0.25 mg might help you to see more clearly. They can honestly work wonders when you’re going through a really stressful time. There is no shame in taking some medication for help. That’s why we have them. I would caution against hastily starting something like an SSRI though. You make more of a commitment with them. Seriously, talk to your doctor.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Have you considered benzodiazepines like Xanax? A small dosage like 0.25 mg might help you to see more clearly. They can honestly work wonders when you’re going through a really stressful time. There is no shame in taking some medication for help. That’s why we have them. I would caution against hastily starting something like an SSRI though. You make more of a commitment with them. Seriously, talk to your doctor.

Xanax can be harmful to a fetus though

 

[oneplustwo]

Et Cetera,

It sounds like you are encouraging OP to think about herself over her children and her husband. But a marriage is a commitment both to society and to family. To simply walk away is not going to be the best thing for her or for her family, except in the most extreme circumstances.

You talk about happiness. True happiness is found in our ultimate union with God in heaven. Pursuing that with all perseverance is the most prudent thing to do. There is no promise that doing so will always make us feel the happiest, or that it will be easy. Usually it is hard, and this can even be beneficial for us…chances for us to prove our commitment to our Lord.

You offer easy fixes, but the road is wide that leads to destruction…the situation is more complicated than you would make it out to be.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Xanax can be harmful to a fetus though

Yeah, there is some evidence of risk, so she should likely wait until after the birth. But I think it will eventually be a good option.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Et Cetera,

It sounds like you are encouraging OP to think about herself over her children and her husband. But a marriage is a commitment both to society and to family. To simply walk away is not going to be the best thing for her or for her family, except in the most extreme circumstances.

You talk about happiness. True happiness is found in our ultimate union with God in heaven. Pursuing that with all perseverance is the most prudent thing to do. There is no promise that doing so will always make us feel the happiest, or that it will be easy. Usually it is hard, and this can even be beneficial for us…chances for us to prove our commitment to our Lord.

You offer easy fixes, but the road is wide that leads to destruction…the situation is more complicated than you would make it out to be.

I am encouraging her to think about herself and her own happiness, you’re correct on that. She isn’t just some pawn for her husband and children. I think we have differing opinions on happiness and her obligations toward marriage and society. Also, I think she will be happier without her husband bringing her down, and as a happy person, I think she will be a better mother.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Et Cetera,

It sounds like you are encouraging OP to think about herself over her children and her husband. But a marriage is a commitment both to society and to family. To simply walk away is not going to be the best thing for her or for her family, except in the most extreme circumstances.

You talk about happiness. True happiness is found in our ultimate union with God in heaven. Pursuing that with all perseverance is the most prudent thing to do. There is no promise that doing so will always make us feel the happiest, or that it will be easy. Usually it is hard, and this can even be beneficial for us…chances for us to prove our commitment to our Lord.

You offer easy fixes, but the road is wide that leads to destruction…the situation is more complicated than you would make it out to be.

So you’re saying that someone doesn’t love God unless they stay in an unhappy/abusive marriage?

 

[oneplustwo]

I’m sorry, but there is a lot of misogyny in your post.

Et Cetera, I take serious issue with being accused of misogyny. There is nothing of the kind in my post.

 

[Et_Cetera]

So you’re saying that someone doesn’t love God unless they stay in an unhappy/abusive marriage?

It kind of sounds like it, and sadly this is the kind of thinking that causes religion to make people get trapped in unhappy cycles.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Et Cetera, I take serious issue with being accused of misogyny. There is nothing of the kind in my post.

Well, then we probably have differing opinions, but you played into and perpetuated a common stereotype of women as “nagging and overly emotional.” There are various spectrums by which we measure these (mostly) sociological terms. While one professor might agree with me, another might be on the other end of the spectrum and look more at things like overall tone. But I am sensitive to these issues, so that’s where my opinion would lie. Yes, there are some issues of semantics in this discussion now:

1. You made a blanket statement about women. “They tend to nag.”
2. The blanket statement was negative.

In many circles (possibly more academic) this would be considered as misogynistic. It doesn’t mean that you hate women or that you mistreat them. In your case, I think it’s likely that you’ve internalized many of these stereotypes from society as a whole, in which case the blame must also be put on society. And I do believe that society is very much to blame for perpetuating stereotypes, whether they be racial, gender specific, etc.

Really, I see quite a bit of misogyny in this thread as a whole. This woman’s autonomy seems to be consistently undermined and downplayed, as she is time and again told that she should put more effort into making the marriage work and in raising this unwanted child. I believe that this overall tone is largely a product of a society that still views women as subjugate and feels it easier to blame them for family mishaps. I do take issue with the people in this thread who seem to feel that she should remain trapped in an unhappy life when there are options for her happiness. She has tried to make things work; she is strong person who has struggled for far too long. As compassionate beings, we should encourage her to find a route that will lead to her happiness and to removing bitter, negative people (the husband in this case) from her life.

 

[Baby_Bach]

TSB4,

I see people on here consistently telling you to keep going through this, to keep working on the marriage and to keep the baby, but they don’t know your struggle. When anxiety disorders are added to these kinds of mixes, life can really seem unbearable. It sounds like you have already gone through so much more than you ever should have dealt with. Remember that you are not just a wife or a mother, you are your own person too. You, as your own autonomous figure, deserve happiness.

I wish you the best of luck. Sometimes you have to just step out of a bad situation.

Yes, she DOES struggle. But she also says she wants to be LOVED by her husband, so why are you telling her to just leave him, yes of course, every person deserves happiness, but that doesnt mean you throw every thing out the window to please yourself, that is selfish and she wants to make this work, and needs encouragement to get thru this. She came here for help, to save her marriage and family. And YES she does have a certain obligation to stay, Marriage is meant for life! In extreme cases of course like physical abuse, there is no reason to be forced to live like that… but “What God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

 

[oneplustwo]

So you’re saying that someone doesn’t love God unless they stay in an unhappy/abusive marriage?

No, that is a logic error. First, there is no mention of an abusive marriage here. Secondly, one is not limited to remaining in an unhappy marriage in order to show love for God. There are much better ways to show love for God…for example, doing one’s duty, accepting one’s responsibilities, and loving one’s spouse.

I realize the OP is having significant difficulties. That has to be addressed. But the answer should not be for them to separate so quickly, especially for such light reasons as some on this thread are suggesting.

It seems to me that the OP is being tempted by some here to abandon responsibility and give into the quick and the easy. The situation is more complicated, and these temptations are not honoring that.

 

[oneplustwo]

Yes, she DOES struggle. But she also says she wants to be LOVED by her husband, so why are you telling her to just leave him, yes of course, every person deserves happiness, but that doesnt mean you throw every thing out the window to please yourself, that is selfish and she wants to make this work, and needs encouragement to get thru this. She came here for help, to save her marriage and family. And YES she does have a certain obligation to stay, Marriage is meant for life! In extreme cases of course like physical abuse, there is no reason to be forced to live like that… but “What God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Yes, she DOES struggle. But she also says she wants to be LOVED by her husband, so why are you telling her to just leave him, yes of course, every person deserves happiness, but that doesnt mean you throw every thing out the window to please yourself, that is selfish and she wants to make this work, and needs encouragement to get thru this. She came here for help, to save her marriage and family. And YES she does have a certain obligation to stay, Marriage is meant for life! In extreme cases of course like physical abuse, there is no reason to be forced to live like that… but “What God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

Again we see this notion that physical abuse is the only kind that ‘counts’.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m hoping that the OP’s husband comes around and they work things out. That would be the best thing for the family. However, if this doesn’t happen, she shouldn’t feel obligated to stay in a bad situation.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Yes, she DOES struggle. But she also says she wants to be LOVED by her husband, so why are you telling her to just leave him, yes of course, every person deserves happiness, but that doesnt mean you throw every thing out the window to please yourself, that is selfish and she wants to make this work, and needs encouragement to get thru this. She came here for help, to save her marriage and family. And YES she does have a certain obligation to stay, Marriage is meant for life! In extreme cases of course like physical abuse, there is no reason to be forced to live like that… but “What God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

For the love of God, you better not call this woman selfish for wanting to improve her life. It’s not like she’s harming others in order to make money to buy 5 German cars. (That would be selfish.) No she does not have an obligation to stay with someone who treats her like garbage, makes her miserable, goes into rages, wastes money, leaves her during a breakdown, and who is at least mentally abusive if not physically. This kind of rhetoric is what leads to continuous cycles of abuse. If you marry someone and they change on you and treat you poorly, you have no obligation whatsoever to remain miserable, and anyone who thinks so must seriously not have a proper level of human compassion. You do realize that she is a human being with feelings, right?

 

[Et_Cetera]

Again we see this notion that physical abuse is the only kind that ‘counts’.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m hoping that the OP’s husband comes around and they work things out. That would be the best thing for the family. However, if this doesn’t happen, she shouldn’t feel obligated to stay in a bad situation.

This is probably the best post I’ll see tonight, so I think I might have to head to bed. Keep fighting the good fight.