I don't think I can do this

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TSB4

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I recently found out im pregnant and I was not happy about it. My husband and I have 4 kids and we aren’t prepared for another. Every day since I’ve found out I have been depressed. I have tried to force myself to be happy but I cannot. I honestly do not think I can handle another child. I know abortion isn’t an option, I’m considering adopting the baby out. I would like to do this but with our last unplanned pregnancy, my husband refused and so I couldn’t go through with it. Any advice on breaking the news to my husband or getting him to understand placing the baby? I feel alone, I cannot talk to anyone in real life about this because I will get the same reaction of negativity. Or people telling me I should just handle it now while it’s still early. I heard the heartbeat two days ago, I can’t bring myself to aborting this baby.

Any advice. Thank you.
 
How is your family support and your local social support? Do you have friends or relatives who could come over and give you support? Also, if you tell your husband about the pregnancy, make sure and ask for his support. Ask him to do concrete stuff for you. Also, talk to your doctor and ask to be evaluated for depression. Also, talk to your pastor and ask for leads for help. If you had a college student or an older high school student come over for a couple hours a day, I think you would find life much more manageable.

One option I would suggest to you is to remember that you always have the option of placing your baby temporarily in foster care if you are totally overwhelmed. If your husband says no, what is he going to do–stay home from work with the baby? Once the baby is born, take it one day at a time. If it all gets to be too much, you can always call child protective services on yourself and ask for a temporary foster care placement. Just have the number handy at all times so that if it ever gets to be too much, you can call. If your husband doesn’t like it, that’s too bad–you need help, and if neither he nor anybody else you know is able to help you, you need to go where you can find it.

Normally, I wouldn’t suggest that anybody have any unnecessary dealings with Child Protective Services, but any time that you are seriously considering adopting out your fifth child, that definitely should be one of the options.
 
Please contact your local Catholic Charities for counseling related to placing your child for adoption vs parenting. They can refer for your depression issues, which should be dealt with first before you consider your long term decision.
 
I don’t understand why everyone automatically assumes in depressed because I’m overwhelmed. Is it that hard to believe I have no help? With 4 little ones… I just don’t see having a fifth child as a good thing. I wouldn’t mind if t situation were better, but it isn’t. If I were so depressed and out of it, I would have terminated this pregnancy. I’m trying to think rationally. The only mental issue I have is anxiety and panic attacks. I do not have depression. I am overwhelmed.
 
TSB4 said:
I don’t understand why everyone automatically assumes in depressed because I’m overwhelmed. Is it that hard to believe I have no help? With 4 little ones… I just don’t see having a fifth child as a good thing. I wouldn’t mind if t situation were better, but it isn’t. If I were so depressed and out of it, I would have terminated this pregnancy. I’m trying to think rationally. The only mental issue I have is anxiety and panic attacks. I do not have depression. I am overwhelmed.
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You said you were depressed. Maybe it would help if you could be more specific as to why this new baby is not good news? Otherwise everyone who answers you here is going to make assumptions that may not be correct,
 
TSB4 said:
I recently found out im pregnant and I was not happy about it. My husband and I have 4 kids and we aren’t prepared for another. Every day since I’ve found out I have been depressed. I have tried to force myself to be happy but I cannot. I honestly do not think I can handle another child. I know abortion isn’t an option, I’m considering adopting the baby out. I would like to do this but with our last unplanned pregnancy, my husband refused and so I couldn’t go through with it. Any advice on breaking the news to my husband or getting him to understand placing the baby? I feel alone, I cannot talk to anyone in real life about this because I will get the same reaction of negativity. Or people telling me I should just handle it now while it’s still early. I heard the heartbeat two days ago, I can’t bring myself to aborting this baby.

Any advice. Thank you.
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I just wish I could reach through this computer screen and give you a hug :console:

Now…Don’t take anything I say as Gospel, because I clearly do not know your situation. I think you are wise throwing the abortion idea out of the window straight away, as even if you do decide to give up the child there are countless couples who would love to adopt a baby as their own.

Secondly…Don’t do anything rash! I would seek out your relatives, perhaps if you share your concerns about raising the child they may offer to help. You’re a family after all, and a family works to support one another.

Think carefully and pray, you have a few months to come to a decision and in time the best option will become clear.

I wish you all the best, I pray that this goes as well as it can for you and your children. God bless
 
TSB4 said:
I don’t understand why everyone automatically assumes in depressed because I’m overwhelmed.
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No one assumed you were depressed. You said you were depressed in your original post.

Regardless, I encourage you to contact Catholic Charities. This is what they do-- adoption services is one of their specialties and they have objective, well trained people who can help you make a plan.
 
That was not the correct word for me to use and I apologize. Everyday since I’ve found out I have been upset.

The main reason why I feel this baby isn’t a good idea is because I’m overwhelmed and I feel like I’m doing it all on my own as it is. My husband doesn’t help. I haven’t been feeling well sice I’ve been pregnant which isn’t helping my mood any. I’ve been very irritable. Also, our finances aren’t the best. We had to pull my daughter from gymnastics because it was getting too expensive. My husband went from making almost 6 figures, to unemployment. His industry of work is completely dead and he’s been really stressed. Trying to start his own business so he’s really busy physically and mentally. He’s use to being the provider. We don’t own our home yet, and I don’t see it happening anytime soon now. It’s just a trying time for us all. I’m trying to draw closer to The Lord but I find myself questioning why. Why now?
 
To add, because of our finances, we have been on food stamps through our state. We lost our private health insurance so now myself and the kids have Medicaid. I feel like a statistic bringing a child when we have these supplemental programs. I’m ashamed we even need them. It’s all just taking a toll…
 
I would talk to someone about placing the baby for adoption, or seeing if some people from the community can come over and help. Open adoptions are nice because then you can still visit your kid, and the adoptive parents are like extended family. You might be just fine raising another child, too, you just feel overwhelmed at the moment. Something to talk with a counselor about. Just take it one day at a time. No need to make up your mind yet as it’s still early in the pregnancy.
 
I am so sorry for your struggles, TSB4.

I was going to recommend applying for help with the government programs, but I can see that you have done that.

Please don’t feel ashamed for doing so. There is no shame in it. That is what these programs are for, for when any of us need to make use of them.

Also, have you applied for help from the WIC program–Women, Infant and Children? It is through the USDA, if you are not familiar with it. It also provides supplemental nutrition for you and your young children.

There are also other community resources if you need help, too, like food pantries, The St. Vincent De Paul Society, Catholic Charities, etc.

Prayers for you and your family during this difficult financial time for you. ((Hugs))
 
If you have anxiety and panic attacks, and you are overwhelmed in your life. *it is not surprising that you feel overwhelmed! *But you do need to do something about it.

Now is not the time to make the decision about the future of your child. First you must deal with the underlying situation which is causing you to feel so overwhelmed that you do not see yourself as able to handle another child.

Since you also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, it might be a good idea for you to see someone as a counselor, whether a professional or a priest or some other trusted person. You need help not only with how to handle the practical matters in your life but also the psychological issues which may be worsening your ability to deal with your life.

If you seek professional help, a cognitive behavioral counselor usually strives for quick results rather than drawn-out counseling and medication.

Again, SAH mothers have little support and few role models in today’s society, so it is not surprising that many feel overwhelmed. I hope you will be able to find the help and support you need.
 
TSB4 said:
I recently found out im pregnant and I was not happy about it. My husband and I have 4 kids and we aren’t prepared for another. Every day since I’ve found out I have been depressed. I have tried to force myself to be happy but I cannot. I honestly do not think I can handle another child. I know abortion isn’t an option, I’m considering adopting the baby out. I would like to do this but with our last unplanned pregnancy, my husband refused and so I couldn’t go through with it. Any advice on breaking the news to my husband or getting him to understand placing the baby? I feel alone, I cannot talk to anyone in real life about this because I will get the same reaction of negativity. Or people telling me I should just handle it now while it’s still early. I heard the heartbeat two days ago, I can’t bring myself to aborting this baby.

Any advice. Thank you.
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For what it’s worth, I understand. If it were me I would definitely find a time to discuss it with my husband and if he objects, ask him what alternative he has. Since you are overwhelmed with four children there are many childless Catholic families who would welcome the babe. I think that it would be a loving thing to do but then that’s just my opinion.

Annie
 
I understand. You were already having a lot of difficulties and now the expectation of another child is adding another layer of stress to everything.
Please let your husband know your feelings, but understand he is under pressure now too. Pray together for the future of your baby. An adoption plan can be a lovng option for some people, but remember this is a permanent solution to a perhaps a temporary problem.
I will be praying too for your family.
 
My husband will never agree to adoption. It’s illegal to proceed without his consent. I feel stuck, irresponsible and deeply sad. Deeply.
 
TSB4 said:
To add, because of our finances, we have been on food stamps through our state. We lost our private health insurance so now myself and the kids have Medicaid. I feel like a statistic bringing a child when we have these supplemental programs. I’m ashamed we even need them. It’s all just taking a toll…
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I took so long writing my previous post that I didn’t see this before I posted it.

I had a friend several years ago who also needed to get government help, but she too was concerned about it. But her situation and yours are precisely the reason these programs were set up.

Here is a link to part 3 of Introduction to the Devout Life by St Francis de Sales, in which he says:
Be patient, not only with respect to the main trials which beset you, but also under the accidental and accessory annoyances which arise out of them. We often find people who imagine themselves ready to accept a trial in itself who are impatient of its consequences. We hear one man say, “I should not mind poverty, were it not that I am unable to bring up my children and receive my friends as handsomely as I desire.” And another says, “I should not mind, were it not that the world will suppose it is my own fault;” while another would patiently bear to be the subject of slander provided nobody believed it. Others, again, accept one side of a trouble but fret against the rest–as, for instance, believing themselves to be patient under sickness, only fretting against their inability to obtain the best advice, or at the inconvenience they are to their friends. But, dear child, be sure that we must patiently accept, not sickness only, but such sickness as God chooses to send, in the place, among the people, and subject to the circumstances which He ordains;–and so with all other troubles. If any trouble comes upon you, use the remedies with which God supplies you. Not to do this is to tempt Him; but having done so, wait whatever result He wills with perfect resignation. If He pleases to let the evil be remedied, thank Him humbly; but if it be His will that the evil grow greater than the remedies, patiently bless His Holy Name.

If you can talk with a good priest who can help you with the spiritual side of the troubles you are going through, then you will be able to get even more help from God to help you through.
 
TSB4 said:
My husband will never agree to adoption. It’s illegal to proceed without his consent. I feel stuck, irresponsible and deeply sad. Deeply.
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There is no reason for you to feel irresponsible–that is how the world sees things. Instead, you are being blessed by God with a child.

You are concerned with the future, but so much will change between now and the birth of your wonderful child! So instead you need to consider *today, *which is your actual reality.
 
What is your husband saying about this pregnancy? All we have heard so far is how you feel and how he won’ t accept adoption.
 
TSB4 said:
I recently found out im pregnant and I was not happy about it. My husband and I have 4 kids and we aren’t prepared for another. Every day since I’ve found out I have been depressed. I have tried to force myself to be happy but I cannot. I honestly do not think I can handle another child. I know abortion isn’t an option, I’m considering adopting the baby out. I would like to do this but with our last unplanned pregnancy, my husband refused and so I couldn’t go through with it. Any advice on breaking the news to my husband or getting him to understand placing the baby? I feel alone, I cannot talk to anyone in real life about this because I will get the same reaction of negativity. Or people telling me I should just handle it now while it’s still early. I heard the heartbeat two days ago, I can’t bring myself to aborting this baby.

Any advice. Thank you.
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If you are a Christian than of course abortion isn’t an option. Only a monster chooses abortion. You should seek out the support options you have in your community. Adoption is always a choice. But it’s not always the right choice. Pray about it. My suggestion would be with a Priest (someone who actually knows what he is talking about when talking about God). God gave you this child for a reason. Every child, no matter the circumstances, is a blessing from God. I will pray for you as you come to terms with your blessing of a pregnancy and I pray you find the right support groups to help you bring this child of God into the world.
 
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