I don't think I can do this

[St_Francis]

I understand, but, I don’t have order in my home. My kids don’t follow directions and they constantly misbehave. I find myself always yelling and with everything else going on, I understand why people would view this as irresponsible.

Yes, this is very difficult. We had a regular cycle where we would all focus on behavior and get into shape, but then things would fall apart and be chaotic again. It’s a mess requiring constant diligence.

I still suggest counseling, but from what you’ve said, it sounds like when things are going well for your family financially, stress is low and you and your husband are happy together and work together better.

But now, finances are bad, stress is high, your hisband and you are not pulling together, your children are feeling the stress and acting out, and you are under stress and unable to handle them.

And this is not uncommon; many others are in your same situation.

The money situation you yourself can probably do only one thing about, and that is to pray.

How to help your husband and be supportive of him is hard for us to suggest since we know little about him, but if he is Catholic, maybe he would join you and your children in praying novenas for success in his work?

If you can get away from “not paying attention to your husband,” it may draw him back into paying attention to you. If you can get a book about the 5 “love languages,” which may be at your library or you can get it through inter-library loan, that may help you find a way to do this.

And the one thing you can focus on with good effect and that is the discipline of your children. Pick some small punishment, like push-ups, time-outs *in your presence *(not in their rooms), and apply them early in a situation and consistently. Expect them to test your resolve on this at first, and then again after a couple of weeks. Also, take them out and play with them, watch silly movies and laugh with them, and that sort of thing.I know that is really hard when things are crazy, but it is actually very helpful to you all’s relationship.

(If you are not already doing so, in a couple or a few weeks start working on praying with them.)

On each of these, you can ask for additional advice in a new thread, which will get the most responses.

Pray, and focus on the moment you are in rather than the moments you can’t do anything about, and I will pray for you.

 

[St_Francis]

PS This has helped me a lot: every time I start worrying about something, I pray about it *instead. *If I start worrying about it after finishing that prayer, I pray again. I just keep praying until I stop worrying.

 

[TSB4]

PS This has helped me a lot: every time I start worrying about something, I pray about it *instead. *If I start worrying about it after finishing that prayer, I pray again. I just keep praying until I stop worrying.

I have been finding it very hard to pray these days. I feel my faith slipping away and it was very thin to begin with. I’m constantly stressed no matter what I do. My kids give me such a hard time day in and day out, I dread dealing with them. Especially taking them out into public. It’s bad that I feel this way, I love them more than anything but I’m at my breaking point with their behavior. Along with the ****** hand we are being dealt right now. It’s all just too much.

 

[Xantippe]

TSB4 said:

“My kids give me such a hard time day in and day out, I dread dealing with them. Especially
taking them out into public.”

I wonder about that statement, especially the part about taking them out in public. I strongly suspect that either 1) they aren’t as bad as you think (our kids always sound louder to us–I’ve occasionally been complimented on my kids’ behavior when I thought they were being terrible) or maybe 2) there might be a behavioral issue requiring professional help. Have your older children’s teachers had any complaints? Do they think that your older children need to be evaluated? Your older two children are at an age where you can start expecting help and obedience. There’s still going to be some lawyering and quibbling and whining even under the best of circumstances, but it is reasonable to expect that your older two can start lightening your load. However, be sure that your standards aren’t unreasonable (I believe you said something about OCD?).

I like the book Transforming the Difficult Child and I think you would probably find it very helpful.

With my kids, I try to remember to enforce quid pro quo. For instance, if the kids want something, I need to remember to ask them to do something for me.

Example:

C: Can I play Minecraft?

me: Have you put away 20 clothing items yet? (That’s their daily quota–a pair of socks counts for 2.)

Example:

D: Can I watch Phineas and Ferb?

me: Clean up the living room first. (Alternately, play with the baby for 15 minutes, do 15 minutes on the elliptical machine, make yourself a snack, make yourself lunch, do your homework, pick up 20 items from your bedroom floor, clean your bathroom, etc.)

Also, think about which places the kids want to go and be prepared to tell them stuff like, “We are going to leave for Noah’s birthday party after you kids finish your homework.” Warn them well in advance, of course.

Think hard about your chores and which of them need to be turned over to the children. Try this first when your husband is home (warning him in advance that you need him to back you up) and have him back you up and make it stick.

You may find a kitchen timer very useful.

 

[holyrood]

TSB, I very much know how you feel. I’ve been there. I have 9 children, and getting pregnant with my 6th, I felt very much as you are describing. I was worn out the entire pregnancy. I would sleep on the couch all day, get up five minutes before I had to teach a music lesson, toss the blanket in the bedroom, put on a smile, teach, and the second my student was gone, collapse on the couch again.

I was struggling with society’s condemnation of big families, the realization that I could no longer deny I was One of Those People, struggling with the fact that I apparently couldn’t use NFP right to save my life…and of course I already had five other children ages 9 and down. Our finances were okay, but my husband’s main contribution to household functions was to turn on the television. He also had a tendency not to come home for hours after work, with no clue as to where he was. My own “Catholic” parents had already shown their disapproval when I’d told them I was pregnant with the fifth, so I didn’t even tell them until just weeks before the sixth was born.

I spent that entire pregnancy hating being pregnant, very much not wanting another child, and knowing that had I been liberal, I may well have had an abortion, I was that upset about being pregnant.

Funny thing is…I felt that way right up until I was in the delivery room. As he was being born, everything changed in a heartbeat. My whole attitude changed. My feelings changed. I fell in love with him. He’s now in his early teens, and I often think I’m guilty of loving him ‘more’ than the others.

Your husband is right. Things change. Things won’t always be as they are now. Sometimes they’ll get better. They may get harder for a time. They may get fantastic.

But please hang onto hope and trust that things will change and get better.

And having had not only a houseful of young children like you do, but later twins, one thing I learned was to let go of too-high expectations. I don’t know anything about you, of course, but I know for myself what helped was finally realizing my only job that really matters is taking care of my children. If the house isn’t perfect, it doesn’t matter, as long as they are fed and have received love that day.

 

[Marysann]

Dear Mrs. TSB4, I want you to know that I have been praying for ever since you first posted. I guess your situation struck a chord in me, because I know just how you feel. My own own experience was not as severe as yours, but similar enough to hit me. That baby is almost 30 now, my lovely home is a haven of peace. However my dear daughter-in-law, my dear son, and adorable baby granddaughter are now living in chaos! I guess it doesn’t bother my son because he is use to it from our home. I know it bothers my daughter-in-law. But that is life. I really can’t be helped by a mother who puts care of the children first. I know that you can’t see this now, but time flies fast, and your children will be grown up. Your lovely family will surround you with love. Please know that I am praying for you everyday, and I am sure that I am not alone.

 

[Demetra2]

Dear One,
I’m praying for you today. Please reach out to your priest and parish. I know at my church we have a ministry to help people who are in difficult overwhelming situations. There are people in a Catholic church somewhere who are ready and willing to help all of you through this rough spot. You are feeling very upset now but remember that feelings and situations change rapidly. A year from now everything could be very different and you will feel very differently. All of us who have raised children know how hard it is but please hang on and trust Jesus. Help is on the way but you must ask for it.

 

[St_Francis]

I have been finding it very hard to pray these days. I feel my faith slipping away and it was very thin to begin with. I’m constantly stressed no matter what I do. My kids give me such a hard time day in and day out, I dread dealing with them. Especially taking them out into public. It’s bad that I feel this way, I love them more than anything but I’m at my breaking point with their behavior. Along with the ****** hand we are being dealt right now. It’s all just too much.

Oh, prayer can be very hard! I remember once I had to go to a meeting someone I dislaiked was also going to attend. I complained o) to my friend and she suggested I pray for him. As I drove, I prayed: God, I am *only *praying for this man because X suggested it…

And within minutes, God answered this crummy skinny prayer of mine! He turned my whole mind upside down so I saw things from this man’s point of view and I felt sympathy and understanding for him.

So, it does not have to be a good prayer. It can be a crummy prayer that is our last resort and God loves us so much He still hears and answers us! How wonderful He is

So pray really bad prayers, but pray!

 

[oneofmany]

I don’t understand why everyone automatically assumes in depressed because I’m overwhelmed. Is it that hard to believe I have no help? With 4 little ones… I just don’t see having a fifth child as a good thing. I wouldn’t mind if t situation were better, but it isn’t. If I were so depressed and out of it, I would have terminated this pregnancy. I’m trying to think rationally. The only mental issue I have is anxiety and panic attacks. I do not have depression. I am overwhelmed.

You need to talk to your doctor as soon as possible, I hope it is a Catholic doctor. Some counseling will help. I am not sure about taking meds now that you are pregnant but having a support network will help you tremendously. Other mothers in your shoes to talk to. Does your husband help you at all taking care of the kids? He needs to and let you have some time for yourself. A good group of babysitters, mother, MIL, SIL, sister or any other people you can rely on?

You know the older children get to the point where they can be very helpful. My niece said she never knew how much the older ones could help until she had her fifth child. you might be thinking of them all staying babies and needing you 24/7 and they really don’t.

 

[Sereta]

I’m so sorry for your situation and the feelings of being overwhelmed.
Do you exercise?
If not,please get a treadmill or take up jogging and aerobics.
Honestly,you will get more energy,more positivity and the ability to easier handle what it seems life throws at you.
You need friends who support you and ease your load and you need to be less concerned what other people think of you as that comes across quite a bit in your post.
Your husband needs to help you more with the kids or housework too-not just finances.
Your kids can help the younger ones too.
It sounds like everything seems beyond your control and that your not having much Joy in life!
Maybe you could make exercise a family event with obstacle courses or something.
Please look after your self and eat healthy meals because you need energy and stress robs nutrients too so please take up a dance class or relaxing class like art.
Truly,once you recieve the benefits from exercise and become less concerned about people a criticism/judgment of you it will make a big difference.

 

[sdeco]

I’m glad the OP is no longer considering abortion, but I am very disturbed that she is considering adoption, and even more disturbed that other commenters seem to think that giving her baby up for adoption would be an OK thing to do. The OP is not a pregnant teenager. She’s a married woman with other children. It’s pretty clear to me that she’s not in her right mind due to overwhelming stress. I am sure once she gets the help and counseling she needs, she will no longer feel like giving the baby up for adoption.

As a mother, the idea of giving one of my children away makes me physically ill. It would be pure torture and agony for the rest of my life. I would probably commit suicide if I ever gave a baby up for adoption, even though I know it’s wrong. Haven’t you people thought about what sort of effect adoption would have on the OP? For that matter, what about the effect it would have on her other children? It would be extremely traumatic for them to see their sibling given away. What if they start worrying that their parents will give them away? And what about the effect it would have on the child who is adopted out? How will he or she feel when they find out they have an entire intact family out there who didn’t want them?

Someone told me once in another thread that they would “take” my child, when I was upset about a pregnancy. It was THE most hurtful, offensive thing anyone has ever said to me. I am a married woman in my 30s with a college degree, a job and three other children. I don’t know what on earth would possess someone to say such a thing. Don’t you people think??

That baby is now 2 months old and is sleeping on my chest as I write this. I just kissed her sweet fuzzy little head. She is mine. She belongs here, with her biological parents and siblings.

I don’t think the OP is a terrible person for considering adoption. I think she is just stressed out and overwhelmed. But I do think she would regret adoption for the rest of her life. She needs help to keep the baby.

 

[Xantippe]

sdeco said:

“Haven’t you people thought about what sort of effect adoption would have on the OP? For that matter, what about the effect it would have on her other children? It would be extremely traumatic for them to see their sibling given away. What if they start worrying that their parents will give them away? And what about the effect it would have on the child who is adopted out? How will he or she feel when they find out they have an entire intact family out there who didn’t want them?”

I also think that adoption is not ideal for a married woman with older children big enough to understand what’s going on, but at the moment, she’s overwhelmed and if it gives her peace to think about adoption or a temporary foster care placement as an option, that’s OK. She has a long, long way to go until the baby is born, and a lot of stuff will change in the next 7 months. Her bigger kids will get older (and hopefully more helpful), their financial situation will probably improve, (if her husband has earned a high income before and he has a good work ethic and good health, he can do it again), her husband may help more, the 2-year-old might eventually be able to go to an inexpensive preschool or mother’s day out program–there are many possibilities. If it’s really too much, they can do a temporary foster care placement and take the baby back when things are a little more settled.

But I agree–I would not encourage any permanent, irrevocable solutions to temporary problems.

 

[Xantippe]

One thing I’d add is that for me, personally, I am very fuzzy-headed and slow and low-energy while pregnant (just picking up anything on the floor sounds impossible and walking up a flight of stairs is like climbing Everest and even answering email is overwhelming), but as soon as the baby is born, I am Superwoman–I’m energetic, I can do laundry marathons, I can pick up toys, I can walk briskly up and down stairs–I can do anything! (At least initially.) So, if the OP is anything like me, I would not assume that you will feel exactly the same as you do now once the baby is born.

 

[Musician]

Bless your heart, OP. I remember with our fourth child I cried for weeks and was ill, tired, and depressed throughout the pregnancy.
I remember being overwhelmed of having four children under 7. I know you must be so upset.
Check your hormones with your doctor. Make sure you are being fed right nutritionally. Get plenty of rest and let the house go. Don’t worry about your other children, they sound absolutely normal to me. Try not to beat yourself up about ANYTHING.
You haven’t done one thing wrong. You’re just trying to survive like the rest of us.
You have my prayers, sweetie.

 

[TSB4]

It’s always nice to receive feedback and advice from people. However, the realization that it’ll always be opinions that differ from yours. Or someone who believes they know what you’re capable of or should be capable of handling. So adoption is wrong. Okay. I must be completely out of my mind for considering this because I have other children. Good to know. So why not just choose abortion? Feels like I’m being viewed in a similar light.

Listen, I appreciate all the feedback. I’ll just do what’s best for us. Thanks again.

 

[Xantippe]

Have you talked to your pastor yet about your need for practical support and to your doctor yet about your emotional state? Also, have you asked your husband if there is anything more he can do for you? It might be something very simple like getting breakfast for some of the big kids in the morning.

 

[holyrood]

It’s always nice to receive feedback and advice from people. However, the realization that it’ll always be opinions that differ from yours. Or someone who believes they know what you’re capable of or should be capable of handling. So adoption is wrong. Okay. I must be completely out of my mind for considering this because I have other children. Good to know. So why not just choose abortion? Feels like I’m being viewed in a similar light.

Listen, I appreciate all the feedback. I’ll just do what’s best for us. Thanks again.

((((TSB))))

I don’t think anyone intends anything as judgment or criticism. I believe it’s meant as encouragement, some of that encouragement from those of us who have been in your shoes and made it out the other side. My prayers are with you.

I’ll be honest, I do not believe adoption is best for a family, except maybe in the most dire, awful situations, in part because I have to wonder how that affects your other children, to grow up knowing one of them was put up for adoption. That has to have ramifications.

You have months to think about this, I agree with an above poster that hormones can wreak havoc on our emotions during pregnancy, and you may find that everything suddenly changes.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

Have you talked to your pastor yet about your need for practical support and to your doctor yet about your emotional state? Also, have you asked your husband if there is anything more he can do for you? It might be something very simple like getting breakfast for some of the big kids in the morning.

OP, I can tell from your posts that you’re very overwhelmed. And with 4 young kids, a pregnancy, and financial stress, it’s understandable to be overwhelmed! The key is seeking help, both with regard to your emotional state and with practical support. Do you have family or friends nearby who could help out with practical things? I’ve found during times when I’ve been overwhelmed that friends would be willing to help but they feel uncomfortable asking me if I need it – but if I ask them for help with something specific, they’ve been willing to come through (e.g., can you watch the kids for two hours while I go to the store/clean/take a nap, can you pick up the older kids at school for me, etc.) If you don’t have friends or family nearby who could do this, as Xantippe said, speaking to your pastor would be a very good idea. He may know of some people in the parish who could help you out. Please speak to your pastor and see what practical support the parish could provide. Also speak to your husband and ask him for help with specific tasks – the key I think is being specific. He’s under stress too, albeit of a different kind than you, and he might not notice or know what needs to be done. So be specific with him about what kind of things would be helpful: Could you help Johnny with his homework? Could you pack the kids’ lunches for school tomorrow? Could you load the dishwasher while I [do whatever]? Also, your two oldest children are old enough that they ought to be able to do some chores and be somewhat helpful around the house. For example, bringing their dirty laundry to the laundry room, cleaning the kitchen counter, sweeping the floor, etc.

As for the parenting thing… I feel like my kids go kinda crazy during the winter – we all get stir-crazy, I can’t easily send them outside to play, and all their extra energy gets expressed in a lot of fighting and arguing with each other. I’ve had to get a bit stricter on structure and discipline lately to keep everyone on track. I recently got the book 1-2-3 Magic at the library and reread it, and it was pretty helpful to reread it to refresh my memory. I’m sure your public library has a variety of books about parenting and discipline that you could check out for free while you look for an approach that will work for you…

Finally, I’m sending you a virtual hug. Know that you have support here on CAF and plenty of people who are thinking of you and praying for you.

 

[white_sheep]

Some practical points. My wife has said this a few times. She’s pregnant now and I can tell you that 7 months ago our life was upside down. Even 3 months ago it hadn’t turned around much. But in that time I have straightened most things out that caused the biggest problems. We have a 2 and 4 year old also. We have solved their bedtime issues for the most part and also solved most of the other major problems related to kids that age. It takes discipline, for you as much as them. You already know as they get older they change and get easier. It could be an entirely different scenario by the time the baby arrives. You have time to prepare and make changes if you just get after it and think positive.

At 7 and 9, the older ones should be doing most of the housework. If not, well that’s something to fix. When I was that age my older brother and I did almost all the housework except cooking. We did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen every night, put away our own clothes, and once a week every floor was cleaned, bathrooms were cleaned, mirrors cleaned, furniture all dusted, everything. More than I do now for sure. We also did all the outside work, which was a lot as we had a lot of outside to take care of.

 

[Xantippe]

white sheep said:

“At 7 and 9, the older ones should be doing most of the housework. If not, well that’s something to fix. When I was that age my older brother and I did almost all the housework except cooking. We did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen every night, put away our own clothes, and once a week every floor was cleaned, bathrooms were cleaned, mirrors cleaned, furniture all dusted, everything. More than I do now for sure. We also did all the outside work, which was a lot as we had a lot of outside to take care of.”

Working on getting the biggest kids to help would be a good job for the OP to delegate to her husband. “Mom’s not feeling well and we all need to pitch in.” I would definitely keep those tasks well-defined, as it is very demoralizing for children (or spouses) to feel that the chore list is potentially infinite. Example: “Mom and I need both of you to clean your rooms and the living room before going to the zoo/Chloe’s birthday party/playing Minecraft etc.” And then don’t add extra tasks.

I have three kids (11, 8 and 1), and one of the things that works for us is a zone system. Any daylight eating happens in the breakfast area (mommy and daddy have ice cream on the sofa after bedtime but the kids find that rather shocking), the big kids are discouraged from dragging things around the house (unless they drag them right back), and the baby’s stuff is generally either in her nursery or in a gated playroom. The baby’s room and the playroom are only cleaned up about twice a month, but as I said, her stuff is not allowed to leave her zones. It’s zoned chaos that isn’t allowed to overflow into the rest of the house.

Oh, and I really like baby gates a lot. Your 4-year-old may have discovered how to open them, but even so, they slow the rate of traffic.