I don't think I can do this

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I don’t know about delegating to her husband, but regardless of who delivers the news, I would think we agree that they need to be a united front. I would just inform them that from now on they are doing these things and if they ask the other parent they get the same answer. I would think that they could take a lot of burden off of her.

They probably couldn’t cook much, and in that regard I would change the menu if it is burdensome. There are lots of fast, easy, and good recipes.

I know how hard this can all be. My wife has continuously battled against being totally overwhelmed by the housework. The funny thing is that she does it in half the time now that she did it in 5 years ago, but is exactly the same amount behind all the time. I do the same jobs in 1/10th to 1/5th the time it takes her. Daily housework requirements are not that great if you just get it done. Dishes, laundry, and light wipe down, sweep the floor house cleaning is just not more than 30 minutes worth of work most of the time. Cooking time can vary.

If there are other things getting in the way such as extracurricular stuff, cancel it. It won’t kill them. I cancelled t-ball, am trying to cancel gymnastics, and have succeeded in preventing new additions so far. My wife thinks they need to do these stupid things, but what we need more than that is for us not to be doing this stuff all the time. Simply don’t have time for it, nor really the money either. You need priorities. Your personal sanity as a parent is a priority, so is money. If your vault is overflowing, then whatever.
 
TSB4 said:
I understand, but, I don’t have order in my home. My kids don’t follow directions and they constantly misbehave. I find myself always yelling and with everything else going on, I understand why people would view this as irresponsible.
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I haven’t finished them, but Dr. Ray Guarendi has a number of books on discipline that I have found helpful. I highly recommend you trying to read one or two. Discipline that lasts a lifetime. Back to the Family. Raising Good Kids-Back to the Basics. And others of his.

I understand exactly where you are, had the same thing here not long ago. With some good discipline they can grow out of it quickly. My wife yells at the kids and they don’t do what she says. I don’t and they do what I say. If only she would also do what I say. Try to never yell. Just tell them what to do. If they don’t do it-discipline. Right then. While we’re on that topic the One Minute Manager “technique” is good in this area of life as well. It’s only a 3 hour read. Tell them clearly what you expect and be consistent. If it doesn’t happen-discipline. I say it once and then give them a few seconds to make sure they have heard and processed what I said. I don’t say it again if I think they heard me. You can get a handle on them. I will note that some tv is fine and it has its time and convenience, but if they watch too much my kids tend to be bad. Diet can also be a problem for some.

Often, you run into problems of not accepting discipline. The answer to that is another discipline. You didn’t stay in time out, you get a spanking, and now your time is doubled. Pretty soon they will learn that when you say something you mean it. With little ones using the spanker as a pointer is priceless. If they are used to running all over you like a doormat and ignoring your instructions, it may take some persuasion to convince them you mean business. It may take 5 spankings in a row. Pain will instruct.

I don’t mean to be flippant, but the problem of discipline is actually quite simple. Be consistent, have your rules, if they break them or don’t do as you instruct, they receive discipline. They will learn. I have found rewards and praise to be effective in establishing new practices. Disciplines I have found useful are time out, spanking, loss of privileges. I mix it up, but the wild, wild, crazy 4 year old I like to put in time out more to give everyone else a break. She is full of energy, and I think that makes time out worse for her.

It takes time, but not long, improvement in a day or two, better in a week, even more in a few months.
 
Last point on disciplining the kids. Your kids being out of control is your fault. Me saying that probably makes you mad. Having said that, having perfectly well behaved kids is impossible. They are also all different, so some are more controllable and others you have to have a certain amount of leeway towards knowing that they’re just going to do some things and there is nothing you can do about it.

Saying that it is your fault is not an accusation, but an empowerment. If it is your fault, then it is something you can control, and something that you can fix. I knew it was our fault when our kids were bad and completely out of control and destroying our lives. This was only 3-4 months ago for us. I embraced the fact that it was our fault and took steps. Things have turned around more than I thought was truly possible. Sure, we still have a long way to go, but it has been worth it.

The difference was in using a more effective, consistent discipline. Hugs and praise are important too. It takes discipline with love. Dr Ray says discipline without love can be cruel, love without discipline is child abuse.
 
white sheep said:

“I don’t know about delegating to her husband, but regardless of who delivers the news, I would think we agree that they need to be a united front.”

I think she should hand that over to her husband, as she is overwhelmed, and he may be much better than her right now at laying down the law. If you ask kids for help often (but then don’t follow through), it’s worse than asking rarely, but with 100% follow through. It’s very important to create the impression of invincibility, even when you feel like a big marshmallow. My big kids, for example, think that I’m super tough, whereas I feel soft and squishy and weak, but my secret is that I never ask them to do anything unless I am in a position to follow through and make sure it gets done. And I’m very careful never to make empty threats (if I say there’s not going to be any TV unless such-and-such gets done, there isn’t going to be any TV). That’s why I would suggest starting this only with the OP’s husband at home, either to do it himself, or as backup.
 
Today is the day that I realized everything will not be okay. My biggest fear within my panic disorder is to be left alone. My husband is going out of town tomorrow and I’m dreading it so badly. I’m so sick of feeling this way. What mom can’t function without the comfort of another adult being around? And I know most of you will probably suggest me goin on medication, but I refuse to. I’ve seen and heard horror stories. Taking medication will trigger me to believe I’m having side effects even if I’m not and what I I do? I don’t want to end up worse off than I am now. This is why I don’t need to have more children. I don’t deserve it. I can’t fully enjoy anything without there being an obstacle in my way. I’m just so tired. I live a very dull life full of doubts and what ifs. I’m afraid of almost every thing. I hate this. Bringing another baby here would be so unfair. I know pregnancy enhances my hormones but that doesn’t make it right. I can’t do this.

To the pp who said my kids behavior is my fault, you’re probably right. Thanks for understanding why I don’t want anymore children.
 
TSB4, how close is your family? Can anyone come and stay for a bit with you? You know, I bet that a lot of people reading this thread would come to help you if only they could. :console:

Please, children misbehaving are not your fault, please don’t believe that. They just need a nudge into behaving differently. You can change their behavior with the help of some good books.

How long will your husband be away? Please come here and talk to us, know that we will support you and pray for you.
 
Please be assured you are not alone!! I am 32 weeks pregnant with our 7th baby!!! We have been virtually prisoners in our home since Jan 1 due to frequent snow clippers and subzero temps.This week the flu bug decided to have a visit too. My 12 year old, 1 year old, 3 year old, husband, and myself have all been miserable. I was just getting better from my last 4 week head cold and here we go again:(!! My kids fight all the time. My husband is rarely home before 9 or 10 each night!! I am so uncomfortable, I can barely stand more than 15 consecutive minutes so the house is a mess and my kids are living off of fast food/convenience items. I have cried every night this week because I feel so isolated and overwhelmed. To top that all off, my husband decided to go out with his buddies after work tonight:eek:

I know this isn’t really helpful information, but if you are anything like me, it is just comforting to know that someone understands. Please pray for me and I will pray for you!!!
 
TSB4 said:
I recently found out im pregnant and I was not happy about it. My husband and I have 4 kids and we aren’t prepared for another. Every day since I’ve found out I have been depressed. I have tried to force myself to be happy but I cannot. I honestly do not think I can handle another child. I know abortion isn’t an option, I’m considering adopting the baby out. I would like to do this but with our last unplanned pregnancy, my husband refused and so I couldn’t go through with it. Any advice on breaking the news to my husband or getting him to understand placing the baby? I feel alone, I cannot talk to anyone in real life about this because I will get the same reaction of negativity. Or people telling me I should just handle it now while it’s still early. I heard the heartbeat two days ago, I can’t bring myself to aborting this baby.

Any advice. Thank you.
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My wife and I were where you are now almost six years ago. We too knew abortion wasn’t an option and we never considered adopting out either–as you say “you just don’t think you can do this…” – I think that is how we felt about adopting out. I guess we wondered how we would manage but I think deep down we trusted the Lord to make things work out. At the time my wife was working long hours and during three months of the year I put in very long hours. Our life was very hectic and I my wife felt a great deal of stress and was depressed. Just before he turned three my wife abruptly quit working. It was a scary time as 2/3 of our income went with her job and while we have had some financial stress as we changed our life style–overall the change has been good for my wife and for our children. She is happier and physically healthier now and our younger children have loved having mom home after school and having her able to volunteer at the school. It has all worked out so far just not as I had planned but I am guessing that even though things have not worked out how I thought they would financially in actuality they have probably worked out better for our faith and for our children–it seems as if perhaps God knew what we needed when we didn’t. My kids share bedrooms - boys in one and girls in the other. They don’t have all the newest and greatest electronics. I don’t yet have a smart phone or an Ipad, our computer is not all that great and our tv is about the size of my computer monitor but we don’t go hungry. We weren’t prepared for our last three – especially our fifth one, but I now can’t imagine life without him.

I don’t know you situation or why you feel you can’t handle another one. I am not sure the reasons matter–we all have our own reasons. I know for us we felt guilty about the way we felt because we knew we should have been happy, that our child was a gift from God, but in this society you are bombarded on all sides with mostly negative reactions from people and it just makes it hard.

So I am sorry to say I don’t have any advice for you–I just wanted to share that my wife and I were, in some small way kind of, where you are now and it worked out for us–though in no way close to how we thought it would. If I had any advice for you it would be this–pray to the Lord for guidance and for help and for strength. If you can – pray with your husband. If you can – pray as a family. I pray that the Lord will show you what to do. I will pray that the Lord guide you in your decision and give you strength.

The peace of Christ,
Mark
 
TSB4 said:

“What mom can’t function without the comfort of another adult being around?”

Lots, actually. A friend of mine was having bad postpartum symptoms last year (including panic attacks), and every time I came over for quite a while, there was a friend from church holding her baby and helping her out.

Nobody says you have to do this by yourself.

Figure out with your husband how to make his absence work. Do you have a little extra money to hire a high school or college girl to come help you for a few hours?

My husband is going to be out of the country for 7 days in a row soon, leaving me with our three kids (11, 8 and 1–not as many kids as you have, but one is mildly autistic and sometimes gets very balky). My husband suggested I get a sitter for while he’s away, but I’m thinking that on the whole, I think I would prefer to invest in some meals out or take-out instead. It’s an indulgence, but having him gone for a week is a big deal, so it’s OK to choose some corners to cut.

“And I know most of you will probably suggest me goin on medication, but I refuse to. I’ve seen and heard horror stories. Taking medication will trigger me to believe I’m having side effects even if I’m not and what I I do? I don’t want to end up worse off than I am now.”

How much worse could you get? Find a good psychiatrist and just keep working at it with your psychiatrist until you find medications that work for you. You don’t have to live like this. Find a good psychiatrist and ask them to reassure you about medications.
 
If the OP is still reading these posts, I want you to know that I support your option to place your baby for adoption.You say you are overwhelmed and I believe you. This child could be the answer to a loving Couple’s prayers. I would never claim to understand the ways of God, but sometimes His plan goes against all expectations. You do not need to be judged, you need to be supported at this time and I think you understand your own limits. Please get a good counselor and maybe discuss what an adoption plan would look and feel like. You obviously don’t have to commit to anything, but maybe exploring this option will help settle and clarify this situation for you. You and your family are in my prayers.
 
Does your husband understand your emotional condition? What are his suggestions for coping?
 
OP, is there any way that you could contact your church and ask them for help while your husband is gone? You don’t have to give them every detail; I should think that just “I have 4 kids and another on the way, my husband will be out of town for X days, and I’m having a really hard time coping with this pregnancy” would be sufficient. Surely there’s a college kid/confirmation student who needs service hours/grandmother type who could perhaps help you out. If you attended my parish, I’d do it in a heartbeat and no questions asked.
 
TSB4 said:
It’s always nice to receive feedback and advice from people. However, the realization that it’ll always be opinions that differ from yours. Or someone who believes they know what you’re capable of or should be capable of handling. So adoption is wrong. Okay. I must be completely out of my mind for considering this because I have other children. Good to know. So why not just choose abortion? Feels like I’m being viewed in a similar light.

Listen, I appreciate all the feedback. I’ll just do what’s best for us. Thanks again.
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No one knows what you are capable of–heck I don’t think any of us really know what we are capable of. However God does know what we are capable of and many of us here don’t beleive that God will give us more than we are capable of–and many here have experienced situations that they didn’t think they could handle but found out that they could indeed handle it. I think that is what most are sharing.

I think you should do what is best for you but you should remember that ultimately what is best for you to do–is what God wants you to do–and no one here can tell you that. That is why you have been urged by many to pray. I urge you to pray for guidance even if it is hard, even if it feels dry please persevere. Please read the Bible. Only when you are praying and trying to listen to God–can you find what God wants you to do and the peace that comes from that. No one here knows what God’s plans for you are–please seek those plans and tune out our secular society.

Please know you are in my prayers.

The peace of Christ,
Mark
 
OP, you know that adoption and abortion aren’t the same thing at all. Other posters have brought up some points–some valid, some less so–about the problems that might come from adopting this baby out to a loving couple. They are points that you need to consider if you are entertaining the idea of adoption, but that doesn’t mean that adoption isn’t the answer.

Right now, though, you’re in crisis mode. You have a HUGE amount to deal with–anxiety, worry, the immediate problem of your husband being gone, four kids who don’t listen, and now another on the way. I haven’t been in your shoes in most of those regards, but I have been in crisis mode due to other things. For the moment, don’t make any long-term decisions. Both adoption and abortion are exactly those. Allow yourself to recognize that you are in crisis mode, that adoption may well be the right option for you but that you don’t have to make that decision for several months yet, and that all you can do is take things one little bit at a time. You don’t have to make a major decision today, or even this week. That’s a very freeing idea.

Let your church help you. Let your community, your family, and your friends help you. When I read your posts, I hear a woman who feels terribly isolated, alone, and afraid, and is locking herself further into a metaphorical dark closet to try to get away from the fears she carries with her. Let us, and those who care about you IRL, open that closet door and help you with those fears and worries.

If you have them in your diocese, a group you might contact is the Gabriel Project. This is a program which specializes in helping women in crisis pregnancies. That you’re married and have four kids in addition to the one you carry does *not *mean that this isn’t a crisis pregnancy! The Gabriel Project matches moms in crisis pregnancies with older couples who do everything they can to help that mom. Some will take moms into their homes; others will just be there by offering meals, babysitting, baby supplies, and the like. Let them help you. If you’re concerned about asking for help or imposing on others, consider this: offering someone the opportunity to help you gives the helper an opportunity for many, many graces. If anything, you’re helping them!

Finally, I do know it’s a very long shot, but if you’re in the Houston, TX area and are comfortable with the idea, PM me.
 
Hmmm. This story sounds familiar. Can anyone say…crucifixion?

God allowed His only son to be crucified. I’ll say it again.

God allowed His son to be gouged with hooked whips. Then, He allowed Him to be stabbed in the ribs after being nailed to wood, after hauling that piece of wood up a mountain on his ripped up back while everyone laughed at Him because He thought He was the son of God while doing this. You have to admit, it would seem sort of ridiculous for God to allow His son to do something like this. If He were really God, He wouldn’t be carrying a friekin log on His bloody back, going to die.

OK and then God turned the whole thing into a huge marriage feast. WHAAAAAT?
I mean seriously.

God allowed this. Was He being irresponsible?
We do not understand God’s ways or life’s ways. Life’s ways are deadly. They are bloody. They are terrible and messy and poopy. Lotsa poop.

I admire your courage and honor in deciding not to go on the pill and for your desire to share closer intimacy with your husband. You are becoming a woman and are doing the will of God. This is not for sissies. Love that child, and accept the bloody cup for the sake of that child and for the sake of everyone you love. The love will blossom into a marriage feast, and everyone is invited! TRUST!

and a little bit of hint…
use “if…then” statements with your kids. And ALWAYS follow through with “then”

For example:
"if you keep hitting her, then you will not go to Susie’s house today (find your kid’s hot button, and you shall control the WORLD).

Go now, and run like the wind. And it’s OK if you trip along the way. Because sometimes it’s funny if you trip. God uses our little trips and falls and “irresponsibilities” and makes life quite beautiful with them… the mark of a master artist. Gotta laugh, sister. And sometimes a glass of cheap wine while laughing with your hubby is OK, too ;D

I don’t say these things lightly. This is not idealistic writing in the sky. My battle story is similar to yours. I’ve got the scars to prove it. Only take away the husband and add some more kids. And the whole bloody mess actually came out beautifully in the end. All things work together for good to those who love God. Continue in this battle, my friend, and don’t give up. God had a plan, and it surely was not mine! LOL THANK YOU GOD!!!
 
Sorry it took me so long to reply.

I don’t have a church to turn to. I am not catholic, but, I have always been interested in joining. A very dear friend of mine is Catholic and she has been supportive in ways I can’t even describe. My husband is a cradle catholic, however, he isn’t involved in church either.

I don’t really have an update other than tomorrow I will be calling a divorce attorney. I believe that my marriage is over. He completely lacks compassion, respect, amongst other things. We are both very frustrated right now. Him because he is trying to get financially stable. Me because I feel super lonely and stressed out. I find myself yelling allot more lately which I HATE about myself. I grew up around lots of yelling and cursing.

He is going on a week log vacation to Miami on Tuesday. He is involved in a network marketing business which he says he has to show “lifestyle” to get others to join underneath him. Although I don’t agree with him taking a week long vacation, especially now, he is still going. We are arguing allot more. I just want to be done with him.

I am still pregnant. I’ll be 13 weeks soon, so I am feeling better as far as being sick al the time. However, I’m still very unhappy about this pregnancy. I feel zero attachment to it. To add, I don’t think I will be able to raise 5 children on my own.

It’s all just very unfortunate and I have allot of regret looking back. I’m going to leave with NOTHING because over the years, ive given him and the kids everything!

Just wanted to update you all.
 
Dear one, your problems are significant, and I am not qualified to suggest solutions for you, but I want to let you know that I have been remembering you in my prayers every day since you first posted. I am glad that you have a good friend to help you. That is worth so much. You are a Christian so I hope that you are turning to our Lord in this difficult time. He never gives us more than we can handle with His help. I know that is not much of a consolation, but you might like to know that you are in good company. Mother Teresa believed that God wouldn’t give her more that she could handle, but she said that she sometimes wished that He didn’t have so much confidence in her.
 
TSB4 said:

“He is going on a week log vacation to Miami on Tuesday. He is involved in a network marketing business which he says he has to show “lifestyle” to get others to join underneath him.”

I.E. lying and misrepresenting about how he’s doing in the business.

I felt you were overreacting with the divorce and thinking that you couldn’t possibly be materially better off divorced, right up until you used the term “network marketing.” When you previously mentioned his efforts at getting business going, I was feeling sympathetic to his efforts, but I see that that sympathy was misplaced.

There’s a Mary Kay survivor group called Pink Truth (www.pinktruth.com) that you may find helpful.

“It’s all just very unfortunate and I have allot of regret looking back. I’m going to leave with NOTHING because over the years, ive given him and the kids everything!”

Are you in individual counseling? And have you explored what charitable or government aid you will be eligible for?

Whether or not it’s nothing depends on what kind of mother you are and what kind of kids you raise. If you raise five fine young adults, yours will be a life very well spent no matter what else you achieve.
 
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I offer you my prayers and understanding that life isn’t always fair - sometimes doesn’t make sense at all - and is HARD in ways that others who haven’t walked in YOUR shoes can truly understand.

Disregard the posts that come off like you’re being judged. Nobody has the right. And the ones that are silly. I literally laughed out loud at the suggestion that you take up jogging as a solution. Four kids+ alone a lot of the time and pregnant. Yes, now go run around the block. Seriously?

I’m not going to tell you what to do - except that if you feel it’s best to give the baby up there is ZERO shame in that. Catholic Charities can help you even though you aren’t Catholic. Google them - and call. They will help you.

You’re probably a better Mom than you think. Four kids is HARD, even with support and it sounds like you don’t have very much. It gets better… and eventually they grow up. Your life won’t be like this forever. One day at a time… that’s all you need to think about.

Here’s a ((hug)) - my sympathy for your predicament, and my prayers.
 
I’m sorry that you are going through this and you and your family are in my prayers. I hope that you are able to seek counseling to help you through this time. Also, consider contacting an adoption advisor. That baby could be the miracle a Couple has been waiting for. Some states, such as Utah, allow a mother to choose to place her child for adoption as her decision alone. The adoption agency would help you with living and medical costs.There is almost a “taboo” in society against married couples placing children for adoption and it needs to change. You deserve the same life-afirming options as any other woman does, and I believe you when you say that you do not want to and are not able to parent another child right now. take care and God Bless. Thank you for the update. I’ve been thinking about you.
 
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