I don't think I can do this

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TSB4,

You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but how did your husband lose his job? It was a really good job, wasn’t it?

By the way, you probably do have to have some form of formalized communication channel open with your husband–if you get a divorce, you’ll need to arrange various practical issues. I suppose email might be a good channel, as it’s less intrusive and disruptive than the phone. Be brief and be civil. Anything you write can be used against you in court as evidence of you being crazy. And vice versa, of course–anything your husband writes can be used against him.

DJgang said:

“My husband, business owner and workaholic. Had no idea how to raise children but he would work and have fun working and socializing.”

I think that’s not uncommon. The problem is that housework and childcare gives no attaboys and attagirls, while work is much more reinforcing. Also, I’ve been reading the archives at Pink Truth, and network marketing programs are very reinforcing. You’re always working hard to get the next cookie.

pinktruth.com/2013/05/mary-kay-put-a-wedge-in-my-marriage/

pinktruth.com/2012/10/how-many-marriages-has-mary-kay-ruined/
 
TSB4,

One thing I would encourage you to do is to date your husband if he wants to get back together, rather than just move him back in. Definitely don’t move him back in without some substantial demonstration of progress. The two of you set a time, you set an activity, and he demonstrates that he can pay attention to you or you and the kids for an hour or two at a time and then see if he can do that consistently over several months. Obviously, it needs to be a non-business event–a park, the zoo, a play area at a fast food place, whatever. Also insist on counseling while you are living apart. And no sex, of course–it’s not being punitive, it’s just recognizing that with where your relationship is right now, it’s not appropriate. We don’t have sex with people who blame us for all their problems–that’s silly. If he wants to come back, your being apart will be the strongest hand you’ve ever held.

It’s possible that none of this will be any good (and he may not be interested in reconciliation), but definitely have a plan and conditions in mind in case he wants to come home, rather than just crumbling and taking him back. Being apart could be the saving of your marriage.

Best wishes!
 
I also like irishmom2’s idea of managing the times when he gloms onto the phone. If you are on a date, that’s the end of the date. That’s where you pack up your stuff, thank him for a lovely evening, and go home. No drama, no yelling, just pack up and go home.
 
Xantippe said:
TSB4,

You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but how did your husband lose his job? It was a really good job, wasn’t it?

By the way, you probably do have to have some form of formalized communication channel open with your husband–if you get a divorce, you’ll need to arrange various practical issues. I suppose email might be a good channel, as it’s less intrusive and disruptive than the phone. Be brief and be civil. Anything you write can be used against you in court as evidence of you being crazy. And vice versa, of course–anything your husband writes can be used against him.

DJgang said:

“My husband, business owner and workaholic. Had no idea how to raise children but he would work and have fun working and socializing.”

I think that’s not uncommon. The problem is that housework and childcare gives no attaboys and attagirls, while work is much more reinforcing. Also, I’ve been reading the archives at Pink Truth, and network marketing programs are very reinforcing. You’re always working hard to get the next cookie.

pinktruth.com/2013/05/mary-kay-put-a-wedge-in-my-marriage/

pinktruth.com/2012/10/how-many-marriages-has-mary-kay-ruined/
Click to expand...
He lost his job because he got laid off. He was in the carpenters union, he reached top pay then they laid him off.
 
TSB4 said:

“He lost his job because he got laid off. He was in the carpenters union, he reached top pay then they laid him off.”

And that’s your fault, how?

It’s really weird that he’s reaching for this get-rich-quick stuff under the circumstances, because a guy like him should have plenty of legitimate ways to earn a decent income (unless you live in some sort of really depressed Rust Belt area, of course, but then I really can’t imagine the get-rich-quick-stuff would work, either).

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
TSB4,

One thing I would encourage you to do is to date your husband if he wants to get back together, rather than just move him back in. Definitely don’t move him back in without some substantial demonstration of progress. The two of you set a time, you set an activity, and he demonstrates that he can pay attention to you or you and the kids for an hour or two at a time and then see if he can do that consistently over several months. Obviously, it needs to be a non-business event–a park, the zoo, a play area at a fast food place, whatever. Also insist on counseling while you are living apart. And no sex, of course–it’s not being punitive, it’s just recognizing that with where your relationship is right now, it’s not appropriate. We don’t have sex with people who blame us for all their problems–that’s silly. If he wants to come back, your being apart will be the strongest hand you’ve ever held.

It’s possible that none of this will be any good (and he may not be interested in reconciliation), but definitely have a plan and conditions in mind in case he wants to come home, rather than just crumbling and taking him back. Being apart could be the saving of your marriage.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
He didn’t take anything with him. I can’t just keep him out without his stuff, and he obviously doesn’t take me seriously. I guess this is it. Lifetime in a marriage of being a doormat to this man. Til death do us part right?🤷
 
Xantippe said:
TSB4 said:

“He lost his job because he got laid off. He was in the carpenters union, he reached top pay then they laid him off.”

And that’s your fault, how?

It’s really weird that he’s reaching for this get-rich-quick stuff under the circumstances, because a guy like him should have plenty of legitimate ways to earn a decent income (unless you live in some sort of really depressed Rust Belt area, of course, but then I really can’t imagine the get-rich-quick-stuff would work, either).

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
Because he feels they didn’t keep him because he had to take a few days off for me when I wasn’t feeling well enough to care for the kids on my own. I guess? I don’t know…
 
TSB4 said:

“He didn’t take anything with him. I can’t just keep him out without his stuff, and he obviously doesn’t take me seriously. I guess this is it. Lifetime in a marriage of being a doormat to this man. Til death do us part right?”

You can leave a packed bag at his mom’s house with the necessaries and email him to ask what else he wants packed up. I wouldn’t let this drag on too long–I’m told they sell razors and deodorant at CVS.

Don’t yell, and don’t be emotional, but be calm and firm. If he wants to see the kids, you will need to make arrangements. If you think that the kids won’t be safe with him, talk to a lawyer. A women’s shelter would be able to help you with that.

Also, at some point, if he shows no signs of attempting reconciliation, you need to make arrangements for a legal separation, assignment of custody, and a child support order. The court will be interested in seeing that he actually produces some sort of income. The better you are able to pull yourself together, the better you’ll do in family court. If you act in a way that could be described as “crazy,” there is a chance that you could lose custody of your children. Bear that in mind.

Best wishes!
 
TSB4 said:
Because he feels they didn’t keep him because he had to take a few days off for me when I wasn’t feeling well enough to care for the kids on my own. I guess? I don’t know…
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Union Carpenters typically don’t get laid off for taking a few days off. Was he working at a project site or a permanent job?

DGB
 
Xantippe said:
TSB4 said:

“He didn’t take anything with him. I can’t just keep him out without his stuff, and he obviously doesn’t take me seriously. I guess this is it. Lifetime in a marriage of being a doormat to this man. Til death do us part right?”

You can leave a packed bag at his mom’s house with the necessaries and email him to ask what else he wants packed up. I wouldn’t let this drag on too long–I’m told they sell razors and deodorant at CVS.

Don’t yell, and don’t be emotional, but be calm and firm. If he wants to see the kids, you will need to make arrangements. If you think that the kids won’t be safe with him, talk to a lawyer. A women’s shelter would be able to help you with that.

Also, at some point, if he shows no signs of attempting reconciliation, you need to make arrangements for a legal separation, assignment of custody, and a child support order. The court will be interested in seeing that he actually produces some sort of income. The better you are able to pull yourself together, the better you’ll do in family court. If you act in a way that could be described as “crazy,” there is a chance that you could lose custody of your children. Bear that in mind.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
His mother lives about 2 states away. There is no way I could bring her his things tonight
 
DoGodsBidding said:
Union Carpenters typically don’t get laid off for taking a few days off. Was he working at a project site or a permanent job?

DGB
Click to expand...
Projected site. Most of the jobs were never permanent, he always bounced around. The longest he worked for a contractor was 1 year.
 
TSB4 said:
He didn’t take anything with him. I can’t just keep him out without his stuff, and he obviously doesn’t take me seriously. I guess this is it. Lifetime in a marriage of being a doormat to this man. Til death do us part right?🤷
Click to expand...
He didn’t take anything with him because deep down
  1. He realizes he’ll be lost without you
  2. He’s betting you will cave.
There’s another option. Pack the bag for him and say “this is the last time I wait on you. Bye.”

People who act as he does, do so because they feel like they are a failure (loss of job)
and they feel better about themselves if they can put someone else down, and that person is too nice to fight back. I took it for years because I didn’t want to fight around the girls, and I realized that fighting back just made his insults worse and more hurtful. They escalated quickly once I got brave enough to talk back. But then, I wasn’t as brave as you …I asked him to leave and he wouldn’t. I let him stay. He went back to his ways within a week.
He eventually threatened to kill me. One of the girls hid in a closet and called the police.
The police came and he told them everything was fine. Smiled. Big smile. But the policeman saw that we had been crying…red eyes…and they urged us to leave with the clothes on our backs. We did. But we had the support of the cops. We went to stay with friends from the parish.

He will cry, cajole, make promises. He needs to hear what he is doing to you and the children and HIMSELF from someone else. A therapist. A trusted friend. Someone who can look him in the eye and say “DUDE…what are you thinking? You’re going to lose it all if you don’t change.” But he will never hear it when you say it. He just won’t. He’s already decided that you are the problem,. Of course, you’re not. But he has decided. Let him tell his story to others. Someone, somewhere will sit him down and have a come to Jesus talk with him. Maybe his mama.

Meanwhile, pack his bag. Pat him on the back, and say…“let me know when you get serious help. In the meantime, you will not verbally abuse me again”.

And stick to your guns. Pray the rosary. Visit the church when you get a chance to alone.
Sit there and talk to God in your heart. Cry if you want to. Let it all out. Give your troubles to God. Lay them at the foot of the cross and free yourself of the pain.
Focus on taking care of yourself for the new baby. Enjoy your children. Let the house get messy. Eat canned soup. Read to your children. Snuggle with them in bed.
Enjoy the peace and quiet.
Try not to worry. He’ll manage. You need a chance to heal.
You candle is still burning, and when the 7th day is up, I will light another for you.
I will not forget about you. I will pray. Everyone here will pray I’m sure.
:grouphug:
 
TSB4, I don’t have much advice (I have no children), but I will pray for you and your family. :hug3:

I recently helped my sister with her newborn, and in the midst of the chaos (her children are LOUD :slapfight: ) the best thing of all was holding the baby.

Don’t lose heart, God loves you more than you can imagine. :blessyou:
 
pianistclare said:
He didn’t take anything with him because deep down
  1. He realizes he’ll be lost without you
  2. He’s betting you will cave.
There’s another option. Pack the bag for him and say “this is the last time I wait on you. Bye.”

People who act as he does, do so because they feel like they are a failure (loss of job)
and they feel better about themselves if they can put someone else down, and that person is too nice to fight back. I took it for years because I didn’t want to fight around the girls, and I realized that fighting back just made his insults worse and more hurtful. They escalated quickly once I got brave enough to talk back. But then, I wasn’t as brave as you …I asked him to leave and he wouldn’t. I let him stay. He went back to his ways within a week.
He eventually threatened to kill me. One of the girls hid in a closet and called the police.
The police came and he told them everything was fine. Smiled. Big smile. But the policeman saw that we had been crying…red eyes…and they urged us to leave with the clothes on our backs. We did. But we had the support of the cops. We went to stay with friends from the parish.

He will cry, cajole, make promises. He needs to hear what he is doing to you and the children and HIMSELF from someone else. A therapist. A trusted friend. Someone who can look him in the eye and say “DUDE…what are you thinking? You’re going to lose it all if you don’t change.” But he will never hear it when you say it. He just won’t. He’s already decided that you are the problem,. Of course, you’re not. But he has decided. Let him tell his story to others. Someone, somewhere will sit him down and have a come to Jesus talk with him. Maybe his mama.

Meanwhile, pack his bag. Pat him on the back, and say…“let me know when you get serious help. In the meantime, you will not verbally abuse me again”.

And stick to your guns. Pray the rosary. Visit the church when you get a chance to alone.
Sit there and talk to God in your heart. Cry if you want to. Let it all out. Give your troubles to God. Lay them at the foot of the cross and free yourself of the pain.
Focus on taking care of yourself for the new baby. Enjoy your children. Let the house get messy. Eat canned soup. Read to your children. Snuggle with them in bed.
Enjoy the peace and quiet.
Try not to worry. He’ll manage. You need a chance to heal.
You candle is still burning, and when the 7th day is up, I will light another for you.
I will not forget about you. I will pray. Everyone here will pray I’m sure.
:grouphug:
Click to expand...
Im sorry you had to go through that…

I don’t think he is taking me seriously. I texted him, he is not replying. I am aware he has his phone and using it because, of course, he is on Facebook. 😦

I don’t think I have the energy or the heart to leave his stuff on the curb. I wish he would have just taken it with him!! I don’t understand why he is playing these games with me…

I really wish I could go to sleep and wake up in a different place. Happy, anxiety and worry free, a supportive husband and children who behave. I know thats not going to happen.

I think a part of me believes that, if we do separate for good, I will never experience love. After all, he will always come between it, I’m sure of it. For two, who can I trust? The world is full of pedophiles, abusers, and wackos. I would never trust anyone around my children. Even if i did find someone, Im sure they wouldn’t take me seriously, I will have 5 children, a failed marriage and nothing to offer or bring to the table.

I hope that doesn’t make me sound selfish. Just sharing some of the thoughts that cross my mind. :crying:
 
TSB4 said:
Im sorry you had to go through that…

I don’t think he is taking me seriously. I texted him, he is not replying. I am aware he has his phone and using it because, of course, he is on Facebook. 😦

I don’t think I have the energy or the heart to leave his stuff on the curb. I wish he would have just taken it with him!! I don’t understand why he is playing these games with me…

I really wish I could go to sleep and wake up in a different place. Happy, anxiety and worry free, a supportive husband and children who behave. I know thats not going to happen.

I think a part of me believes that, if we do separate for good, I will never experience love. After all, he will always come between it, I’m sure of it. For two, who can I trust? The world is full of pedophiles, abusers, and wackos. I would never trust anyone around my children. Even if i did find someone, Im sure they wouldn’t take me seriously, I will have 5 children, a failed marriage and nothing to offer or bring to the table.

I hope that doesn’t make me sound selfish. Just sharing some of the thoughts that cross my mind. :crying:
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OK love…CRY HARD.
Get it out.
Leave his stuff on the porch. If it’s gone in the morning and he didn’t get it, say “you should have come for it.”

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO OFFER.
Say this to your self.
Rinse.
Repeat.

You are feeling down now, because of the situation. Your situation is something that is happening TO YOU. It is not who you are.
Say it to yourself.
I deserve better. Christ wants me to THRIVE. Not just get by…to thrive.
he wants my children to grow up happy, with a mama that loves them enough to protect them, and a dad who loves their mother.

Rinse.
Repeat.

It may take months, but you have to believe that God wants a happy, holy life for you.
One without undue drama, without abusive behaviors, without sadness.

Be strong. I know you have to say these things to purge all the bad feelings.
But in the end, as the poster before said “God loves you more than you can imagine.”

'tis true.
:shamrock2:
 
Was he this annoying while he was working as a carpenter? I’ll bet he was a good carpenter, or he would have never reached top pay. Maybe he should hang around in his union hall and see if someone wants to hire him, even if it is just for a short, temporary job. It sounds like his business enterprise is not very successful.
 
pianistclare said:
OK love…CRY HARD.
Get it out.
Leave his stuff on the porch. If it’s gone in the morning and he didn’t get it, say “you should have come for it.”

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO OFFER.
Say this to your self.
Rinse.
Repeat.

You are feeling down now, because of the situation. Your situation is something that is happening TO YOU. It is not who you are.
Say it to yourself.
I deserve better. Christ wants me to THRIVE. Not just get by…to thrive.
he wants my children to grow up happy, with a mama that loves them enough to protect them, and a dad who loves their mother.

Rinse.
Repeat.

It may take months, but you have to believe that God wants a happy, holy life for you.
One without undue drama, without abusive behaviors, without sadness.

Be strong. I know you have to say these things to purge all the bad feelings.
But in the end, as the poster before said “God loves you more than you can imagine.”

'tis true.
:shamrock2:
Click to expand...
I honestly can’t leave his things on the porch.
 
Listener said:
Was he this annoying while he was working as a carpenter? I’ll bet he was a good carpenter, or he would have never reached top pay. Maybe he should hang around in his union hall and see if someone wants to hire him, even if it is just for a short, temporary job. It sounds like his business enterprise is not very successful.
Click to expand...
He had his moments, but for the most part, not really. Maybe it was because he was hardly ever home to notice. I don’t know. He refuses to sit around and wait for the union hall to call him. He won’t even consider it. He waited for a while, and nothing.
 
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