I don't think I can do this

[pianistclare]

No

Well, arrange for him to pick them up then.

 

[HandyAndy]

Was your husband on board with your decision to use NFP? Intimacy is probably the best way a male can connect with his emotions and express his love. Males pretty much work on a physical level more then an emotional one. Rejection can be very emotionally crippling for a male. If his advances to express his love for you are being turned away on a regular basis…this rejection can lead to retaliatory rejection of you, where it will hurt you the most. He will become distant and absent from the emotional love you are looking for. In effect…he stops chasing you, because the little monkey gets zapped every time he reaches for the pellet.
If intimacy is the problem here…everything else will be as well.

If of course this is not the case…then its probably time to take charge of your life and do for yourself what he could not, or was unwilling to do.

 

[TSB4]

Was your husband on board with your decision to use NFP? Intimacy is probably the best way a male can connect with his emotions and express his love. Males pretty much work on a physical level more then an emotional one. Rejection can be very emotionally crippling for a male. If his advances to express his love for you are being turned away on a regular basis…this rejection can lead to retaliatory rejection of you, where it will hurt you the most. He will become distant and absent from the emotional love you are looking for. In effect…he stops chasing you, because the little monkey gets zapped every time he reaches for the pellet.
If intimacy is the problem here…everything else will be as well.

If of course this is not the case…then its probably time to take charge of your life and do for yourself what he could not, or was unwilling to do.

He was semi on board. He preferred the withdrawal method, honestly. He does express his love through sex and does act out if he doesn’t get it. But that’s not the case now.

 

[HandyAndy]

Perhaps simply ask him why he keeps pushing the people who love him, (his family) out of his life?

If you don’t get an answer that alludes to a fixable problem…its time to start planing YOUR future and put some strategies in place to achieve it. Your children will witness a strong independent women that they will model their lives on. They will know that any relationship that subjects either party to abuse…mental or physical is unacceptable. You will demonstrate to them that as a women and a mother…any man that you choose to be worthy of your attention…will earn that right. Including your husband!

Go for that education and set your sites on that career. Use the facilities around you to help you along the way. You may or may not be in a position to move on your new life for several months…but you can most certainly start getting ready. If he changes his ways in the mean time…bonus. But you will never be this vulnerable again. Start squirreling away some dollars in a separate account.

It is difficult when a career is sacrificed in order to become home husbands or house wives. The child raring stage can last many years and as your spouses career often continues to climb; yours has been shelved for the sake of the children, in the hopes of providing a safe loving home environment for your family. It is an extremely vulnerable position to place one’s self in, being isolated from the outside world and totally in the debt of the salary earner. It is a position that can all too often turn into a relationship of slave and his/her master. The carer of the home and the children is both one of privilege and one of such heart felt rewards…the memories of the silly things our children say and do. The finger print that we leave on their little minds…the influence in the decisions they will make. We are responsible for the next generation. This will be the foot print we leave behind when we finally leave this world. How can one place a monetary value on such a noble and often under valued service to society? Your sacrifice and service has gone unrecognized by your husband. The extra hours of overtime unappreciated. The drive to build a thriving successful home met with disinterest.

You…TSB4, have a large foot print of five children. What will that foot print yield because of the women you are? Because of you…will your children make the world a better place? Will they value add to society, because of the role model you are to become? I hope you and your family will be greater than even you can imagine.

 

[DJgang]

Well, arrange for him to pick them up then.

I really wish you would stop posts like this. I know from the posts that TSB4 has posted that this man isn’t perfect but goodness… She’s pregnant, threatened abortion earlier this week… Husband asked her to go out with friends but it wasn’t enough etc etc and the man didn’t really pack a bag… This man isn’t trying to cause trouble, he just didn’t know how to handle everything.

TSB4 : I can’t imagine one trying to kick a man out of his own home by packing his bags and saying go. Listen, I don’t know exactly what’s going on… But you’ve got to talk to him. Realize he’s just as confused and emotional as you are. You posted before that he is a provider. That you love your family. Work it out girl! Work it out! Talk. Be nice and talk. You are angry, overwhelmed, etc. but did it occur to you that he is too? I know that you dot have it in you to make him happy but he may not have it in him to do likewise for you. You BOTH have to realize it’s all overwhelming. Neither of you are perfect. Just talk. And not talk about him leaving, packing a bag, this or that, talk about what y’all need from each other to make it work! After talking: wipe the slate clean. Don’t go back to something he’s done before, start over.

My husband and I looked in each other’s eyes and said “divorce is not an option” and that’s how we started.

UNLESS he is abusing you, physically or mentally. You need to work this out. And you can’t expect a man to leave his home as well.

I’m done with this now. I’m not going to revisit this thread. I’m sorry for all that is happening.

 

[pianistclare]

I really wish you would stop posts like this. I know from the posts that TSB4 has posted that this man isn’t perfect but goodness… She’s pregnant, threatened abortion earlier this week… Husband asked her to go out with friends but it wasn’t enough etc etc and the man didn’t really pack a bag… This man isn’t trying to cause trouble, he just didn’t know how to handle everything.

TSB4 : I can’t imagine one trying to kick a man out of his own home by packing his bags and saying go. Listen, I don’t know exactly what’s going on… But you’ve got to talk to him. Realize he’s just as confused and emotional as you are. You posted before that he is a provider. That you love your family. Work it out girl! Work it out! Talk. Be nice and talk. You are angry, overwhelmed, etc. but did it occur to you that he is too? I know that you dot have it in you to make him happy but he may not have it in him to do likewise for you. You BOTH have to realize it’s all overwhelming. Neither of you are perfect. Just talk. And not talk about him leaving, packing a bag, this or that, talk about what y’all need from each other to make it work! After talking: wipe the slate clean. Don’t go back to something he’s done before, start over.

My husband and I looked in each other’s eyes and said “divorce is not an option” and that’s how we started.

UNLESS he is abusing you, physically or mentally. You need to work this out. And you can’t expect a man to leave his home as well.

I’m done with this now. I’m not going to revisit this thread. I’m sorry for all that is happening.

Anyone who thinks that what this man is doing to his family is not abusive needs to reevaluate.
She’s tried everything. She has 4 kids and one on the way. Just when do you suppose he will wake up and say “gee, you’re being so NICE to me…I’ll behave?”
Not everyone has a bouquet of roses for a life. He’s the man. She should be his TOP priority. Her health and their children. This is a guy who told her it’s OK to get an abortion!
His head is not in the right place. She needs protection, and he needs a come to Jesus talk. But he has to get away to begin to assess the situation and think clearly. At home, it’s just more of the same. He’s pushed her to the brink. Be “nice?”
I read mental abuse all over her posts.
This didn’t happen overnight. It’s not going to be fixed with a nice meal and lingerie.
Peace.

 

[Xantippe]

DJGang said:

“I really wish you would stop posts like this. I know from the posts that TSB4 has posted that this man isn’t perfect but goodness… She’s pregnant, threatened abortion earlier this week… Husband asked her to go out with friends but it wasn’t enough etc etc and the man didn’t really pack a bag… This man isn’t trying to cause trouble, he just didn’t know how to handle everything.”

Here’s the problem with that. TSB4 has a HUGE problem with standing up for herself and following through. Neither her kids nor her husband listen to her because she has cried wolf a lot. She has lost credibility with her family because she lacks follow through. Furthermore, because her family doesn’t listen to her, her life is intolerable (kids out of control, husband doesn’t believe a word she says).

She told her husband to leave and told us she wouldn’t take his calls–and then she started texting him and not getting answers. Can you see the problem with this? TSB4 has a tendency to go out on a limb with extreme solutions, and then not follow through. She said she’s previously threatened divorce, and now her husband doesn’t believe her when she mentions it.

That may all sound mean. Here’s the thing–I expect TSB4 is a very, very nice person. In real life, I’m probably a lot less nice than she is. However, in real life people listen to me–husband, kids, friends, family, etc. And the reason for that is that I don’t say stuff that I don’t mean. TSB4 has got to stop saying stuff that she is not willing to follow through on. Her communication patterns are killing her credibility within her family.

 

[Xantippe]

Pianistclare said:

“This didn’t happen overnight. It’s not going to be fixed with a nice meal and lingerie.”

Right. The OP also has psychological and emotional issues. It’s worthwhile to see if her husband’s absence will improve her emotional state.

Even just based on her postings in this thread, you can see that the OP has a sort emotional whiplash where she oscillates between being a total doormat and going out on a limb with radical solutions that she isn’t able to follow through on, just as she oscillated between being a super ultra mega Catholic convert-to-be, “trusting God” and having more kids and talking about abortion. There’s no moderation and no predictability in her actions. Both her husband and her kids need predictability. Obviously, her husband has issues of his own, but the OP’s unpredictable behavior has to be a contributing factor to her problems at home.

I’m not in a position to say what exactly this all means, and it’s very unfortunate that the OP is on Medicaid (I hear that even under the best of circumstances, it’s tough to find a good psychiatrist), but I do encourage the OP to pursue whatever medical or counseling help is within her means. You might, for instance, wish to seek testing for bipolar. As a stop-gap, I would definitely encourage you to seek out a level-headed person to run ideas by before you do anything radical.

 

[TSB4]

Pianistclare said:

“This didn’t happen overnight. It’s not going to be fixed with a nice meal and lingerie.”

Right. The OP also has psychological and emotional issues. It’s worthwhile to see if her husband’s absence will improve her emotional state.

Even just based on her postings in this thread, you can see that the OP has a sort emotional whiplash where she oscillates between being a total doormat and going out on a limb with radical solutions that she isn’t able to follow through on, just as she oscillated between being a super ultra mega Catholic convert-to-be, “trusting God” and having more kids and talking about abortion. There’s no moderation and no predictability in her actions. Both her husband and her kids need predictability. Obviously, her husband has issues of his own, but the OP’s unpredictable behavior has to be a contributing factor to her problems at home.

I’m not in a position to say what exactly this all means, and it’s very unfortunate that the OP is on Medicaid (I hear that even under the best of circumstances, it’s tough to find a good psychiatrist), but I do encourage the OP to pursue whatever medical or counseling help is within her means. You might, for instance, wish to seek testing for bipolar. As a stop-gap, I would definitely encourage you to seek out a level-headed person to run ideas by before you do anything radical.

So now I’m bipolar. Awesome.

I have seen multiple psychologists in the past, NONE of which have suggested this and I am VERY open with my thoughts and feelings. But, thank you for the suggestion.

 

[TSB4]

Perhaps my behaviors change drastically because my situations change drastically. You cannot possibly understand the magnitude without physically being here or knowing what I have gone through that got me to this point. I really dislike speaking to people about my feeling for this exact reason. I hate when people try to evaluate me when they don’t know the first thing about how disorders work. Anxiety and panic disorder can cause rash thinking as well. I’ve been through this.

 

[Baby_Bach]

It is difficult when a career is sacrificed in order to become home husbands or house wives. The child raring stage can last many years and as your spouses career often continues to climb; yours has been shelved for the sake of the children, in the hopes of providing a safe loving home environment for your family. It is an extremely vulnerable position to place one’s self in, being isolated from the outside world and totally in the debt of the salary earner.

Pardon me for saying so, but I do not feel a women is put on the back burner being a SAHM. TSB4 loves her children, as I love my own also. Career has been shoved into women’s faces, when a lot of us have a natural instinct to actually want to stay in our homes. And I don’t feel isolated, I have support at church, and my community, and we all stay home with our kids, and I do not consider that isolation. We actually love it! TSB4, you are doing what is right for you kids, it is our goal to get our children, and self to heaven, why then should a career, that just ends at the end of our life be pushed so? Heaven is forever. You don’t need to listen to negative people like this.

 

[Baby_Bach]

I have been following this thread for a while. And it is very difficult to give advice.
You can’t always change another person, but you can change yourself to try and reach him, you don’t need to have him walk all over you obviously, But love is doing what is good for someone else. If he isn’t going to leave, then you need to try something. Be consistent, change everything about how you treat him, no more arguments, don’t even say anything about his phone or computer, he already knows what you think about it. Consistency is *very *important. If you start loving him (I know you already do, but maybe try different tactics?) there could be a possibility he would see that. I am sure he was in love with you when you got married, how can it change to be like that again? Just some thoughts…

 

[mommamaree]

:hug1:

Perhaps my behaviors change drastically because my situations change drastically. You cannot possibly understand the magnitude without physically being here or knowing what I have gone through that got me to this point. I really dislike speaking to people about my feeling for this exact reason. I hate when people try to evaluate me when they don’t know the first thing about how disorders work. Anxiety and panic disorder can cause rash thinking as well. I’ve been through this.

:hug1:
Your situation has been going through drastic changes rapidly. Your husband lost his job, without decent prospects for another. You have four children already, and now a new baby on the way. You have been striving to be obedient to the teachings of the Church regarding marital intimacy and family planning. Your husband has gone the route of network marketing schemes in his desperation. And that is just a few of the things you have shared with us here.
I do not hear any bipolar tendencies in what you say. I have multiple family members who are diagnosed with it and it affects everything. I do, however, sense panic and a sense of being overwhelmed, both of which are legitimate and natural for your situation, not to mention the fact that you also struggle with anxiety and stress on a regular basis.
I do think you are at your wits’ end, and so you have been making rash statements that you either do not our cannot follow through on. That is something you can work on, but not when conflict is always in your face. Have you found a mother’s day out program, or a MOPS group yet? I really think it will do you a world of good to get a few hours away once or twice a week, to think and pray and make friends. In the meantime, try to carve out “mommy time” in your daily schedule. I have always insisted with my children that they respect my coffee time in the morning. After the initial burst of business in the morning, I sit down with my coffee and read or use my computer or make phone calls. I do not cuddle or read books to the kids during that time. It usually is less than one hour, but then I am ready for the next stage of our day. I like to use that time to plan my housework for the day, too. It really can be done. You deserve that time. It helps your day to be more productive and relaxed. And try to let go of perfectionism. I remember a funny joke, how there are three things every mom wants: her sanity, happy family, perfect house. Problem is, you only get to pick two!

Keep your chin up, TSB4! We are still praying for you. You can do this. You can be the mom God wants you to be, but you have to let go of unrealistic expectations, and focus on the little successes and go from there.

 

[TSB4]

:hug1:

:hug1:
Your situation has been going through drastic changes rapidly. Your husband lost his job, without decent prospects for another. You have four children already, and now a new baby on the way. You have been striving to be obedient to the teachings of the Church regarding marital intimacy and family planning. Your husband has gone the route of network marketing schemes in his desperation. And that is just a few of the things you have shared with us here.
I do not hear any bipolar tendencies in what you say. I have multiple family members who are diagnosed with it and it affects everything. I do, however, sense panic and a sense of being overwhelmed, both of which are legitimate and natural for your situation, not to mention the fact that you also struggle with anxiety and stress on a regular basis.
I do think you are at your wits’ end, and so you have been making rash statements that you either do not our cannot follow through on. That is something you can work on, but not when conflict is always in your face. Have you found a mother’s day out program, or a MOPS group yet? I really think it will do you a world of good to get a few hours away once or twice a week, to think and pray and make friends. In the meantime, try to carve out “mommy time” in your daily schedule. I have always insisted with my children that they respect my coffee time in the morning. After the initial burst of business in the morning, I sit down with my coffee and read or use my computer or make phone calls. I do not cuddle or read books to the kids during that time. It usually is less than one hour, but then I am ready for the next stage of our day. I like to use that time to plan my housework for the day, too. It really can be done. You deserve that time. It helps your day to be more productive and relaxed. And try to let go of perfectionism. I remember a funny joke, how there are three things every mom wants: her sanity, happy family, perfect house. Problem is, you only get to pick two!

Keep your chin up, TSB4! We are still praying for you. You can do this. You can be the mom God wants you to be, but you have to let go of unrealistic expectations, and focus on the little successes and go from there.

Thank you. He is back home. I am not speaking to him and I don’t plan to unless absolutely necessary.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Perhaps my behaviors change drastically because my situations change drastically. You cannot possibly understand the magnitude without physically being here or knowing what I have gone through that got me to this point. I really dislike speaking to people about my feeling for this exact reason. I hate when people try to evaluate me when they don’t know the first thing about how disorders work. Anxiety and panic disorder can cause rash thinking as well. I’ve been through this.

You are doing it again, people are offering advice, trying to help and you are making excuses and throwing it back. When you ask for advice people are going to evaluate with the info you provide to give you the best advice possible.

Your attitude suggests you think you are worse off than anyone else. You are not, so you have 4 kids, problems with the hubby, are pregnant and have an anxiety disorder…join the 1000s of other women that probably do as well. You don’t know these people, neither do I and don’t know what they themselves go through. Life is tough and sometimes it’s hard and you struggle to keep it together, we’ve ALL been there…but playing the “woe is me, no one will understand card” will not help.

I know it’s hard, I know it’s tough, you need to seek professional help and LISTEN to their advice. There isn’t a magical easy solution I’m afraid.

 

[Xantippe]

TSB4 said:

“He is back home. I am not speaking to him and I don’t plan to unless absolutely necessary.”

???

See, taking him back is another one of these walk-backs that I was talking about. You stake out an untenable position (kicking him out) that you aren’t willing to live with (you can’t bring yourself to pack up his stuff and set it out) and then you let him back, nullifying your initial move.

Then your next move is to follow that up with another untenable position (not talking to him). If he’s going to be living under the same roof as you, you have to talk to him. There’s no point in letting him back if you aren’t going to talk to him immediately. If he’s living under one roof with you, you’re eventually going to cave (just as you couldn’t keep yourself from texting him after you said you weren’t going to take his calls). There is absolutely no point in not talking to him, especially since you’re eventually going to cave. Talking is the only way you have of expressing your needs and your feelings. Who, exactly are you punishing by not sharing those with him? (Hint: It’s not him.)

I’m thinking more and more that solo marriage counseling is a good idea. Stop being so impulsive with regard to major stuff. Slow down. Be consistent. Also, you’re blaming your panic issues for your impulsive behavior. How about working harder on that?

There’s a very well-established pattern just in this thread of erratic, illogical and self-undermining behavior. I know you feel that your husband is the problem (just like he feels that you are the problem) or the size of your family is the problem, but I think it’s time for you to look at you. It might not be possible to do much with medication until after your baby is born, but I think now is a good time to start laying the ground work by being evaluated and setting up a relationship with relevant medical people.

 

[HandyAndy]

To let go of ones dreams of a family, loving husband and the white picket fence…extremely hard to do.
To change ones personality or demeanor to be assertive, strong and independent…also extremely hard to do.
To envisage a different future that may not include the father of your children…difficult.
The chaos whilst unpleasant is predictable and known…to abandon this life for that which is unknown, with no guarantees or certainties is daunting.
Starting a career in order to support a new life with 5 children in tow…also daunting.

I most certainly understand TSB4’s indecision. These are big concerns and it is all well and good for us to make the suggestions…but she will be the one who has to actually live them.

What ever we do…we do because we get a pay off for doing it. We also don’t change what we should because of the fear of failure. “Better the devil you know”.

My thoughts is for you to start taking small steps to gain your independence within your marriage. Steps to gain control of your children so as to control your day. Then once you have brought about some order to the day…education. Small victories soon turn into bigger victories.

Your husband may or may not change…the only person you really control is you…the rest can only ever be influenced.

 

[DAML72]

Sorry it took me so long to reply.

I don’t have a church to turn to. I am not catholic, but, I have always been interested in joining. A very dear friend of mine is Catholic and she has been supportive in ways I can’t even describe. My husband is a cradle catholic, however, he isn’t involved in church either.

I don’t really have an update other than tomorrow I will be calling a divorce attorney. I believe that my marriage is over. He completely lacks compassion, respect, amongst other things. We are both very frustrated right now. Him because he is trying to get financially stable. Me because I feel super lonely and stressed out. I find myself yelling allot more lately which I HATE about myself. I grew up around lots of yelling and cursing.

He is going on a week log vacation to Miami on Tuesday. He is involved in a network marketing business which he says he has to show “lifestyle” to get others to join underneath him. Although I don’t agree with him taking a week long vacation, especially now, he is still going. We are arguing allot more. I just want to be done with him.

I am still pregnant. I’ll be 13 weeks soon, so I am feeling better as far as being sick al the time. However, I’m still very unhappy about this pregnancy. I feel zero attachment to it. To add, I don’t think I will be able to raise 5 children on my own.

It’s all just very unfortunate and I have allot of regret looking back. I’m going to leave with NOTHING because over the years, ive given him and the kids everything!

Just wanted to update you all.

Trust me on this, divorce is NOT the answer. It will just compound your problems and your misery. If you think being a mom is hard now, wait until you are trying to parent children who are acting out because of the trauma that divorce has inflicted upon them. Trust me - I’ve been through it. Being a single parent is REALLY HARD. And divorce is a loss that never heals - for anyone. I’m sitting here now surfing this forum because I am completely alone - my kids are with their Dad this weekend, and my family is 5 hours away.

I don’t want to make assumptions, but it does seem to me that you should consider seeking some help - whether through a church or an organization such as Birthright, or just seeking the help of a therapist.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t think anyone is suggesting divorce.
I think most people believe that her husband needs a wake up call, and she needs counseling to deal with the stress.

Prayers offered.

 

[TSB4]

You are doing it again, people are offering advice, trying to help and you are making excuses and throwing it back. When you ask for advice people are going to evaluate with the info you provide to give you the best advice possible.

Your attitude suggests you think you are worse off than anyone else. You are not, so you have 4 kids, problems with the hubby, are pregnant and have an anxiety disorder…join the 1000s of other women that probably do as well. You don’t know these people, neither do I and don’t know what they themselves go through. Life is tough and sometimes it’s hard and you struggle to keep it together, we’ve ALL been there…but playing the “woe is me, no one will understand card” will not help.

I know it’s hard, I know it’s tough, you need to seek professional help and LISTEN to their advice. There isn’t a magical easy solution I’m afraid.

What advice has she offered? Aside from station I have a serious mental health disorder such as bipolar? I was defending that I don’t. I stand by that. I have been evaluated by more than one doctor and I can assure you, I do not have bipolar. But thanks anyway.