I don't think I can do this

[TSB4]

TSB4 said:

“He is back home. I am not speaking to him and I don’t plan to unless absolutely necessary.”

???

See, taking him back is another one of these walk-backs that I was talking about. You stake out an untenable position (kicking him out) that you aren’t willing to live with (you can’t bring yourself to pack up his stuff and set it out) and then you let him back, nullifying your initial move.

Then your next move is to follow that up with another untenable position (not talking to him). If he’s going to be living under the same roof as you, you have to talk to him. There’s no point in letting him back if you aren’t going to talk to him immediately. If he’s living under one roof with you, you’re eventually going to cave (just as you couldn’t keep yourself from texting him after you said you weren’t going to take his calls). There is absolutely no point in not talking to him, especially since you’re eventually going to cave. Talking is the only way you have of expressing your needs and your feelings. Who, exactly are you punishing by not sharing those with him? (Hint: It’s not him.)

I’m thinking more and more that solo marriage counseling is a good idea. Stop being so impulsive with regard to major stuff. Slow down. Be consistent. Also, you’re blaming your panic issues for your impulsive behavior. How about working harder on that?

There’s a very well-established pattern just in this thread of erratic, illogical and self-undermining behavior. I know you feel that your husband is the problem (just like he feels that you are the problem) or the size of your family is the problem, but I think it’s time for you to look at you. It might not be possible to do much with medication until after your baby is born, but I think now is a good time to start laying the ground work by being evaluated and setting up a relationship with relevant medical people.

When he first came back, no I wasn’t speaking to him. I never stated I would never be speaking to him again. I didn’t know what I was goin to say and wanted to collect my thoughts. Not to mention, I was busy with our children to have the time. Again with my mental state being an issue. Has anyone read the part where the ONLY disorder I have is anxiety and panic disorder? There is no bipolar and I will not be taking medication for this. I had it under control before and I will work to get back there.

 

[TSB4]

Trust me on this, divorce is NOT the answer. It will just compound your problems and your misery. If you think being a mom is hard now, wait until you are trying to parent children who are acting out because of the trauma that divorce has inflicted upon them. Trust me - I’ve been through it. Being a single parent is REALLY HARD. And divorce is a loss that never heals - for anyone. I’m sitting here now surfing this forum because I am completely alone - my kids are with their Dad this weekend, and my family is 5 hours away.

I don’t want to make assumptions, but it does seem to me that you should consider seeking some help - whether through a church or an organization such as Birthright, or just seeking the help of a therapist.

Thanks. As it stands right now he wants to go to counseling. Totally unprovoked by me, so we shall see how it goes.

I have reached out to a church, parenting classes etc… I don’t know why people on here are continuing to make it seem as tho I am not putting forth any effort and letting my “bipolar behavior” go untreated.

 

[pianistclare]

Thanks. As it stands right now he wants to go to counseling. Totally unprovoked by me, so we shall see how it goes.

Awesome. I hope it goes well…it may take a while for you to see a real change, but it’s a start. Happy for you. Small steps. Your candle is still burning.
Peace.

 

[TSB4]

Awesome. I hope it goes well…it may take a while for you to see a real change, but it’s a start. Happy for you. Small steps. Your candle is still burning.
Peace.

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[DoGodsBidding]

Thanks. As it stands right now he wants to go to counseling. Totally unprovoked by me, so we shall see how it goes.

I have reached out to a church, parenting classes etc… I don’t know why people on here are continuing to make it seem as tho I am not putting forth any effort and letting my “bipolar behavior” go untreated.

That’s a good sign that he suggested counseling. Keep up the good work. I will continue to pray for you.

DGB

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Pianistclare said:

“This didn’t happen overnight. It’s not going to be fixed with a nice meal and lingerie.”

Right. The OP also has psychological and emotional issues. It’s worthwhile to see if her husband’s absence will improve her emotional state.

Even just based on her postings in this thread, you can see that the OP has a sort emotional whiplash where she oscillates between being a total doormat and going out on a limb with radical solutions that she isn’t able to follow through on, just as she oscillated between being a super ultra mega Catholic convert-to-be, “trusting God” and having more kids and talking about abortion. There’s no moderation and no predictability in her actions. Both her husband and her kids need predictability. Obviously, her husband has issues of his own, but the OP’s unpredictable behavior has to be a contributing factor to her problems at home.

I’m not in a position to say what exactly this all means, and it’s very unfortunate that the OP is on Medicaid (I hear that even under the best of circumstances, it’s tough to find a good psychiatrist), but I do encourage the OP to pursue whatever medical or counseling help is within her means. You might, for instance, wish to seek testing for bipolar. As a stop-gap, I would definitely encourage you to seek out a level-headed person to run ideas by before you do anything radical.

Bipolar doesn’t mean changing your mind, or just being moody. It’s a mental illness where a person cycles through depressive and manic periods (manic being where they can become highly energetic, impulsive or even prone to psychosis). And contrary to popular belief, the cycles can occur over weeks or even months, not multiple times in one day.

I know people throw around the word ‘bipolar’ a lot but I think it’s really best not to.

I’m glad the OP’s husband has changed his mind about counselling

 

[Xantippe]

SpidersfromMars said:

“Bipolar doesn’t mean changing your mind, or just being moody. It’s a mental illness where a person cycles through depressive and manic periods (manic being where they can become highly energetic, impulsive or even prone to psychosis). And contrary to popular belief, the cycles can occur over weeks or even months, not multiple times in one day.”

I said she should be evaluated for it, not that she had it. I definitely feel that her mental health is being undertreated. It’s like there’s a tornado in the OP’s head and she is getting tossed around by it. Her complaints have been about her husband and how hard it is to deal with so many kids, and I’m sure it wouldn’t be easy under the best of circumstances, but I feel like the psychological problem is actually primary. If what she wants changes multiple times a day, it’s not a surprise that she’s not getting what she wants and that her husband and kids are balky. Presumably, they know from experience that all they have to do is wait mom out, and eventually she’ll forget or change her mind.

I feel like that is really the core issue–without consistency from her, there really cannot be improvement from her husband or the kids.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

What advice has she offered? Aside from station I have a serious mental health disorder such as bipolar? I was defending that I don’t. I stand by that. I have been evaluated by more than one doctor and I can assure you, I do not have bipolar. But thanks anyway.

Now now be fair, she didn’t say you HAD bipolar, she SUGGESTED an evaluation ie go and talk to someone. Even if its not bipolar or anything definitive, I still think you should have some sort of talking therapy. It might help.

 

[TSB4]

Now now be fair, she didn’t say you HAD bipolar, she SUGGESTED an evaluation ie go and talk to someone. Even if its not bipolar or anything definitive, I still think you should have some sort of talking therapy. It might help.

Again, I have already been evaluated and I’m already taking the steps to find the right fit of a therapist.

 

[Baby_Bach]

Last night I recalled a homily a priest gave, he said that if a couple were to hold each other each night, or morning (whoever wakes first) that can save a marriage. He said it did save a couple from divorce when he gave them that advice. I’m not saying this works for everyone, but it is worth a shot. Up to you, but maybe ask your husband to just hold you. If he does, I would do the same for him, the next night, and repeat it for several nights, it has saved marriage before! Praying for you.

 

[faithsmind]

Hi TSB, I hate labels, too lol! But you have to realize, these people are dedicated on here, they’ve spent a lot of hours on here with good intentions in trying to help you and your children. Please just know that.
So, I was just popping in again:blush:
Don’t really have time to do so, but the reason I keep reading up on this is because your story was my story. Only I finally did leave my husband. But I am writing now because I want you to know that after leaving, I was faced with 2 years of horrible, horrible struggles just to make it on my own, including racking up about 75,000 in legal fees. Don’t think that you will be “happier” as Et Cetera stated, if you leave him. Your problems will not go away. Your kids will still be difficult, and you will have the bigger battle of divorce (or the leftover wreckage of this marriage) to contend with. You will not fit in anywhere, socially, and will become distanced and/or despised by half of the friends you do have. You will have to work everyday and then come home exhausted after a day of (nursing?) to cook dinner for 5 small kids and wrestle them all into bed by yourself each night, crash right next to them, and then wake up and do it all over again. Don’t fool yourself that things will be any better than they are right now. I especially don’t recommend it for you because, by what you are telling us, it doesn’t seem to be an especially dangerous situation. I believe there is hope because you can change a relationship by changing your own footwork (how YOU interact with him). The only way to do this is to stop trying to get a reaction with your words. I understand you feel powerless right now, and that is why you are speaking in extremes. But this doesn’t work, especially for those males that are self-absorbed in what they believe to be. They only seem to understand actions. Even after I left my husband, he still couldn’t understand that I would never come back. It took a divorce to finally make it sink through. Even then he literally lost his mind for 2 months after the divorce trying to make the connection.

I really think that you have to stop reacting out of emotion to your children and to your husband. Detach yourself emotionally from the man. Stop expecting anything from him. Separate from him EMOTIONALLY! Not physically. Find your own peace within you. I remember you said somewhere on here that you need to work at being at peace when he is gone. BINGO!

That is why I recommended the rosary. Maybe it sounds out of touch to everyone, maybe it sounds silly and useless. But I am actually very, very in touch with what you are going through.

 

[pianistclare]

Hi TSB, I hate labels, too lol! But you have to realize, these people are dedicated on here, they’ve spent a lot of hours on here with good intentions in trying to help you and your children. Please just know that.
So, I was just popping in again:blush:
Don’t really have time to do so, but the reason I keep reading up on this is because your story was my story. Only I finally did leave my husband. But I am writing now because I want you to know that after leaving, I was faced with 2 years of horrible, horrible struggles just to make it on my own, including racking up about 75,000 in legal fees. Don’t think that you will be “happier” as Et Cetera stated, if you leave him. Your problems will not go away. Your kids will still be difficult, and you will have the bigger battle of divorce (or the leftover wreckage of this marriage) to contend with. You will not fit in anywhere, socially, and will become distanced and/or despised by half of the friends you do have. You will have to work everyday and then come home exhausted after a day of (nursing?) to cook dinner for 5 small kids and wrestle them all into bed by yourself each night, crash right next to them, and then wake up and do it all over again. Don’t fool yourself that things will be any better than they are right now. I especially don’t recommend it for you because, by what you are telling us, it doesn’t seem to be an especially dangerous situation. I believe there is hope because you can change a relationship by changing your own footwork (how YOU interact with him). The only way to do this is to stop trying to get a reaction with your words. I understand you feel powerless right now, and that is why you are speaking in extremes. But this doesn’t work, especially for those males that are self-absorbed in what they believe to be. They only seem to understand actions. Even after I left my husband, he still couldn’t understand that I would never come back. It took a divorce to finally make it sink through. Even then he literally lost his mind for 2 months after the divorce trying to make the connection.

I really think that you have to stop reacting out of emotion to your children and to your husband. Detach yourself emotionally from the man. Stop expecting anything from him. Separate from him EMOTIONALLY! Not physically. Find your own peace within you. I remember you said somewhere on here that you need to work at being at peace when he is gone. BINGO!

That is why I recommended the rosary. Maybe it sounds out of touch to everyone, maybe it sounds silly and useless. But I am actually very, very in touch with what you are going through.

This is the most depressing thing I have read on CAF.

I don’t think anyone is seriously advocating divorce. Most are advocating a wake up call.

Her story is my story as well. I have my own horrors, but I won’t burden her with them.
Let’s try to keep it positive , eh?
just sayin…

 

[oneofmany]

Well sometimes, more often than not, divorce just brings more problems, plus it drains the couple of money given to lawyers.

I don’t recommend divorce for anyone. Therapy and more therapy first. Divorce should be the final straw in any case and only used for cases of addiction, abuse or infidelity.

 

[Xantippe]

faithsmind said:

“You will have to work everyday and then come home exhausted after a day of (nursing?) to cook dinner for 5 small kids and wrestle them all into bed by yourself each night, crash right next to them, and then wake up and do it all over again.”

The OP has two kids that are biggish (almost 8 and around 6?)–this is not a family with five under five. Normally, kids that size are capable of being pretty helpful.

So, it’s not quite the situation you are describing.

 

[faithsmind]

It’s easy to think the grass is greener on the other side. I’m trying to paint her a realistic picture of the other side, give her a wake-up call, and demonstrate to her that she can’t run from her problems. Xanthippe, her kids do not behave the way yours do. Plus, she will have a newborn. We have to be realistic, here. Yes, there are things she can do to get them to help, but the point is that divorce won’t make it better.

 

[MJJean]

It’s easy to think the grass is greener on the other side. I’m trying to paint her a realistic picture of the other side, give her a wake-up call, and demonstrate to her that she can’t run from her problems. Xanthippe, her kids do not behave the way yours do. Plus, she will have a newborn. We have to be realistic, here. Yes, there are things she can do to get them to help, but the point is that divorce won’t make it better.

I have to disagree. From what I understand, the husbands “business” has involved spending their rapidly shrinking savings on trips to Miami and casino’s. He has not actually been paid for anything he is doing. Staying married to this man might be worse than leaving and going it on her own. If he doesn’t decide to get a real job and soon, he may end up financially ruining the family.

At least if OP legally separates or divorces she can work, her bank account will not be marital property and not subject to her husbands debts or his spending habits, and she’ll be able to provide a roof over her kids heads and some financial stability. If she has to have state or federal aid to do it, so be it.

I’d also like to add that not all divorces are a disaster. Mine was one of the happiest days of my life. I can say without question that my kids and I are much better off without my ex husband than we could ever have been with him in our lives.

 

[faithsmind]

MJJean:
Did you have 4 small children, no degree or work experience, including little or no support system and a baby to deliver?

 

[Xantippe]

faithsmind said:

“It’s easy to think the grass is greener on the other side. I’m trying to paint her a realistic picture of the other side, give her a wake-up call, and demonstrate to her that she can’t run from her problems. Xanthippe, her kids do not behave the way yours do. Plus, she will have a newborn. We have to be realistic, here. Yes, there are things she can do to get them to help, but the point is that divorce won’t make it better.”

My oldest is on the autism spectrum. She was very, very, very difficult as a 6-year-old and 7-year-old (I explain difficult in what ways elsewhere in this thread). However, that was also the turning point where we, as her parents (and especially I), read a pile of books, sent her to lots of therapy (psychologist, horse, physical), worked really hard with maintaining communications with school, did a points system with her at home for behavior, did a lot of positive reinforcement, and eventually managed to turn her around. It was really HARD for about two years and she is certainly not perfect today at 11 (I’m still wondering whether we shouldn’t put her on some ADHD medication to help her focus on school work), but she’s come really far.

 

[MJJean]

MJJean:
Did you have 4 small children, no degree or work experience, including little or no support system and a baby to deliver?

I had 3 small children, no degree or work experience other than fast food, and no family left. So, yeah, I was pretty close to the OP’s situation.

 

[Listener]

Regarding the husband’s carpenter job that he lost - something seems kind of fishy to me. She says he had reached top pay in the union. He says he lost his job because he had to stay home and take care of this wife.

The way this usually works is that the jobs you get in a carpenters’ union normally have beginnings and endings. Some are long and some are short. The jobs can be with different companies. If your job is over, you normally go down to the union hall and wait for your name to get to the top of the list.

She says he just refuses to wait around for them to call him. These days with cell phones, people simply don’t have to sit by their home phone any more hoping that someone will call them.

If I was him, I would march straight down to the union hall and demand to know where my name was on the list. Then I would sit in the union hall and talk on the phone to my marketing buddies to show the people running the union hall how popular I am!

The thought has occurred to me that perhaps he doesn’t have a job because he reached top pay. Maybe someone is deleting his name from the list because the companies want younger men who cost less.

I hope he is continuing to pay his union dues.