I dont understand

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banser123

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Hello all
I am new to this site and I need help.
I have been deeply hurt in a relationship. I know this may seem shallow but please try to understand. This girl was a close friend of mine and is a coworker. She has many problems in her life and a very bad past. She has 2 kids, one has a disability. There is too much to mention. She is emotional unstable and has reason to be with all the hardships she has had to deal with. She is pretty much alone (no family) and has trust issues. But she is a nice person, doesnt do drugs, doesnt drink, etc… She just has emotional problems.

To make a long story short, she invited me in her life and we started dating. She told me she was so happy to have me in her life and I meant so much to her because I cared for her and she really appreciated that. Then she just cut me off. I gave her my heart and did so many good things for her and her kids. She said she was scared to be let down in the future, because she always has been.

I have been praying to Jesus everyday, more than once a day. I go to mass every sunday, or saturday evening and I attend daily mass everyday before I go to work.
I pray not only for our reconciliation but for Jesus to help her emotional instability. I only want to make her happy. I am suffering badly and I dont understand why Jesus has not helped me. I am asking for something that will not only help me but her and her kids, and thats a healthy relationship. I pray and cry everynight but I am still suffering. I am a good person with a good heart, so why do I continue to suffer with sadness. Please help me Jesus.
 
Hey! What’s shallow about a broken relationship and the hurt you feel. There isn’t one of us who won’t regard this as important, I’m sure.

I’m truly sorry you’re hurting. You sound like a wonderful, loving, generous person.
You’ve come up against someone else’s free will…and as a priest wrote to me once, “Free-will is a two-edged sword pointing directly at the heart of God.” Jesus couldn’t change Judas’ direction. Even up to the last minute He hoped to change Judas’ mind by quietly letting him know He knew Judas’ bad decision, one that led to his destruction.
Even with a gentle warning, He couldn’t stop Peter from rejected Him at the time He needed friends, and people to have faith in Him most.

I do as it happens understand that kind of self-destructiveness that results from a wounded person who cannot accept what is best for them, who cannot really believe in their lovability. I could have been that person. I’m not, because I cared too much about other people.

You can’t change your girl’s heart if she is absolutely determined to reject your generous love, any more than God can force us to remain with Him, to choose Him. He can’t, because free will is a sacred gift.

There is no joy and consolation in praying for someone when you are personally helpless to help them. It’s torture, and I think you’d probably describe your sorrow and loss as torture. But your prayers dear brother in Christ are great gifts stored up for the children’s needs and salvation, and for hers. It is so difficult for we human beings to think in terms of the end result of our lives and our prayers, because we live in the now, the often lonely now.

I hold out my hand to you as a fellow prayer and a fellow weekday Mass-goer, and beg you to continue to pray, and to hope in God. Your ex-girlfriend may be one whose faith and trust is so wounded that no amount of love can fill her up, that whether you stayed together of not, you would always be giving, giving, and yet, at a moment’s notice, all will crash down again. It could be that God wants more for you even if you don’t want it…in time, a more equal relationship. I don’t know, Love, and I will pray for you. Love, Trishie
 
Thank you Trishie,
What you say makes sense, but it hurts so much. I know I may have to forget her but its difficult because I know she has been through so much and its not in my nature to give up on someone I care about.
Do you think there is any chance this can work? And if not how much longer do I have to suffer? Because it is torture that I am feeling and I dont know how much more I can take. I feel betryaed by someone I care about and helped so much and just dont understand why Jesus is letting me suffer like this.
 
Only God knows what the future holds and He knows what is best for us even if at times we are blinded to it. Pray for discernment, pray for healing but most of all pray. And I will keep you in my prayers as well.
 
banser123 said:
Thank you Trishie,
What you say makes sense, but it hurts so much. I know I may have to forget her but its difficult because I know she has been through so much and its not in my nature to give up on someone I care about.
Do you think there is any chance this can work? And if not how much longer do I have to suffer? Because it is torture that I am feeling and I dont know how much more I can take. I feel betryaed by someone I care about and helped so much and just dont understand why Jesus is letting me suffer like this.
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I understand. But it isn’t Jesus who is making you suffer but the choices of someone who is psychologically injured, and your own responses to her rejection. People who are psychologically injured can be very generous, or they can be very self-absorbed, and unable to commit to anyone deeply or for long. You will probably find she has been making these kind of self destructive choices all her life. It means a person may seem like a victim, but they are also in the habit of making themselves into victims even when it isn’t necessary. It *isn’t *necessary here, but only she can break the pattern…except that she may not be able to, as people can become addicted even to such self-defeating behaviours. Being a ‘rescuer’ is a risky business. Yours hasn’t been an equal relationship, and that is always risky. You have growing to do even though that’s painful. I ask God to help you grow in the way you need to, and that she can.
 
Thank you all. I am sorry to vent but I feel very saddened and empty. I love her and gave her my heart and did GOOD and now I am suffering.
Do you think she really did like me and want me in her life, like she said she did numerous tmes, or do you think it was all a game?
 
Dear Lord, when we love someone and they don’t love us back this is very painful. Banser123 is going through the pain of this experience. Please heal his broken heart. Amen.
 
Hail Mary,
full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
 
Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. I just will continue to pray for her as well as myself. I hope I can help her and i hope she can understand that I want to make her and her kids happy. But I know its in God’s hands and I will pray and hope for the best. She is not a bad person, just misguided and I hope things will get better for her
 
Hi banser im so sorry for your distress probably most of us have been there in some way or another and we do all sympathise.Be her friend.Put no pressure on her for a relationship,just be friendly dont push things at all.Maybe in time she will see you can be trusted even if you just remain as friends you are definitely helping her but you never know what the future holds.Pray about this and please just be friendly and dont push at all im sure things will improve then.You are in my prayers God bless

Lord
for banser and his former girlfriend please lead both of them in the right direction.May they be guided by You Lord.Bless them both and may they be happy in their lives and find fullfilment.Whatever Your plan is for them Almighty Father may they feel Your love surround them and may bansers faith grow stronger to trust in You.
O Sared heart of Jesus we put out trust in You.Amen
 
Trishie said:
Hey! What’s shallow about a broken relationship and the hurt you feel. There isn’t one of us who won’t regard this as important, I’m sure.

I’m truly sorry you’re hurting. You sound like a wonderful, loving, generous person.
You’ve come up against someone else’s free will…and as a priest wrote to me once, “Free-will is a two-edged sword pointing directly at the heart of God.” Jesus couldn’t change Judas’ direction. Even up to the last minute He hoped to change Judas’ mind by quietly letting him know He knew Judas’ bad decision, one that led to his destruction.
Even with a gentle warning, He couldn’t stop Peter from rejected Him at the time He needed friends, and people to have faith in Him most.

I do as it happens understand that kind of self-destructiveness that results from a wounded person who cannot accept what is best for them, who cannot really believe in their lovability. I could have been that person. I’m not, because I cared too much about other people.

You can’t change your girl’s heart if she is absolutely determined to reject your generous love, any more than God can force us to remain with Him, to choose Him. He can’t, because free will is a sacred gift.

There is no joy and consolation in praying for someone when you are personally helpless to help them. It’s torture, and I think you’d probably describe your sorrow and loss as torture. But your prayers dear brother in Christ are great gifts stored up for the children’s needs and salvation, and for hers. It is so difficult for we human beings to think in terms of the end result of our lives and our prayers, because we live in the now, the often lonely now.

I hold out my hand to you as a fellow prayer and a fellow weekday Mass-goer, and beg you to continue to pray, and to hope in God. Your ex-girlfriend may be one whose faith and trust is so wounded that no amount of love can fill her up, that whether you stayed together of not, you would always be giving, giving, and yet, at a moment’s notice, all will crash down again. It could be that God wants more for you even if you don’t want it…in time, a more equal relationship. I don’t know, Love, and I will pray for you. Love, Trishie
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A big Amen to this…Trishie’s words are so wonderful…and know I will keep you in y prayers.
 
Thank you all for your prayers. It makes me feel really nice to know that I have people that care and pray for me. I will continue to pray for her and her child, who is disabled. I will trust that Jesus is looking out for us and that he will make things beter.
This forum is very special to me andI am grateful to have friends that care.
God bless all of you.
 
banser123 said:
Thank you all. I am sorry to vent but I feel very saddened and empty. I love her and gave her my heart and did GOOD and now I am suffering.
Do you think she really did like me and want me in her life, like she said she did numerous tmes, or do you think it was all a game?
Click to expand...
Venting’s fine. Sometimes it helps us to work through our emotions.
No, I don’t think it was a game, Love.
I think that it may be that she just wasn’t emotionally able to follow through on what was offered, however valuable, probably for reasons given above. I think she found it easier to stay with the difficult present status than risk something deeper. It can be easier for some people to be sorry for themselves than to welcome help. Definitely not everyone, but some people, and some people don’t value themselves enough to really accept another’s love.

It’s not in *your *nature I think, but really, there are people who can see something wonderful but still upon consideration, reject it, and it’s often a lifelong pattern they don’t know how to break and in an odd way, don’t wish to. It is a ‘cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face’ as the saying goes, and others can wear themselves out trying to change that. People can’t always change. I recall a Capuchin novice who said to me. “I know I have a vocation. Now I just need to follow through.” He didn’t. He left.

If this is God’s invitation to you to examine what might attract you in someone, I hope you can find a way to get help in examining your own deep motivations. I do feel for you in your hurt and sense of betrayal.
Lord please help him to get over this grief and to find a healthy path to happiness.
 
Thank you again. I want to be her friend and if she ever needs anything i would like to help her. I hope things work out and I hope I can find happiness again.
I just hope I am not being selfish by praying so much for her stability and our reconciliation. I do care for others and i am grateful for everythin God had given me. I just care for her so much that it has been my focal point lately. I hope this is ok.
 
banser when you said “I want to be her friend” thats the answer I think.Be her friend let her relax and trust you then see where things do or do not go.Dont put pressure on her for more though because she might run a mile(as she has been so hurt before).I will keep you both in my prayers.God bless
Lord
please guide banser to help this lady and be there for her but also to be true to himself.Bless him and the lady and her 2 children.May they all find peace and know Your love for each of them Lord.Your will be done we pray.Amen
 
Hello everyone,
Just to give an update. Things have been going a little better. We have been talking more at work. She feels as though the other girls at work dont like her. So I have been being really nice to her.
I went to visit her at home last night, for the first time in 4 months since we stopped dating. Her kids were so happy, hugging me and asking me to come back. Her son is disabled, he had a surgery so i brought him a gift.
She told me after I left that she was glad I came to visit and wants me to come more often.
So I will take it slow. Im glad we are better friends now and hope it continues.
Thank you all for listening and any comments would be appreciaed.
 
Good news my friend keep things nice and SLOW.Being her friend is important she will really appreciate you for that.Give her a lot of time.Maybe she will trust you more and want to rekindle things romantically.Maybe though she wont,she may want to remain friends.This way though you will both have a good trust and friendship.Who knows what Gods plan is for you or your friend only He knows.Keep praying the Lord hears and answers prayers.God bless you both.

Lord
thankyou for the many wonderful blessings You give us Your children.Thankyou for our friend banser and his friend enabling their friendship to blossom.Bless them both and her children.May they all live in peace and harmony.Through Jesus Christ our Lord Amen
 
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