I don't want a large family

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NurseyJ

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I am and active, practicing Catholic, love TOB and am against birth control. I know very much what a contraceptive attitude is an am against it. My husband and I have 2 kids and practice NFP between births. While we are open to any new life that God may bless us with, I really can’t see us (pragmatically) having more than 3 kids.

Without going into specifics, I believe we have serious enough reasons for limiting our family size. I guess I just feel a little judged by large-family minded Catholics (maybe I’m judging myself?). Like, unless you have 6+ kids like them, you’re being selfish or you aren’t “Catholic enough”. Has anyone ever felt this way?

I also feel judged for being a part-time working mom. I WOULD LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom, but my husband doesn’t make very good money. I guess it’s my fault for not marrying someone richer? (I’m being facetious). I guess I’m just struggling with feeling like I don’t fit the good Catholic homeschooling mom mold :-/. Your thoughts/feedback are appreciated.
 
If I were you, I’d “get over” it right now. Everyone feels judged on something. My homeschool friends with smaller families are defensive in homeschool circles. My friends with larger families feel defensive in their parishes and families. My friends with money feel defensive with less wealthy families. My friends who eat convenience foods feel defensive with the earth moms. The earth moms feel defensive with nonearth moms. My SAHM friends are constantly defending their choice. My Working mom friends are defending their choice.Vaccination, homeschooling, parental discipline. Traditional Catholics. It never stops.

Recently I found myself being defensive with a very athletic family explaining why we don’t do athletics. I feel the same way with very musical families. We don’t go to Daily Mass (too stressful for me with my kids). I feel like a bad Catholic around the daily Mass families.

I think it’s probably human nature to think that the choice you discern for your family are the best ones (why else would you choose it?), so it’s human nature to compare and be judgey Better just to let it roll off your back.

Family size between you and your dh and God. pray. pray. pray. I wouldn’t once explain or defend it to anyone.

I’m sure had Adam and Eve been obedient, we wouldn’t feel these social pressures. We’d just be happy if God was happy with us.

Let it go. I say that in a loving way since I too go through these feelings, too.

🙂
 
NurseyJ said:
I am and active, practicing Catholic, love TOB and am against birth control. I know very much what a contraceptive attitude is an am against it. My husband and I have 2 kids and practice NFP between births. While we are open to any new life that God may bless us with, I really can’t see us (pragmatically) having more than 3 kids.

Without going into specifics, I believe we have serious enough reasons for limiting our family size. I guess I just feel a little judged by large-family minded Catholics (maybe I’m judging myself?). Like, unless you have 6+ kids like them, you’re being selfish or you aren’t “Catholic enough”. Has anyone ever felt this way?

I also feel judged for being a part-time working mom. I WOULD LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom, but my husband doesn’t make very good money. I guess it’s my fault for not marrying someone richer? (I’m being facetious). I guess I’m just struggling with feeling like I don’t fit the good Catholic homeschooling mom mold :-/. Your thoughts/feedback are appreciated.
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It sounds like you are judging others and yourself in one fell swoop. We could go into the deep meaning of imposing your own self-judgments upon others, but lets not. Just try to be charitable to yourself and others. Most large families know how abundantly blessed they are to have their large brood, and how precious this gift from God is. Same goes for homeschooling. Most know (maybe not all) that God does not grant 6+ kids to every family, even if they want them.

Pray to Our Lord for the acceptance of your family circumstances. Sounds like you have an ideal in your head of what a family should be, and you don’t match up to your expectations. Just try to live up to God’s expectations and you’ll be fine.

God bless!
 
NurseyJ said:
I am and active, practicing Catholic, love TOB and am against birth control. I know very much what a contraceptive attitude is an am against it. My husband and I have 2 kids and practice NFP between births. While we are open to any new life that God may bless us with, I really can’t see us (pragmatically) having more than 3 kids.

Without going into specifics, I believe we have serious enough reasons for limiting our family size. I guess I just feel a little judged by large-family minded Catholics (maybe I’m judging myself?). Like, unless you have 6+ kids like them, you’re being selfish or you aren’t “Catholic enough”. Has anyone ever felt this way?

I also feel judged for being a part-time working mom. I WOULD LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom, but my husband doesn’t make very good money. I guess it’s my fault for not marrying someone richer? (I’m being facetious). I guess I’m just struggling with feeling like I don’t fit the good Catholic homeschooling mom mold :-/. Your thoughts/feedback are appreciated.
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well I can certainly sympathize with you :console:

My DH and I have 3 kids with 1 on the way and although I honestly LOVE the idea of large families I know that it’s just not in the cards for us. My outside help has diminsihed greatly since the birth of our youngest and it’s not going to improve much in the future. Finances have been difficult as of late…I also work part time and I love it…I love being able to get out of the house 2 nights a week and on Sat afternoon. However I do feel guilty for not loving being a stay at home mom…I was miserable as one and I was also miserable as a full time working mom. My husband also doesn’t make a lot and is in the process of taking pre-reqs to get into nursing school…when that happens I will bump up my hours and he will take time off to do school full time. In the long run that will be worth it since nursing is a pretty stable and well paid career and my husband can handle stress like no one else I know lol!

I have 2 kids who have some learning disabilities and my older DD has some random chromosomal abnormality and possibly something else which is stressful to have to deal with. My youngest is a handful most days…strong willed and defiant come to mind lol! I don’t’ have a lot of patience and with my being nearly 28 weeks pregnant I have even less than usual b/c most days I just don’t feel well.

My DH and I will definitely be going back to NFP after this baby is born and I’m ok with that although honestly I hate using NFP…it’s very much a cross to bear. I’ve also had 4 miscarriages and need to take blood thinners while pregnant so that plays into it as well. Then there’s the house which only has 1 bathroom and 3 bedrooms and right now we are not in a position to sell it…we wouldn’t get what we owed on it anyway since the housing market crash…the houses in our neighborhood have been selling for half of what we bought ours for. So, yeah, we have lots of reasons lol!

Dont’ feel bad for only having 2 or 3 kids…you need to do what’s best for your family. Large families aren’t for everyone.
 
I am from a family of 11, and we caught a LOT of flack, constantly. My parents got accused, regularly, of being SELFISH!!! Can you imagine that? My father worked 2 jobs! My mother had to take naps…both of them did!

I went to the public school, and we were then in a time where they began to say things like, “Blessed are the sterile”!!! I began to actually believe that!

I see where a lot of people today, either through abortion, or contraception have NO children at all. They might own a cat or dog. That’s it. I’ve gone to family reunions where there are…I kid you not…not ONE child present!

My parents have both lived to a ripe old age. We have a bunch of professionals among us. We have one doctor. We have one nurse. One who used to be a nurse, midwife, etc. We have an electrical engineer, another electrical engineer. I’ve done interpreting. We have mothers. So, we’re not a bunch of uneducated folks, here.

Since I am at the youngest end, there was a large age difference between me and my parents. They were sort of like grandparents! They had some much older values. They wouldn’t let me, or my siblings, use a calculator in math class. They wanted me to develop my brain!

They taught us VALUES!!!

Now, people can make fun of them all they want. I didn’t used to see the value of a large family. I began to see it in their old age. One of my sisters constructed a HOUSE next to hers for our elderly parents or for anyone else in the family that might need it. It’s wheelchair accessible! My father recently passed away, but my sister took care of both my parents and still is.

My sister, the nurse, found out problems my father was having that none of us would have even known!

My parents had money left over and gave us each in excess of $10,000! I think it’s because of the way they lived. I think God richly blessed them BECAUSE they had a large family. The family was ready to help them, because they had helped us!

People who have no children will not have any of this support.

Watching my parents has been like watching the multiplication of the loaves and the fish!!!
It’s a miracle. I don’t know how God provided. All I can tell you was that he did!!! Makes no sense, logically. However, I assure you it happened!

Why not trust God? When God chose to bless Abraham, he gave him a bunch of descendents. THAT’S how he blessed him. Now, our generation says this is all wrong.
Mother Teresa asked how you could have too many kids. She said it’d be like having too many flowers!

Here’s an idea. Why not be open to life? Have as many kids as God wants you to have. If you are unable to provide, give them to someone who wants some. My brother, the doctor, thought he couldn’t have children…went out adopted 2 with problems, because he didn’t want to wait on the 5-YEAR waiting list!

People are DESPERATE for children! We NEED children. You will see, in your old age, the value of youth! The young help the old! This would be a most unselfish act, to allow a child life, and give someone a child who can’t have one!

People are so desperate that they are going to other countries to find children to adopt!
So, we need to rethink things. Do we want a population of pure elderly folks? Be open to life! ALL children are a gift from God!
 
I think the biggest hurdle is to simply stop thinking about family size for the long term as if it were something that you control and decide upon. That’s worldly thinking. Catholics really should be most concerned with this month. Is there, right now, a serious reason to avoid pregnancy. If yes, abstain during fertile times. If not, go with the flow and see what happens.

You really don’t have to decide right now what the rest of your life will look like. Uncertainty is kinda fun!
 
ClearWater said:
Here’s an idea. Why not be open to life? Have as many kids as God wants you to have. If you are unable to provide, give them to someone who wants some. My brother, the doctor, thought he couldn’t have children…went out adopted 2 with problems, because he didn’t want to wait on the 5-YEAR waiting list!

People are DESPERATE for children! We NEED children. You will see, in your old age, the value of youth! The young help the old! This would be a most unselfish act, to allow a child life, and give someone a child who can’t have one!

People are so desperate that they are going to other countries to find children to adopt!
So, we need to rethink things. Do we want a population of pure elderly folks? Be open to life! ALL children are a gift from God!
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Gee. I guess maybe the OP wasn’t so far off when she figured people were judging her. :rolleyes:

I have an idea, ClearWater. How about you take care of your family, and those of us with reasons to avoid more children take care of ours. 👍
 
manualman said:
I think the biggest hurdle is to simply stop thinking about family size for the long term as if it were something that you control and decide upon. That’s worldly thinking.
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JMJMom9 is right: it seems to be human nature to worry we’re being judged.

If others truly are, that’s their problem. I hope most genuine Catholics are aware that not using birth control doesn’t automatically mean you have 15 kids. You may simply never get pregnant again. This is where Manualman has it exactly right. The point, I think, is to trust God, not to have a large or a small family, but simply to trust God.

I will say (meaning it only with the intention of assurance, not as a judgment or telling you to have more or anything of the sort), I have been amazed and surprised by what is possible when I trust God. I have worked part time since the beginning of my marriage, through the births of 9 children. My (now ex) husband didn’t make a lot of money, either. I had some health concerns about getting pregnant again. I’m now a single mother. And somehow…it all keeps working out. Having a large family isn’t the burden and drain that people in this day and age imagine it is.

And btw, I do get judged by people. My ‘Catholic’ mother makes comments to people about me and all those kids. Oh, well.
 
You’re open to children, not using artificial means to prevent them from being conceived, and practicing church-sanctioned birth control. I think there’s no reason to feel guilt over it and anyone who does press you to have more kids should go pound sand.

If we had a mandate to have as many children as possible, we’d know it. We don’t have such a mandate. You’ve been fruitful and you’ve multiplied. Good for you. You balance work and home life to consider both the financial and social/educational needs of your children. Good for you. What are you possibly thinking you’re doing wrong? Try to articulate the argument against the lifestyle you and your husband have chosen and see if it really makes sense. So often that nagging voice in the back of the head seems preposterous once it’s forced to assemble a cogent argument out of those snippets of condemnation that it offers on a daily basis.
 
ClearWater said:
Here’s an idea. Why not be open to life? Have as many kids as God wants you to have. If you are unable to provide, give them to someone who wants some. My brother, the doctor, thought he couldn’t have children…went out adopted 2 with problems, because he didn’t want to wait on the 5-YEAR waiting list!

People are DESPERATE for children! We NEED children. You will see, in your old age, the value of youth! The young help the old! This would be a most unselfish act, to allow a child life, and give someone a child who can’t have one!

People are so desperate that they are going to other countries to find children to adopt!
So, we need to rethink things. Do we want a population of pure elderly folks? Be open to life! ALL children are a gift from God!
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What about those families who can’t even pay off the hospital debts from the children they already have? Living from paycheck to paycheck, doing their best, yet still struggling to keep providing for their current children. Future births would mean even more bills/debt and even less income, since the mother would have to take off work for maternity leave. Do they adopt away their current children, in order to be able to afford having more babies to give away for adoption?

That doesn’t sound like God’s plan to me at all. I do believe in being open to life, but I also believe in prudence. Besides, having babies with the intent of putting them up for adoption seems almost as selfish as using contraception. Being open to life means more than just being open to carrying and giving birth to a child. It means being open to adding that child’s life to your own.

I get where your heart is, and I appreciate your intent. I just don’t think it’s a workable model.
 
ClearWater said:
Here’s an idea. Why not be open to life? Have as many kids as God wants you to have. If you are unable to provide, give them to someone who wants some. My brother, the doctor, thought he couldn’t have children…went out adopted 2 with problems, because he didn’t want to wait on the 5-YEAR waiting list!

People are DESPERATE for children! We NEED children. You will see, in your old age, the value of youth! The young help the old! This would be a most unselfish act, to allow a child life, and give someone a child who can’t have one!
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Woah, what? Adopting out a child when you are married with a family already would be extremely difficult…how would you explain to your friends/family/other children why you’re “giving away” your youngest born?

You’re making it sound like the OP should just have children indiscriminately and give away the extra ones she can’t afford, just because ‘other people’ don’t have as many children as they’d like. It’s not her role, or any other woman’s role, to be a ‘breeder’ for would-be adoptive families.

I don’t mean to sound uncharitable - you probably didn’t mean it like that - but that’s kind of how it came off.

Edit: Looks like the poster above me takes a similar view.
 
Clearwater, you ROCK! 🙂 I had a terrible experience as a teen, became pregnant, refused to have an abortion under extreme pressure from my mother, forced to marry my son’s father as the alternate punishment, endured 16 years of abuse at the hands of this raging alcoholic, having a second child during this process, my loving daughter. The marriage was ended abruptly, involved gunplay on the alcoholic’s part and a decision on my part that I did not want to die. Fast forward: received annulment, married a great man with four children and raised all six together, My two children are unable to have kids, all the grandkids are from my step children who I love dearly.
Moral of this story: TRUST in the LORD who has only planned for good in your life. Family is EVERYTHING. sometimes it is hard to trust in God’s providence. Most often our own bad choices detour us from God’s perfect plan, but He is always there, waiting for us to turn to Him in His infinite love and mercy.
 
Used2beSherryG said:
Clearwater, you ROCK! 🙂 I had a terrible experience as a teen, became pregnant, refused to have an abortion under extreme pressure from my mother, forced to marry my son’s father as the alternate punishment, endured 16 years of abuse at the hands of this raging alcoholic, having a second child during this process, my loving daughter. The marriage was ended abruptly, involved gunplay on the alcoholic’s part and a decision on my part that I did not want to die. Fast forward: received annulment, married a great man with four children and raised all six together, My two children are unable to have kids, all the grandkids are from my step children who I love dearly.
Moral of this story: TRUST in the LORD who has only planned for good in your life. Family is EVERYTHING. sometimes it is hard to trust in God’s providence. Most often our own bad choices detour us from God’s perfect plan, but He is always there, waiting for us to turn to Him in His infinite love and mercy.
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That’s a very sad story 😦 I’m glad you have a nice husband and grandchildren now though 🙂
 
You’re making it sound like the OP should just have children indiscriminately and give away the extra ones she can’t afford, just because ‘other people’ don’t have as many children as they’d like. It’s not her role, or any other woman’s role, to be a ‘breeder’ for would-be adoptive families.
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:clapping::clapping::clapping:

I would be suicidal if I ever gave a baby up for adoption. That was a terrible thing to say to the OP.

OP, there is nothing wrong with not having a large family. You are always free to use NFP to limit your family size. Also, you don’t have to plan out your entire life right now. You may change your mind some day and want more children. NFP is never a one-time decision.
 
On the one hand, we are not to judge or gossip.

On the other, we are not to fall into the sin of human respect, which is worrying about what others think of us.

Now, this is really hard, at least for me. I got over judging and gossiping (more or less!) because I used to judge this modernist woman who had only one child… never said a word to her, but the thought was there, and then she told me they’d had several miscarriages before their one child survived, and then no more 😦

But I still cringe a bit about what others think about me :o And look at how just on this thread everyone worries about everything–the working mother worries about what the SAH mothers think and vice versa; big families worry about what small families think of them and vice versa, homeschool/school parents, the same… Sheesh! That seems crazy!

So, for what it’s worth, I think we must *each *try to get over *both *sins, because I also notice in myself that the more I judge, the more I get concerned about it :o

And I find that praying and considering the Litany of Humility by Cardinal Merry de Val, RIP helps me a lot 🙂
 
St_Francis said:
On the one hand, we are not to judge or gossip.

On the other, we are not to fall into the sin of human respect, which is worrying about what others think of us.
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I worry less about what people think of me, and more about what people actually say to me.

Just as large families talk about being asked questions like, “Don’t you know where babies come from.” Or " There are ways to stop that, you know."

Small families get, from their Catholic sisters, “Why can’t you just trust God.” And, " Are you sure you don’t have a contraceptive mentality." Or the tried and true, “You know birth control is against God.”

What is interesting? People assume that small families are sinning. :rolleyes:
 
maryjk said:
Small families get, from their Catholic sisters, “Why can’t you just trust God.” And, " Are you sure you don’t have a contraceptive mentality." Or the tried and true, “You know birth control is against God.”
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I only have three, but I’ve never had such a thing said to me. Do you really experience this?? I can’t imagine a real world context where this would be said to someone. I think such people are internet myths! 😉
 
manualman said:
I only have three, but I’ve never had such a thing said to me. Do you really experience this?? I can’t imagine a real world context where this would be said to someone. I think such people are internet myths! 😉
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My husband is one of four, and even his parents got a lot of heat from others about not having more, especially from other devout members of their extended family.
 
manualman said:
I only have three, but I’ve never had such a thing said to me. Do you really experience this?? I can’t imagine a real world context where this would be said to someone. I think such people are internet myths! 😉
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I am shocked, too. It must be hard to hear criticism from Catholics you respect.

I have had some insensitive things said to me during my pregnancies.And, dh has heard even worse. I have a difficult ADHD son and I have heard some well meaning but hurtful
Advice/criticisms on our parenting for him.

If you are walking in God’s Will, I would just offer it up as a small persecution.

Keep discerning! Steve Wood had a good prayer for discernment. I will see if I can find it.
 
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