I don't want a large family

[smallcat]

I only have three, but I’ve never had such a thing said to me. Do you really experience this?? I can’t imagine a real world context where this would be said to someone. I think such people are internet myths!

Umm, I certainly have, and I think we have a pretty good example of this kind of thing in this very thread (see ClearWater’s post above). In my own case, I have a very large age gap between kids #2 and #3 for many reasons, including financial, physical, and psychological. The decision to avoid pregnancy at this time was made in good conscience, in prayer, and in consultation with my husband and priest. Yet- I can’t tell you how many times members of our family group at church asked, “So… you going to give X a baby brother?” or “Well, X is (potty trained/in school/sleeping through the night)… time to have another, huh?!” or, directed directly at my younger son, “When’s mama and papa gonna give you a little baby to take care of? You’d be such a good older brother!” When I responded politely with an honest answer of why we were postponing another pregnancy, I frequently got this sort of response. A few I remember: “You know, we are not OBLIGATED to send our children to private school. Trust that God will work it out!” and “Oh, God will take care of your physical needs. He always does.” (followed by an anecdote of how things worked out perfectly for her sister-in-law five years ago.) or, “I understand, but we also need to be careful that we don’t get too comfortable and start using NFP with a contraceptive mentality.”

Sadly, judgment goes both ways. Now that I’m a mom of a big family, I get it from the secular folks and liberal members of our parish. We need to all just mind our own business if you ask me. Which you didn’t, but there it is.

 

[maryjk]

I only have three, but I’ve never had such a thing said to me. Do you really experience this?? I can’t imagine a real world context where this would be said to someone. I think such people are internet myths!

I wish it were a myth.

Small families get, from their Catholic sisters, “Why can’t you just trust God.” And, " Are you sure you don’t have a contraceptive mentality." Or the tried and true, “You know birth control is against God.”

Yes, I have had these things said to me. Right to my face. And of course, just in this thread someone said the first one.

I have an only child and short of a miracle healing of more than one medical condition, he will remain an only child. Some people just don’t understand that.

 

[CarrieSpooner]

I only have three, but I’ve never had such a thing said to me. Do you really experience this?? I can’t imagine a real world context where this would be said to someone. I think such people are internet myths!

I only have three as well (with large gaps due to secondary infertility) and I have never received any comments even close to these. I am skeptical that such comments happen with any regularity. I don’t doubt that the OP personally experienced this but I think such experience is unusual. Sometimes I wish people wound talk to me more about why I only have three so I could share my cross but it’s more like most Catholics expect people to just have 2 or 3 kids and that’s it.

 

[JohnMPhilomena]

You have the right to prayerfully determine what size of family you should have and it sounds like you are living according to Catholic teaching (with regard to birth control and natural family planning). So I would suggest ignoring any comments with regard to your family size.

The opposite is true too. My wife and I had 8 children and we always were looked at like freaks. Comments like - “Don’t you have a TV?” and “Haven’t you figured out what causes that?”. And sometimes there were just the disgusted looks as if I was asking them to pay for my children. I was fortunate to have a good job and my wife was a stay at home mom. We home-schooled our children and received many non-thinking comments about that too.

Anyway, the point is, as long as you prayerfully consider and do what you think is right for your family, you are doing the best that you can and therefore should ignore the off-the-cuff comments from unthinking people.

Peace,
John

 

[Luvz2travel]

I am and active, practicing Catholic, love TOB and am against birth control. I know very much what a contraceptive attitude is an am against it. My husband and I have 2 kids and practice NFP between births. While we are open to any new life that God may bless us with, I really can’t see us (pragmatically) having more than 3 kids.

Without going into specifics, I believe we have serious enough reasons for limiting our family size. I guess I just feel a little judged by large-family minded Catholics (maybe I’m judging myself?). Like, unless you have 6+ kids like them, you’re being selfish or you aren’t “Catholic enough”. Has anyone ever felt this way?

I also feel judged for being a part-time working mom. I WOULD LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom, but my husband doesn’t make very good money. I guess it’s my fault for not marrying someone richer? (I’m being facetious). I guess I’m just struggling with feeling like I don’t fit the good Catholic homeschooling mom mold :-/. Your thoughts/feedback are appreciated.

You need to stop worry what everyone else thinks and do what’s best for you family. Stop worrying over being the perfect person no one is no matter how much they think they are or pretend to be. If you don’t want a huge family then don’t have one. If folks ask why just tell them you’ll have as many children as you and your husband decide and leave it at that. You don’t have to explain such personal decisions to everyone it’s not their business.

 

[ClearWater]

So, it’s terrible to give up a baby if we can’t provide for it?

 

[ClearWater]

On the one hand we are saying…I don’t want more children and come on the forum ASKING for other ideas. If we suggest ALL the alternatives, people have more or less told me the equivalent of “shut up!” to mind my own business?

 

[maryjk]

So, it’s terrible to give up a baby if we can’t provide for it?

Actually what you suggested was to intentionally have children that you can’t provide for, so those that want more children can have them.

It sounds suspiciously like surrogate motherhood.

 

[Julianna]

Have what you can financially and emotionally afford. When some of these folks kick in somd $$$ for your bills…by all means have a dozen. I don’t see any volunteers

We wanted 4, we had two. I’m happy with that…and have moved on. Had a hysterectomy at 31…(medical reasons)…

Look around the pews…and count the children…then in 3 yrs. count again. You will see 90% of the time…no additional children…look 10 yrs…the same.

It’s about the economy. It was for me and my husband. I worked full time and so did he…just so we afford to “live”.

This is something you and your husband need to discuss…

 

[TK421]

There are some good Catholics obedient to Church teaching, but in their confused loyalty, want fertility rates to go back to the way they were 300+ years ago. Even if all the undercover protestants within Catholicism were to get on board with Paul VI’s teaching, that wouldn’t happen, and there’s a pretty obvious reason. Once upon a time, people lived in towns and villages, and children worked with their parents even as young as the age of 5. It was often the case that if you wanted more financial security, you had more children. In a post industrial urban world, that is all gone. When you have a kid, you spend money and you educate them, and then they grow up and get some professional job. You’re never going to have parishes where all of the married couples live in 4th story apartments with 8 children. It simply isn’t going to happen. Ever.

Just love your spouse, maintain the unitive and procreative bond, and ignore the politics. It’s possible that people aren’t judging you at all, and you just think they are out of your own insecurity.

 

[ClearWater]

Actually what you suggested was to intentionally have children that you can’t provide for, so those that want more children can have them.

It sounds suspiciously like surrogate motherhood.

No, that was not my intention. I figured she already knew about NFP but was still worried despite that. Sorry for any misunderstandings.

 

[ClearWater]

If NFP is used reliably, I don’t think a person would have a large family, anyway. However, my point was even if that didn’t work out as expected, there was the option of adoption rather than trying to worry about how everybody is going to make it.

My intention was to show that there is an entire spectrum of options and not to feel at all boxed in.

 

[ClearWater]

I guess what I was trying to say is that, from a Catholic perspective, I thought it preferable to consider adoption, over say…contraception, or especially abortion. That was what I was trying to say.

 

[fontgoddess]

It sounds to me like you are doing what is best for your family right now. People WILL judge, people will say insensitive things. If it’s not about your family size, it will be about something else for sure. However, I think other people think about us far less than we think they do! We all need to get over ourselves a bit.

The beauty of NFP, as another poster has pointed out, is that if your situation changes and you decide you can handle more kids than you thought, you can go for it. Not saying that you will, just that using NFP keeps us constantly in discernment mode, and that is a good thing. That is what being open to life means.

 

[Kelfa28]

I admire people who have large families.
I’d never met anyone who had a family over 3 children until I converted to Catholicism.

I think it’s awesome when I see or read about large families.

That being said…I personally know three women who are very devote Catholics and only had/have one child per.

My Grandmother was one of them. She had my mother and that was it. No more children. I have two friends from church that have just one child each. I don’t know why they have just one child and I don’t care to know.

In my case, there is no way my husband and I could provide for a third child after we have this one. Not for quite a while at least (we’re looking at 4-5 years of NFP use after this baby) because of economic reasons.
Hubby and I are unemployed and we are both making steps to finish degrees so we could try and find higher paying jobs.
I’m sorry…but both my husband and I can’t find full time work for more then $30,000 a year. Even with all of the penny pinching we’ve been doing…it’s just not enough. Not enough to provide for a family larger then three without help from the government.
At least not where I live.
Mortgages are expensive everywhere, taxes are high everywhere, we are mandated by law to have health and car insurance or we’ll be fined big time.
Groceries are expensive.
All of our toys and child clothes are either gifts or hand me downs and we only have 2 children.

I would love to have a large family but right now…it would be economically irresponsible for me to do so. Maybe in another several years if and when the economy gets better and hubby finishes his degree then we’ll work on kiddo number three.

I’m certainly not closed to life and I will never use birth control of any kind. But I I will use NFP to the best of my ability and say lots of prayers…for either a time out from another child or an economic miracle because, believe me, hubby and I are doing everything we can to be responsible and provide for our children.

 

[smallcat]

So, it’s terrible to give up a baby if we can’t provide for it?

Of course it’s not- that’s a loving and charitable thing to do. What is questionable, however, is actively having marital relations during a known fertile time when you know in advance you’re not able to provide for the potential child who may be conceived!

You seem to be arguing that we should just have as many babies as we can, and decide what to do with them later. We are not called to be as fecund as our bodies allow, regardless of circumstances. Sheesh.

 

[MomaMary8]

Of course it’s not- that’s a loving and charitable thing to do. What is questionable, however, is actively having marital relations during a known fertile time when you know in advance you’re not able to provide for the potential child who may be conceived!

You seem to be arguing that we should just have as many babies as we can, and decide what to do with them later. We are not called to be as fecund as our bodies allow, regardless of circumstances. Sheesh.

Or there is the funny thing called trust in God. It’s amazing. Try it. We have and we are loving our large family, even the ones we had in poverty and no medical insurance, etc. That was just a short time in the life span of my children. I am ever so thankful I didn’t give in to fear.

 

[Xantippe]

smallcat said:

“What is questionable, however, is actively having marital relations during a known fertile time when you know in advance you’re not able to provide for the potential child who may be conceived!”

Right. If your actual plan is to adopt out the next baby, that sounds like serious reasons to me.

What an awful message to send to your older children, by the way, unless actual starvation is in question. “You better do your chores, or we’ll be calling the social worker for you next!” Or, “If we have a new baby, you’ll all need to draw straws to see who we’re keeping. The short straw kid goes to work in an Indonesian sneaker factory.” Gah.

Baby Moses got adopted out, but the other option was death.

 

[Rau]

JMJMom9 is right: it seems to be human nature to worry we’re being judged.

If others truly are, that’s their problem. I hope most genuine Catholics are aware that not using birth control doesn’t automatically mean you have 15 kids. You may simply never get pregnant again. This is where Manualman has it exactly right. The point, I think, is to trust God, not to have a large or a small family, but simply to trust God.

I will say (meaning it only with the intention of assurance, not as a judgment or telling you to have more or anything of the sort), I have been amazed and surprised by what is possible when I trust God. I have worked part time since the beginning of my marriage, through the births of 9 children. My (now ex) husband didn’t make a lot of money, either. I had some health concerns about getting pregnant again. I’m now a single mother. And somehow…it all keeps working out. Having a large family isn’t the burden and drain that people in this day and age imagine it is.

And btw, I do get judged by people. My ‘Catholic’ mother makes comments to people about me and all those kids. Oh, well.

Trust in God is good, but it should not be understood to mean “abandon use of one’s faculties to endeavour to make good decisions”. Instead, trust that God will guide you to good decisions, or support you in the decisions you honestly make.

 

[Rau]

… I guess I’m just struggling with feeling like I don’t fit the good Catholic homeschooling mom mold :-/. Your thoughts/feedback are appreciated.

What is it with Americans and homeschooling? Are your schools really so bad? Is it an educational shortcoming in US schools? The social environment, the spiritual component? Is homeschooling a particular Catholic thing in the US (as the OP implies) or is it broadly embraced? It seems to be much less common in other parts of the world…